Do you have an "accident plan"? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 03:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know what else to call it

I feel guilty because this was never discussed between us and MIL before. Please note, this was all related to me after-the-fact. Today, DD was at MILs house so we could run to the grocery store. While we were gone, DD was coloring at MILs dining room table and she tipped backwards on the chair that she was sitting on, and hit the back of her head on the floor. MIL called an ambulance because DD didn't cry, she just looked kind of shocked. The paramedics came, checked her out, determined she looked okay and was responding fine and they together with MIL derermined that she was okay to stay home and not go to the hospital. We got home about an hour later, and MIL told me what happened. I totally snapped for a minute- I was very upset that she didn't call me, or my DH. She said that she didn't want us to get into an accident if we were driving, and that is understandable, but I was still a little bit angry because something happened to MY child and nobody let me know about it. Granted, it wasn't that serious, as DD was fine and MIL over-reacted, but MIL thought that it was VERY serious at the time, hence the 911 call, and she still didn't call us. Basically, in MILs mind, the situation equates to a very serious one, though it wasn't. I'm kind of unsure what to think or what to feel about this. Should I be upset? Do I even have a right to be upset? I know that MIL was looking out for us but I'd have appreciated a call regarding my child being "seriously" injured. Imagine if it were very serious. I told MIL that if something were to happen again, that she is to call one of us immediately, preferrable myself if it makes her feel better (I'm not the driver in our situation). She denied, and said that she wouldn't call in the future because of the potential for us to hurt ourselves in an accident.

Well.. I just don't know what to think or do. Ideally, if this were your situation, how would you like it handled? Would you want to be notified asap? I tend to overreact to things, and I'm not sure if this is one of those situations or not. TIA

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#2 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 03:43 AM
 
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If you have to call 911 for an ambulance, it's serious enough to call mom and dad. Your MIL may be more amenable to reason if you discuss it later on after all the stress of today has had a chance to wear off.
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#3 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 03:47 AM
 
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I'd want someone to call 911 if they were worried about serious injury to my child... and then I'd want them to call ME. As soon as possible. If you're worried about my driving, tell me that it's urgent and ask me to pull over and call you back. BElieve me, I will FIND a parking lot.

One of the reasons that I feel comfortable leaving my children with other caregivers is that I know that those caregivers will call me if there is anything to worry about. Since I know that they'll call, no call = no worries. I would be utterly unable to relax or enjoy myself or get my work done if the person taking care of my kids told me that she wouldn't call. So your MIL's statement that she wouldn't call would mean, to me, that she couldn't take care of the kids. Ever.
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#4 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 03:55 AM
 
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In the circumstance you described, I would want to know immediately. But in my case the way I would describe that is that I would want MIL to give DD her undivided attention while waiting for the ambulance. So I would want MIL to call at the first available moment, which in my case would be after the paramedics left, immediately. That way she would be able to tell me that she thought it was serious, but that the paramedics had checked DD out and confirmed that she was safe.

If the situation had been different and DD needed transported to the hospital, I would want to be called as soon as the paramedics had taken over and were trying to get her in the ambulance.

I would be upset if I came home later to find out I wasn't called about something like that.
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#5 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 04:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Glad to know I'm not the crazy lady on this one.

There were other people home.. FIL & his brother. MIL's parents live upstairs from her, they saw the ambulance, called her up on the phone, and she refused to answer what was going on (which she told me). So plenty of people could have given us a ring and filled us in. The grocery store is literally four city blocks from the house.

*sigh*, MIL & I don't see eye to eye on alot of things, and we reallly need to talk about this. I didn't even think about this, dh & I thought it was a non-issue and not something that warranted a discussion because, logically, most people would have given us a call. Guess not. Thanks

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#6 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 04:17 AM
 
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If I thought that's how it was going to be, I wouldn't leave my child with her again. She can be grandma with you there, but apparently she's not trustworthy.
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#7 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 04:34 AM
 
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I have been the receiver of such a call. one of my DS was in a very serious accident at school and the school called me I was grateful (after the fact) that they only told me he was hurt and that I needed to come immediately to pick him up because he was upset....had they said what happened and that the EMS was in route I think I would have totally flipped and had a accident driving. So in that respect Im grateful that they "down played" it somewhat but still told me I needed to get their immediately.

However I would be a little snippy if I found out over 1 hr later after they had been checked out. The least that she could have done was call you and then explain that your child had been checked out and was ok kwim? Plus I think it should be a parents judgement call whether they want to seek furthur medical attention I know I would and have taken them in to see our own doctor and get his ok on things.
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#8 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 10:34 AM
 
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If she were to call 911, and it was determined to be serious and someone went to the hospital, I doubt it would be any better for 'avoiding being in an accident' to end up being called by the hospital. And the hospital is likely to need a parent there for treatment decisions anyway.

I'd be more upset, though, on her insistence that she wouldn't call you in the future after you'd requested it. I'd talk about it later and reinforce that you'd want to know about this sort of thing and figure out when she thinks a good time to call would be.
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#9 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 11:00 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mumkimum View Post

I'd be more upset, though, on her insistence that she wouldn't call you in the future after you'd requested it.
Yeah,I would be upset by the bad judgment call but I'd be completely pissed at her refusal to call you in the future.

I take care of my nephew and I can't even imagine not calling his parents after I called the ambulance.If for nothing else because he would want the comfort of his parents(even though he and I are very well bonded) in a scary situation.

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#10 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 12:15 PM
 
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Honestly in this situation I'd be a bit miffed, but I can also see her side of things. It's a very old school way of thinking to be honest, one that I always saw among my grandmothers and their friends. I can see her calling 911, and good for her - better to overreact than find out 4 hrs later there's a serious problem, kwim? During the whole event I can understand being focused on what's happening with the child (not excusing not calling, I think she should have, but if she didn't answer the phone for anyone, I would expect that's where her attention was). Afterwards, well, everything was fine so there was no reason to bother you with it since there was no emergency. Again, while I don't agree with this, I've seen it a lot in the past. What would definitely make me crazy though is refusing to call in the future. Once you let her know your preferences on the situation, then she needs to honor them. See if your DH can talk to her about it, from what you posted it sounds like she may be more receptive to it coming from him.

I'm really glad your DD is ok!
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#11 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 12:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kalirush View Post
If I thought that's how it was going to be, I wouldn't leave my child with her again. She can be grandma with you there, but apparently she's not trustworthy.
I wouldn't deem what she did as not trustworthy. There was an accident...she was worried....she called 911. Yes....she should have called the parents (I would expect a call). She called 911 though, she did the responsible thing if she was that worried.

OP-I think it is time to discuss with her that if anything ever happens again that please call you or have another family member call you to get you up to speed. I understand her hesitating at calling immediatly though...the concern of having the parents in an accident as well is also a realistic worry.

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#12 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 01:49 PM
 
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I wouldn't deem what she did as not trustworthy. There was an accident...she was worried....she called 911. Yes....she should have called the parents (I would expect a call). She called 911 though, she did the responsible thing if she was that worried.

OP-I think it is time to discuss with her that if anything ever happens again that please call you or have another family member call you to get you up to speed. I understand her hesitating at calling immediatly though...the concern of having the parents in an accident as well is also a realistic worry.
OP *did* discuss that with her. Grandma said that she still wouldn't call, against OP's wishes. *That's* what I was calling untrustworthy, not what grandma did in the original situation. People who flat tell me to my face that they won't honor my wishes in regards to my child don't watch my child.
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#13 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 02:04 PM
 
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I have the opposite issue, lol! My mom calls me to ask what to feed them for lunch etc!

In your situation, I would certainly not leave my child with anyone who flat out tells me they WONT call me if my child is seriously injured. I mean, wtf?

I saw a wreck happen a couple months ago, two teenage boys, one trapped in the car who turned out to be my neighbor. FIRST I called 911, SECOND I tried to help him. Fortunately, someone from a nearby house came out who happened to be a nurse (Thank God!) who took over care and THIRD, I CALLED HIS MOTHER! Yes, she was frantic (because he lost consciousness and I couldn't even tell her he's ok, only, he's alive....) and I'm sure she drove like a maniac to get there. She got to see him and speak to him before they life flighted him out (and no one but the patient and paramedics fit on the copter). Then she waited til her husband could get there and drive her to the hospital.

Thankfully, he lived, he recovered, he was ok in the end. And I second guessed myself on the phone call. I mean, she drove half an hour to where we were then had to back track to get to the hospital. Had I waited to call, she could have gone directly to the hospital and been there quicker (hospital was half an hour from her job, an hour from our home where the wreck happened). Then someone pointed out to me that God forbid, he HADN'T survived, those few minutes before they life flighted him might have been her only chance to say goodbye.

My sisters best friend didn't make it to the hospital before her two year old died. I'm not sure when she was called (child was with grandma). I know your DD injury wasn't life threatening but the point is, if it's serious enough for 911, then you just never know and of COURSE the parents should be called!

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#14 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 02:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kalirush View Post
OP *did* discuss that with her. Grandma said that she still wouldn't call, against OP's wishes. *That's* what I was calling untrustworthy, not what grandma did in the original situation. People who flat tell me to my face that they won't honor my wishes in regards to my child don't watch my child.
Yeah, this!

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#15 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 02:14 PM
 
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I'd be furious if any caretaker flat out told me they wouldn't call me if my child was hurt! They certainly would never watch my son again. I don't need to know every bump and bruise but I do want to be called for something serious.
OP, your MIL is wrong.

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#16 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 02:19 PM
 
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If she had to call 911, yes, I would have wanted her to call me. I don't have a problem with her giving all of her attention to your DD while the ambulance came, then calling you, but she should have called as soon as she had the chance!

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#17 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 02:21 PM
 
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Almost the exact situation occurred with us a little over a year ago.

My mom was caring for DS while I was getting an MRI in the city, an hour away with DH. DS fell backward off a chair, fussed for a minute and seemed fine. Then, he dropped off to sleep and wouldn't wake up. My mom, a nurse, called 911 because she couldn't rouse him. She followed the ambulance to the hospital (half a mile from our house), and by the time she arrived, DS was awake and laughing with the emt personnel. BUT, mom did not call us. She waited until we got home to tell us. DH was PISSED. What if DS were to die? We would not have had the chance to say good-bye. So, we probably would have left the city immediately and headed home.

However, my mom talked with DH. She heard his concerns, and she said that she could see his point of view. That if something like that were to ever happen again in the future, she would call us immediately. It still took DH a while to relax and forgive, buts he now feel comfortable leaving DS with her.

She lives 12 hours away, though, so she's not caring for him on a regular basis.

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#18 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 02:41 PM
 
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I hope once the stress of the day has passed your MIL will come around. I could not leave my child with anyone I could not trust to call me.
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#19 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 02:55 PM
 
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I'd have wanted a phone call, too, but remember the generation above us raised children without mobile phones and the possibility of being able to get in touch straight away is very new.

I hope your mil will come round given time, because I don't think you're being unreasonable!
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#20 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 03:19 PM
 
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I understand your MIL's concern. It does happen. Recently, the news here reported a sad case where someone was killed when they were racing to the hospital to get to a family member. I can't recall the details, so I couldn't find the report. It was a double tragedy for that family though.

Has there been something like this in the news to disturb your MIL? I would discuss it further with her. Point out your safe driving record and your ability to stay calm in an emergency, in addition to your right, as parents, to know about your child. Do your best to calm her fears. If she still refuses to notify you in a similar situation, you'll have to reconsider whether you can leave your child with her.
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#21 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 05:06 PM
 
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I can understand being upset. IMO if it were my child I would not be as upset because things turned out fine. Now had they had to take DC to hospital or it was bigger then what it was and no call yeah I would be upset.

Now you have requested to be called in the future I think that should be respected.
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#22 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 05:08 PM
 
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I think that once everyone's calmed down, conversations can be had that aren't hysterical, defensive, or accusatory. I'll bet anything that if the paramedics had wanted to transport, she'd have called.

But I also agree that it may be an old school thing. For example, before he died, my grandfather was in the hospital for 6 weeks before my dad let me know. I lived out of state; he didn't want to worry me because "there was nothing I could do about it." I didn't agree, but I saw his point.

Not the same thing, I know; but if the OP can try to really understand MIL's attitude--and visa versa--then it will be possible to come to a resolution.

ETA - what would be more important than fussing about the finer points of when to call and under what circumstances is to make sure that paperwork is on file authorizing the various childcare providers in your LO's life to seek care.

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#23 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 05:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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nak

thanks all.

Only thing I can think of is DH was in an accident in September 09. A bad one. Iy wasnt his fault and he is a good driver though. Also, MIL is 38.. so its not her age. (DH & I are just shy of 20).

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#24 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 06:23 PM
 
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If it's worth calling 911, it's worth calling me or dh. That would not be negotiable for me. You want to watch the kid, you promise to call me if you feel a need to call 911 or take the kid to the hospital or anything like that.
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#25 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 06:33 PM
 
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If you think 911 is a necessary call then you also CALL THE PARENTS! If she won't abide by this very reasonable request, then you don't watch my kid.
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#26 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 07:01 PM
 
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if it warranted a call to 911, i would absolutely expect a call! out of curiosity, how is it that she was able to refuse transport to the hosapital for your child? i work for an ambulance, and we are required by law to get a guardian to sign off that they do not want the minor to be transported (whether because we've let them know that things are okay or because they change their mind about going to the hospital). if a child is with a grandparent, babysitter, etc, we call a parent and they have to give us verbal permission for that person to sign off. if we cannot contact a parent/legal guardian, that child/minor gets transported no matter what. my mom watches ds & dd one day a week while i'm at work, and she has a written "permission slip" stating that she is allowed to seek medical care and make decisions in my or dh's place if necessary while caring for them. even that would not allow her to refuse ambilance transport though without one of the emt' s getting one of our verbal permission.
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#27 of 27 Old 02-21-2010, 08:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WindyCityMom View Post
nak

thanks all.

Only thing I can think of is DH was in an accident in September 09. A bad one. Iy wasnt his fault and he is a good driver though. Also, MIL is 38.. so its not her age. (DH & I are just shy of 20).
:

So I'm older than your MIL. Heavens.

Yeah, not an old-school thing at all. Probably the accident, like maybe her fear of something happening to you guys is outweighing the need for reasonable compromise.

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