Drop in introduction to neighbor -- rude? (Update on p2) - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 06:04 AM
 
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I'm fairly sensitive to the etiquette of calling ahead before visiting, but you did exactly what I've done in the past - and what other parents have done with (to?) us. You handled it perfectly - a brief conversation to exchange information without a rude intrusion.

It's the intrusion that's a real problem if you don't call ahead. It causes an inconvenience by interrupting or embarrassment if the house is messy or they have no supplies on hand to entertain. You couldn't call ahead though, so you did exactly the right thing.
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#32 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 12:08 PM
 
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I don't really mind drop-in visits, in any case. But, even if I did, I agree with the rest of the posters. How on earth could you "announce" your visit if you didn't know their name or number? You did exactly the right thing, OP.

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#33 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 01:33 PM
 
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It's already clear just about all who posted think you did the right thing and what else could you have done anyway? I'm curious, did your friend tell you what she would have done instead, given the lack of contact info about the family?

And I think there's another thing that's really good about what you did: Ok, call me alarmist but I fear for the parent who is so afraid of going over unannounced (but doesn't have any other way of contacting the parent in this situation) so their either allow their kid to keep playing in the other kid's yard or they stop their kid from playing with that friend altogether.

I think both "good neighborly ways" and protection of our children makes it a NECESSITY that you go say hi and introduce yourself (and do a surface check of the neighbor) when our kids are spending time with someone we don't know. If you don't, but let your kid keep playing with the neighbor kid, you don't know a thing about the people whose property your child is on sometimes. What if you met them and they creeped you out and you decided she needed to not go there anymore? You wouldn't know that if you didn't go over. And if you stop the budding friendship, you may have just missed out on some nice, great neighbors and a convenient new friend for your child, all because you think just ringing the bell and saying a quick hi is too rude to risk.

Not only do I like what you did for all the other reasons listed by PPs, I also think it sends a good message to the neighbors "I know what my kid is doing and I care and will always look out for my kid. And I'm friendly!". That is a good message for people to know about you, even if you're not worried or suspicious of this particular family, it's just a good general thing for people to understand.
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#34 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 01:44 PM
 
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It's my business to know who my children are with.

Laura - Mom to ds (10) and dd (7) "Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life." Brian Andreas.

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#35 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 02:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's already clear just about all who posted think you did the right thing and what else could you have done anyway? I'm curious, did your friend tell you what she would have done instead, given the lack of contact info about the family?
She thought I should have sent a note (with the girl) inviting the mom to visit me at a set date/time. To me, that seemed like "summoning" someone to appear and that seemed worse -- especially since it would have been addressed to "X's Mom" and I wasn't even sure how to spell X's name (shy child with accent and an usual name).

Of course, I suspect what she would actually have done was nothing or perhaps diminished the friendship between the kids to avoid the issue. But then, we have very different "mothering styles".
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#36 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 02:21 PM
 
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Hmm, yes, I suppose "could you ask your mother to give me a call" would work. But that seems more suitable for a kid you always meet on the playground and have no idea where they live.
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#37 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 02:23 PM
 
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Not only do I like what you did for all the other reasons listed by PPs, I also think it sends a good message to the neighbors "I know what my kid is doing and I care and will always look out for my kid. And I'm friendly!". That is a good message for people to know about you, even if you're not worried or suspicious of this particular family, it's just a good general thing for people to understand.
I agree.

I live in a townhouse complex, and all the parents know each other, at least a little bit. Some of them are pretty good friends - others are "just" friendly. But, we all know each other, at least to say "hi" or knock on the door and say, "is my child here?".

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#38 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 02:25 PM
 
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She thought I should have sent a note (with the girl) inviting the mom to visit me at a set date/time. To me, that seemed like "summoning" someone to appear and that seemed worse -- especially since it would have been addressed to "X's Mom" and I wasn't even sure how to spell X's name (shy child with accent and an usual name).
I don't know if that seems exactly like "summoning" to me, but it does feel kind of...artificial, I guess. I wouldn't object to a note like that, but I'd find it very odd.

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#39 of 47 Old 04-15-2010, 01:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DD came home from playing with her friend yesterday to say that the mom had stopped her to say make sure she told me "thank you" for coming to introduce myself and how nice that was. And the mom changed the rules for her child playing inside our house (previously not allowed since they didn't know us). So now I feel really good about the whole thing.

Isn't silly how sometimes one friend's comments can send us into a tailspin?

Thanks for the validation everyone.
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#40 of 47 Old 04-15-2010, 02:05 PM
 
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It is not rude at all.
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#41 of 47 Old 04-15-2010, 02:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom View Post
DD came home from playing with her friend yesterday to say that the mom had stopped her to say make sure she told me "thank you" for coming to introduce myself and how nice that was. And the mom changed the rules for her child playing inside our house (previously not allowed since they didn't know us). So now I feel really good about the whole thing.

Well, it sounds like you got the answer that matters most in this specific situation! Your neighbor obviously thought it wasn't rude

 

 

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#42 of 47 Old 04-16-2010, 08:35 AM
 
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Aw i'm really glad reading your update! It's lovely to have good neighbours and to know them
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#43 of 47 Old 04-16-2010, 10:03 AM
 
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I don't care for unannounced visits, but that's just me. We are usually up to our elbows in something around here (small farm), so I don't have tons of extra time. I probably would have called to say that I'd love to meet face to face and say hello. Of course you need a phone number for that, and I'm not sure OP had that. I think I'm kind of old fashioned in that respect, but I was raised not to go somewhere uninvited, and I still carry that message around with me.
This is how I am as well. I also grew up on a farm, and we just didn't have the time for people to drop by during the day. Now, we had lots of folks during evenings and weekends who would come by and sit on the porch with us. You just didn't want people coming by while you needed to pick 10 rows of squash.

I work from home, which invites people (SAHMs) to drop by unannounced. It drives me bonkers. In the OP's case, sure, I'd say hi & exchange info. I just would be afraid that it would be an invitation for her to stop by anytime during the day. I have some people who do that, and navigating it is difficult. It's not that I don't enjoy their company, but I don't want it while I'm trying to work. I'm also an introvert, so I just don't *need* other people around. I'm fine with my thoughts, and I hate when I get interrupted.

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#44 of 47 Old 04-16-2010, 10:26 AM
 
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How is stopping by to say hi and introduce yourself rude? I don't get what your friend is talking about. Sure, if you had expected to come in or leave your daughter there or talk for a long time, I could see where that would be rude, but what you did was very polite, especially since you even had her kid give her a heads up.

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#45 of 47 Old 04-16-2010, 11:44 AM
 
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I think it is great you took the iniative to go meet the neighbor. More people should do that. I think that is what responsible parenting looks like. Maybe you will make a new friend!
We are lucky enough to live in a neighborhood where people stop by all the time without calling or without an invitation and we do the same. We all feel at home with our neighbors. I know that type of neighborhood is not for everyone, though.
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#46 of 47 Old 04-26-2010, 08:27 AM
 
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Not rude at all.Good move on your part. It is not like you invited yourself inside her home for hours on end.Now THAT would have been rude.
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#47 of 47 Old 04-26-2010, 11:26 AM
 
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Semaphore from your porch?
If someone semaphored at me from their porch I would insist that person be my friend

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