Uncomfortable with how DH corrects children - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 06-17-2010, 11:30 AM
 
laohaire's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 7,115
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm trying to get it, but I really don't. <scratches head>

So the dad should have trusted the mom because she was there. But unless you are making the dad the secondary parent, that doesn't work, because the mom might have just trusted the dad had it under control too. They were both there, the only way that your solution makes sense is if one parent was secondary, and for this to have been agreed to (explicitly or implicitly) so both knew how to behave.

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

laohaire is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 06-17-2010, 11:51 AM
 
Quinalla's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 2,334
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The first reaction seems pretty normal to me assuming he didn't see the asking for permission and all of that. I do think he should have followed up with your DD when he realized his mistake and explain, something like "It scared me to see you trying to pet a dog when I didn't hear that you had gotten permission because I thought you might get hurt. I'm sorry I didn't see what happened." but that's really the only complaint I could see there.

For the second reaction, if it really did hurt, I can see that one too, though he could definitely handle it better. A quick "ouch!" kind of reaction and then take a couple breaths and explain, "When you grab my hand like that it really hurts! If you want to hold my hand, please ask first so it doesn't hurt me." If it didn't really hurt and he was just annoyed/surprised, huge overreaction IMO. Not that he can't express annoyance, I think he should, but "never again" and all that is over the top. Again, a quick "It startled me when you grabbed my hand and I didn't see you. Can you say a quick "Hi Daddy" or ask to hold my hand next time?"

So, I think he could do better, but I'm sure we all could. But also, if these are just two incidents from a whole list of similar reactions, I can see why it may be a bigger problem. I do think your marriage issues may be coloring your view a tad though and probably are making DH overly defensive also.

Katie trekkie.gif - Married to Mike 06/02/01, Mom to Sydney Anne born 11/21/09 and Alice Maeryn & Oliver Thomas born 04/24/13  hug.gif 

 

 

Quinalla is offline  
Old 06-17-2010, 12:08 PM
 
riverscout's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: back where I belong
Posts: 2,260
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by laohaire View Post
I'm trying to get it, but I really don't. <scratches head>

So the dad should have trusted the mom because she was there. But unless you are making the dad the secondary parent, that doesn't work, because the mom might have just trusted the dad had it under control too. They were both there, the only way that your solution makes sense is if one parent was secondary, and for this to have been agreed to (explicitly or implicitly) so both knew how to behave.
I had a whole response posted trying to explain myself but decided to delete it because no good came come of this exchange, and it really isn't relevant to the OP. I'm baffled by why you think that I believe that fathers are secondary because of a single line in my post, but I'm not going to get into a debate about it. And I don't think getting this hung up on the details of the examples posted by the OP is helpful. She posted those examples because she feels they are part of a pattern. She didn't come post and say she was concerned over her husbands reaction only to the dog or only to the hand grabbing or only to his attitude that single day like "OMG my husband totally overreacted at the farmer's market but otherwise everything is peachy. WWYD?". In that case, I might have said lighten up and move on. But if this type of reaction by her husband is par for the course, then I think there's a problem. You don't, and that's cool too. Nice thing about message boards is the wide variety of opinions.

coolshine.gif

riverscout is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 07:28 AM
 
Viola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Nevada
Posts: 22,549
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by laohaire View Post
So the dad should have trusted the mom because she was there. But unless you are making the dad the secondary parent, that doesn't work, because the mom might have just trusted the dad had it under control too.
It doesn't sound like he trusted the mom at all, or in anyway looked to her for an explanation of what is going on. That sort of give and take always seems to go on between my husband and me. So if we were out in public and I was with our children and they got excited about a dog, he might caution them, or if he thought they were in danger, physically intervene, but he'd probably look at me first and see how I was reacting, if I was paying attention. He might make a comment to me first before having a lecture with the child. It's just a kind of give and take situation based on social cues. It sounds like there is more going on here.

It seems a little off to me to loudly lecture a three year old in front of the mother and other adults, but if he sees it as a training thing that is his duty, it makes more sense. Or he may, as was suggested, have sensory input that is just a bit off. But if we had a bad relationship, and then he ignored me completely in this situation and knelt down to lecture the 3 year old, I would feel like he was trying to make a point to me and other adults witnessing the exchange.

His reaction to the hand grabbing thing sounds even more odd to me, the way you are describing it, but I would have to witness the situation. I know sometimes my children hurt me, and if it's something I've already told them not to do, I don't always respond nicely. And sometimes it really is that I feel like they take for granted that I am their jungle gym. My children are older, however, and usually what happens is I'll say, "Oww, that hurt, don't do that!" And then there is a long sniping conversation that follows, "What, I barely touched you, all I did was this" (child repeats the action, but much more lightly) and how it wouldn't hurt her if I did the same thing, and boy, I must be sensitive, until I'm about ready to reciprocate with an eye for an eye.

But it does sound like he was surprised by DS's attempt to hold his hand and felt like it was a violation and then had to lecture him about it, and it almost sounds like he can't go with the flow with normal kid exuberance. I don't know if that is accurate or not, but usually when my child runs up and tries to hold my hand, it doesn't start it off as an attack, I feel the pull and follow the path of least resistance unless she pulls to the point of wanting resistance at which point I say something like, "Hey, cut it out, that hurts." I'll admit, though, every once in awhile they'll run up and do something and I'm all, "WTH was that?"

It sounds like he's suprised and upset by some of these things, and usually I react like this when I am feeling like my own needs are completely subordinate to everyone else's, when I am tired and mentally dejected or angry. I have a harder time dealing with surprises, and I might start to feel a little more protective of myself and have stricter boundaries on what is acceptable. But under normal circumstances, I want to have a looser relationship, less authoritarian relationship than that.
Viola is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 09:39 AM
 
rootzdawta's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Squarely Outside of the Box
Posts: 3,472
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Moved from Parenting to Parents as Partners.

Stay-at-home mom to 2 beautiful.busy.boisterous boys b. 08.17.05 & 12.29.08
Nirvana is . . . the living happiness of a soul which is conscious of itself and conscious of having found its own abode in the heart of the Eternal. --Gandhi
rootzdawta is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 01:28 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: On a pilgrimage to Canterbury
Posts: 2,567
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
No, it's not for real . I stopped taking the conversation seriously when I got hit with "So mom has to be responsible for everything and dad can just sit back and chill, eh?" when I mentioned that I thought the dad should have trusted that the OP had the situation under control since she was right there with the kid. How that makes me some throw back who thinks dads shouldn't be involved I have no idea, but I figured I'd play the part.
I totally got this too. You are my kind of funny.

I think I agree with Viola about this point though, sounds like he was not getting the social cues at all with the dog. DH and I have that same back and forth that you describe. It sounds to me like he's wrapped up in his own problems or so disconnected with his wife that he's not watching for stuff like that, but I'll still say that I think anxiety or over-stress are an issue.

I hope OP comes back.
InMediasRes is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 02:37 PM
 
riverscout's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: back where I belong
Posts: 2,260
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by InMediasRes View Post
but I'll still say that I think anxiety or over-stress are an issue.
I agree, and I think your description earlier of how anxiety can feel was remarkable. Someone close to me has described it in the exact same way.

I'm wondering if there might be some kind of pattern to the husband's behavior, like does he have triggers (crowded public places with the kids, etc) or is he always this reactive?

coolshine.gif

riverscout is offline  
Old 06-19-2010, 10:22 AM
 
cristina47454's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 702
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Does anyone take issue with the fact that the dad seems like he was making a scene? Is it really necessary to be loud and abrupt? The dog thing was fear based, so maybe in that instance it's more understandable.
cristina47454 is offline  
Old 06-19-2010, 11:01 AM
 
mamaofthree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,281
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i find both of those incidents a bit upsetting. i can see him correcting you dd about the dog, you know get on her level, look in her eye and NICELY say "remember we ask before we touch dogs" and then when the dog owner said "oh she asked" then he could easily say "ok sweety you can touch the dog" no yelling at all.

as for the hurt hand thing, sorry but give me a break. easy enough to say "dude, i'm not a jungle gym" and then hold his hand. instead making a big scene over it. not ok. maybe he has no idea how loud and scary he is. when you first mentioned that he may not know who loud he is and would be shocked... maybe video it, was what i thought of first. lol and it is a bit weird that he gets all pissy at you when you point it out. i would think as long as you were respectful and said something like "hey sweety i think you scared the kids when you were discipling them today. you were really loud" parenting isn't an everyone person for them selves sort of thing, it is a co-parenting thing. i know dh and i call each other on our crappiness often. nicely, and thoughtfully, but we still do it. no one is perfect. and i know even after 5 kids i still have alot to learn.

anyway ((hug))

h

mama to 6 amazing children joy.gif married to my main man for 21 years love.gif and finally home FULL time dishes.gifhang.gifknit.gif

mamaofthree is offline  
Old 06-19-2010, 11:18 AM
 
mamaofthree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,281
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna's Lovey View Post
Lindalu, I'm totally siding with you on this one. You were there. You know wether your husband was accidentally overreacting or being domineering and "putting the children in their place". Sounds to me like it was the later. I have no tolerance for that because, well that was the attitude towards kids in my household, and I am pretty clear about expressing my anger/anxiety/frustration when my dh behaves that way toward our dd. Thankfully, it doesn't happen very often and he does seem understanding when I explain my side of the situation.
I say trust your instincts and try as best you can to explain your reasoning and your feelings to him. "It makes me feel __ when you ___." Or "I've read that it's not good to ___ because ___."
i agree with this. it is easy to say "well you are over reacting, he behavior seems completely normal to me" when "you" were not there. since none of us where, it is really hard to say. i mean how loud was he, i am sure we have all seem parents freak out and thought "dude chill" maybe he was that loud. maybe he is like this alot and these were just the most recent examples.

h

mama to 6 amazing children joy.gif married to my main man for 21 years love.gif and finally home FULL time dishes.gifhang.gifknit.gif

mamaofthree is offline  
Old 06-22-2010, 11:42 AM
 
TiredX2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: it appears to be a handbasket
Posts: 20,029
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Moved to Parenting for OP access

 

 

TiredX2 is offline  
Old 06-22-2010, 04:46 PM
 
marge234's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 177
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
Well I just wanted to chime in to say I do think your husband overreacted in both situations and acted rather inappropriately, especially in the dog situation since you were right there and he should have assumed you had it under control rather than jump to the worst possible conclusion. That said, he may have some underlying reasons why he acts this way. The anxiety InMediasRes described sounds quite plausible from what I know of others with the same issue. But whatever it is, I think it needs addressing. It's not okay if he is acting this way all the time. Occasionally, sure, everyone is human. Multiple times a day, not so much. But if he isn't will to concede there is any issue, then I'm not sure there is much you can do other than make peace with it or move on.


And I feel strongly that parenting solidarity does not apply in these situations. If you feel the kids are being treated harshly/unfairly you correct it in front of the kids. You can give him a heads up that if it continues you will call him out, in front of kids and whomever else is there. If he doesn't want his wife arguing with him about "discipline", don't act like a bully.

You can't control DH's behavior but you can let your kids know that you don't think it's OK. That the kids get the message they don't deserve to be bullied is more important than parenting solidarity.

Perhaps DH has issues that cause him to behave badly. That doesn't mean OP has to let her kids think they deserve his outbursts.
marge234 is offline  
Old 06-22-2010, 08:47 PM
 
ivymae's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Eastern Washington
Posts: 2,161
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think as isolated incidents, they are not noteworthy, but as a pattern ("all too often") they are concerning. If this is his go-to parenting response, i would be upset as well. In my marriage, I feel like I can say "Hey, we need to talk about this because it concerns me. I love you, I know you are a great dad, but have you thought about how XYZ makes DD feel?" We've disagreed on sleep issues, discipline issues, school issues, medical issues, etc, so we're had a lot of these "Try not to get defensive, but I think this needs to be out in the open" talks. sometimes he's open to them, and sometimes he can say "Whoa, I didn't expect this, can we talk about this after I have a change to think about it?" which I try to be respectful of, though it doesn't get him off the hook either (BTW, I've been on the other side of the fence as well, it's sometimes tough to hear constructive criticism as anything other than "You suck".) If your relationship isn't in a place that can handle these talks, maybe having them with a mediator/counselor present to help steer them in a productive way would help.

Ivory, partner to Tom, mama to Ella (12/9/05), Alice (12/8/07), and our newest addition, Rebecca (4/1/10).
ivymae is offline  
Old 06-23-2010, 11:39 AM
 
hollytheteacher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,860
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm still confused about how a child pulling a man's hand could actually hurt?! *scratches head* My ds has pulled my hands many times and while semi-annoying I could never say it "hurts" ....

While the dog incident sounds like an innocent mistake...that yelling about pulling the hand thing is a little over the top...

me, dh and 2 boys = our family (oh and a cat...who is also a male...lol)
hollytheteacher is offline  
Old 07-01-2010, 11:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
lindalu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 145
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just wanted to thank everyone for their insightful replies. (I have been away from computer for a couple of weeks-)

Many of you said noteworthy things - even the sensory issues - he is deaf in one ear - also, generally unaware.

I think some of my sensitivity to these events stems from a history of unpredictable behavior depending upon his mood. Having said that, in retrospect, I still see his reactions as a bit overblown. I think I was just disappointed - we have rarely been out together as a family lately - and then we have a lousy day. Not sure why I would expect differently based on the state of our marriage.

But anyway, thank you again. I have looked at myself through your eyes - and will continue to consider and measure my reactions to things he does/says that causes me discomfort.

You guys rock!!!
lindalu is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off