Conflicted about second pregnancy - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 02-01-2010, 06:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello,
I need some compasionate insight.

This is my story, trying to keep it short:
My son will be two this month. He is the light of my life, I tell him he is the most important thiing in the universe. We share a very special connection. When he needs me whether is for comfort, play or just talk, I stop whatever I am doing and becomes mommy time.

Last year I got pregnant and I was already worrying about how his world would change. Early before week 10,I miscarriaged.

When time passed, I healed enough to try again, but since nobember I started having second thoughts. That maybe 1 child was enough, that this planet has enough people...

Anyway I started feeeling pregnant since january and sure senough, home test is positive.

I am happy, but I am back to thinking I am betraying my little guy. How can he be the most important thing if I am bringing another baby? Am I going crazy? He is so content, such a happy boy.

I am an only child so I really don't know what it is like to have siblings. I am really conflicted about this and my friends just tell me not to be silly...waiting on your words of wisdom.
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#2 of 15 Old 02-01-2010, 07:05 PM
 
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Yes there will be some sacrifices on his part. BUT there will also be great joy that he wouldn't have without a sibling.

I think it's hard being pg again. I want a ton of kids but when I got pg with my second I was terrified. I loved my oldest so much, I couldn't even imagine loving another child the same amount. Turns out it's VERY easy to love all your children.
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#3 of 15 Old 02-01-2010, 07:18 PM
 
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I'm going to be honest- as a mother of small children close in age- there are moments when you feel torn in 2 as both of them are crying for you and you can't seem to hold everyone at once. But then there are the times when you feel like your heart will burst with joy as you watch them together, making each other laugh and playing together- and you know that they will have each other for the rest of their lives. Each of my children brings me and my husband so much joy, but they also bring joy to each other, and their lives are so much richer for having these other people to love and grow and laugh with.

And though it is hard to have more than one "baby"- you find a way, just as mothers always do.

I have a brother close to my age, and though there were draw backs, it was great to have someone to play with, and talk to. I want that for my kids. Now that we are adults, I know my brother is someone I could call who would be there for me, always- I want that for my kids too.

Congratulations! Have a happy and healthy 9 months!

Laura, Mama to Mya 7/02, Ian 6/07 and Anna 8/09
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#4 of 15 Old 02-01-2010, 08:21 PM
 
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I can't speak from a parent's POV yet but, from a sibling POV, my relationship with my brother is my main reason for wanting more than one child.

Apart from my husband he is my best friend. I'm sure that when he was born (I was 2) I had some moments of petulance that I wasn't getting all the attention but I have *no* memories at all of feeling less loved/displaced/left out etc.

I know that there is no guarantee that siblings will be good friends as adults but if they don't have any siblings then there is no chance they will have that special relationship you can only have with the person you shared a childhood with.

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#5 of 15 Old 02-01-2010, 08:36 PM
 
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When I got married I wanted lots of kids. Then we had dd. She was my world. I loved her like I've never loved any other human person, and I couldn't imagine EVER having another baby to take any of my attention away from her. How could I ever love another child like I loved her? How could I split myself in two to care for TWO children? The idea was unfathomable. And I talked to a few friends who felt the same way before their second arrived...

When I found out I was pregnant again, instead of being overjoyed, there was this huge sense of guilt and loss. It was weird. Like somehow the new baby would be taking her place. It was very bothersome, and I was sad for a long time.

But you know what? As time went on I fell in love with baby-two-in-the-womb. And when he arrived, WOW! You really CAN love two! I have the same, intense love for my second as I did for my first. It's a different love, but it's still amazing, whole, pure, perfect.

It was then I knew that yeah, I could have more....My love just increased with each one. It didn't diminish at all.....And now there are four little people to love here. It's tough sometimes because of the chaos, but it's amazing.

Wouldn't change a thing.

ETA: Congratulations!
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#6 of 15 Old 02-01-2010, 09:44 PM
 
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I'm pregnant right now with #2, and felt the exact same way you do. My 2 will be 26 mo. apart. I'm also an only child so I understand all those feelings. But you know, as time is going on (i'm due in early May), I'm just getting more and more excited and really bonding with this baby. It's also so heartwarming when DD kisses my belly and talks about her baby sister. I can really start to picture our family now, with 2 kids, and it makes me feel so happy. I think it's completely normal to have the feelings you do. Just know that they will change, in time, like they have for all of us.
Good luck and enjoy your pregnancy!

Mom to 2 amazing girlies, Feb. '08 and May '10.joy.gif
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#7 of 15 Old 02-01-2010, 10:12 PM
 
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Wow! I was coming on to post a very similar question. Although I was never trying to get pregnant. DH & I have always known we only wanted one kid. I just found out that I am pregnant with number 2.

I do love my 3 year old son so much. He is my entire world, and we have so much fun together. It breaks my heart to think of changing our relationship in any way.

We have considered terminating the pregnancy, but then I feel guilty even thinking those thoughts. I am not close with my sister so I don't have those thoughts of "but he will really appreciate his sibling someday".

Oh what a pickle.
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#8 of 15 Old 02-01-2010, 10:27 PM
 
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Awww, ((hugs))) mamas. I was nervous before #2 was born too but really he has added so much to our lives and the life of his older brother. We can't imagine anything without him now. ( ETA: that mine are 28 months apart)
There are some books on amazon on how to make the transition from 1 to 2 easier on the oldest. It's been so long now I can't remember which one's I read. lol But they helped.
These feelings of guilt are normal, but they do pass!!

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#9 of 15 Old 02-01-2010, 11:52 PM
 
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*hugs*

I have five siblings. They're one... well, five... of the best things in my life, hands down.

When you and your partner grow old and die, your son will have a sibling to mourn with and share memories with. That's huge. Having someone who knows your background because he/she shared it is such a gift in big life circumstances - marriage, divorce, having babies, moving house, everything. Yes, there are probably advantages to being a singleton, but your son is getting a PERSON to know and love. That's awesome. (And it's why DH and I aren't done at one, even though at times I'd really like to be!)

If decomposition persists please see your necromancer.

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#10 of 15 Old 02-01-2010, 11:53 PM
 
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It's a hard world to navigate, especially if you've never had siblings. Several things: Having another child does not diminish your love for your older child. Your son will not always need you so intensely like he does now. Love is not something that can be explained or rationed - it just is. And there's enough to go around.

I love having 2 children. I love it when they play with each other and make each other laugh. I love it when they think of each other and are kind to each other. And I don't mind too much when they fight with each other and trade angry words. They are learning important life skills. Those skills can be learned in other ways, true. But for ds especially, he's much more comfortable with his sibling than friends, and so he'll display anger to her that he would never ever do with a friend.

I also love having 2 children because they are so different from each other. They're both amazing, special creatures that I've been blessed with.

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#11 of 15 Old 02-02-2010, 11:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so very much!
First of all it is such a relief to feel understood. Thank you, thank you for posting.

I see how my family is not very good at building healthy sibling relationships.even my cousins who are siblings are not very close. Same with my dh and his sister.
I believe this is a kill I can acquire.
I think 99% of mothering powers come fromm pure heart and instinct, but nothing wrong with some education.
I will lookup at amazon or the library for some tips.

My lo world will change and I don't think he will like me holding and kissing his little sister or little brother....so I need to learn how to deal with that.
I can imagine how sweet will iit be when they can take a nap together...where is the camera?!

Thank you everybody!!!
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#12 of 15 Old 02-02-2010, 01:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just wanted to report that I am getting a lot of great information at attachment parenting.org
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#13 of 15 Old 02-02-2010, 02:14 PM
 
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I'm happy for you.

And it's not necessarily the case that your son will be upset with the new baby. I have four kids and none of them ever expressed any jealousy with the new arrivals. If anything, they doted on the little ones more than I did!

And even if he IS jealous, that's okay too. It may be an adjustment...but not all change is bad.
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#14 of 15 Old 02-02-2010, 03:32 PM
 
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I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter I had some of these concerns about my relationship with my husband. Not as strongly, but along the same lines. I worried that a child would put distance between us, or that there would be jealousy and hurt feelings. I worried that our relationship would change. Of course I was right, our relationship did change; but not all change is for the worse. Our relationship had to change to accommodate this new person but what I didn't realize ahead of time was how much we would both grow and what a joy it would be to share that growth with each other and with the new little love in our lives.

Now I'm 37 weeks with my second child and I've had the worries you describe. My daughter is nearly 4 and she astonishes me every day by being the most amazing little person in the world. Sometimes I feel like it's the new baby I should feel sorry for, who can possibly compete with the person who I've known for 4 years and who I feel so connected with. But I remember my experiences with my husband when she was born and I take the counsel of the mamas here before me who all say the same wise and true thing: love doesn't divide, it only multiplies. I try to remember that.

Also, I try to think of the new baby as a gift to all of us. A new person to love. More love, more joy, more family. And maybe because I have a sister whose presence in my life has enriched it beyond measure, I think of this new baby as a special gift to my daughter. No one will ever know you or understand you or be with you the way a sibling is throughout your life. Sometimes that can be hard and frustrating, but the older I get the more I value that companionship.

Miss Chris

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Making a home for our big girl 3/06 and our new boy 2/10
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#15 of 15 Old 02-02-2010, 05:54 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewMom0208 View Post

My lo world will change and I don't think he will like me holding and kissing his little sister or little brother....so I need to learn how to deal with that.
I can imagine how sweet will iit be when they can take a nap together...where is the camera?!

Thank you everybody!!!
The book 'The Kissing Hand' will help with that. It brings tears to eyes.

http://www.amazon.com/Kissing-Hand-L...5144012&sr=1-1
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