Bad etiquette or too sensitive? Party related - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 03:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DH and I had a birthday party for DD. It was my first time having a kids party. On the invitation, I specifically said to contact me if any child had a food allergy or special dietary need. As the mother of a two year old who will sometimes only eat pasta, I wanted to make sure everyone was accommodated.

DD eats a mostly organic diet but if we are invited to someone's home I don't expect the host to cater to how we feed her. As long as it's not pork, she can eat whatever else is eating. Anyway, we served pizza and salad (for the adults). There was also apple sauce cups, cut up grapes and other kid friendly snacks for the children. One guest and her DP didn't eat anything we served. I asked if they wanted something else. We had a lot of food in the refrigerator. Cold cuts, cheese, pasta and pasta sauce. Enough food for me or DH to make sure no guest went home hungry including enough food to make a parent who only lets her child eat organic food happy. Her son grabbed for a slice of pizza but she said he couldn't have it. I asked her if she wanted me to make him a grilled cheese or pb and j and she said no. No problem. But then she took it upon herself to help herself to other food and snacks in our cabinet! She let her son eat three organic fruit pouches, crackers and cheese. When it came time to serve cake and ice cream, she told my husband he didn't eat cake because it's too sweet. Okay! No problem. DH asked if he could have ice cream. "Only if you have organic ice cream." It turned out we did but normally that's not something we have in the apartment. It just turned out I had a free coupon for a Stonyfield Farm product and DH purchased it the night before. She let her son eat three bowlfuls of the icecream. Before she and her family left she ran into the kitchen and helped herself to some crackers. Then she asked me if there was a store near by where she could get something to eat. I told her the closest store was a few blocks away but they only sell sandwhiches and chips and stuff. I asked her why she didn't eat the pizza or have some salad if she was hungry. Her response? "I don't eat greasy food."

I will admit I am very sensitive but I thought that comment was beyond rude. You don't eat greasy food but you let your son scarf down three fruit pouches, crackers and eat three bowlfuls of organic ice cream which has the same amount of sugar in it as non organic ice cream. I was extremely offended by this and called her up about it the following Monday. She told me I was too sensitive. She reiterated that she doesn't eat greasy food and she doesn't feed her son "conventional" pizza because it's greasy and would make his stomach queasy. She let him have ice cream because he hasn't had ice cream in a long time and because he really wanted it.

I would never invite her back to my home. I was very offended by her comments. I also went well out of my way to offer her and her partner and DC alternatives in terms of food. I also don't go into another person's home and help myself to their food.
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#2 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 03:30 PM
 
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I'd be offended that she was rooting through my cupboards and then let her son eat THREE BOWLS of ice cream! I still remembering my mom complaining about children of a family friend who ate her out of house and home when they came to visit, and I'm always cautious about my daughter being too greedy with someone else's generosity.

Her comments, of course, are also ridiculous. I don't think I'd invite her back, either.

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#3 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 03:32 PM
 
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Whoa. It's definitely not you- that is REALLY bad etiquette. And weird. I was reading along thinking maybe it was someone who had issues with other people preparing/touching their food, or shared food, or.... ?? But then they let their kid eat the ice cream, so that doesn't make any sense. And does she not realize that the same (milk)fat that makes the pizza greasy is also in the ice cream? Maybe it was just the organic part of it. But still...

Not eating at someone's party is fine- weird, but not rude. Asking for different food from your cabinets starts to get a little annoying to me. But then straight out asking you where a grocery store was so that she could get some food- THAT is plain rude. Was she really trying to get the point across that your food was horrible, or what?

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#4 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 03:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Whoa. It's definitely not you- that is REALLY bad etiquette. And weird. I was reading along thinking maybe it was someone who had issues with other people preparing/touching their food, or shared food, or.... ?? But then they let their kid eat the ice cream, so that doesn't make any sense. And does she not realize that the same (milk)fat that makes the pizza greasy is also in the ice cream? Maybe it was just the organic part of it. But still...

Not eating at someone's party is fine- weird, but not rude. Asking for different food from your cabinets starts to get a little annoying to me. But then straight out asking you where a grocery store was so that she could get some food- THAT is plain rude. Was she really trying to get the point across that your food was horrible, or what?
This is what I thought. The pizza came from a popular local eatery. I didn't make it. I was also irked because DH and I are on a serious budget and it took a lot to plan a nice event for DD. Pizza is usually the food everyone eats. I would never dare go to someone's home and request only an organic version of what everyone else is ready. I have to laugh at that in order to not be ticked off.
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#5 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 03:46 PM
 
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You never know what to expect when someone else is serving you, so you shouldn't be offended if it's not what you would normally eat. Be polite, nibble at what you can, and get something else on the way home. The fact that you went out of your way to put on the invitation that you want to accomodate anyone's special dietary needs is way more than what you needed to do. You went well above and beyond what I would have even imagined. Why couldn't she just let her kid eat grapes and be done with it? There was plenty to choose from on your regular menu to accomodate anyone IMO. She was rude, rude, rude.

Kat, wife to and mommy to (Dec 07).
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#6 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 04:07 PM
 
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That's just weird.

It's not like she got you off to the side and said look, I'm so sorry, I totally forgot to call and let you know he's allergic to X and I forgot to pack anything and he's STARVING, do you mind if I find him some blah blah blah. Or let you offer something. It's not like he's small and took it upon himself to find something while no one was paying attention, or found a box of snacks sitting out and helped himself.

It's like she went out of her way to be difficult.

I keep trying to think of underlying reasons I may be missing - you know, illness or allergy that may not be obvious but all I can come up with is rude.
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#7 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 04:28 PM
 
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Yeah, another vote for wtf is wrong with her? Seriously? We (attempt) to eat mostly organic (we have a lot of failures... but we try!), but I can not imagine ever going to someones house and demanding organic x or insulting their food cause' we don't happen to think whatever their serving is 'good food'.

Utterly 100% rude!!!
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#8 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 04:36 PM
 
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No, you aren't too sensitive. She was really rude. I can't imagine commenting about someone's food like that, and then behaving as she did. I woudln't invite her back, either.

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#9 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 04:41 PM
 
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that's over the top. I mean I like my kid to eat healthy but at party's well I don't care as much. But if I did have major restrictions on that stuff then I would BRING MY OWN FOOD. I have a friend who is vegan, the whole family is. She brings stuff for her son to eat at birthday party's, even a frosted cupcake made with all vegan ingredients for him to eat when the kids have cake.
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#10 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 04:55 PM
 
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You are an exceedingly gracious hostess.

You tried to anticipate your guests' needs, you provided for them and you tolerated some extremely trying behaviour without losing your cool.

You're amazing! Don't let anyone make you think otherwise.
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#11 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 05:14 PM
 
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That was seriously rude.

I brought some snacks to a meeting the other day - I was on the run, didn't have time to get anything from a nicer store, but bought seed and dried fruit mix....and some chocolate covered almonds (just cuz I thought it would be nice).

A woman I offered them to said "Oh, I don't eat drugstore chocolate." (It was a grocery store, not a drug store, but I felt...ugh...so just kinda..left)

I get how you felt. Rude, rude, rude and with no graciousness.
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#12 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 05:16 PM
 
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No, you aren't too sensitive. She was really rude. I can't imagine commenting about someone's food like that, and then behaving as she did. I woudln't invite her back, either.
I agree with this. I would never let someone like this back in my house.
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#13 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 05:20 PM
 
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Her actions were incredibly rude. I would never, ever root through someone else's cabinets nor would I insult their food. That's just crazy.
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#14 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 05:36 PM
 
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Rude and very ungracious behavior! Jeesh.

If you have that many food issues then you bring your own. No problem. But you do not insult what a host is serving.
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#15 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 05:39 PM
 
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Not only rude but unfair to her son. I may have missed the age of the child but personally I wouldn't accept an invitation to a party where I was then going to not let my child have whatever his friends were having (allergies accepted, of course, but in that case the child is probably used to it). I know my 3 year old would have a FIT if I said no, you can't have pizza or cake like virtually every other kid at the party. Helping herself and her son to your pantry and your organic ice cream that wasn't being served to anyone else was inappropriate as well.

I always assume a kids party will involve pizza, chicken nuggets or some variation of those. Birthday parties are rarely about health food. If it was going to be an issue for some reason I would feed him before going to the party. That goes for me, too. I know one mom whose son is on a gluten free diet and she makes sure to bring a cupcake with her so that her son can feel a part of the party and not "different" from his friends.

Other than that, her excuse doesn't hold water. If it's grease she objects to for herself, what was wrong with the salad? Was it deep fried?
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#16 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 05:52 PM
 
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You were a gracious hostess and her behavior was outrageous. I'd say keep Ms. Rude McGude far far away from your home from now on.

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#17 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 06:12 PM
 
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You were very accommodating. She was very rude. I would not invite her back again either. She has major boundary issues.

I have food issues. I don't eat pizza unless it is cheese-less because cheese makes me feel sick. I would bring my own food and munch on whatever else there was I could eat.

DD used to not eat dairy or gluten - it's a huge pain, but while we appreciated those people who made accommodations for us, we did not expect it. It was our issue.

If she was so concerned with the type and quality of the food at the party, she should have phoned you to ask what you were serving and packed a lunch for her family.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#18 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 06:24 PM
 
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I can't even imagine going through someone else's cupboard for food. Not in a million years.

If they are that fragile, they should have stopped on the way to the party and eaten "non conventional" food, so as not to be tempted by the greasy conventional food.

What a pain in the neck! I'd never have her back again either.
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#19 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 06:31 PM
 
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No, you aren't too sensitive. She was really rude. I can't imagine commenting about someone's food like that, and then behaving as she did. I woudln't invite her back, either.
Yep. She was way out of line. Sorry!

Wife to a wonderful dh and mom to four beautiful kiddos, dd (3/04):, ds1 (1/06), ds2 (10/08), and ds3 (7/10)
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#20 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 06:34 PM
 
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Yep, another person chiming in saying that she was just plain rude. Makes me also think she's one of those people that eat organic because it's 'cool' and doesn't actually realise that just because something is organic doesn't mean it's necessarily healthy!

It's complicated.
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#21 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 06:36 PM
 
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Just wanted to say as well, the PP who was trying to think of any underlying reason for her being so rude - I don't think there could be a reason! Just because you have allergies etc you can still manage to be polite about it!

It's complicated.
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#22 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 06:36 PM
 
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wait. youve never met this guest and DP before? she helped herself to YOUR pantry.

this is waaaay beyond rude.

i cant imagine anyone doing this. OMG!!! it leaves me speechless.

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#23 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 06:53 PM
 
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I'm a health nut. It doesn't bother me if someone doesn't want to feed their kid junk food. But her actions were rude. She didn't need to eat your food, but the rooting through your stuff and insulting your food was rude, not to mention taking advantage of the premium food she got her hands on.

When I'm a guest somewhere, I choose from the food I'm offered. If for some reason the hostess offered special food (happened kind of recently, DD spotted a mango she wanted), I'd make sure the food was appreciated, the serving fully eaten (I ate the rest of the mango when DD was done), and none more requested!

The whole asking where she could get more food nearby was like flaunting her insult for your food.

And I second the PP about the salad... your salad was too greasy? What the heck?

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

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#24 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 07:02 PM
 
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Huh, would've saved you time if she'd told you "my kid will only eat junk food and I only let him eat junk food that comes with a label that lets me feel less guilty."

That kid is going to end up with orthoexia AND a junkfood belly.
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#25 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 07:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Cascadian View Post
That was seriously rude.

I brought some snacks to a meeting the other day - I was on the run, didn't have time to get anything from a nicer store, but bought seed and dried fruit mix....and some chocolate covered almonds (just cuz I thought it would be nice).

A woman I offered them to said "Oh, I don't eat drugstore chocolate." (It was a grocery store, not a drug store, but I felt...ugh...so just kinda..left)

I get how you felt. Rude, rude, rude and with no graciousness.
Pleeeeeeeaaase please please please please take a box of Godiva to a meeting and be sure to tell her you got it at a grocery store and that you couldn't possibly let her have any. Please????


(To be perfectly honest, I did manage to lose 15lbs at one point just by only eating fancy dark chocolate (okay, hershey's special dark instead of snickers, ), so I would probably have declined the almonds too at that point, but if I said anything beyond "no, thank you" it would've been "I'm only eating dark chocolate right now, although those do look yummy, more for everyone else!"
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#26 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 07:10 PM
 
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Huh, would've saved you time if she'd told you "my kid will only eat junk food and I only let him eat junk food that comes with a label that lets me feel less guilty."

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#27 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 07:29 PM
 
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You were beyond nice and she was beyond rude.. I would never have her back..

Jenese Mama to Elliot 8/05 and Millie Jane 7/07 and Cecilia Kate 1/11
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#28 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 09:38 PM
 
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In most situations I try to see it from the other person's point of view but truly this has me baffled. This woman was extremely rude. I would not call your response sensitive at all. She was rude and nasty.
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#29 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 09:50 PM
 
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She was completely rude. However, it seems like you were really eager to have her and her son eat something, anything. Maybe she thought that not feeding her kid at your party was making you uncomfortable, so she'd better find something acceptable. I would never offer to leave my child's birthday party in order to cook a grilled-cheese. I'd assume that everyone coming to the party would know the type of food and would either eat it or not.

I don't take it personally when people don't eat my food, and I don't bend over backward to offer them alternatives. If they are that picky, they should bring their own food to begin with. Maybe that's why I'm never gossiped about as being a really awesome hostess.
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#30 of 89 Old 05-06-2010, 10:39 PM
 
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Rude, crude chickster. Oh and obviously has boundary issues. Seriously, who goes into other people's cabinets scrounging for food? And 3 bowls of ice cream? GMAFB.

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