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Old 03-10-2010, 07:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just saw the thread on Moms of Onlies or spaced far apart...great discussion point! And it made me brave enough to ask a question I've been wondering...

For those who had a many close together or quickly, why?

DH and I have been baby crazy since DD was born and once my cycles straightened out we TTC and won the lottery. But lately as my tummy makes it easy to tell I'm preggers, I've been getting the comments.... you know "ah, the broken condom oopsie!" or "now you've made your bed, have fun with that!"

So 'fess up...is it just true that most closely spaced babies are oopsies, or is this just another way to make every parent, no matter family size or design, to feel hurt. lol

Mama to expecting Babe 2
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Old 03-10-2010, 07:50 PM
 
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We are going to have two that are 18 months apart and, for us, is was an oops. A big one.

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Old 03-10-2010, 08:04 PM
 
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to both you ladies. Dh and I were actually wanting to win the "baby lottery," too, and have our babies pretty close together. But the luck we "drew," was that we now have 2 girls almost 5 years apart. Which has actually worked out quite well for our unique family.

It's kind of funny, because people probably look at our spacing and assume we "planned" it that way, whereas they (rudely) look at your spacing and assume you didn't or that your plans were thwarted. It makes me angry when people make such hateful comments about a human being.

I'm very happy for you, claddaghmom and liberal_chick! Really, there are benefits to both your situations and mine. One of your benefits is that, as your babies get a little older, both of them will have a built-in playmate!

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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Old 03-10-2010, 08:04 PM
 
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Our two will be 22 months apart and it was very planned. If we would have been successful in TTC right away they would have been even closer together. I wanted it that way. My siblings and I are that close together and I always loved it growing up.

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Old 03-10-2010, 08:19 PM
 
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I have three boys (5, 3 and 1) - the first two are 21 months apart, the second are 27 months apart. They were all planned. I actually wanted #2 and #3 closer together, but it took longer to get pregnant.

As for the "oopsies" comments - I think people just say inappropriate things all the time. So, if we are mothers of one child we are raising spoiled brats and if we have kids close together we must have made a mistake or else we're crazy? We can't win! I guess we're all supposed to have two kids, spaced 3 or4 years apart (and it better be a boy and a girl or else we'll get gender comments!) - maybe that would be met with approval?

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Old 03-10-2010, 08:26 PM
 
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Our DD's are 16 mo apart, and they were BOTH oopsies! Did I think I would survive being pregnant and nursing for pretty much 3 yrs straight? no (hello, is this MY body or am I just a landlord?) Do sometimes I think that having 2 girls this close in age is going to be a nightmare, say teen years? Yes!

But oopsies or not I never really got rude comments. I think the one that I heard the most was "Dont you know what causes that?" and my response usually was "Nope, still trying to figure it out" It kind of was funny, of course some people may have been trying to be ugly by saying it, but my response usually shut them down. I always laughed, because I pretty much put people on IGNORE when they start spewing their unwanted opinions my way.

I am baffled that pregnancy and parenthood literally bring people out of the woodwork with their thoughts and opinions. Out of all the surprises with being a mom, annoying people and their annoying opinions, surprises me the most, still

WOH Wife to Steve 3/31/07 ; Mama to Sophia Margaret 9/26/07; and Ava Grace 2/5/09
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Old 03-10-2010, 08:27 PM
 
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My younger 2 are 12.5months apart - PLANNED though I didn't think it's happen that quickly.lol

I had surgery when my middle one (then the youngest) was 3months old, got AF the next day & 2 weeks later I was pg. I had finished bf'ing the day before my surgery & did not think anything would regulate as it did, I'd been getting AF every 2-3 weeks since she was 6weeks old.

We wanted our last 2 kids close together simply to get the baby stuff out of the way.lol

My older 2 are 2 years 4 months apart, though I had 2 mc's between them.

My body does not like me being pg. My dr had no problems when I told him(still pg with my middle one) that we were planning on TTC ASAP, after my gallbladder came out. I was not doing another pg with that thing in me.

I didn't care if people commented on how close they were. The only one that bugged me was the nurse commenting that I didn't listen to dr's orders(you know, not having sex for 6 weeks). It bugged me because she can't count.lol

Those 2 are almost 9(next week) and almost 8. They often get asked if they're twins, people buy them the same clothes(not always in different colours), same toys, have good chances of ending up in the same class(though different grades) and every other year end up in some of the same extracurricular activities(which makes my life easier) due to the ages they are those years.
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Old 03-10-2010, 09:22 PM
 
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I'm pregnant with #3, and all of mine are 23 months apart. If all goes well, we'll have #4 when #3 is 23 months old (and then be done).

I have a brother 14 months younger than me, and I always liked it. Dh is one of 4 children, but there is a 10 year gap between #3 and #4 (him). He always hated that big gap and being the de facto only child. So, for us, it's planned, and we're happy with the spacing (though grocery shopping is a bit nutty at times! )
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Old 03-10-2010, 10:27 PM
 
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My three very closely spaced children were definitely planned that way. My first was 1 year, 1 month, 21 days when #2 was born (#2 was 26 days late) and #2 was 1 year, 6 months, 18 days when #3 was born (and she was 28 days early!) I never wanted/planned such a large space between #3 and #4 and I even found 2 years, 1 month, 10 days too much space between #4 and #5. Now that I'm a single parent I'm probably done with babies but would have more and have them close together if I had the choice.

No matter how many kids you have, what spacing or what gender, people say stupid and ignorant things. They just do!

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Old 03-10-2010, 11:14 PM
 
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My daughter and the one I'm pregnant with will be just under a year apart.

Melissa Wife To James & Mama to Christopher Michael- 6/03 ,Ella Cheyenne- 10/09 & Xander Ryan James- 9/10 :
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:51 PM
 
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Glad my thread could promote such great conversations


Quote:
Originally Posted by berry987 View Post
I have three boys (5, 3 and 1) - the first two are 21 months apart, the second are 27 months apart. They were all planned. I actually wanted #2 and #3 closer together, but it took longer to get pregnant.

As for the "oopsies" comments - I think people just say inappropriate things all the time. So, if we are mothers of one child we are raising spoiled brats and if we have kids close together we must have made a mistake or else we're crazy? We can't win! I guess we're all supposed to have two kids, spaced 3 or4 years apart (and it better be a boy and a girl or else we'll get gender comments!) - maybe that would be met with approval?
That's about it. No matter what you do, if it's not a boy and a girl spaced about 2 years apart, you're wrong and your children will suffer for it.

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Old 03-11-2010, 12:06 AM
 
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Ours are 22 months apart, and this was intentional. Actually we were trying to have them a little closer than that, but it worked out well. For us the reason was simple. I was 33 when DS was born, 35 when dd was born and we didn't know when we got pg with dd if we were finished yet or not. We had actually planned on 3, but #2 pregnancy wasn't kind all around and decided we were happy with only 2. As we were considering up to 4 and I really didn't want to be pregnant when I was 40 (personal preference), we didn't have a lot of time to waste!
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Old 03-11-2010, 12:12 AM
 
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Mine are 20 months apart, and were planned that way because our spacing had to be worked around deployment. We anticipated having some time together as a family of 4 before he left (at least 6 months). We found out the plan would be changing (as it always does) when I was about 20 weeks pregnant and I've ended up raising both of them alone during her first year, but we've made it work. I would not do this again if I had any shadow of a doubt that I would not have someone to co-parent with at least for the first year, so I'll wait as long as it takes for my DH to be present for everything before we plan for #3. In theory it would be nice to have #2 and #3 close together but I mentally and physically cannot handle doing this again.

I didn't get any comments about them being so close, people know I'm in my mid-20's so I've heard "Just keep popping out babies!" more than once But I do hear the boy and girl comments. DH gets the "Now you can stop having kids!" comment. As if that's anyone's business, he just tells them that it's up to his wife

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Old 03-11-2010, 12:17 AM
 
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My boys are exactly 18 months apart and #3 will be 24 months younger than DS2.
All were perfectly planned

For me, I like to do things in stages. I'm just like that, I latch on to something and obsess. So it suits me to have them all at a similar stage, and then we'll move on to the next stage. I haven't had too many negative comments, and I have to say I actually REALLY appreciate the positive comments. Generally if a stranger asks how close in age my boys are, they relate with how close their children are and how much they loved it. Even today someone was telling me what hard work it is to have them so close, but how she found it very rewarding and her kids are still close now that they are grown.

In a way I also find it easier because they play with all the same toys, they wear a lot of the same clothes, they can do a lot of the same activities, they eat a lot of the same foods. Plus they've just always known about sharing and having to consider other people in life - not just themselves. That's a hard lesson for little kids!

If I had my way, I'd have them spaced even closer, but I can't get pregnant while nursing so it's a decision I have to make - wean or wait to TTC.

DH and I - totally winging life with our four children, DS1 (6.5yrs), DS2 (5yrs), DD (3yrs) and DS3 (1)!

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Old 03-11-2010, 01:28 AM
 
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fab thread!
really enjoyed reading them.
Mine are 20 months apart, boy girl(though never minded, indeed we thought Natasha was a boy at the 20 week), always wanted 2 always wanted them close....love it.
I got pregnant with my second as soon as we made the decision, and we have 2 children who are in love with each other's every move, get frustrated when separated for any length, and share for the most part very well (though not always with friends!!)

I get "are they twins?" which is wierd as they're REALLY not alike in shape or size! and the moderately hurtful one "I'll bet you'd not have them that close if you had a second chance" or "rather you than me" at which point I get snippy and say, "yep, me, too!"

The only times I find hard are the 'new phases' that aren't so nice, and as we don't have grandparents anywhere near, or a support network to call on like you do an extended family, I find myself getting tired and snippy sometimes. I guess though I'm not alone in that!

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Old 03-11-2010, 01:41 AM
 
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My kids are 19 months apart, and we planned it that way. We actually wanted them a bit closer together, but couldn't manage it.

My brother and I are 19 months apart; DH and his sister are 5 years apart. When we were thinking the time was right to start a family, we talked a lot about how our age differences affected our sibling relationships, and decided that for our kids we wanted them close together. We haven't had any nasty comments at all about their ages, maybe because we spent far too much time in advance declaring our family plan? And now that they are 4 and 5 years old, they are able to play together and interact in a way that makes it seem a wiser decision to rush one right after the other.
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Old 03-11-2010, 01:44 AM
 
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We have 4 little ones 7,5,3,1. They are 21,23, and 25 months apart. Each one of them were very much planned.

The comments people have made to you, OP, are just plain rude. Just as rude as people saying to us, "don't you know what causes that".

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Old 03-11-2010, 02:03 AM
 
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I'm guessing 2 years is considered close together (I have four, each 23-25 months apart). They were all planned, wanted, and we were TTC.

For me, one thing was the strong urge for another baby by the first birthday - another is wanting my kids to be closer in age just b/c it seemed ideal at the time, I guess. And actually, now at 3, 5, 7, and 9 -- it has worked out well. They all play together. Sure, they have their moments, but they have similar interests and can certainly entertain one another for long periods of time. The oldest two are in the same class (a 6-9 Montessori room), and beg to sleep together at night even though they have their own rooms. The middle two play a lot together, and the younger two, do, too. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's cu-razy in my house. But it's a fun chaos, I guess. Loud, busy, wild kiddos - but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Having a toddler and newborn, for me, wasn't bad at all. It helps that all four of my babies were very calm and easy going (so, no high needs here). Crying was rare; I could put them down, they nursed back to sleep easily at night, never knew when they were teething, etc.

I would love to have #5 - and it looks like if it ever happens I will for the first time have a big age gap (4 years)... but we have been trying for a long time, so it's not intentional to have such a large spacing -- but, I can definitely see that there will be benefits this way.

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Old 03-11-2010, 02:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Glad my thread could promote such great conversations




That's about it. No matter what you do, if it's not a boy and a girl spaced about 2 years apart, you're wrong and your children will suffer for it.
In my circles, it seems that 3 years is the fad now! Apparently if it's any less than 3 years, you're robbing the children and they will be psychologically traumatized.

It's a darned if you do, darned if you don't environment for sure! I remember oodles of horribly rude comments growing up (directed at my mom and dad). But then I have a very clear memory of my childhood friend bawling b/c she thought she had somehow "broken" her mommy and that's why she was an only child. I wish I could have said something back then. I like to tell moms of onelies that Jesus was an only child. Maybe I'm trying to say what I couldn't say as a kid.

People are so rude!

Mama to expecting Babe 2
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Old 03-11-2010, 03:40 AM
 
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OP, you didn't say how old your dd is, so idk what you consider "close". Ours will be 24 months apart & that seems to be an acceptable space. No negative comments. Seems to me that you are expected to have 2 kids 2-3 years apart. You can toss in a third at 2+ years also, but you'd better not wait "too long" for that third (it will be an assumed "oops"), nor should you ever try for more than three. UNLESS you have had a "large gap" (5+ years) between 2 & 3, and THEN it is okay to have a fourth so that #3 will also have a sibling close in age. Definitely do not have three of the same sex in a row & then have a fourth of the opposite sex or people will assume that you "kept on trying" to get that other sex (whether or not it is true). If your first two are less than 2 years apart, do not try and have more kids, you obviously have learned nothing. If you stop after one kid, you obviously hate kids & probably only had that one b/c it was "the next step". I should really create a flow chart

Anyway, like I said, I feel that our spacing is pretty normal. There are tons and tons of siblings who are 2 years apart, nothing new or special over here Jesus also was not widely believed to be their only child, just their first born, although it is a nice thought

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Old 03-11-2010, 03:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OP, you didn't say how old your dd is, so idk what you consider "close". Ours will be 24 months apart & that seems to be an acceptable space. No negative comments. Seems to me that you are expected to have 2 kids 2-3 years apart. You can toss in a third at 2+ years also, but you'd better not wait "too long" for that third (it will be an assumed "oops"), nor should you ever try for more than three. UNLESS you have had a "large gap" (5+ years) between 2 & 3, and THEN it is okay to have a fourth so that #3 will also have a sibling close in age. Definitely do not have three of the same sex in a row & then have a fourth of the opposite sex or people will assume that you "kept on trying" to get that other sex (whether or not it is true). If your first two are less than 2 years apart, do not try and have more kids, you obviously have learned nothing. If you stop after one kid, you obviously hate kids & probably only had that one b/c it was "the next step". I should really create a flow chart

Anyway, like I said, I feel that our spacing is pretty normal. There are tons and tons of siblings who are 2 years apart, nothing new or special over here Jesus also was not widely believed to be their only child, just their first born, although it is a nice thought
LOL That should be a flow chart!

DD will be 23 months when the baby is born. So in my mind, not a bad age. My only concern is nursing and I'm willing to stay the course and also tandem nurse. Keeping my fingers crossed on supply.

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Old 03-11-2010, 04:05 AM
 
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Oh, yeah, I think 23 months apart is totally normal! Obviously

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Old 03-11-2010, 04:48 AM
 
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My first two were totally planned and 20 months apart - we wanted them 18 months apart but took longer to get preg. My third is our miracle baby - conceived on day 27 of a normal 29 day cycle and she implanted as I was bleeding heavily for two weeks (no explanation was ever found). She's the best surprise I ever got. She and ds2 are 14 months and 1 day apart.

I am sick of the "boy you sure have your hands full!" comments (My kids are now 3, 18 mo, and 4 mo). Uh, really?

I did overhear the guy behind me in line at Starbucks remark to his companion about my kids "you do the crime you do the time!" after she had said something lovely like "what beautiful children" or somesuch. I wish I had told him off but I have a hard time contravening social norms...I'm working on that

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Old 03-11-2010, 06:05 AM
 
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DD and DS2 and 19 mos apart, planned and would have been closer but it took me a couple of cycles! The next one was 28 mos after that. Planned,all.

I had a coworker who, when I announced I was pregnant, her mouth hung open and with a horrified look she shrieked, "AGAIN?" I have never wanted to punch anyone so much.

I can't believe people make these comments in front of the children. Yes, even if they were oopsies, I wouldn't want to talk about the as if they were mistakes, right in front of them!!

People are idiots. When I had one (there was 11 years between number one and number two) I got all the comments about when would I have another and how spoiled he would be.

Since I had a boy and a girl, no one could understand why we had a third, but since ds1 isn't dh's they assumed he wanted his OWN boy. He got asked so many times when I was pg with dd if he was dispointed(that she was a girl, my own brother comment that dh must not be man enough to make a boy) that he wanted to punch people! Then when the third was a boy so that dh got "HIS" boy, they were even more horrified about number four. My mother said when I was pg with number three "I want another girl, but I hope (your dh) gets his boy so you can be done" and she repeated that, no matter how many times I told her, "we are having one more no matter which gender this one is".

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Old 03-11-2010, 12:14 PM
 
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Mine came as twins, so I had no say in the matter.

Twin boys (2/05) and little sister (10/07)
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Old 03-11-2010, 03:57 PM
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Ditto below. I have two kids 18 months apart. 100% planned.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tizzy View Post
I haven't had too many negative comments, and I have to say I actually REALLY appreciate the positive comments. Generally if a stranger asks how close in age my boys are, they relate with how close their children are and how much they loved it. Even today someone was telling me what hard work it is to have them so close, but how she found it very rewarding and her kids are still close now that they are grown.

In a way I also find it easier because they play with all the same toys, they wear a lot of the same clothes, they can do a lot of the same activities, they eat a lot of the same foods. Plus they've just always known about sharing and having to consider other people in life - not just themselves. That's a hard lesson for little kids!
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Old 03-11-2010, 07:57 PM
 
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Our two will be 28 months apart, and they were *planned* that way. The planning was basically that we knew we wanted kids close together, so we just didn't use birth control after DS was born. I was bfing long enough to put some natural spacing in, and we had one miscarriage, so we actually are having LO#2 a little later than we otherwise would have, but it's fine. Probably better for us.

I come from a family where kids were five years+ apart, and while there are benefits for the parents, I always felt like I would have been better served by not being the center of attention for so long before my sister came along. I think no matter what age your older children are, having a new baby is disruptive and takes the attention away; I was five and REALLY felt it. I also think there is a benefit in teaching children that they are not the center of the universe, something that seems to me infinitely easier to learn at a younger age than later.

But philosophy aside, I'm also in my thirties, and I didn't want to wait too long, so it was either one child or two close together. And we wanted two. That's it!
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Old 03-11-2010, 08:11 PM
 
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I have four girls 7 and under and I'm pg with number five. DD4 was unplanned (so was DD1, which is a whole other story...) but the rest were. I think people just roll their eyes at us now. We're like the kid equivalents of crazy cat ladies.

When I watch them play I'm glad they're so close together. Just not thinking too hard about the teenage years yet...

Annie '02, Juliet '04, Natalie '07, Maggie '08, Theodore 11/8/10.
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Old 03-11-2010, 08:22 PM
 
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Can those of you with, like, 18 month age gaps tell me how things went when the baby arrived? Especially if the older child was high needs. That is what freaks me out more than anything. I can remember being so tired when ds2 was an itty bitty that I couldn't even drive ds1 to preschool. I'd sleep until at least noon everyday! I am really nervous about having one that is still so needy and a new baby. Ds1 could kind of fend for himself when I was out of it, but ds2 won't be able to do that.

Wife to an amazing man love.gif, mommy to 3 wild dudes: ds1 (5/23/05 @ 30 weeks), ds2 (3/5/09) hbac.gif, and ds3 (9/26/10) hbac.gif. Part time librarianread.gif, full time mommysupermod.gif, occasional chef and maid.

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Old 03-12-2010, 01:17 AM
 
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My two are 10 months apart. My midwife said while I was still recovering from my first labor, with DH in the room, that we didn't have to wait for sex, just do it whenever I felt up to it. I believed the lies they said about not being able to get pregnant when nursing round-the-clock, two weeks or so after delivery. To be fair, we weren't *trying* to be uncareful. We had always used withdrawal as birth control (very effectively I may add) but uh, while I was pregnant that wasn't necessary. So DH forgot that he had to pay attention. Oh well, we figured, next time we'd be more careful. Except, that one time was all it took.

My older child was not only high needs but special needs. I can't say it's been easy. I did not get to enjoy either of their babyhoods. And I was and am totally spent and exhausted all day, every day. But we have survived and now when my older one is turning 3, I am even getting baby lust for a third. I know, I'm crazy.

ETA: I agree that it's great as far as developmental stuff goes. They wear one another's clothing (they're the same size) and they entertain each other well (when they're not wrestling or beating each other up). My younger is slightly ahead and my older is slightly behind so mentally they're pretty much at the same age. Physically though my son (older) is better with physical skills so my daughter gets left behind a little bit but not much. The worst is the jealousy, they both need mama sometimes and fight over who gets to sit in my lap, and sometimes it was like triage when they were younger and both were crying, I couldn't physically meet both their needs at the same time sometimes. But honestly it's fun to have them a similar age. We also plan on homeschooling so it will help that we can put them in the same "grade" if you will. The sleep is the hardest though, I am so sleep deprived (both are cruddy sleepers) and they totally gang up on me now that they are a bit more defiant toddlers. When one is behaving the other will act up and the other will then copy, so they get into WAY more trouble that they have two little brains to think up ways to destroy the house etc. And going on outings is hard because they run in separate directions when it's time to go - carrying one tantrumming toddler to the car is hard but two tantrumming toddlers is that much harder. And if one starts the other one WILL start just because, even without knowing the reason. But then they will kiss each other or hug each other or share something, or share a laugh even at some private joke, and I'm really glad they have each other.

mama of DS(3) & DD(2)
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