Am I wrong here? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 01:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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First of all, we have been going through some really crazy stuff with my IL. My FIL and MIL are seperated, because my fil had an affair with their marriage therapist and then she started stalking my mil.....very very very long story. Anyways, my mil just got out of the hospital about a month ago from a mental breakdown. She continues to leave her family open to emotional damage and fear because of her inability to make adult decisions. I know it sounds like she is a victim here, and she is but she is doing alot of things that are making the situation worse.

DH wants to go to band practice Wednesday, and asked his mom if she could come over and watch DD. I am ok with that, since she is here, no one that she knows has any idea where we live, and for the most part i trust her ability to watch my dd in a quite closed and controlled environment. However, she wants to take my dd out to a movie. I dont think its a good idea at all.

Last week when she was over here, she told us that she hadn't slept in 3 days. She told us that she was not hanging out with these people that my DH and i do not want my dd around. And then today she posted pics or her hanging around them. When we came home late the other night she was sitting on the front porch screaming into her phone next to my dd's window, where she was sleeping. She continued to sit and yell into the phone for 20 minutes, and my neighbors came out to see what was going on. And had no idea why, or that she was being so loud. She is obviously very very very manic.

Im scared of her driving with dd, especially if she hasnt been sleeping, and im scared of the amount of meds that she is on. I am also scared about her getting distracted on the phone and not paying attention to what my dd is doing or where she is. Its not a risk i want to take.

Am i wrong? I told DH i wasnt comfortable and i didnt want maddie to go, and his reaction was "what am i supposed to tell her?" I dont, know, maybe the truth? UGH!

Melanie- Mama to my super hero daughter superhero.gif bravely battling brain cancer. ribbongrey.gif ribbongold.gif  www.fightformaddie.com  and expecting 1sttri.gif 1/13!!!!

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#2 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 01:47 PM
 
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The situation you described I would not be comfortable with her watching my children, period. Can you find another baby sitter?
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#3 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 01:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you!

To be honest, i had no idea the other night what her mental state was. I took DH's word that she was better, and back to her old self again.

Its a hard battle, because it seems like my DH is trying to protect her, and himself and not see her the way i do, and the way she actually is. And when he does that its like he is letting things slide, and not seeing the situation clearly and leaving dd open to be at risk. And telling him that or trying to get him to see that has just about caused us to seperate.

Melanie- Mama to my super hero daughter superhero.gif bravely battling brain cancer. ribbongrey.gif ribbongold.gif  www.fightformaddie.com  and expecting 1sttri.gif 1/13!!!!

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#4 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 01:55 PM
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I don't think I'd even have her babysit at all. I wouldn't have anyone watching my child who hadn't slept in three days and especially not if they were manic. After coming home and finding your MIL sitting on the front porch screaming into her phone next to your dd's window how can you trust her to be a calm and safe adult to watch your LO. What if neighbors called the police and she reacted badly, who would be there for your DD until you got home?

Your MIL just doesn't sound stable enough to provide appropriate child care right now. When you tell her it's not a good idea right now you can blame it on your feelings, for example; "I'm just being overprotective, but you're just very distracted right now and I just don't feel comfortable".
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#5 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 02:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tinyblackdot View Post
Thank you!

To be honest, i had no idea the other night what her mental state was. I took DH's word that she was better, and back to her old self again.

Its a hard battle, because it seems like my DH is trying to protect her, and himself and not see her the way i do, and the way she actually is. And when he does that its like he is letting things slide, and not seeing the situation clearly and leaving dd open to be at risk. And telling him that or trying to get him to see that has just about caused us to seperate.
for you DH. It's so hard when you grow up and realize that your parent, the one person who is supposed to be the one you can rely on and the most ideal grown up in your life isn't really acting like a grown up. mental illness is really rough on families, and I think especially so on adult children with parents who put us in the position of needing to parent and guide them. Given the recent events your DH may not trust therapists. But do you think he'd be open to finding one to go to for himself. I know he's an adult, but parents divorcing effects even adult kids. And then the added factor of his mom not being mom like has to be really hard for him. Just a few sessions with a professional may help him adjust and live with the changes better.

I'm sorry if he's getting mad at you for seeing the situation more clearly than he is able to right now. That's not fair to you either.
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#6 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 02:07 PM
 
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How frustrating all around. Sorry OP. I agree with the other posters, I would soo not be comfortable with her watching my kids. Not well rested and yelling into a phone loud enough to disturb neighbors? Not babysitting. So sorry your dh feels otherwise. Mary

Mary, Mama to 3 boys! 9/05 & 8/08 & 7/12
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#7 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 02:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks mamas!!

It sucks all around. I want my dd to spend time with her grandmother, and i want my DH to see his mother with our dd. And i want my DH to have the mother he needs. I just get sooooo angry at the whole situation, and i am trying really hard to keep my mouth closed but it seems to me that is what everyone is doing and its just giving her permission to act the way she is.

And to make things even worse, my mother has lost it too. She told me the other day that my dd is a nervous wreck, and that i only work to give me an excusse to get away from my family, and that she can not handle my dd and does not want to watch her anymore.

I tell you what, i always thought that mothers where supposed to be a foundation, and a rock for their kids?? Not the other way around.

Melanie- Mama to my super hero daughter superhero.gif bravely battling brain cancer. ribbongrey.gif ribbongold.gif  www.fightformaddie.com  and expecting 1sttri.gif 1/13!!!!

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#8 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 02:36 PM
 
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: I'm so sorry, it may be why you and your DH found each other. You both have mothers that aren't what you would have hoped for.
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#9 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 03:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by artgoddess View Post
The situation you described I would not be comfortable with her watching my children, period. Can you find another baby sitter?
I agree! You can't guarantee she isn't going to have an episode while she's watching your daughter.
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#10 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 03:23 PM
 
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No WAY would I let her watch my kids, if she is emotionally unstable-no questions asked. It sounds like she is not an acceptable caregiver.

FWIW-my mom wants badly to have my DD come stay with her, problem is a couple weeks ago she was suggesting I go to this wedding with her, as she said hop in the car and jet over and back(4 hour drive one way). I thought it seemed odd as I can't really hop in the car with her, my stepdad and 2 small kids in car seats. Seriously she like forgot I HAD kids, now I am waaaaayyyyy uncomfortable with her watching DD for the night, would she forget she was in the car if she was sleeping? Kids have died from that, I'm not ok with her mental state right now.

I wouldn't let my MIL take my kid or watch them with the situations you are talking about now.

I have to say WOW her therapist was having an affair with her husband, talk about therapy. Good golly-this is why I don't trust therapists, they are often as screwed up as those they claim to help, ugh.

Me Wife to T (14 years)Mama to Princess(4) and Monster Boy(my 1 year old ):
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#11 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 03:28 PM
 
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You are not wrong and are in fact very very right.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#12 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 03:28 PM
 
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What you describe of your DH is classic in these types of situations, my g-ma is a total crazy manipulator and when I mention her craziness and anything remotely negative my mom makes excuses for her behavior.

So sorry you are going through this.

Me Wife to T (14 years)Mama to Princess(4) and Monster Boy(my 1 year old ):
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#13 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 03:46 PM
 
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I would NOT let her watch my kids. It is a very unfortunate situation she is in and I hope she can get the help she needs, but you need to protect your DD first. I would put your foot down and find another sitter.

Crunchy Christian Wife and Mommy to awesome DH and DD1 (4/25/07) and DD2 (8/13/10)
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#14 of 14 Old 06-22-2010, 07:32 PM
 
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Of course you're not wrong to want to protect your DD from a mentally unstable caretaker. There is no way that someone with the issues you describe would be allowed to be alone with my kids, much less take them somewhere away from our home.

I'm sorry your DH doesn't see the situation clearly. I'm sure it's hard for him to admit this kind of stuff about his mom, but one would hope that his protection instincts towards his DD would override his shame/denial about his mom.

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