Grandparents taking your child to church if you are not religious? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 12:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
snoopy5386's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 2,598
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This weekend for the first time MIL and SFIL watched DD so we could go away overnight - we left Saturday morning and came back Sunday afternoon. They came and stayed with DD at our home (about 3 hours from theirs). MIL and SFIL are very religious and very involved in their church, DH and I are not religious at all - we don't believe in any organized religion.
Since they were staying at our home far away from their church it hadn't occurred to me that they might take her to church on Sunday morning. When I talked to them Saturday night they mentioned getting together with some nearby relatives the next morning. It didn't occur to me until Sunday morning that they'd be going to church with these relatives and bringing DD with them.
MIL never mentioned church - either before or afterward. When I asked DD what she did that morning she said we went to so and so's house, we went to church and then we went to breakfast - that is how I found out they went.

I'm still not sure how I feel about this.....we in general have a great relationship with them and we have managed to go for years without our differing religious beliefs being a problem....I knew having kids would bring things up and I'm really not sure how to deal with this issue.
Looking for insight.

Mom to Morgan 4-3-06 and announcing Baby Kelsey 4-11-10
snoopy5386 is offline  
#2 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 12:43 AM
 
Mountaingirl79's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Asheville NC
Posts: 1,261
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i have no problem with my son's grandma taking him/them to church for Mass when they are with her. It is valuable time with grandma and they are being exposed to something other than what they know at home. They know also, that not everyone is Catholic, so it is just a new experience and bonding time for them right now.

My oldest son loves it, but my younger one does not and usually chooses to stay with whatever non- practicing adult is in the house at the time.


I just see it as exposure to different things.

Mom to three boys 7/7/00 fencing.gif 11/20/02 and 10/29/2011 luxlove.gif

 

Writing at: http://paisleymama.blogspot.com/ and other places! 

 

 
 
 

Mountaingirl79 is offline  
#3 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 12:46 AM
 
a-sorta-fairytale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Hangin' with the raisin girls
Posts: 5,136
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 20 Post(s)
I would be a bit irritated that they hadn't asked me first. That said, we are not the same religion as my IL's or my dad but i told them both they could take my kids to church. IL's have never taken me up on it they have taken my kids bowling like twice for an hour and that is it.

My dad on the other hand is really close with my kids. they sleep over 1-3 times a month and usually it is on saturday so he has church sunday. He has taken dd a few times. She usually doesnt like it and finds it boring but if she wants to sleep over on a sat she knows that she might be going to church. sometimes she likes going because sometimes they have a big breakfast afterward or one of her cousins will be there. I dont have an issue with it because dd is very bright and understands that diff people believe diff things and grandpa believes something diff then us. If he sneakily took her i would be angry with him. It is the fact that he is open with us about it that makes me fine with it.
a-sorta-fairytale is offline  
#4 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 12:46 AM
 
TinkerBelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 3,586
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If you don't want your child to go to church, that is your right. But, you may need to find new sitters. Because you should not expect them not to attend their church, if it is that important to them, just because your child is there.

I am not saying you would expect that, but wanted to put it out there, just in case.

They may not have even thought that it would be a huge deal, because you know that they go to church.
TinkerBelle is offline  
#5 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 12:52 AM
 
Hedgehog Mtn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 356
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I feel you mama. If I asked my mom to babysit over a Sunday I guess (never having thought about it till your post) that she would go to our local church of her denomination. She always looked for one on vacation etc so spending a weekend at my house would be no different I guess. I'm not sure I'd be thrilled but I wouldn't feel okay asking her to skip if she was watching my kids. Babysitting for a weekend would be awesome if she could do it. I don't think she could comprehend why it wouldn't be okay with us....if I told her it was offensive I'm sure she would not ignore me and take them anyways but I really don't think she would understand.
Hedgehog Mtn is offline  
#6 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 01:05 AM
 
new2this's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 282
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
For me I wouldn't be bothered by it because I think it is a great teaching tool to expose kids to that sorts of things even if it would be against what I believe because I want my kids to grow up to eventually make their own choice so being exposed to it wouldn't bother me.

ETA: I think since you generally have a good relationship with them it could be like since it never occured to you that they would go maybe it didn't occur to your MIL that you would generally mind and something worth asking permission for.
new2this is offline  
#7 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 01:35 AM
 
annethcz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: on the beautiful prairie of MN
Posts: 9,947
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My parents take my kids to church when the kids spend the weekend with their grandparents. It doesn't bother me. I am a former Christian, and not terribly fond of organized religion. That said, I respect my parents' beliefs. I also think that it's generally a good thing for my kids to be exposed to religion on an occasional basis. It will allow them to make a better informed decision regarding religion as they grow up.

New signature, same old me: Ann- mama of 2 boys and 2 girls, partnered to a fabulous man.
I'm an unintentional weasel feeder and I suck at proofreading.
annethcz is offline  
#8 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 02:02 AM
 
philomom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 9,443
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Yeah, my parents snuck both my kids off to church when I had asked them not to. I had to limit overnights after that.

I'm not comfortable with the church I grew up in... it is very brain-washy and cult-ish. I'm thrilled to have broken away from the flock.
philomom is offline  
#9 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 02:52 AM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,697
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 76 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by snoopy5386 View Post
MIL never mentioned church - either before or afterward.
That's seriously icky.

We tried to be cool about the whole "different people believe different things" thing, but my parents used every visit and gift opportunity to try to evangelize my kids. I finally talked to them and pulled the plug on it. It was very uncomfortable, but made every thing much simplier.

I'm sure in some families being mellow would work, but not with my parents. They don't understand mutual respect or a middle ground, so we had to draw a firm boundary.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#10 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 05:31 AM
 
Bellabaz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Gex, France
Posts: 843
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would be angry they didn't ask first and they seemed to have purposely avoidded telling you. However if it was discussed before hand, it probably wouldn't bother me very much.

I am the odd one out in our family. Dh and fam and most of my fam are Catholic (although my fam doesn't really practice and dh doesn't really either). I was raised Catholic but no longer believe in the church. I personally don't care for organized religions at all. If my dd were to spend the weekend at ILs it is possible they would take her to mass. I think it could be a good opportunity to expose her to the faith a lot of her family members practice and be explain to her that its not the only thing out there and that difference people believe different things or show thier belef in different ways.

Mamma to dd1 3/8/07, one 9.5.08, and dd2 9/9/09
Bellabaz is offline  
#11 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 08:45 AM
 
AllisonR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 3,137
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellabaz View Post
I would be angry they didn't ask first and they seemed to have purposely avoidded telling you. However if it was discussed before hand, it probably wouldn't bother me very much.
This. In this case, I don't think the issue is church at all. It could have been the ice cream parlor or Disneyland. The issue is that they were trying to pull one over on you, and they got "caught" by your DD who told where she had been. if I had to guess, if you flat out asked them, did you take her to church, they would have said yes. But they were not going to say it themselves. To forget to tell you they had a piece of chocolate is a simple oversight. To "forget" to tell you they went to church, knowing clearly you do not go to church, that is not "forgetful." That is dishonest.

If it was me, I would feel hurt. And I would tell my folks that.

For the record, my parents are Roman Catholic. DH and I are athiests. If they were taking DS and DD over a weekend, and wanted to go to church, they would let us know, beforehand. If they had honestly forgot to mention it, they would either not take them, or take them and then let DH and I know when we got back. That's just simple honest and respect for one another. And I would be fine with either scenario. I would not love it, but I would accept it. Their home, their time, I am grateful they are loving grandparents who can watch my kids while I have a break, so a little church isn't going to hurt my kids.
AllisonR is offline  
#12 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 09:07 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,028
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't know which would annoy me more. The fact that they didn't mention it at all or even ask. Or the fact that my DD was brought to church in the first place.

I am not going to stop DD from going to church when she is older but there is no chance she will be going with me or me letting her go with anyone until she asks me herself to go. I do want her to learn about other religions because it is important to know all you can and if she wants to be any one thing that is her decision when she is old enough to understand it a bit. I am not interested in her stepping foot in a church though as there are other ways to learn about organized religion. I guess I just have a real disdain for organized religion and to me there are far more important things for her to learn about. That said I would never ever be mad at her for joining a church or particular religion, much of my family is very catholic and it certainly doesn't impact how much I love them.
Ldavis24 is offline  
#13 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 09:10 AM
 
mtiger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,377
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Unless this is something that's a regular event, I really wouldn't sweat it. I don't think they were "pull one over" on you - it sounds as though it didn't occur to you that they'd be going to Church, and it didn't occur to them that you wouldn't think they would.

Was the child harmed, upset, confused, etc? Or was she okay with it, especially spending time with her grandparents? Then I wouldn't be too concerned or upset. Personally.
mtiger is offline  
#14 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 09:11 AM
 
ollyoxenfree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 4,933
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
I would be concerned that they aren't talking frankly about how your child spent time with them. It doesn't bode well for a future honest relationship between grandparents-parents-children. You'll always wonder what they might allow your children to do that you wouldn't favour.

I would explain to them that you would like to be informed fully and completely about their plans and about any changes to plans.

As for the church-going itself - that's a personal matter. You'll have to decide for yourself whether you object. I wouldn't. It's an important part of the grandparents' life. Thus, I think their grandchildren should understand it and make some effort to experience it, even if they don't hold the same beliefs. For that reason, I would attend a few times myself with them, and I wouldn't object if they wanted to go when I couldn't. If you object, though, you are entitled to ask the grandparents to keep your child out of church. I don't think you can ask them to take care of your child on Sundays though, if that is their regular day for religious attendance.
ollyoxenfree is offline  
#15 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 09:25 AM
 
wemoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 6,360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
This wouldn't be a big deal for me. My kids hate church, so they would probably complain the whole time. We've only gone for marriages, baptisms, and funerals. I think it is good that they have an idea of what church is, so that when people ask why they don't go they can formulate some sort of answer. Right now they tell people... Because it is boring!

coffee-drinking caffix.gifsocial worker in HIV/AIDS ribbonred.giflady-loving ribbonrainbow.gifbike-riding bikenew.gifmom of two twins.gif
wemoon is offline  
#16 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 09:36 AM
 
possum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: the far north (sort of)
Posts: 793
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldn't feel comfortable with my young child being taken to an evangelical soul-winning type of church AT ALL. IME, they are always looking for recruits, and the younger the better. I would definitely feel comfortable with my young child going to a service and seeing other people worship as long as they didn't have any need for my child to worship too. In general I think I'd feel comfortable with my son observing a Christian high church service or going to a number of non-Christian services.
I wouldn't feel comfortable with deceit for any reason, but I'm not sure that is what happened in your case. My ILs are wonderful people who might very well do some religious thing without thinking much of it and not mention it. They just see god as a real part of their lives and tend not be be self-conscious about their religion.
Unless you have explicitly forbidden church visits or were purposely misled, I wouldn't sweat it once. But I would address it for the future.

Melinda
possum is offline  
#17 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 10:31 AM
 
Joyster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Toronto
Posts: 1,604
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I might be on the side to give them the benefit of the doubt. If your DD is old enough to tell you, they probably weren't thinking of pulling a fast one on you. Are they aware of how much you don't want her exposed to their religion? Is it something you expressed explicitly with them? Were they aware that they were going to make the service, being in a different area?

I'm asking these questions, not to challenge you, but help you ascertain whether or not they really had some crummy motives behind it. If you feel they have, or if they still really want to go to church on Sunday's even if they have your DD and you're against that, you might have to find some new sitters for overnight weekends.

For me, I wouldn't feel too upset, I believe religion starts at home, and though we do go to church (or try) weekly, I feel that the most important lessons they get are from us. But then again, our church isn't really big on the whole uber-indoctrination stuff.

Don't trust anyone under 5! Mom to 3 boys under 5. Blogging to save my sanity.
Joyster is offline  
#18 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 11:08 AM
 
PoppyMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In my own delusions.
Posts: 3,305
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I'm not seeing any sneakiness here just normal routine that no one considered. My grandmother went to church away from home too and took us. My dad had left christianity completely but my going with her was never a problem.
PoppyMama is offline  
#19 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 11:22 AM
 
Grace and Granola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 1,595
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Let me preface by saying that I'm a church-goer...but I hope that my perspective will help you

First of all, as far as some people thinking it's sneaky for them not to have mentioned church before or after....don't you know that they go to church every sunday? I would assume that it would be a given unless you specifically told them not to take the kids to church. When you go to church EVERY sunday, it's just part of your life, not a big event that you talk so much about...it's just what you do! I would think that it would be assumed they were going since you know they go every sunday.

As far as your feelings about them going....Even though we go to church, my MIL goes to a different church, and when the kids spend a night there, she is SO excited to take them to her church. She is overjoyed to "show off" her grandkids to her friends and have them be a part of her life in that way. I think it's awesome how proud she is of them.

Also, if you're worried about the "religion" of it all. Your dd will learn far more about God from your ILs, themselves, than from the church. KWIM? They will learn by what ILs tell her over the years, not from singing some songs and doing a craft at an hour in Sunday school. At least at our church, the kids are just doing fun stuff while the adults are in church!

If your DD didn't like going or was scared or something, then I would definitely say something. But if she doesn't mind and your ILs get some joy out of it, I don't see the harm. HTH

Heather-- I'm a <>< SAHM of two fabulous boys 8/05 and 2/07
Grace and Granola is offline  
#20 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 11:26 AM
 
snarky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 77
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post
If you don't want your child to go to church, that is your right. But, you may need to find new sitters. Because you should not expect them not to attend their church, if it is that important to them, just because your child is there.

I am not saying you would expect that, but wanted to put it out there, just in case.

They may not have even thought that it would be a huge deal, because you know that they go to church.


My inlaws take my daughter to church as well when she is staying with them. I am fine with this. It is unfair to expect my inlaws not to attend church because they have my daughter. I didn't see any malice in this either. To some people going to church is like breathing and it is almost a routine non-event in their day (my mother-in-law goes to daily mass).

Now I am not religious so I find my daughter's understanding of Jesus when she comes back from mass kind of amusing. When she was two, we'd read "There's an Alligator Under My Bed", she'd point to the mom in that book (who had long hair and a robe) and said "Jesus!" You'll have plenty of time to talk to her about what she is and isn't learning (pro tip: not much if she's not attending regularly). Either let it go or find a new sitter.
snarky is offline  
#21 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 11:29 AM
 
That Is Nice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 7,036
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by snoopy5386 View Post
Since they were staying at our home far away from their church it hadn't occurred to me that they might take her to church on Sunday morning. When I talked to them Saturday night they mentioned getting together with some nearby relatives the next morning. It didn't occur to me until Sunday morning that they'd be going to church with these relatives and bringing DD with them.
MIL never mentioned church - either before or afterward. When I asked DD what she did that morning she said we went to so and so's house, we went to church and then we went to breakfast - that is how I found out they went.
Wow, yes, I would be upset, in this case. When I first read your post, I was thinking, oh, if they were babysitting at their house, and church on Sunday is their usual routine, I wouldn't mind so much.

But they were babysitting at your house? And they didn't mention they would be taking your daughter to church?

I'd be upset. It sounds like they deliberately didn't tell you in advance.

I have had boundary issues like that with my inlaws, a bit. They do things I've explained to them are counter to my/our parenting values. They don't want to have to think any differently than how they parented.

Smoking is the other issue with them around the grandchildren. Again, they don't see it as an issue for them. But their house smells strongly of smoke, and it's just not good to have grandkids there. And then they wonder why the grandkids can't stay over night or for a week or something.
That Is Nice is offline  
#22 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 11:43 AM
 
GoestoShow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 654
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

.

GoestoShow is offline  
#23 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 11:55 AM
 
Llyra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: right here
Posts: 9,450
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It really would depend for me on what you think their intentions are.

For example, I would not think twice if my mom brought my kids to her church. She's Catholic; DH and I are Unitarian-Universalist. I say that because I know she knows and respects my own religious choices, and that she doesn't have any kind of agenda in bringing my kids to her church. If she happened to be going, and they happened to be there, they'd go, and she'd be thrilled to show them off to friends and family, but that's all it would be.

On the other hand, my Dad, who's a Baptist, would never ever be allowed to take my kids to church with him. I say this because I KNOW for sure that he'd be doing it with an agenda-- he's crossed boundaries before on religious issues. He believes and is willing to say to my face that my decisions about my kids' religious upbringing are "putting their immortal souls in peril." If my kids went to his church, they'd be subject to pressure and manipulation that they're not mature enough to handle. I already have to screen gifts, for example, because he keeps bringing them stuff like overtly religious videos, and last summer he registered them for vacation bible school without asking me first.

It's nothing to do with denomination, either. If my dad just wanted to bring them to his church because he wanted his friends to meet them, and for them to see where he goes on Sundays, I'd be perfectly willing to allow it. It's the issue of respect for my choices and the person's intentions that would matter to me.

me knit.gif, he bikenew.gif, my three reading.gif, sleepytime.gif, and fairy.gif-- and the one we lost angel2.gif
Llyra is offline  
#24 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 12:15 PM
 
EFmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 8,104
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I guess I sort of think it's up to you to have thought this through and discussed it with them. Since you didn't, I would let it slide.

I'm an atheist and I would not be OK with my kids' Catholic grandparents taking them to their church, ever. But I would consider it my responsibility to make that clear. I view people babysitting my kids as a favor to me, not a favor to them. So, if the GP weren't OK with making alternate church arrangements, I'd find a different babysitter.
EFmom is offline  
#25 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 12:41 PM
 
rightkindofme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 4,642
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 22 Post(s)
Uhm, I find the assumptions of sneakiness kind of odd. If your parents in law got up every morning and took a mile long walk and brought your kid with them would you consider that sneaky if they just did it without bringing it up? If it was a normal part of their routine and they think nothing of it I would assume it's the same thing for church. It probably would never occur to them that they *shouldn't* go while babysitting.

I think that if you have an issue with your kid going to church you should bring it up gently. If you have a good relationship it's not necessary to go stepping on toes. I don't think they did anything wrong. They included your kid in their life. Isn't that what grandparents are supposed to do? If you don't like their life and you don't want your kid involved in their life you need to say that and not assume that they will know you hate their life.

Before folks jump on me and say that I'm defending them because I'm religious--I'm not. I haven't been in a church for anything other than a wedding in 15 years. But I respect the fact that most people of faith are doing the best they can with what they have and they mean well. If you look for the bad in people, you will surely find it.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

rightkindofme is offline  
#26 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 12:55 PM
 
TinkerBelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 3,586
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post
Uhm, I find the assumptions of sneakiness kind of odd. If your parents in law got up every morning and took a mile long walk and brought your kid with them would you consider that sneaky if they just did it without bringing it up? If it was a normal part of their routine and they think nothing of it I would assume it's the same thing for church. It probably would never occur to them that they *shouldn't* go while babysitting.

I think that if you have an issue with your kid going to church you should bring it up gently. If you have a good relationship it's not necessary to go stepping on toes. I don't think they did anything wrong. They included your kid in their life. Isn't that what grandparents are supposed to do? If you don't like their life and you don't want your kid involved in their life you need to say that and not assume that they will know you hate their life.

Before folks jump on me and say that I'm defending them because I'm religious--I'm not. I haven't been in a church for anything other than a wedding in 15 years. But I respect the fact that most people of faith are doing the best they can with what they have and they mean well. If you look for the bad in people, you will surely find it.

I agree with you. It disturbs me that some people are jumping to the conclusion that the grandparents were being sneaky or have some hidden agenda about taking their grandkids to church.

I mean, hey, if they constantly undermine you and are vocal about doing whatever they want with your kids, okay, then I can see being upset. Otherwise, it seems to me that they are merely living their life and including the grandkids in that life.
TinkerBelle is offline  
#27 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 01:04 PM
 
leighi123's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Indialantic, FL
Posts: 1,317
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I only have a problem with it if the intent is to push the religion on my ds.

My mom offered to take ds to church the other day, b/c they have a kids program with crafts/games/stories, which sounded like fun (its at 9am though and ds sleeps in!)

I wouldnt have a problem with her taking him once in a while, just for a different experence. If it was every week, then I wouldnt want him to go, because I dont really want him TOO involved.

We do go to church events, b/c the one right by our house is big on the kids stuff, so they have events for halloween, easter and all that, but they are not religious based, just happened to be sponsored by the church.
Ds also has a part in a play that the church is doing!
leighi123 is offline  
#28 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 01:12 PM
 
ollyoxenfree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 4,933
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post
Uhm, I find the assumptions of sneakiness kind of odd.
Oh, I'm not sure about that. It was the first time the grandparents watched the child. It was the first time the child had been to church. I would expect either of these events to generate a minute-by-minute, blow-by-blow re-telling from proud grannie and grandpa about what they did and how things went. Yet they said nothing:

Quote:
Originally Posted by snoopy5386 View Post
This weekend for the first time MIL and SFIL watched DD so we could go away overnight -

When I talked to them Saturday night they mentioned getting together with some nearby relatives the next morning.

MIL never mentioned church - either before or afterward..

If the grandparents mentioned casually that they had gone to church and the child liked it or was well-behaved or even was a little terror, then I'd be more inclined to think it was just part of their routine. The fact that they said nothing about a fair part of their day together speaks volumes.

The OP will have to judge whether the grandparents are entirely innocent in intentions and in disclosure. If they have told her all about the other events of the weekend, and chose to say nothing about church, I'd be a little suspicious.

And even if they are entirely innocent, I would still have a discussion explaining that I'd like to know details about their plans and activities when they watch my children.
ollyoxenfree is offline  
#29 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 01:30 PM
 
lotusdebi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Facebook
Posts: 6,653
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It definitely comes across as sneaky to me. And I really wouldn't be okay with it. But, the few people who watch my children already know this, so it wouldn't be an issue for me.

There are churches that preach that their way is the only way. There are churches that preach intolerance of others. There are churches that preach about hell and damnation. There are churches that preach hatred. And most churches are going to preach about the existence of a supernatural being. I don't want my children being taught this stuff until they're old enough to know their own minds, and have been taught to adequately filter messages from adults. Some of these messages can be incredibly harmful to children, and it's my responsibility to protect my kids from those ideas until they can properly process them. I am teaching my children about different religions. Teaching them about religions from an intellectual and historical point of view, and teaching them that certain religions are truth and that the only way to be a good person is to follow their rules, are totally different things. There will be a point at which my children will be permitted to go to different houses of worship. The only one that I'd be okay with at this point in their developments might be a Unitarian Universalist church because of the way they approach differing belief systems.

You can find me on Facebook. PM for info.
lotusdebi is offline  
#30 of 63 Old 03-02-2010, 01:33 PM
 
ginapueblo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Pueblo, Colorado
Posts: 79
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
While church wasn't the issue for our family (crap food was), I have learned that it is worth letting go of your own agenda and letting your children have a relationship that is not controlled by you with their grandparents. You benefit by getting away time, the grandparents benefit by doting on their grandbabies, and the children benefit by learning to adapt to different rules and routines AND by being "spoiled" by the grandparents. I was seriously wound up about these things and it has taken me over a decade to chill, but I am so much happier turning them over and letting them have their own relationships on their own terms.

If you feel very strongly about them not attending church, then it's not fair to ask the grandparents to modify their routine. Which means weekends will be a challenge.

I totally get that when you choose to parent conscientiously it's hard to let go, but in the end I have found life is better when you do.

Hugs,
Gina--mom to 12, 9, and 6 year old boys

Gina Gerboth, CPM, IBCLC, MOM
Pueblo, Colorado
ginapueblo is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off