Husband encourages dangerous play - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-04-2010, 04:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
The fact is that none of those studies you cited say that the child will be injured, horribly or otherwise, from using this swing.
Of course none of them say that. I haven't seen any studies that say an infant will be injured if they ride in a car without a carseat, it just greatly increases the risk involved. I've seen plenty of people who drive around with their kids loose in the car, and I'm sure most of the time nothing happens, that doesn't make it safe. Sometimes kids who are properly strapped in a properly installed carseat are injured in car crashes, sometimes horribly, and some even die.

It's about looking at necessary risks versus easily preventable and unnecessary risks.

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Old 05-04-2010, 06:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by patricegonzales View Post
I also had a chance to talk this over with my counselor and found a couple other views:
I am over-protective and over-cautious. By not bending on this, DH may be trying to teach DD not to be filled with anxiety or fear about, well, life and play. DH father was very over-protective and extremely cautious in his life and this cost him a connection with his son as well as caused a lot of regret in his (DH fathers') later years. DH may be trying to not repeat this with his daughter. His laughing in my face and being dismissive of my feelings may be his way of trying to show me: "See, she did it, and shes ok, its ok, lifes ok, you are ok!!" It may be his way of trying to help me not repeat his childhood with our daughter.
His showing off by pushing his daughter harder (literally and figuratively) when people are around could be his way of proving to others (himself, really) that he is not his father.

Now that I think I know where the feelings are coming from I need to put them aside and evaluate if the swing is really a dangerous activity or not.....and the opinions seem to be pretty split here! lol
Your DH should not use your DD to work through his issues with his father. The swing over concrete is dangerous. Climbing bookcases? Completely ridiculous. Besides being dangerous if your DD ever decides to climb bookcases that aren't mounted to the wall, it's inappropriate behavior. Furniture and books ought not be treated that way. It might be age-appropriate if a young child gets it in her head to climb furniture, but I would be furious if my DH was encouraging it.

I'll say it again, your DH should not use your DD to work through his issues with his father. Find him a therapist.
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Old 05-04-2010, 07:10 PM
 
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It doesn't sound like this is a very safe activity right now (from what I'm imagining based on your description). I agree with possibly changing the type of seat to an SN type seat and I would also suggest getting to the bottom of your husband's defiance?!? I'm slightly appalled that he would just ignore your pain and reservations so blatently (WHILE putting your dd at risk of serious injury).

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Old 05-04-2010, 07:57 PM
 
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OK, call me a doubting Thomas but I find it really hard to believe she gets to 12 feet.

If the swing were already 6 feet off the ground? The laws of physics wouldn't let her get twice that height... If the swing were higher, he couldn't push her without a ladder.

So, I need more data.

lisa (mechanical engineer)
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Old 05-04-2010, 08:42 PM
 
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When one of us has a safety concern, we discuss that concern. If the person with the safety concern isn't convinced by the arguments of the one who thinks the activity is safe enough, then the safety concern "wins" and the child doesn't do the activity. We act conservatively when it comes to the safety of our children. Neither of us are over-protective parents at all. And, it's understood that with age and maturity, those "unsafe" activities will become more safe and no longer be off-limits. We try to keep communication about those things open.

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Old 05-05-2010, 12:49 PM
 
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OK, call me a doubting Thomas but I find it really hard to believe she gets to 12 feet.

If the swing were already 6 feet off the ground? The laws of physics wouldn't let her get twice that height... If the swing were higher, he couldn't push her without a ladder.

So, I need more data.

lisa (mechanical engineer)
The height a swing goes off the ground will depend on the length of the rope. So if you have a swing where the base of the swing is 2' off the ground, and the rope is 20' long, hypothetically if you pushed hard enough to get the rope parallel to the ground at the highest point, you'd be 22' off the ground. Potentially higher, because sometimes swings go higher than that.

When I broke both of my arms on the swingset, I was only about 6' off the ground on a mulch playground. I was in agonizing pain for a month. I compare it to the pain of my unmedicated childbirth of my 9.5 pound baby, although I feel like childbirth was less painful because at the end I got lots of endorphins and a snuggly baby rather than an itchy cast.

This is actually very much like circ, or other harms you need to protect your children from. I still can't fully straighten my left arm, and get aches in those joints when it rains. Your DD's physical integrity (and quite possibly her life) is at risk.

I'm all about compromise when necessary, but if it was me, I'd cut the swing down. Not worth losing my baby over.
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Old 05-05-2010, 03:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by patricegonzales View Post

3 different mothers in the neighborhood have commented about how high and crazy the swing is.
I think this is significant.
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Old 05-06-2010, 03:41 PM
 
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Your DH should not use your DD to work through his issues with his father. The swing over concrete is dangerous. Climbing bookcases? Completely ridiculous. Besides being dangerous if your DD ever decides to climb bookcases that aren't mounted to the wall, it's inappropriate behavior. Furniture and books ought not be treated that way. It might be age-appropriate if a young child gets it in her head to climb furniture, but I would be furious if my DH was encouraging it.

I'll say it again, your DH should not use your DD to work through his issues with his father. Find him a therapist.


My dad did similar stuff to me as a kid. He would encourage me to stick my hand inside a logs where poisonous spiders may have been. He would encourage me to dodangerous things near the river(I fell in once and being unable to swim he pulled me out before I was swept away). I don't think it sounds like your husband is that extreme, but I feel encouraging a child to do dangerous things in general, is abnormal. A father should want to protect their child and teach them to explore the world safely.
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Old 06-04-2010, 02:24 AM
 
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Wow - that does not seem remotely safe to me... just way too risky. Swinging like that over concrete if she ever fell it seems so likely it would cause a substantial injury. I would seriously be worried about a head or spine injury.

We have a small swing set & both my kids have fallen from the swings at some point. Neither was injured, other than minor bumps & bruises, but they have a soft surface below. Both my kids are reasonably cautious, hold on tight & are generally careful and know it would likely hurt to fall from the swing, but both still at some point let go of the ropes at the high point of swinging, something startled them, they got distracted, whatever... it's just something that can & does happen.

I really hope you will trust your gut here and that your husband is willing to work with you even if he doesn't agree. It's just not a safe set up. I know it depends on your yard, but it seems like a reasonable compromise to take that swing down & set up a new one over a soft surface elsewhere in the yard.
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Old 06-04-2010, 12:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by patricegonzales View Post

(It also swings out over the sidewalk toward the road=concrete) 3 different mothers in the neighborhood have commented about how high and crazy the swing is.
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Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama View Post
I think this is significant.
I agree. I think the situation is dangerous. Even if it's over grass, if the grass is heavily played on, the ground is still a hard surface.

I hope the reality of the situation is realized before your three year old daughter ends up in the ER with a compound fracture.

I too deal with a husband that just doesn't see the dangers. Once, when my little one was two, he climbed up on the lawn chair to look over the side of our dough boy pool. I was standing on the porch & yelled at DH to get him. He said, "Oh, he's fine. I got him!" No sooner had he said that did my baby fall head first to the bottom of the pool. DH scooped him out, but I was absolutely livid. I still can't get that picture out of my head.

Trust your Mama instincts. We have them for a reason. I strongly feel your hubby is out of line. (((Hugs))

 

  

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Old 06-05-2010, 01:44 AM
 
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I'm also going to chime in and agree with the OP that this sounds crazy.

I have pushed many, many 3 yos in swings. And many times they have gotten distracted and let go mid-swing. My dh used to push our kids as high as our swingset would allow, which is probably about 8-10 feet, until my ds1, who was 4.5 at the time, let go mid-air. Luckily, he was just very bruised and scratched, and dh stopped doing it.

Maybe you can look at your dynamic of being overly cautious, attempt to be more trusting of your dh, honor his need to be less protective than his own father, and then tell him that you are not going to budge on the swing, and that you're ready to cut it down.

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Old 06-05-2010, 06:31 AM
 
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I would not be able to handle seeing my dh do that. And I am the less cautious one here. But that is way out of my comfort zone.

It's funny that your dh has reacted to his father's over-protectiveness this way. My dh had a super-over protective mother and has become super-over protective himself. It really makes me crazy sometimes, but maybe I should count my blessings. At least I have no fears that the kids will get hurt with him.

I vote for cutting the swing down.

Jayne, sewing up a storm mama to ds1 9/03, ds2 2/09, and 2 sweet furbabies.

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Old 06-06-2010, 03:25 AM
 
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Okay so I thought long and hard about posting this, because it is sensitive subject matter....but if it helps then I want to put it out there...

Not long ago, my 35 year old friend fell out of his second story window onto the concrete sidewalk below, fell 18 feet, trying to shut his stuck window, and died on the scene from his injuries. His name was Gregory Denisowski and you can google him to show your dh the story...a 12 foot fall is not that different from an 18 foot fall, IMO)

Hope you guys can come to a compromise on this. I dont think you are being overprotective on this one. Yes, children fall and get hurt, but a 12 foot fall can result in much BIGGER injuries than just a few stitches.

So sorry of I alarmed you. I just want to tell you my experience....

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Old 06-06-2010, 11:32 AM
 
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Any updates, OP?
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Old 06-06-2010, 05:15 PM
 
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Okay so I thought long and hard about posting this, because it is sensitive subject matter....but if it helps then I want to put it out there...

Not long ago, my 35 year old friend fell out of his second story window onto the concrete sidewalk below, fell 18 feet, trying to shut his stuck window, and died on the scene from his injuries. His name was Gregory Denisowski and you can google him to show your dh the story...a 12 foot fall is not that different from an 18 foot fall, IMO)

Hope you guys can come to a compromise on this. I dont think you are being overprotective on this one. Yes, children fall and get hurt, but a 12 foot fall can result in much BIGGER injuries than just a few stitches.

So sorry of I alarmed you. I just want to tell you my experience....
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Old 06-06-2010, 05:20 PM
 
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I watched my friend fly off the swing and land face-first on the concrete when we were 4. She broke her nose. My parents took down the swing the next day. I guess it made me a little skittish because I would not be ok with what your husband is doing. It would be different if the swing were completely surrounded by grass or other relatively soft ground. Concrete or pavement in conjunction with a swing scares the crap out of me.

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Old 06-06-2010, 05:37 PM
 
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IF he took it too far and IF she hurt herself that lesson is going to be way better for both of them than you just talking about it, no?
Haven't read the rest of the posts - but from what the OP said, if she falls 12-15 feet with force and momentum over CONCRETE she's going to be dead. What kind of a lesson is that, and how in the world would that make it worth it??
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Old 06-07-2010, 01:14 PM
 
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Haven't read the rest of the posts - but from what the OP said, if she falls 12-15 feet with force and momentum over CONCRETE she's going to be dead. What kind of a lesson is that, and how in the world would that make it worth it??
Exactly.
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Old 06-07-2010, 04:37 PM
 
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I consider myself to be pretty laid back and am all for letting kids be kids. However, we as adults have the benefits of knowledge and life experience to help us assess risk. Young children do not so we have to intervene sometimes. There are plenty of other ways for Daddy to have fun with his daughter without risking a head injury.

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I don't think that just because the kid likes it means it's okay for her. I'm wagering that if she's never been severly injured before, she doesn't know what could happen if she fell. She's 3! So I don't know about her "knowing her own limits", etc.

Pushing her on a swing is fine. Pushing a 3-yr-old so high that if she fell onto the concrete, serious damage would happen = not okay. It's too much. Just because he's her father does not mean he's exercising good judgement!

I find it concerning that he's not listening to you, OP, if he knows this is important to you.
Especially the bolded.

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Originally Posted by newbymom05 View Post
Based on the OP's original post, to me the DH's behavior seems almost passive-aggressive. She's reasoned, she's argued, she's CRIED? and he still does it? Repeatedly? In front of her? That's not right. My DH and I have frequent disagreements about safety and our 2 boys, but neither of us would ever continue to do anything that would make the other uncomfortable, let alone make them cry.

And FTR, in my relationship I'm the "unsafe" one, and I think the OP's situation seems unsafe for a 3 y/o. No one ever plans to have an accident, that's why they're called accidents.
Exactly. Obviously a fall wouldn't be intentional but it is a possibility. The concrete part really seals the deal but a fall on grass from that height could also likely result in serious head injury. The fact that the end result would be catastrophic and not "just a broken bone" is what makes it an unreasonable risk to take.


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Originally Posted by momo7 View Post
That's really all that matters.

Trust your husband. He loves his daughter too. Trust your daughter. She really does know her limits.
I'm so over the idea that a child at this age "knows her limits". She's three. She has absolutely no idea of what the consequences could be if she fell. She just knows that it is fun and exhilarating. She certainly does not have the ability to predict the consequences of a fall from such a height. It isn't about whether she is scared or not or if daddy loves her or not. It is up to her parents to determine what is safe for her. At this point, I question her father's judgment if he thinks this is safe.

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Well on the flip side, the OP is completely disregarding her dh's feelings. If my dh destroyed something that I enjoyed doing with my child like you suggested, there would be hell to pay.

That swing sounds awesome. As long as the rope is not frayed (or is replaced if it is frayed), then I think the OP needs to let it go.
Why does it only matter if the rope is frayed? Because the swing could break resulting in injury? The little girl could easily slip and fall and the results would be the same.
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Old 06-07-2010, 07:42 PM
 
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This thread is over a month old and the OP hasn't been back lately, so I don't know if she still is reading it.
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