I think it is very important for you and dh to be one. This means with all issues. Now, of course, this won't be the case always, but it is very important to strive for this.
I think you and dh need to have a very open discussion about dd. Talk about the communication which is not happening, food issues and the other hard issues that always come up with children. As you said, it is not dd fault, and she deserves the best. It is not her fault that her parents are no longer together, that you are not allowed to attend her important events, and that she is confussed. Your dh needs to know how you feel and what you see happening (from my experience, dh doesn't even see it the way I do so he is always suprised), hopefully he will be greatful. It would be great if you both could come up with a plan together that works best for all of you but especially for dd.
Now, having said that, if he doesn't do what you two have planned, or he refuses to talk with her, I think you should do so. Just because he won't (for whatever reason) doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to know. She is much older now and able to understand the basic issue. As she gets older you can both make it more clear for her.
I was going to offer suggestions on what to say, but then thought about it and don't want to say the wrong thing. Just know that I think it is important to express your hearts desire is to be there with her becuase you love her and you are so very proud. She will understand as best as she can.
You are in a hard place and I am sad your dh isn't making it easier for you. Good luck and let us know the progress.