do people ever infer you spend too much time online for a parent? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 20 Old 03-15-2010, 08:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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stay at home parents, or not, or on the weekends or in the evenings.......

how do you deal with this?

a few times over the years an online friend or family member will ? me about it and wonder what the kids are doing while i'm surfing. it's a sore spot. i've certainly had times where my internet usage felt out of control, but i feel mostly ok about how i handle it overall -- yet they have a way of making me feel very insecure and defensive about it.

me and the internet are connected at the hip, we just are. i'm a sahm in the country and without it i'd get way less learning and adult communication. i know a lot of you are in a similar boat.

mostly i just smile and say, "i sure do love my computer" and try to change the subject.

how do you handle this? i hate feeling like i have to prove myself.
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#2 of 20 Old 03-15-2010, 09:13 PM
 
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my husband
he works in construction and doesnt even have email - he hates the computer . But when he wants o hang with hos buddies he does it IRL snce they are mostly all single and just hang about - my friends are moms so theyre on line . I have times when I feel burnt out and devide my time between the kids and the comp and times when Im hardly on it cuz Im doing chures around the house .
I too get defensive cuz its my life line to the outside world alot and Id be lonely with out it . But I also learn so much I feel like it makes me a better mom and person all we can do is our best

Shannon : married to my love Colin Mother to Maggie-Ray(5-06)high needs Rock star and CJ(4-08) Sweet Distruction:Vegitarian BFing BWing CDing Vax reserching Viniger loving Family
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#3 of 20 Old 03-15-2010, 09:48 PM
 
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How do these people know how much time you spend online anyway?

If it's an online friend and they notice that you are on as much as they are, then I would have to fight the urge to laugh.

If they're stalking you or monitoring you somehow, I think I would probably ask them if they're stalkerish much and leave it at that.

If it's not interfering with your kids or partner or domestic life, they can go pound sand. You could ask them why they're bored so much that they're bugging you about it.
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#4 of 20 Old 03-15-2010, 09:51 PM
 
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Yes. And the sad thing is that I know they are right.

I have gotten so much out of my online time but I will be the first (ok, maybe second) to admit that I am on too often when I should be out enjoying the day.
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#5 of 20 Old 03-15-2010, 10:37 PM
 
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I know I spend too much time online. But I would be annoyed if anyone said so to me
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#6 of 20 Old 03-15-2010, 11:01 PM
 
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I think people have implied this before in conversation but most of the time it's said tactfully. "You're usually really connected..."

I DO spend a lot of time on the internet. I think people imagine me sitting here naked, eating chocolate bars and letting my son just do whatever. Usually I'm sporadically checking the computer. Nap time is my quiet time as well. I am lucky though that Cain takes 2-4 hours naps still. So I get a lot of computer time in if I want or read.

Now and then someone says something. I'm not usually offended because typically THEY also spend just as much if not more time online. It does upset me when people infer that it takes precedence over parenting or spending time with Cain.

...Now I DO spend time online when I should be cleaning the apartment. Ha.

Our friends are all childless and the ones that have children all work. I have zero stay at home mom friends and no play groups that I fit with. The internet does give me a nice social relief and support when I truly need it and cannot find it anywhere else.
We'll be moving back to the country soon so it will definitely play a part in our daily life then as well.

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Mama to DS [05/21/08] & DD [09/16/10] 43 weeks 1 day!
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#7 of 20 Old 03-16-2010, 12:05 AM
 
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I posted something from Farmville and a friend replied that I had too much time on my hands and therefore should be her kids' nanny. I told her that would be great if I could put her kids on pause and step away while I dealt with my own child.
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#8 of 20 Old 03-16-2010, 12:23 AM
 
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I run my buisness from the computer, am taking 4 college classes, store all of ds's pictures, write a homeschool blog, and it is my only source of communication with people outside my family. So yeah I spend a lot of time online, but its always when ds is asleep (like now), or actibly engaged in something else. And he comes first, so if he needs something, I stop what Im doing and take care of it! My computer is always on, but Im off and on all day, not sitting there for hours at a time doing nothing else.
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#9 of 20 Old 03-16-2010, 01:54 AM
 
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Well, my baby is pretty clingy so I'm stuck on the couch holding him all day. Surfing the internet is the only thing I can do one-handed. So, I can be on the internet all day or stare at the wall.

(I write this with my laptop on the couch to my left, baby in left arm, leaned over and typing with just my right hand. )

Formerly known as "JessicaRenee".  hang.gif  Single mama to Jude (Sept '09)!  biggrinbounce.gif

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#10 of 20 Old 03-16-2010, 09:52 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Sarah~ View Post
I posted something from Farmville and a friend replied that I had too much time on my hands and therefore should be her kids' nanny. I told her that would be great if I could put her kids on pause and step away while I dealt with my own child.
Good for you!!

Mama to A 8/05 and S 11/06
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#11 of 20 Old 03-16-2010, 11:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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it's nice to read everyone's replies

more and more we are becoming a computer-centric household

my computer is at the dining table where i can sit or stand. i'm in the kitchen or in and out of the backyard a lot when i'm home and i multi-task with the computer involved, whether it's reading a blog post or a few threads on a message board.

i've been a voracious reader my entire life and i admit that the internet has been a replacement for that in my life. it's not very satisfying to me to read a book for 5 minutes, here and there, but the internet is perfect for it.

ironically, we are a tv-free home. but as i said, we live in the country. at times in the winter we have only one car, and we're on a very very tight budget.

if i had more gas and spending $, we'd go into town for outings and coffee shop visits, and i'd get a babysitter in the evenings more often. i feel like that's what people are inferring is wrong with my situation -- that i don't get out enough.

anyhow, this is all venting. it was sparked by a comment on another message board i post on, where i'm one of only a couple sahm's. it makes me feel silly how disconcerting something said by a total stranger can be
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#12 of 20 Old 03-16-2010, 02:47 PM
 
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I get that comment from my sister And my DP. So for awhile I thought I was bad and doing something naughty. Then I thought (and read ) about why I might be online so much and I came to the same conclusions as all of you. And I do admit that sometimes it takes over, but for the most part, I no longer feel bad about it. I don't need to justify myself! As long you are ok with your usage, I guess I'd just try to shrug it off. People have no business judging.

                                       DS 7 ~ DS 3

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#13 of 20 Old 03-16-2010, 03:22 PM
 
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The only thing that gets neglected by my being online is housework & who wants to do that anyway?? No one says anything to me b/c no one is w/ me 24-hrs a day. I do like to be on the comp way more than I should, but we also don't have a tv, so it's not like I can turn that on for mindless entertainment, either. We only have one car, so I can't just go anywhere any day. We do live in the city, but in an area that is wickedly underserved as far as busses & walkable places (not just playgrounds) are concerned. Anyway, I often feel that I spend too much time online, but it is mostly during dd's nap or after she goes to bed, so whatever I guess!

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#14 of 20 Old 03-16-2010, 04:04 PM
 
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I've gotten a few comments about my online time, too. Like Jessica, I have the set-up by my chair in the living room. I'm a SAHM with no car, and a newborn.

I tend to flip it around on the people who comment, "wow, you stepped away from the computer?!?" Since I spent a few hours a day looking at baby names, birthing methods, and even mindlessly tending an imaginary farm on facebook, I was able to be somewhat comfortable (and even stay pregnant!) for the last few weeks before DD2 was born. Nowadays, since DD2 likes to marathon nurse and I need a one-handed hobby, I may find myself online while she nurses, or sleeps-- or both. If I don't do that at my laptop by the armchair, then I have my iTouch and cuddle DD2 in the recliner with that-- the Kindle app and about a dozen classic novels (all free!) on there are my best friend!

Angie, proud Army wife to Dan, mom to Kat (4/00) and Gracie (11/09)!!
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#15 of 20 Old 03-16-2010, 04:42 PM
 
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my husband's the only person who has commented on my internet time, and it's tends to happen when the household stuff is being neglected

Since October, however, I've cut down on my online time to spending about 1 hour every 3-4 days because my youngest is now a toddler so she doesn't want to lay down and nurse anymore while I type (and she's much more willing to let me clean while she plays with her sisters).

All in all, I think it's fine to hang out on the computer as long as the kids are happy and the house isn't a disaster

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#16 of 20 Old 03-16-2010, 06:39 PM
 
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Nobody has said that to me but I might reply "Isn't it great that the kids always know where to find me!"

What's great about the computer is that it is very easy to stop to help dc, or to listen to dc. Much better than when trying to chat on the phone. I feel more available to my ds than when I try to do a craft project or cleaning. I find things to do with him using the computer. We make new friends and arrange playdates with the computer. Yay computers!

Mom to unschooling 4everboy since 8/01
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#17 of 20 Old 03-17-2010, 01:41 PM
 
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The glider is my computer chair. I nak, rock her to sleep while reading blogs, and (like right now) let her sleep on me if she's having a fussy day. Guess I could stare blankly at a wall instead?

Kelly (28), in love with husband Jason (38) and our awesome babies:  Emma 4/09, and Ozzy 8/10

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#18 of 20 Old 03-17-2010, 03:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by laughymama View Post

I DO spend a lot of time on the internet. I think people imagine me sitting here naked, eating chocolate bars and letting my son just do whatever. Usually I'm sporadically checking the computer. Nap time is my quiet time as well. I am lucky though that Cain takes 2-4 hours naps still. So I get a lot of computer time in if I want or read.

...Now I DO spend time online when I should be cleaning the apartment. Ha.

Our friends are all childless and the ones that have children all work. I have zero stay at home mom friends and no play groups that I fit with. The internet does give me a nice social relief and support when I truly need it and cannot find it anywhere else.
We'll be moving back to the country soon so it will definitely play a part in our daily life then as well.
This!


All of my friends live in my computer. My DS is happy to play by himself. We live in an apartment so it's not like he's out of my sight during the day. AND I get my chores done just fine thank you.

My MIL has said that she thinks DH and I are "addicted" to the computer...she doesn't take into account that we don't have cable and our TV is in the closet. It's funny because when we go visit their TV is running all.day.long even when there's nothing on...and yet everyone sits and stares at it. And we're addicted...?

Kas (24), Helpmeet to Stefan (25), Mom to Franklin Gaudelio 4/15/09, Jonathan Boswell 1/2/11
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#19 of 20 Old 03-17-2010, 04:04 PM
 
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I would be the first to admit that it is probably too much time. I think there are a lot of excuses in this thread--I know it is an outlet to a certain extent, but I think it is easy to slip down the road of using it as a crutch rather than seeking out real life human interaction.

For example, I see a lot of people bemoan that they don't have time for xyz--housework, exercise, you name it. But replace that with total screen time (television AND computer), how much extra time would you get if you eliminated or limited your screen time? Probably a lot more than you would think.
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#20 of 20 Old 03-17-2010, 04:12 PM
 
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Yeah, it's my housework that suffers, not my kids. And like others have said, all my friends live in my computer. Up until recently, it was my only connection to other adults besides my husband. Walking around the grocery store while there are also other humans in there is not human interaction, yk? If you look at just about any self-help book or talk to just about any therapist, they will tell you that meaningful friendships with other adults you can connect with is important. If the internet is the only way I can get that, isn't that better than being lonely and staring at the walls all the time?
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