What if you don't like being a mother and/or parent? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 45 Old 03-11-2004, 06:31 PM
 
Peppermint's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: work-in-progress
Posts: 5,288
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
ITA with Darshani- exercise has been a huge help to me as of late as well.

I do hope you and your dh can work this out, it does seem that he is your main problem, and that is just so sad, b/c he should be helping you through, not bringing you down.

:Patty :fireman Catholic, intactalactivist, co-sleeping, GDing, HSing, no-vax Mama to .........................:..........hale:
Peppermint is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#32 of 45 Old 03-11-2004, 11:35 PM
 
TranscendentalMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Heart Chakra
Posts: 2,565
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I want to say "ditto" on the recommendation to meditate. I do TM every day while my son naps and it SAVES me. I know I'd be a terrible mother without it.

Somebody needs to pull your dh aside & have a talk. That is so unfair that he is unwilling to help with the kids. I don't know how I would survive if dh wasn't helping. (he's up there right now trying to get ds to sleep!) This fact alone should tell you that your kids are better off with you not dh.

Also remember that this period of total dependency is TEMPORARY. It will go so fast...before you know it they'll be doing practically everything for themselves. You're almost there.

Can I ask...why did you decide to have children? The reason I ask is that there must be some part of you that saw something appealing about it. When I'm feeling down sometimes I look at ds's birth pictures and remember this miracle that I am a part of.

"We shape the clay into a pot but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want" Lao Tzu
TranscendentalMom is offline  
#33 of 45 Old 03-12-2004, 12:19 AM
 
gurumama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 1,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It sounds like your husband's attitude is 90% of your problem. He's unsupportive, detached, and stuck in 1950's notions of fatherhood.

You would feel much more like *you* again if he would give you the breathing room to be you. You are not only expected to be a mom and tend the house, but to be your kids' SOLE emotional support. That's a tremendous burden he's forced on you.

Get a babysitter and do not feel one ounce of guilt about it. My DH gives me oodles of time each week for *me* time, time that I need to recharge my batteries. If your husband won't give that to you, then find it elsewhere from a babysitter. You'll be a better parent and a happier woman.
gurumama is offline  
#34 of 45 Old 03-12-2004, 01:05 AM
 
MommyCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: LaLaLand
Posts: 83
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
....
MommyCat is offline  
#35 of 45 Old 03-12-2004, 01:08 AM
 
MommyCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: LaLaLand
Posts: 83
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I used to feel this way as well. ((Hugs)) I even tried to commit suicide 2X as I thought there was no way out.
Forgive me I dont have time to read all of the second page of posts but I really feel for you.

I so remember thinking those thoughts and my dh putting me down and not understanding any of it. He just made me feel more guilty and kept abusing me mentally.
I know how crazy it feels and I know I never would have had the guts to post about it on here (or anywhere) at the time. Big gold star for you!

I will just say that after I left DH and resolved my issues with him I became the person I always knew was inside, that I didnt feel that I could be before and all my feelings changed.

I knew I loved my kids but it was just to much to handle and I resented being the one to take care of everyone(it turned out it was HIM i resented taking care of)with no help. Why didnt my job have quitting time. Why did he get to come home and relax, my job never ended! Was this going to be it?! This was my life and then I was going to die? I felt horible. My life meant nothing...

I felt like I was trapped in this life and I was sooooo depressed, I was off and on different meds, tried to od on zanax twice,
and tried to go out every weekend and get wasted to get away from it all. Only angering him and making me feel worse.

But it wasnt the kids or Mommyhood that was just the easy thing to put it on I guess so I didnt have to deal with the real issues with him. I know it seemed that it was at the time, though. Now I feel like I can accomplish anything I want kids in tow the whole way, and I think I would die without them.

Anyway Im not sure what I am trying to say but that after I dealt with what was holding me back from being the person I wanted (NEEDED) to be it all fell so wonderfully into place, mommyness and all! Now I dont mind and even love all the constant Mommy stuff.

I have a 27 month old and a 4 month old so I am stressed to the hilt constantly but I dont have the same feelings of wanting to escape anymore.

The meds didnt help, I dont think they deal with the issue i think they attenpt to cover up or make "OK" whatever is the problem.
Youve got to focus on you and do what you need. And Im sure deep down you know what the real issues are...

((HUGS)) And this to shall pass!! It will only be to soon that you will be looking back wishing they were babies again...
MommyCat is offline  
#36 of 45 Old 03-12-2004, 01:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
Violeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: With my wonderful kids!
Posts: 181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I decide to have children because I have always wanted them...Before having my children I had planned on having a large family of 4-6 children...But since my husband has turned out to be such a smuck, I don't think that I will have anymore with him. Of course, he wants more but I will be the one raising and caring for them...This whole situation really bothers me because it was one of my dreams to have a large family and to have a great husband, but both of those concepts are broken dreams now...I feel as though maybe I am grieving the loss of the marriage I wanted, should have had, etc???...I know that there are men out there who make the mother of their children's lives so much easier than mine does...I feel very slighted about this situation...it's just not what I bargained for.
Violeta is offline  
#37 of 45 Old 03-12-2004, 04:19 AM
 
LisainCalifornia's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Northern California
Posts: 2,557
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think it would be a good idea to use some very reliable birth control until you decide what you want to do. You have 2 children very close in age, which is very difficult. To add an additional baby into this situation would be tragic.

My husband works VERY long hours--he has a very high powered career that is incredibly demanding for him. This in turn makes my life as a stay at home mom of 3 also very demanding. I do all of the housework and childcare at this point--but on the weekends we do try to partner up. I knew my husband was very driven in his career before I married him, though--so I take responsibility for how my life is now. I am happy but tired.

Was your husband always so unhelpful and inconsiderate? Why did you choose him to marry? Why did you have a second child when things were already so overwhelming for you? I am asking these questions not to put you down, but to help you get inside of your head and figure out how you got into this situation. You can only change the situation if you know what you did wrong in the first place, you know? To let all of this wash over on you (picking a bad man to marry, choosing to get pregnant in very quick time) and not examine why it happened is a mistake, I think. With children involved now, you have some accountability too--not just your husband.
LisainCalifornia is offline  
#38 of 45 Old 03-13-2004, 01:17 AM
 
aussiemum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: neither here nor there
Posts: 3,205
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
...I feel as though maybe I am grieving the loss of the marriage I wanted, should have had, etc???..


Now i think you're getting to the core of the matter here, Violeta. I'm really short on time today, but I just wanted to say don't beat yourself up too much about the choices you've made in your life so far re: husband choice & having kids..... What's important now is that you are recognising that something has to change & you are taking positive steps by talking about it. I can kinda understand the pressures of being in a difficult marriage, my own being challenging most days, but I'm not in the extreme (IMO) situation you are. Just remember, it is possible to take back control of aspects of your life (such as your art) without changing every thing at the same time. And it's okay to let dreams go if all they're doing is dragging you down. It's okay to change dreams, nobody said the same one has to last forever........ my 2 bobs worth... big hugs to you Violeta....

Aussiemumhippie.gif (40), DH caffix.gif (39), DD reading.gif (13), & DS 2whistle.gif(11).

aussiemum is offline  
#39 of 45 Old 03-13-2004, 11:05 AM
 
layla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 380
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When your dh is sick, can he call in sick to work? Can you? Can he eat his meals in peace? Can you? Can he go pee by himself? Can you? Can he take a break at work if his boss is driving him nuts? Can you? Just a couple of point to make to him. Just because you're the mommy, doesn't mean your the only parent. You do the majority of the "mommy/slave" work, he brings in the money. That doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to a break. If his boss told him that he was on duty 24/7/365, he'd quit his job. Point that out to him and ask him how it's fair that he gets to come home from work and relax and you never get to. Tell him therapy is in order and if he cares about your marriage, to get up and go with you! Don't beat yourself up!
layla is offline  
#40 of 45 Old 03-13-2004, 02:44 PM
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: LOCATION, LOCATION
Posts: 5,746
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I think youve gotten some great advise and support here.

I just wanted to say for me and my artist mama friends.......we seem to especially need time to ourselves to be creative in our own way, whatever that may be. If I can get out and take some pictures, draw or paint, make a necklace.....Im a brand new person. It awakens my spirit.

I have only one dc, Im not depressed, I have a wonderful dh who shares 150% and is wonderfully supportive.......but I STILL need this time to myself or I have nothing left to give to anyone. I dont see it as a fault, just a necessity for the kind of person I am.

I hope you find your way to a more peaceful life as a mother and person. Good luck.....
rainsmom is offline  
#41 of 45 Old 03-14-2004, 02:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
Violeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: With my wonderful kids!
Posts: 181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, I have been thinking about some of the comments everyone has made and yes it was my bad decision making that got me in this mess in the first place....I didn't marry my husband because I loved him (the whole time I kept telling myself "I will learn to love him", "I will learn to love him")...he was actually my second choice, the guy I really wanted to marry wasn't ready to settle down, but wanted to establish a career and experience life...we were only 19 and 20 so that is pretty young. Anyway, out of my own imaturity I found another guy that was failry decent and was willing to get married and so we did...I was only 20 (currently 28)when we got married so please don't ask me why I did it...I have heard it from everyone and all I can say is that I was very immature. So that was why I married him...it has been a *rocky* marriage at best and then we had kids about 5 years into the marriage...I was actually a work outside the home mom until my second was born so when I decided to get pregnant with the second things were not like they are now...we were fairly happy with one child and wanted to bring another in because we were so in love with the first and with me staying home with the second it just seems as though things just get really bad...I think that we were all much happier when I was working outside of the home..I always thought that I wanted to be a stay at home, partially because my mom was a pretty good SAHM, the house was always clean, home cooked meals, very organized to 3 kids...she was my role model, but I really don't feel very organized being at home, I feel as though I have way too much time on my hands and don't know how to organize it...On another note, my husband is a workaholic...he absolutely refuses to take time off if he is sick and he doesn't understand why I should get any time off...even while he is out of town for 6 months..I am supposed to be this happy-go-lucky mom who just loves to play with the kids and not need any breaks...he critisizes me if I complain to him about it...I just think husbands should be compassionate and understanding....that's all for now I guess...
Violeta is offline  
#42 of 45 Old 03-14-2004, 03:05 AM
 
MommyCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: LaLaLand
Posts: 83
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You know, I REALLY dont think you should have to defend yourself or your actions to anyone on here.
They havent walked in your shoes or anyone elses for that matter and cant possibly begin to understand your situation and your intense feelings.

Some people are lucky(not me) and find a mate who shares their veiws and havent had to face the obsticles that stand in the way to having the life that they want. To question you about why you did these things or suggest that you prevent yourself from harming anything else is terrible. Everything happens for a reason and is a lesson to us. Some people have things happen in their lives that they dont know how to deal with, everyone makes mistakes! Everyone did not have the benifit of parents that taught them how to live or showed them the love they needed. Not to mention countless other things that shape each of our lives individually.

I was not not one of these lucky few either. I have been very close to where you are as I told you in my previous post.


I think the tone of some of these posters, though well intentioned is not unlike the ridicule and criticizism you are recieving from your husband. I know it must be hard for some people who have never had anything like this in their lives to see where you are coming from. It just really upsets me that you came here for support and you seem to be having to constantly defend and explain yourself here. And you dont.

Just like the parents with mellow kids scowling at and judging parents with spirited, aggressive kids as "Bad" parents not having a clue what it would be like if their kid had that disposition.
We get judged so much as parents and it reall is hard.

All in all Im sure that whatever you did and do at the time is what you thought was best at the time for you and your family. No one can know what to do all of the time. I know I sure dont have a clue. I am 28 a single mom of 3(one I dont even have custody of) and was right where you are just last year. When we know better we do better and there is no point of beating yourself about what we did in the past.
You will never get anywhere looking back. Only right back where you were. It reall y dosent matter why you did what you did beyond you knowing it now and moving on.
Trust me if I sat around answering why I made the choices I made and focusing on the countless stupid decisions I made in life I would be soooo depressed I probably couldnt get out of bed.
Ive done way more than my share of stupid things in my life.

Anyway I just wanted to offer my support and let you know you dont have to defend or explain your decisions to anyone and just let some of the superior attitudes roll off your back. One day they too will be challenged and then they will learn the lessons we have been shown already. And the great thing is when you come out of all this (and you will) you will be such a strong person and know even better who you are and what you want from life!
MommyCat is offline  
#43 of 45 Old 03-14-2004, 03:18 AM
Red
 
Red's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: at my keyboard, writing my novel.
Posts: 4,392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Look at the ages of my kids and listen to me. It does get better. It does get easier. Don't worry about what your DH thinks. If he were home with the kids, he might think differently. (a family emergency might be in order!) Dh has the choie to work, you do not. It's on demand.

Get a babysitter, or trade time with another parent. See your Doc, you realy should be evaluated for depression. You never think you have it, you know. If you aren't depressed and hate being a parent, and you might, then try to make the best possible alternatives for your kids. Look for great child care, great schools, involve them in outside activities. DOn't compare yourself to your mother! Mothers are supreme! And someday your kids will think you were.

When you are with your kids, concentrate on them. Take them places you can learn about them. Share your interests with them. Art museums? Ecology? Tell them what you care about, take them with you when you can.

I bet you'll love teenagers! Hang in there, be patient with yourself! Everyone hates their job form time to time. You make like it a lot better a few years later.

Ask foor help. Look online for others who share your feelings. Don't be afraid to admit how you feel

Don't leave your kids. Try to hang in there, to be strong. THese little people you've created are so important, so worthwhile. Give yourself as much time as you can.

You'll be in my thoughts! You are so strong to have posted this!
Red is offline  
#44 of 45 Old 03-14-2004, 04:19 AM
 
lula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: currently you mean?
Posts: 1,134
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Would it be possible/helpful to work out of the house for a bit? even if it ispart time and only pays for childcare it may still be a good option. just an idea.

lula
lula is offline  
#45 of 45 Old 03-14-2004, 05:02 PM
 
MamaJosie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: AZ
Posts: 34
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
feel too much guilt but you do need to come up with a creative solution. You said you love your kids and so that is enough in my mind that you should definitely not think they would be better off without you or something. I do however, think you and your kids might be better off without dh. If the marriage is dead and he gives you no support have you considered single motherhood? Does he know how you feel and how close you are to wanting out? It might be a wake up call for him. I would first try to find a good counselor and also some better meds but I would also consider putting the kids in daycare/preschool and working outside the home. The parenting hours you do have might be much more maneagble then and you could learn to enjoy them. There is nothing wrong with this choice if it is the best case scenario for you and your family. Don't let mother guilt bring you down. WOmen have way too much guilt as it is. Also, there is some good reading out there that might make you feel less alone - some really funny and touching books like Child of Mine, The Big Rumpus and Mother Shock (loving every other minute of it). I am reading "in the trenches" mother tales type books these days to try and pick a few good ones for my sister who is on the fence about having a child. And I wish I had found them sooner. I dont feel so alone in my ambivalence about momhood and they really are a riot. Good luck and let us know how things are going.
MamaJosie is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off