Have you been asked to bring a gift for the birthday child's sibling? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We received an evite for a birthday invitation for my cousin's daughter who's going to be 1. We're really psyched about it. Here's the thing. On the evite she asked all guests to please bring a gift for the older daughter so she won't feel left out. I'm aware that the older daughter has had some issues adjusting to having a sibling and not being the center of attention anymore. Truthfully, it hasn't been easy for my cousins oldest DD. I don't want to buy a gift for the older child. It was her birthday last month and I got her a gift already. Is this something you've been asked to do before?
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#2 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:33 PM
 
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No, I haven't. I don't think I'd do it. I've seen parents, and even grandparents, give an older sibling a little something at a baby's party, and I can get that. Expecting the guests to bring something for the sibling just seems weird. And, just off the cuff...it sounds counterproductive. I really don't think it's going to help the older dd adjust if she's being given the notion that the baby can't have her own "special day", yk?

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#3 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:39 PM
 
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No and that's just bizarre. Did she ask everyone or just a few family members?

My mom brings gifts to all the grandkids' parties for the other grandkids, but no one else does and I certainly would never ask someone to. As hard as it getting a new sibling, overcompensating does nothing to help the adjustment.
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#4 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:39 PM
 
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No. That seems ridiculous and like it will set up a lot of unrealistic expectations.

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#5 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:42 PM
 
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I've also never seen this/heard of it before - other than from grandparents - my grandma did this for both me and my sister when we were little - and my MIL does it for my kids as well - but it's something little.

I personally, wouldn't do it. I agree with Storm Bride that it sounds counterproductive.
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#6 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:42 PM
 
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No, I haven't. I don't think I'd do it. I've seen parents, and even grandparents, give an older sibling a little something at a baby's party, and I can get that. Expecting the guests to bring something for the sibling just seems weird. And, just off the cuff...it sounds counterproductive. I really don't think it's going to help the older dd adjust if she's being given the notion that the baby can't have her own "special day", yk?
This.

When my brother and I were younger my parents would get one of us a small gift (presented at a different time than the party, mind you) In fact, it was usually a few days before or after...we called it brother's day or sister's day depending on who's birthday it was. But once we got older we were taught that it wasn't always that way. After that brother/sister day was just a joke to decide who got their way. (Like, the first person to declare it "their day" got to pick what movie we watched or where we ate lunch)

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#7 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:42 PM
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No. That seems ridiculous and like it will set up a lot of unrealistic expectations.

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#8 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No and that's just bizarre. Did she ask everyone or just a few family members?
My mom brings gifts to all the grandkids' parties for the other grandkids, but no one else does and I certainly would never ask someone to. As hard as it getting a new sibling, overcompensating does nothing to help the adjustment.
She asked every invited guest. My close girlfriend is invited too and the same thing was on her evite. She mentioned to me because she can't afford to buy an extra gift for the older daughter.
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#9 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:46 PM
 
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Where do people get this kind of nerve?

I see grandparents and parents do this kind of stuff for siblings all the time. But to ask everyone else to bring an extra present...is just weird and tacky.

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#10 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:47 PM
 
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I find that incredibly rude and agree that it's just setting the older child up for unrealistic expectations. Talk about a sense of entitlement! If they feel they must have presents for the older child, they should buy them. Not ask the guests to. Wow. I can't get over how rude this is!

Personally, I wouldn't bring an extra gift. Just tell her you could only afford one gift.
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#11 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:50 PM
 
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Totally random - never heard of such a thing!

As a mom I would never ask that - I would be to embarrassed!

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#12 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think I'm less bothered by the request because I won't get the older child a gift but more bothered that she's not dealing with the issues the oldest child is having with having another sibling. It's been a year and it's not getting better. I feel for her oldest daughter and for my cousin and her DP too.
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#13 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:55 PM
 
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I've often given an older sibling a small, very inexpensive gift when I visit after a new baby has been added to a family. Something like a colouring book and crayons, or bubble mix and a wand, or sidewalk chalk. Just to recognize them and help them celebrate their changed status in the family as the "big brother" or "big sister".

I think it's a bad idea to ask people to give gifts to the sibling at a birthday party though. It's different if people want to do it.
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#14 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:57 PM
 
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The only time I've been supportive of a gift to be given for a sibling is when my dd was born -- the grandparents wanted to give something to ds to celebrate.

But, that's where it ended for me and I've actively discouraged it since then. Sure, a kid will take a gift whenever it's offered, but to begin to expect a gift when others are getting a gift isn't helping a child learn to appreciate the whole aspect of gift giving and personal celebrations. And it's never too early to start to learn this, IMO.

And I'm somewhat shocked that a request would be made of this nature - especially since the older dd recently had a birthday. Did they also request then that you give a gift to the younger dd so she "wouldn't feel out of it?"

If it were me, I'd ignore that part of the evite and make sure that you give the older dd some personal attention at the party -- which is probably the best gift that you could give her.

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#15 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 02:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The only time I've been supportive of a gift to be given for a sibling is when my dd was born -- the grandparents wanted to give something to ds to celebrate.

But, that's where it ended for me and I've actively discouraged it since then. Sure, a kid will take a gift whenever it's offered, but to begin to expect a gift when others are getting a gift isn't helping a child learn to appreciate the whole aspect of gift giving and personal celebrations. And it's never too early to start to learn this, IMO.

And I'm somewhat shocked that a request would be made of this nature - especially since the older dd recently had a birthday. Did they also request then that you give a gift to the younger dd so she "wouldn't feel out of it?"
If it were me, I'd ignore that part of the evite and make sure that you give the older dd some personal attention at the party -- which is probably the best gift that you could give her.
Not at all.
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#16 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 03:01 PM
 
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Wow, that is kind of bizarre. I get that the child has some sibling rivalry. Most older siblings do. But I would never expect anyone to get a gift for my older kids just because the baby was turning 1. In fact, I have spent the entire week leading up to a baby's birthday explaining to the older sibling(s), that it's the baby's special day and the baby will get gifts just like the sibling does on her birthday.

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#17 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 03:03 PM
 
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No. I feel sorry for that family, they are treating the symptom not the problem.

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#18 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 03:05 PM
 
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Odd. Newsflash to the parents: life isn't always fair, and when you have more than one child there willl be many issues such as jealousy and sibling rivalry. It's impossible to make everyone happy all the time, and you will be doing your children a disservice to attempt to cater to their every need. At a birthday party, the norm is that the birthday child receives gifts. Thus is life.

No, but really, I do understand when parents or even grandparents give something special to the sibling who feels left out when a new baby is born, or a first birthday party of said baby. But to request that all guests bring something for the older sibling is tacky and unnecessary.

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#19 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 03:09 PM
 
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It's rude to ask for gifts. Period.

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#20 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 03:11 PM
 
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I remember my mom giving me a small gift on my brother's birthday. I was terribly jealous of him for a very long time! He got the same treatment on my birthday. She would have never asked anyone to buy us both something!

I do think it is very rude but I would bring something small, like dollar store type thing for the sister since they asked for it. How old is she anyway?
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#21 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 03:24 PM
 
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Nope I've never heard of it. We do this within the family (even for the older sibling) up to a certain age, but I just cannot imagine asking this of of every invited guest. That poor child must really be having a hard time adjusting .
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#22 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 03:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I remember my mom giving me a small gift on my brother's birthday. I was terribly jealous of him for a very long time! He got the same treatment on my birthday. She would have never asked anyone to buy us both something!

I do think it is very rude but I would bring something small, like dollar store type thing for the sister since they asked for it. How old is she anyway?
The oldest is three. She got a wonderful and well thought of birthday gift from us last month so I won't get her anything from the dollar store. My cousin is well meaning but I don't think she realizes gifts aren't the cure all for the rivalry issue.
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#23 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 03:25 PM
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My mom always gave my sister and I matching presents on each others birthdays when we were small, up until about 6 or 7. We were 18 months apart. It's just weird and greedy to expect it from guests though.
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#24 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 03:39 PM
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That's just sad, that they are being tacky and expecting their GUESTS to do the work of "solving" this sibling/parenting issue for them. I feel bad for both those kids. And the guests!
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#25 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 03:48 PM
 
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Wow, cheeky!

The only time I've seen sibling gifts is when people bring something over for a new baby, they will often bring something small for a sibling who was say preschool age or younger.

I have two boys, they both have birthdays and they've both gotten gifts and neither has received gifts on the other boy's birthday. It's my job to teach them that it's someone ELSE's special day.

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#26 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 03:50 PM
 
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I think the mom is making it worse. The older sibling needs to learn that it isn't all about her. Having a "poor baby" attitude about a child who isn't a baby isn't helpful to them at all.

I really like the book Siblings without Rivarly. If it were me, I'd give the mom a copy (you might read it first if you haven't).

We only have 2 kids and their B-days are 6 months apart. They each get a gift on the other's birthday, but I don't want anyone else to do so. One present from your parents says that you are loved and are part of the fun -- gifts from everyone says that your sibling isn't special and that it is ALL about you!

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#27 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 04:27 PM
 
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Where do people get this kind of nerve?

I see grandparents and parents do this kind of stuff for siblings all the time. But to ask everyone else to bring an extra present...is just weird and tacky.
I would NOT do it.

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#28 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 04:32 PM
 
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No, I've never seen someone come out and ask for that before. It seems a little rude.

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#29 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 04:49 PM
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I think the mom is making it worse. The older sibling needs to learn that it isn't all about her. Having a "poor baby" attitude about a child who isn't a baby isn't helpful to them at all.

I really like the book Siblings without Rivarly. If it were me, I'd give the mom a copy (you might read it first if you haven't).

We only have 2 kids and their B-days are 6 months apart. They each get a gift on the other's birthday, but I don't want anyone else to do so. One present from your parents says that you are loved and are part of the fun -- gifts from everyone says that your sibling isn't special and that it is ALL about you!
Ha, wrap up that great book as the extra gift!
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#30 of 77 Old 06-03-2010, 04:54 PM
 
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It's rude to ask for gifts. Period.
Exactly.
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