moms of larger families, does this ever bother you? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 100 Old 03-13-2010, 02:19 AM
 
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Originally Posted by joyfulgrrrl View Post
I think it's really interesting how mothers compare experiences and one thing I do find often is this sense that we don't understand each other.

I believe that for a person experiencing parenthood for the first time, having gone from 100% selfish to a huge change in terms of priorities, yes only having one hour of quiet every day could seem really hard and overwhelming.

I have 4 kids and a full time, hugely demanding and accountable job, and a husband who is gone 75-80 hours a week. I absolutely work my arse off and I pass out at 10 p.m. every night from exhaustion.

I don't complain or brag about what it takes to run my household. I prefer to try and be an unflappable and relaxed as possible. I love it so much and I love encouraging people to not hesitate about having more children if deep down they would love to do so. Sometimes I remind my husband how much is going into keeping this family running since he is so often absent, but overall I stay pretty quiet about my home life.

I do sometimes laugh at the young kids who are freaking out with just one child and I'm always tempted to say, "hello....try living my life...you wouldn't last 24 hours" (and they probably wouldn't).

But I have learned that for them, at that moment, they really *are* feeling every bit as overwhelmed and deprived of "me time" as I sometimes feel, and that is totally okay.

I wonder if that made any sense. I feel pretty strongly about this, I hope I didn't come across badly or judging; I just have learned to re-frame things in terms like this and it really has enriched my life.
I could have written most of this! Five kids at home right now, full time job, full time school, etc and was actually surprised when I started getting all the "you must be superwoman" comments! I jokingly tell them that I have adult ADHD and that's why I can't sit still!

When I was working full time to put myself through college and had a child at home, I use to silently shake my head at my fellow students or coworkers who would complain that with 12 hours of classes, they could not possibly work more than 10 hours a week! Or, how were they suppose to live on x amount of money a week (when their parents payed for everything and they were working for spending money at the same pay rate I was supporting a child on!). It's really all in your perspective you know.

I have walked into a clients home who obviously makes gobs of money and felt a little jealous only to go into another home of a client who is living it squalor and then feel bad about my earlier jealousy/ingratitude. Because those people think I"M rich, and I'm far from it! It's all in perspective.

~Me, mama to soapbox boy (1991), photo girl (1997), gadget girl (2003), jungle boy (2005), fan boy (2007) and twirly girl (2011). Twenty five years of tree hugging, breastfeeding, cosleeping, unschooling, craziness!
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#92 of 100 Old 03-13-2010, 04:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by elus0814 View Post
I came back from a playgroup with moms who, for the most part, have just one child each with a few moms of two mixed in. It seemed like the moms were all complaining about how they can't get anything done and their child doesn't take a long enough nap so they can have some down time. It irritated me since I have three little kids at home, two of whom no longer take naps, and I'm expecting again.
They have NO idea of your work load. The same way that you had no idea before you had three kids. All they know is that their workload has increased significantly. It's all about perspective.

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It seems like the few times I've mentioned that I'm tired or overwhelmed I get unsympathetic looks and am told things like 'I'd be tired too if I was you' or 'then why are you having another'. I can't even voice a complaint but I look uncaring if I don't sympathize with the SAHMs of one who only get three hours a day to themselves.

Does anyone else feel this way?
It's quite possible that they really can't imagine why you're having another. Clearly, one child is overwhelming them, right?

In love with Dh since 1998. We created Ds (7.1.03), Dd (10.16.06) and Dd (3.16.09).
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#93 of 100 Old 03-14-2010, 03:19 PM
 
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Honestly, I just find the implication that one mom has it so much harder than the other (so therefore the mom with the "easier" situation can't complain) just insulting and judgmental.

I have one child and it has been incredibly hard for me. I could write out a laundry list of reasons why, but there's no need. It's all relative. One person's difficulty could be no big deal to someone else. I KNOW moms with more kids have it very hard and that is one reason why we are only having one. We have been having that hard of a time (coupled with other reasons.)

You know, it has bothered me that maybe somehow I'm less of a mother because I feel I can only handle one, and attitudes like this don't help.

Once again, I know it must be very difficult... but that doesn't negate the struggles of moms with only one.

Something else my dh and I have often wondered, and I'm not implying that anyone on this board is doing this, is how many moms that supposedly have it easier let their kids CIO or don't put as much effort into their kids as other moms. Effort does have something to do with it. My dd hasn't slept more than 4 hours at a time (an that was only once or twice) since she was a newborn. She's 20 months.
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#94 of 100 Old 03-14-2010, 04:42 PM
 
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Honestly, I just find the implication that one mom has it so much harder than the other (so therefore the mom with the "easier" situation can't complain) just insulting and judgmental.
I totally agree. There is always someone who is going to have it worse off then you. That does not immediately invalidate your feelings.

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#95 of 100 Old 03-14-2010, 08:59 PM
 
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Years ago I read about some study that showed getting married was more stressful than suffering a death in the family. Reading this thread made me realize how, as others are saying, it's really all a matter of perspective.

For some of us, becoming a parent for the first time is more stressful than adjusting to additional children. For some, going from working full time to staying home full time is more stressful than going from staying at home to working.

And for some it's the complete opposite. Different people, different perspectives, different experiences.

Susan -- married WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005), who started out unschooling and have now embarked on the public school adventure.
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#96 of 100 Old 03-14-2010, 11:28 PM
 
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Something else my dh and I have often wondered, and I'm not implying that anyone on this board is doing this, is how many moms that supposedly have it easier let their kids CIO or don't put as much effort into their kids as other moms. Effort does have something to do with it. My dd hasn't slept more than 4 hours at a time (an that was only once or twice) since she was a newborn. She's 20 months.
I don't think I would agree with this statement. The many moms who have stated to me that motherhood was "too" hard, or that they were overwhelmed have been almost exclusively non ap types. This is just anecdotal of course, but in the past 11 years of meeting and talking with other new moms that has been what I see. I certainly do not CIO, I put ALOT of effort into parenting, but I do not have a hard time. I am a very patient person, my children have been a mixed bag of high needs and very laid back. Anyhow, I am just trying to point out that to say the mom who is complaining is putting more effort into her child/ren is somewhat insulting in itself. And with that said I truly hope you are able to get some solid sleep for both of you soon! Sleep is vitally important!

Wendy,loving wife to Brian, happy mama of Trinity(15), Christian(15), Gavin(13), Logan(11), Griffon(9),Jubilee(7), Epiphany (4), and Lucian Danger( born 18 April 12) <3
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#97 of 100 Old 03-14-2010, 11:43 PM
 
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did you not plan on all the bebes? I'm not sure what you're looking for either. Of course you don't have an ounce of time... you have almost 4 kids!
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#98 of 100 Old 03-14-2010, 11:52 PM
 
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I don't think I would agree with this statement. The many moms who have stated to me that motherhood was "too" hard, or that they were overwhelmed have been almost exclusively non ap types. This is just anecdotal of course, but in the past 11 years of meeting and talking with other new moms that has been what I see. I certainly do not CIO, I put ALOT of effort into parenting, but I do not have a hard time. I am a very patient person, my children have been a mixed bag of high needs and very laid back. Anyhow, I am just trying to point out that to say the mom who is complaining is putting more effort into her child/ren is somewhat insulting in itself. And with that said I truly hope you are able to get some solid sleep for both of you soon! Sleep is vitally important!
I see what you are saying. "Effort" is another relative term and doesn't have much to do with this particular discussion. I actually almost deleted that paragraph. I guess I was just trying to say that even "just one' can be really rough, especially with lack of sleep for a very long time. My best friend's high needs babe (in the sleep category) was her second. She could never nap, b/c she had a toddler, and then she went back to work with no sleep.

I guess I'm just really happy that she's there for me and I know she empathizes with me rather than rolling her eyes b/c it was harder for her than for me. She knows it's still hard.

And if I were less high strung, maybe I'd roll with all of it better, but unfortunately, my middle name is anxiety.
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#99 of 100 Old 03-15-2010, 12:59 AM
 
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did you not plan on all the bebes? I'm not sure what you're looking for either. Of course you don't have an ounce of time... you have almost 4 kids!
As already discussed upthread, if those of us with a bunch of kids have no right to complain about any of it, because we wanted those kids, then those with only one have no right to complain, either.

The "who has it worst?" sweepstakes does nobody any good. I'd be very upset if I were the OP...but I also don't see the point in dismissing the problems of people with only one child, either.

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#100 of 100 Old 03-15-2010, 01:28 AM
 
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As already discussed upthread, if those of us with a bunch of kids have no right to complain about any of it, because we wanted those kids, then those with only one have no right to complain, either.
That's awesome!

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