managing relatives when everyone is scattered across the country - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 40 Old 05-21-2010, 08:26 PM
 
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But, if you moved, why should they come visit you? They weren't the ones who chose to create the distance...

If we moved away, part of that would be making sure we set our budget up to be able to go back home to visit. I wouldn't expect other people to absorb the cost.

Also, if you live in Europe now and they are in the US, then you're trying to dictate where they should spend their vacation and use their vacation time. That's not very fair.
Who says life is fair? Relationships are a two way street. If both sides desire a relationship then both sides need to do some work.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#32 of 40 Old 05-21-2010, 08:32 PM
 
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We have this issue, too. My dh's sisters all live in OH (we're in GA), and his parents are in FL. My parents are within an hour, so not a big deal. My grandparents are in FL, and they used to do most of the traveling, but they are now elderly, and that's not practical.

I travel to see my grandparents (though not frequently), because of their age.

My dh feels like he didn't move away from his sisters (and he didn't--he's a tag along child, 10 years younger than the next older sister, and his parents moved him away when he was 8), but his sisters also feel like *they* didn't move away, either. They are in the same town that they have been in for 30+ years. We go up every other year for the holidays (cause there are 3 of them, nad it's easier), and in between, we try to get together.

His parents sometimes visit us, expect us to visit a lot (which doesn't happen), and they are generally unhappy with the situation. But, we do what we can to see them.
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#33 of 40 Old 05-21-2010, 08:33 PM
 
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We used to travel a lot to se the grandparents, but it got a bit much after a while. Could you use skype, photo sharing websites, facebook etc?
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#34 of 40 Old 05-22-2010, 12:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by JL83 View Post
But, if you moved, why should they come visit you? They weren't the ones who chose to create the distance...

If we moved away, part of that would be making sure we set our budget up to be able to go back home to visit. I wouldn't expect other people to absorb the cost.

Also, if you live in Europe now and they are in the US, then you're trying to dictate where they should spend their vacation and use their vacation time. That's not very fair.
I really take issue with this. My dh works in a very specialized profession, and the jobs are concentrated in certain parts of the country. He works with a recruiter and tells the recruiter to tell him immediately if jobs open up in the midwest....in eight years, 1 opening (which dh applied for and did not get). Dh literally cannot support our family in either town where we grew up. We don't have the option of living near our families at the moment. And besides, isn't my mil "choosing" not to see us by repeatedly turning down offers to pay for her plane ticket, repeatedly refusing to move closer to us, even though she really has no reason not to, except for being vaguely afraid of driving on the east coast? I just think the whole, "you moved away, now you absorb all the cost of maintaining a relationship" is unrealistic. There needs to be some give and take, depending on everyone's financial situation and the ages of the children and how much travel they can tolerate.


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Who says life is fair? Relationships are a two way street. If both sides desire a relationship then both sides need to do some work.


Exactly

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#35 of 40 Old 05-22-2010, 12:36 PM
 
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When I was younger, my friend's family would all rent and split a huge beach house (not expensive, depending on where you go. Lake houses, mountains, etc are all good choices) and meet up there. I always thought it was such a neat idea and we've used it ourselves. It doesn't have to be expensive, everyone has to travel so no one feels especially put out, it's not anyone's home turf, and it doesn't feel like you're wasting vacation days and not doing anything fun.
We always did this when I was growing up too and it was great! My family still does this actually, although I live overseas now and can't really participate so often. It was great because, like you said, it was neutral territory so no one was imposing on anyone and no one got their space invaded. We kids always had a blast with our cousins and it was a good chance to get away from everything and spend time outdoors and get good quality time with each other that you don't get when you still have all the distractions of home there, imo. You know, playing cards with your cousins or going for a walk on the beach with grandma instead of people being glued to the TV or, later, when we were teenagers, being distracted by our own social lives.

Living abroad makes visiting the family really a logistical nightmare, but if we ever move back to the States we'll definitely be carrying on that tradition.

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#36 of 40 Old 05-22-2010, 12:44 PM
 
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I really take issue with this. My dh works in a very specialized profession, and the jobs are concentrated in certain parts of the country. He works with a recruiter and tells the recruiter to tell him immediately if jobs open up in the midwest....in eight years, 1 opening (which dh applied for and did not get). Dh literally cannot support our family in either town where we grew up. We don't have the option of living near our families at the moment. And besides, isn't my mil "choosing" not to see us by repeatedly turning down offers to pay for her plane ticket, repeatedly refusing to move closer to us, even though she really has no reason not to, except for being vaguely afraid of driving on the east coast? I just think the whole, "you moved away, now you absorb all the cost of maintaining a relationship" is unrealistic. There needs to be some give and take, depending on everyone's financial situation and the ages of the children and how much travel they can tolerate.
I think you missed my point.

Your family was the one who chose that profession. You chose to make it so that you had to move away.

Your extended families didn't choose that. Why should they shoulder the cost of your choices?

I look at it from my perspective. We are able to budget to take 1 family vacation a year. 1 trip a year where we fly somewhere. If we were required to travel to see the family who has moved away, then we wouldn't be able to go on a vacation somewhere we actually wanted to go to.

Luckily our family who moved away comes back every year and we travel to them every couple of years.
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#37 of 40 Old 05-22-2010, 01:48 PM
 
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I think you missed my point.

Your family was the one who chose that profession. You chose to make it so that you had to move away.

Your extended families didn't choose that. Why should they shoulder the cost of your choices?
Presumably because they care about maintaining a relationship, too. Choosing a profession isn't such a pat and predictable thing that you can be sure there will be jobs in the area you want. Things aren't so static that companies don't close, sell, or relocate.

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I look at it from my perspective. We are able to budget to take 1 family vacation a year. 1 trip a year where we fly somewhere. If we were required to travel to see the family who has moved away, then we wouldn't be able to go on a vacation somewhere we actually wanted to go to.
We've NEVER gone on a vacation "somewhere we actually want to go." Any traveling we've ever done has been to visit relatives. I'd really assume someone wasn't interested in a relationship if they expected me to visit them with my one vacation a year because I moved away, yet were using their vacation time to go to a resort or something.

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#38 of 40 Old 05-22-2010, 02:00 PM
 
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Presumably because they care about maintaining a relationship, too. Choosing a profession isn't such a pat and predictable thing that you can be sure there will be jobs in the area you want. Things aren't so static that companies don't close, sell, or relocate.



We've NEVER gone on a vacation "somewhere we actually want to go." Any traveling we've ever done has been to visit relatives. I'd really assume someone wasn't interested in a relationship if they expected me to visit them with my one vacation a year because I moved away, yet were using their vacation time to go to a resort or something.
Absolutely agree 100%.

And to the "you chose it" opinion, in our case my DH didn't choose a career that required he move, nor could he have foreseen 15 yrs ago that the economy would crater and his company would no longer offer employment in our area.

I don't think it's fair to argue "you created the distance, you deal." My brother and his wife moved a couple of hours away from his ILs. Her parents sold their house of 25 years and moved to be near them, as did her sister, who moved across country. Based on their experience, I could argue that our relatives should pick up and move to be with us, let alone do more traveling. Everyone's experience is different.
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#39 of 40 Old 05-23-2010, 11:09 AM
 
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But even when we were in the US, no one made the effort. If my sister had a baby I would not expect her to drive 9 hours with said baby just so I can see it. I would go to her. Because she is my sister and i love her. Plus we had to use our vacation time to see them.

Yes I moved, but I don't feel that means only I have to make an effort to maintain family ties.

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#40 of 40 Old 05-23-2010, 11:15 AM
 
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I think you missed my point.

Your family was the one who chose that profession. You chose to make it so that you had to move away.

Your extended families didn't choose that. Why should they shoulder the cost of your choices?

I look at it from my perspective. We are able to budget to take 1 family vacation a year. 1 trip a year where we fly somewhere. If we were required to travel to see the family who has moved away, then we wouldn't be able to go on a vacation somewhere we actually wanted to go to.

Luckily our family who moved away comes back every year and we travel to them every couple of years.
I hear you and if cost were an issue we would shoulder it. But all of my siblings make good money. Plus they do go on vacations other places as well. I am not particularly interested in spending the amount of cash we would need to to go back ot the states, plus 3 weeks of vacay time. But I would because they are my family.

You said you still go out to see you family once every 2 years or so. I don't really expect a visit every year. But in the 3 years we lived in the states no one made an effort. I would just like a little receprocitiy.

Mamma to dd1 3/8/07, one 9.5.08, and dd2 9/9/09
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