Bothered by DH's overly-touchy/close uncle. - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-03-2010, 09:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by rayo de sol View Post
That is such a good point!

Let's have a sub-forum for discussing how to prevent child sexual abuse!

Mama to expecting Babe 2
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Old 03-03-2010, 10:06 PM
 
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I'm not sure what I'd think, honestly. I'd find it very strange if a mom was "inching" closer to me while I was holding her baby. If she wanted the baby back, I'd expect her to ask, and I'd probably be wondering what on earth was going on.
I have to agree with Storm Bride. Also, I find the "no kissing on the lips" thing pretty weird.

And frankly, I think Protecting The Gift is extremely overrated on MDC.

Just be honest and tell BIL when any of his behaviour makes you uncomfortable, and explain why. Multi-generational households have their own unique difficulties that are best handled by honest communication. None of us are mind readers, so I assume BIL is not either. Don't jump to conclusions when you haven't even tried to discuss an issue.
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Old 03-03-2010, 10:38 PM
 
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WindyCityMom, your instincts are very good because a lot of what you described seems to be in line with what the stopitnow.com site calls Signs That an Adult May Be At-Risk to Harm a Child:

Quote:
* Misses or ignores social cues about others’ personal or sexual limits and boundariesi?
* Often has a "special" child friend, maybe a different one from year to year?
* Spends most of his/her spare time with children and shows little interest in spending time with someone their own age?
* Encourages silence and secrets in children?
More signs to watch for:

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* Makes others uncomfortable by ignoring social, emotional or physical boundariesi or limits?
* Refuses to let a child set any of his or her own limits? Uses teasing or belittling language to keep a child from setting a limit?
* Insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling with or holding a child even when the child does not want this physical contact or attention?
* Frequently walks in on children/teens in the bathroom?
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Old 03-03-2010, 10:58 PM
 
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Maybe in your house. I kiss my babies/children on the lips all the time....

I think the OP should trust her gut. From her post, I didn't get "child molester", though. I got "boundary issues" and "lonely". Since I'm not there, I have no idea what the vibe he's giving off is like, and I, personally, pay more attention to that than to descriptions of behaviour. She should totally go with her gut feeling. It's important to teach her kids some guidelines, in any case.


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Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I'm not sure what I'd think, honestly. I'd find it very strange if a mom was "inching" closer to me while I was holding her baby. If she wanted the baby back, I'd expect her to ask, and I'd probably be wondering what on earth was going on.
I completely agree.

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Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
I cannot imagine never leaving my husband alone with his daughters. How is that an attitude that is healthy for young girls to learn, that even their fathers cannot be trusted.
It isn't healthy.

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Originally Posted by WindyCityMom View Post
...When I mentioned this to my DH, he told me "My uncle just likes kids. He was the same way when so and so was born. It is just how he is. He's not going to have kids of his own, he's single and probably past his prime". Still makes me uncomfortable....
This really sounds to be the case from what you've written. If you feel uncomfortable, then you really need to make a plan to leave. I don't know how to say this, but if this person is a predator, just avoiding him is probably not going to be enough.
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Old 03-03-2010, 11:03 PM
 
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Uh, yes, as many as I stated. We can never know for sure exactly what percentage of child molesters are male vs. female because it's such an under-reported crime. 88% of sexual abuse is never reported to the authorities.

Until it's reported more, we'll have to go with the Bureau of Justice statistics, which state that 96% of sex offenders are male--in the United States. Perhaps Canada has a different situation, I don't really know.
There is a big difference between saying that most (reported) abuse is perpetrated by men and saying most men are abusers. Given that most abusers will abuse more than one person, even if you accept the 20% of children are abused statistic, it doesn't follow that for each abused child there is an abusive man.
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Old 03-03-2010, 11:22 PM
 
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There is a big difference between saying that most (reported) abuse is perpetrated by men and saying most men are abusers. Given that most abusers will abuse more than one person, even if you accept the 20% of children are abused statistic, it doesn't follow that for each abused child there is an abusive man.
I think we agree. When did I or anyone on this thread say that "most men are abusers"???
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Old 03-03-2010, 11:33 PM
 
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This does not say child molester to me. Many of the things you listed are things that my parents do with my kids - they kiss on the lips, they hold them in their laps, they have their picture as the screensaver on their computers, if they are watching TV in their room the kids will usually crawl up and lay with them, etc. And my family is NOT an overly touchy family. But they love my kids immensely and truly love to spend time and be with them.

And I agree with another poster that if they were holding my baby and I inched closer, they would wonder what was wrong with me.
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Old 03-04-2010, 12:20 AM
 
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The statistics really don't matter here. The numbers don't matter. The debate about how many men exactly are predators compared with women doesn't matter either.

What matters is that the mama's gut says something is wrong. Period. That's all that matters. Listen to your gut!

Get out of there, fast. Move in with the auntie you mentioned in pp. If that's not possible, then I'm sorry, but I'd have to agree w/ pp who mentioned anonymous call to INS. And YES check out what pics he has on his computer! This is your child's safety! Wouldn't you rather be "paranoid" now than to later wish that you had just been a little more protective and regret if for the rest of your life?

Avoiding the uncle is a temporary consideration that will not work in the long run. Do you really want to never be able to leave your house without your children because you will never be sure if MIL or other adult is going to unintentionally give him a chance?

He's not leaving; if you want to feel like your children are safe in their home, then you have to find a new home for them.

So sorry you're going through this!

But please, trust your instincts. When it comes to the lecherous vibe, moms are usually right on.

Happy and in love with my family!
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Old 03-04-2010, 01:43 AM
 
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OP- I would also be uncomfortable with Uncle. Even with cultural differences and whether it were a male or female family member I would be uncomfortable. Taking my child away alone without my permission would have ended pretty much any concern I had over sparing feelings. No, a hundred times, no. Also having a picture of my child I did not recognize I would definitely check the pics on the computer. It definitely doesn't have to mean anything. But I would check all the same. He did entrust the computer to your dh so one would think that alone would declare there was nothing worrisome on there. I would definitely do everything I could to establish boundaries with him for the time you have to share a living space. You need to feel comfortable in your parenting in this matter.

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Old 03-04-2010, 08:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks again, everyone.

My DH is now on board with me. He actually told me that awhile back, his cousin was living upstairs with his grandma, and his sister, then 10, reported excessive hugging that wouldn't stop- and no one tried to stop it either. He said that he knows things can happen.

I also shared with him a story of mine.. when I was 4yo, I was possibly sexually abused by my mother's fiance (NOT my current stepdad ). I don't remember it, I remember telling my mom but I remember thinking that I was lying to them and the police and being scared of the policeman. Not sure if it is post traumatic denial or what, but I still shared that with him (there was a restraining order filed and he served jail time).

This freaked out my husband quite a bit, and he agreed that DD goes where we go.. MIL won't watch her unless we absolutely need her to. So the situation is partially under control for now I discussed with him many of the things discussed in this thread and it really helped him understand where I'm coming from. Thanks again!

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Old 03-05-2010, 10:42 PM
 
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My DH is now on board with me. He actually told me that awhile back, his cousin was living upstairs with his grandma, and his sister, then 10, reported excessive hugging that wouldn't stop- and no one tried to stop it either.
WindyCityMom, I'm so glad that your DH is taking this possible threat of sexual abuse seriously now.

So, you're saying that the creepy uncle was hugging the 10-year-old girl so much that it was bothering her?

Ack! Don't let him touch your DD anymore, please!

Or was it this cousin you mention who was disrespecting the 10-year-old? I'm confused. Is this a cousin that still lives in the same building?

Am I understanding that there are now two potentially creepy men in this house? Sorry in advance if I've got this all wrong!

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Originally Posted by WindyCityMom View Post
This freaked out my husband quite a bit, and he agreed that DD goes where we go.. MIL won't watch her unless we absolutely need her to. So the situation is partially under control for now I discussed with him many of the things discussed in this thread and it really helped him understand where I'm coming from. Thanks again!
The part I bolded above worries me. Does your MIL understand that the uncle is not to touch or be near or ever be left alone with DD? Does she truly get the danger of sexual abuse? Or is she in denial?

It doesn't really sound like a good idea to have MIL watching DD when the uncle is right there. Is there another babysitter you could use instead--preferably one in a different household so that the uncle wouldn't be around?
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Old 03-06-2010, 03:39 PM
 
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It doesn't really sound like a good idea to have MIL watching DD when the uncle is right there. Is there another babysitter you could use instead--preferably one in a different household so that the uncle wouldn't be around?
Yeah, I agree. I wouldn't let anyone in the house watch DD. Unless they're willing to accept that the uncle is a potential predator, keep them away from your daughter. It only takes a minute for her to be victimized. Anyone watching your daughter needs to be on guard, including the MIL.
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Old 03-06-2010, 10:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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no, not two of them in the house- the old one was DHs cousin and he moved out a few years ago (before we moved in). It was HIM with DHs sister (then 10yo), not the uncle that I'm speaking of.

The uncle works every day with FIL from very early in the morning until dinnertime.. so if there is need for MIL to watch DD during the morning hours that's better. Otherwise, DD will be with us. We're not going to let MIL watch her until we discuss this with her. She's very opinionated and I know this won't go over well.. I know it's ridiculous, not sure if it is denial or ignorance.

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Old 03-07-2010, 11:17 PM
 
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It is highly concerning that you're planning to stick around. I understand life circumstances, I do. However, if you and your husband are now convinced his uncle is a predator and treating it as fact, you really need to make an exit plan. IMO, you cannot expect someone else to protect your child(ren).
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Old 03-09-2010, 12:54 AM
 
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I would be wigged out by this guy.
The taking the baby OUT OF THE HOUSE without my knowledge or consent would have been the deal breaker. The man would not be allowed to touch my DD after that. No way.

Lucky wife to DH and mom to DS (10/02) and sweet DD (7/08) and DSD (3/93) and assorted animalia
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Old 03-09-2010, 03:03 PM
 
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We're not going to let MIL watch her until we discuss this with her. She's very opinionated and I know this won't go over well.. I know it's ridiculous, not sure if it is denial or ignorance.
It sounds like your MIL might be in denial. Don't leave DD with MIL if MIL can't acknowledge any danger from Uncle.

There are a lot of people in denial about sexual abuse. In our culture it's a tradition for it to be taboo to talk about and acknowledge. It's just been in the last couple of decades that people have been slowly waking up to the reality.

Just know that the Uncle has been displaying classic sex offender grooming signs. Have you read Protecting the Gift yet? Would MIL read it?

I agree with others that you should really be working on a plan to move out. It is not feasible long-term for DD's safety to be living in the same house as a possible child molester. You really don't want to take chances like that.
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