I don't get to have a life apparently. - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 64 Old 07-31-2010, 05:38 AM
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OP, what do you think your dh would do if you told him ahead of time that you were going out walking on certain days -- and then just went? Are you worried that he wouldn't take care of your children?

If this is your concern, then I can understand your not just being willing to take off like that. Do you really think he wouldn't care for them?

Susan -- married WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005), who started out unschooling and have now embarked on the public school adventure.
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#62 of 64 Old 07-31-2010, 09:39 AM
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I didn't read all the posts, but I will say this. My husband works a lot of hours, he comes home and stays up reading or surfing the net, etc. until very early in the morning. I used to let him sleep in, because he needed his sleep. But, no more. There have been nights where I am up until 2:30 in the morning washing and folding clothes. My middle child gets up at 6:30am. Who gets up with him? I do. I still work from home, so it seemed to be ok for me to get up after 4 hours of sleep (after doing laundry because I cannot do it with the kids awake), keep up with 3 kids, make breakfast, lunch and dinner, do my work, keep the house clean...WHAT???

No way. We are partners in this and these are not just my kids. I am not the only parent here. So, I started making him get up with the kids in the mornings, as well. He bitched me out about this one morning so after he went to work, I packed all his stuff into the suitcases and put them in the garage by the door for him. When he came home, he was like, "What's this?" and I told him that if he was going to live here, he would help me clean, take care of the kids, etc, otherwise he was already packed up and he needed to leave that night. I would not bust my butt 24/7 because he was "too tired" or "had a long day at work"...whatever. Means nothing to me because that is me EVERYDAY...especially now being pregnant with twins.

My kids do not run my household and although I will get my kids what they need, I have taught them to ask nicely. I do not respond to them running up and getting in my face and screaming and tantruming to get what they want. No. When they do that, they go upstairs to their room, finish their tantrum and then they come down and ask my nicely, or talk to me nicely, etc. I spend the mornings with them playing/reading/etc. until I have to do my work (when the nanny comes over, now...this was another deal I made with my husband). She comes over for a few hours each day and I get my work done (faster). They come back, I make lunch, we go outside and play until I need to come in to make dinner. The kids wash their hands and get ready to eat and then after dinner it's outside for a bit longer. Then, it's getting ready for bed.

You have to find what works for you. You matter, too. A happy moms equals a happy home. You do NOT have to work this job 24/7. Your husband has some responsibility here, as well and he needs to step up to the plate. If he refuses to do so, then you need to decide what to do next (counseling, etc). I would not want to see my husband leave...but, it is not fair to expect me to wash/dry his clothes, cook his food, clean the house (he's the messiest of everyone), take care of the kids AND work my 25-30 hours a week from home. He works 45-50 hours a week, comes home and goes fishing on the weekends...yeah, not anymore.

We've had to work very hard at creating a 'schedule' that works for all of us. But, you have to have 2 willing partners to do it. So, take your mommy time. I give myself 2 nights off a week. My husband knows that Tuesday and Thursday nights are mine and he is home in time, now, for me to go out (pedi, mani, tea at the local coffeshop, dinner with friends, etc). This did not come "magically" for me. I had to claim it. Yes, having small children is hard work. It does not mean that you cannot have a life and you cannot have your own quiet time.
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#63 of 64 Old 08-01-2010, 10:03 AM
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I take care of my kiddos 24/7 too.Been like that for 11 years now.It was hard at first since my dh wasn't even home most weeks,but atleast I did not also have to juggle work with childcare.Now that my kids are older and in school I have atleast 5 hours to myself each day.

And let me tell you..... I am totally enjoying each day!

My dh wants me to get a job,but I am in no rush because it will mean working around the kids schedules,calling off when they are sick,quiting each summer when they are home.I tried it and it was such a hassle for the little extra cash.

When my kids were younger I had my alone time when I would food shop those times when dh was home,otherwise I took the kids.A gym has childcare. I would try that so you can workout in peace.Some moms get up super early or stay up late to get *me* time.

I would be more frustrated if my dh was home playing games while I took care of the kids...without atleast offering to care for them for a bit.There were times when I was sick and was expected to cook/serve food.Now I just say," I am sick.I am going to go lay down,so find something to eat on your own." If I didn't stand up for myself at times I would still be expected to do so much when I really wasn't up for it.

Hope things get better for you soon!
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#64 of 64 Old 08-02-2010, 03:35 PM
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All parents deserve a life. I've been able to continue to honor my individuality since Day 1 of becoming a parent, because I have an involved, eager partner who values time with our children and subscribes to our family value that it's okay and even healthy for each parent to pursue his/her own interests on occasion.

If either one of us were participating in a hobby to the extent that we were unable to perform our family duties and we felt unable or unwilling to change our behavior, counseling would be in order.

DH+Me 1994 heartbeat.gif DS 2004 heartbeat.gif DD 2008 heartbeat.gif DDog 2014
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