"The" talk - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 36 Old 02-05-2010, 11:06 AM
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"THE talk" for me became "THE talk" when dd turned 10 and still hadn't asked HOW the mom's egg and dad's sperm gets mixed up. We'd talked about everything BUT sexuality between two people, and I realized, "Crap. I have to bring this up without following her lead." The kids even have the basic idea of genetics, but never asked about sex. Even when I used the word in conversations about why some children have children (teen pregnancies).

Reading Diapers to Dating was really helpful to me. I realized what made "THE talk" into "THE talk" instead of just "A talk" was that I was giving what seemed to me like momentous information (how intercourse happens, that people have oral sex, and wanting to touch lightly on STDs, rape, birth control, intimacy, and choices) was that I was no longer answering questions, but starting the conversation. And I articulated to myself that there would be many such talks, I just had to jump the hurdle of this one.

So I asked her one night if she knew how the dad's sperm gets to the mom's egg. She didn't. I told her the dad puts his penis inside the mom's vagina, and that the sperm came out the same hole where he pees. She looked a little skeeved. I said "I know it might sound weird, but people do it."

Then I told her I wanted to talk to her about sex, and I thought it was important because some kids think it's a good idea to have sex when they're even as young as she is, and I wanted her to know why it's not a good idea at her age. Told her some of the things 12yo boys had said to me to talk me into it ("If we only do it for 5 minutes .... ") and told her I was glad I knew they were wrong so I didn't make a bad choice. Talked about how some boys and girls think that if you love each other, it means you should have sex, or vice versa. Talked about what to do (again) if someone tries to touch you in a way you don't like, and explained sometimes people your age or grownups or even your friends or family can try to make you do things you don't want to do. (I was sexually abused by a family member and later experienced attempted rape, and was too ashamed to ask for help, so this is an important topic for me.) We talked about her 12yo stepsister's friend who was pregnant, talked about abortion, adoption, teen pregnancy.

The whole conversation lasted less than 10 minutes, I think. Once I got past starting the conversation and telling her *what* sex is, the rest went easily, and I didn't feel pressured. I ended things by asking of she had any questions, and told her we'd talk more about it as she got older, and that it was important to talk about. Gave her suggestions of who she could ask questions of if she had a question and didn't feel like asking me about it.

I really did expect that they'd ask. None of my kids (10, almost 8, almost 6) have ever asked me how the sperm gets in -- they get their early explanation (like when they're 2ish) without details, ask a few questions as they get older, we address masturbation, menstruation, anatomy, genetics ... but sex just never comes up.
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#32 of 36 Old 02-05-2010, 03:30 PM
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My oldest is only 6 but I'm wondering about this too. Like the above poster my kids don't tend to ask many questions and I can see this not being brought up by them.
I think morgainesmama hits on what makes this subject tough. When we have to move beyond WHAT sex is to what our attitudes are about sex. What sex is is pretty basic but personally I want to convey to my kids that sex is something we need to do with compassion and respect. I would prefer my kids wait until they are adults (I don't know when that happens exactly).
But I don't want them to feel awkward or ashamed about it. I want them to be careful yet enjoy it in a healthy way.
I have personally known more people who (in my opinion) use sex in an unhealthy way than drugs or alcohol. But I personally feel promiscuity and careless sex can be unhealthy.
There is a whole lot more to sex than penis goes in vagina and sperm comes out and can fertilize an egg. They'll figure out the physical stuff (I mean what if they're gay?) but I would hope I could guide them towards healthy attitudes about it. I don't think pop culture is a good guiding force on this.

As a side note, I think it's important for girls and boys to know about each other's bodies. I once had a friend tell me his girlfriend's uterus "or whatever" vibrated when she had an orgasm so there was no way she was ever faking I was a little confused...I mean does my uterus vibrate?
And there's a whole other issue. But it's really not my place to tell someone how to enjoy sex I guess That they can discover on their own.
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#33 of 36 Old 02-05-2010, 04:14 PM
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I think there are a lot of trust issues that come up in this context. I remember asking my mom how babies got in to the mom when I was in 3rd grade. I remember distinctly that we were driving; it was a school day and she was taking me to the dentist or something, so my little brother wasn't in the car. I wanted her to explain sex to me. She kept trying to avoid it. I badgered her and eventually she produced a less-than-adequate response.

For me, it was disappointing because i knew she wasn't being honest with me, and that the topic was not open for further discussion. I think it stands out to me because her lack of honesty really let me down. I'm pretty sure I didn't bring it up again after that.

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#34 of 36 Old 02-05-2010, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by plantmama View Post
There is a whole lot more to sex than penis goes in vagina and sperm comes out and can fertilize an egg.
agreed, but if you can't manage to tell your kids that basic fact about how babies are made, you can't go on to the far more complex topic of human sexuality including things like why it is wrong for an adult to be sexual with a non-adult, even when the non-adult feels like they are all grown up, and that sexual behavoir includes far, far more than just penis-vigina.

How babies are made is the simple part. How to make decisions regarding one's own sexuality is complex.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#35 of 36 Old 02-05-2010, 05:00 PM
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The It's So Amazing books are very good at placing intercourse in context and telling the reader that it does feel good, but it's something for grown-ups to do in a loving relationship. They also go into good touches and bad touches (molestation) and homosexuality. Really, I couldn't ask for a better book(s) on the subject. It makes talking about all the aspects of the subject that much easier.

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#36 of 36 Old 02-05-2010, 07:15 PM
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Our library has nothing about procreation/sex that isn't super religious and very conservative about it, so I will have to order these.
You can probably order them via Inter-library loan so you don't have to pay for them.

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