Do you lie to your children? Toy store related - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 80 Old 07-31-2010, 09:47 AM
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I just tell my kids that they need to add whatever they want to their birthday/christmas list. I also tell them, "I don't have enough money right now to buy this. But, maybe next week, we can get it!" If they remember that toy in a week (I hardly ever take them down the toy section) then I'll consider purchasing it...but usually, they totally forget. I do have to say, not having regular TV (we don't get any channels, just a TV for mommy-approved movies) helps as they are not being inundated with commercials of everything that they must have right now to make them happy, popular, etc.
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#62 of 80 Old 07-31-2010, 11:21 AM - Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by nina_yyc View Post
Hmmmm. I thought I was going to come here and say I don't lie and I never lie to my child, but then I realized that I do. I've told her that pop is an adult drink because I don't want her to have it. It comes up very rarely and neither DH or I drink it, but occasionally we'll have guests who do. I guess it's just a lie of convenience because she has no problem accepting that she doesn't get beer or coffee, but juice and iced tea used to be an issue. Now we have a junk food policy that we set together at a family meeting, which cuts the whining dramatically, so maybe at some point I should explain that it's just junk food, really bad junk food. Sigh. Why did I choose to parent the hard way???

Another lie I've told: babies don't watch TV. Our baby doesn't. Ooops. Possibly I should rectify this one before they go to the day home in December. Thanks for the heads up.

Your post made me laugh because in the household where I was raised soda is an adult drink and babies don't watch tv. I don't think those are lies. It's true based on how you choose to run your household
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#63 of 80 Old 07-31-2010, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by NellieKatz View Post
I was thinking about this question and I wonder if it has to do with discomfort at their own hypocrisy. What I mean is, if the parent can reach out and grab any impulse purchase that they want, and if they are the kind who is constantly buying themselves "toys," but the kid cannot, there's a bit of a double standard there.

I agree with this, and so I don't buy things for myself that I don't need unless we all can have a treat that we don't need that day. I think that's fair. Actually, I don't tend to even go to the mall without a plan to buy something that we don't need. But if we do for some reason go and look at toys and not buy something, then I just say "you can play with it while we are here but we aren't going to buy it" and that's never failed me, nor has it caused any uproar out of my 2 year old. he just says "okay" and then that's that.
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#64 of 80 Old 07-31-2010, 02:19 PM
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Originally Posted by lmk1 View Post
No, I never do that. What I do is let ds pick up something that he wants, and let him know he can hold it while we're in the store, but we have to put it back before we leave. I repeat a couple of times, so there's no misunderstanding "We are not going to buy it." I ask him if he wants to hold on to it for a little bit or wants to put it back right away, and he'll usually want to hold on to it. Then before we go to the cashier, we go back together, and he puts it away. So far, it's worked great, because we avoid having a power struggle, there are no tears usually, and he puts whatever it is back does mean an extra trip (and sometimes to a far away aisle like in Costco), but I don't feel like lying to my son would teach him anything...except that he can't trust my word.
He's about 2.75 and he does have a little "piggie" bank where he collects coins, and is familiar with the idea that he needs those coins to give to the cashier when he buys himself a toy (usually the cheap $1 cars).
This is exactly what we've been doing. So far it's working.

FWIW, I think the scenario the OP posted is awful. What kind of lessons is that little girl going to learn? Definitely not limits or patience or planning or the value of money...I'm just imagining the lack of trust that's going to develop when this little girl figures it out. Yikes! I'd rather DS throw a tantrum in the store than have to unlearn bad habits and trust issues.
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#65 of 80 Old 07-31-2010, 03:14 PM
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that would never work for my ds... we go to sun harvest ( a natural foods store) to get his dairy free cheese, and he fell in love with the melissa and doug barn- i told him we'd get it with my tax money. he was just shy of 2.5 then...

the next time we went tosun harvest was 3-4 months later, and the first thing he said when we pulled into the parking lot was " i get my animal house from sun harvest!!!" i had totally forgotten about it by that point

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#66 of 80 Old 07-31-2010, 05:23 PM
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Before I read the OP, I thought I was going to come on here and admit that yes, I do lie to my son. Little white lies, here and there, b/c it's easier than having to fight or explain that we can't do something at a particular moment while we're out. (Like, there's no place around here to buy French fries for lunch, so we'll have to go home and have a delicious lunch there, instead or we don't have time (where we COULD, but I prefer not to have time)... kind of lies.)

But what the OP describes is much more contrived and rude to the people at the store who then have to restock an entire shopping cart just b/c this woman refuses to have any authority over her kids. I'm not a "show 'em who's boss" kind of person, but ultimately she is the decision-maker about those types of things and she needs to make it clear, instead of expecting a stranger to do the dirty work for her.
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#67 of 80 Old 07-31-2010, 07:38 PM
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My sister had a tendancy to say "later" to requests then never ever get back to the thing she said "later" about. The result of this was a child who always had a temper tantrum saying "no now! NOW!" whenever any one told him something would happen later.

Originally Posted by buttercup784ever View Post
Hmmm, I'm interested in the people who are of the opinion that you shouldn't carry something around in a store unless you're planning on buying it. Is this just because your child will mess up the packaging like one poster commented, or is there some other reason that I'm missing?

I only ask because when I'm shopping for clothes or toys with my kids we often do just that. Not so much so my kids can "have" something in the store, but if they are picking something out a lot of times they want to mull over the decision. Having the toy in the cart is easier than going back and forth in a busy toy store while they decide which one they want. I've never put a toy back on a shelf in less than pristine condition, but my kids are older. I'd have a big problem if one of the slobbered on something!
I don't let DS play with toys at the store. I do let him look at and think about possible purchases though. I've actually been encouraging him to be a wiser consumer and to think over possible purchases more carefully and not just grab the first thing from the shelf that strikes his fancy.

Last week we were at a shop where GP offered to get DS a souvenir (we were on a trip.) DS and I took five or six items off the shelf to consider, I didn't let him open the boxes (he wanted to) and we put the rejected items back where they had come from.

A couple of days ago we were at the used book store to get a children's dictionary and the store owner pulled out 5 books knowing we would only be buying one. I looked through all 5 with DS. When we had selected the one we wanted I asked the owner what we should do with the rejects and he said to just leaves them on the couch (the shelf was over my head, b/c I'm short.)

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#68 of 80 Old 07-31-2010, 07:54 PM
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no, that's inconsiderate because then the employees have to restock all that stuff. I just tell ds, "no." we rarely go to an actual toy store but I will often reward good behavior with a trinket from goodwill or dollar tree. the latest craze is silly bandz which works out since they are only a coulpe bucks a pack, but even then if I'm not buying it it doesnt go in the cart.

Plus I try to be more authentic than that....I will usually explain to ds why the answer is no. I will tell him, " I didn't bring enough money to buy that today," or "that's a big toy that we don't have room for." or simply "you have been getting a lot of new things lately and we already have enough." To me that is teaching him a life lesson vs. lying to placate him because it's the easy way out.

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#69 of 80 Old 08-01-2010, 12:38 PM
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Besides being bizarre lie what a crappy thing to do the poor employees who have to clean up all that stuff!!!

My kids have never begged for stuff in a store. Probably because I have never given them the impression that we go into a store willy nilly and just buy stuff without planning to buy it first. I am not much of a shopper. Certainly not fun with kids in tow. but occasionally we will go into a store just to paw over all the things that we daydream about owning one day. The answer has always been "no, not today. You should save your money or put it on your birthday list." But they also don't see me loading up a cart with things I want (well, you know, things other than cheerios, toilet paper etc) so I don't think loading up a cart with things they want has ever really been something they would think to do. They know going in that unless we have discussed picking something out (and likely something specific) chances are nothing is coming out. they can tell me a million times "Oh my gosh this is so cool!!" and I will tell them what i think of such and such a toy or gadget. We talk about it but I do not mistake their enthusiasm for a request (I say stuff is cool all the time, it doesn't mean I want to part with money to own it . i just think it is cool.)

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#70 of 80 Old 08-01-2010, 01:38 PM
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My dds (4.75) never ever asked to buy stuff when we went into stores and I, of course, thought it was my good restrained example. Then this summer we needed some shorts and I took them so they could try on. Out of the blue it was "Can I have this?" about every sparkly shiny thing they saw. My answer was a "no, we came for shorts today," or "you can put it on a list to remember for when we need it" and there weren't any melt downs, but it was surprising to me.

Anyway, I try really hard not to lie to dds about even the little things or use white lies with others to make my life not realted to dds with them easier. You never know when or what they're going to figure out and a little lie to me might be a huge thing to them. I don't want to set that example
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#71 of 80 Old 08-02-2010, 01:35 PM
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There are a lot of factors involved. How old is the little girl?

DS is still pretty young and distractable. I can't imagine telling the cashier we would be back later to pick up toys (intending it as an outright lie), but I can certainly imagine telling DS that we are not buying it now, and I could imagine telling DS if I would get something for his birthday/Christmas.

I do try to make a mental note of the things he likes at toy stores and such, so that we can get them as gifts or make suggestions when grandparents ask. Last year we let him spend half of the money that he received for Christmas, and I was not very surprised that he picked out a toy he had played with in the grocery store.

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#72 of 80 Old 08-02-2010, 03:40 PM
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I always strive to give the truth to my kids. I expect nothing less form them. I honour every promise, and my word is my deed. Thats what i want to teach them too.

When it comes to the above situation, i explain why we cant get this toy *now*. I say, maybe we can get that one another time, or, i dont like that toy very much because it isnt good for your mind/soul/body/whatever....but if you really want it, lets think about it, and get it another time. etc etc.

Often my 2yo wants to hold toys, so i say, 'you can hold it, but we are not buying it today' .....

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#73 of 80 Old 08-02-2010, 04:00 PM
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I just say we'll put that on your birthday/Christmas list.

I wouldn't lie like that.

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#74 of 80 Old 08-02-2010, 11:37 PM
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I cannot think of one instance that I have blatantly lied to my three year old, other than Santa Claus and little silly things. Nothing that would break his trust in me.

I do not buy toys other than for holidays other than the occasional $1 puzzle, coloring book, and those are usually a reward and sometimes a bribe. When my son wants something in the store, I flat out say no. If it's something like a book, I let him hold onto it and look through it as we go through the store but take him put it back before we leave. It seem as if he recognizes that he really does not need the item after the initial appeal of it wears off before we are even out of the store.

I don't think it is wise to tell a child they are coming back for toys, because not only is lying to them breaking trust, but they are going to expect to get something on every trip to the store and everywhere else in life for no reason.
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#75 of 80 Old 08-05-2010, 01:21 AM
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I'd never do that. I explain the reason why I won't buy the toy--too expensive, have enough stuff, poorly made, whatever. IMO lying just kicks the can down the road and I want to avoid a PIA whenever possible. I have a 5 and 2 y/o and that's worked for me so far.
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#76 of 80 Old 08-05-2010, 01:41 AM
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No, I don't lie to my son. He is almost four and has a great memory. He has held me to my promises. Like when we ran out of cartoon bandaids, I told him he could pick out bandaids next time we went to the store, sure enough he remembered.

I tell him no if he can't have something. Usually phrased as "That isn't on our list" he is really big on lists right now and if I tell him everything we are getting at the store he reminds me. "we are here to get a present for ----" or "your birthday is soon, maybe for your birthday" -which has worked for the last few months. Etc. For his birthday there is only one item he has consistently wanted and it is in my closet.

I do tell him we don't have money for ice cream because the ice cream place is across from his preschool and only takes cash and honestly I don't usually have cash. Or I promise to take him on Friday, which I usually do.

The last meltdown we had was at Target picking out a present for his classmate's birthday party. I was not about to buy his friend a toy I wouldn't buy for my son. Like transformers or action figures from movies that he isn't allowed to watch. So his friend got what I thought was a cool Trio set that had a cement mixer. My son was carried out of the store crying. It happens sometimes.

I know certain things need to be set as a precedent. If I give in to my son on something, the next 10-20 times I try to uphold it, then it will be a battle. If I don't give in at first it usually isn't an issue later. Like standing on the shopping cart, not allowed.

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#77 of 80 Old 08-05-2010, 07:54 PM
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MY best friend works at the Toys R Us near our hometown. I think that if someone did what the OP was describing she'd be pissed off. That's a whole extra cart of stuff to put away again for no reason. I get the peacekeeping part of it though...

We tell the girls "no" or "maybe next time" or something like that the few times we taken them in (usually for BFF's schedule or paycheck or something. Not actually shopping.)

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#78 of 80 Old 08-05-2010, 10:11 PM
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I haven't read the whole thread, but that's definitely not something I'd do. I don't remember the last time we were in an actual toy store, but even at places with toys, my kids have always known they don't get to buy something all the time, not even most of the time. Actually, we only ever buy new toys for birthdays or Christmas, and then only if I can't find it in good shape secondhand. I'm cheap

I can actually remember a time we were with my aunt and younger cousins, and she asked if we could run into Walmart on the way home. She didn't mention it was b/c she had told her kids they could each pick out a new toy. I would have waited in the car, honestly. There was no way we could have afforded a new toy at that time. Anyway, my boys were 21 months, and just turned 3. While we walked around, my oldest kept saying "We're not buying that (insert toy he liked) today, sorry." Over and over. It was somewhat heartbreaking, but also, I admit, I was somewhat proud that he seemed to get it and be ok at such a young age.

Anyway, now that they're a bit older, we talk a good deal about money. They know we don't always have "toy money" because we need to use our money for other things. We do frequent flea markets and thrift stores, and occasionally we'll give them each $1 for something there. The oldest is 5 now, and I can only remember one tantrum from any of my kids (over a helicopter, that I then suggested to someone as a bday gift for him - guess how often he used it?? )

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#79 of 80 Old 08-05-2010, 10:44 PM
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We have told our kids white lies. To cover up stuff like b-day presents.

What that mom did to that child was wrong and rude.
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#80 of 80 Old 08-06-2010, 12:18 AM
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Quite simply, that scenario breaks two of our household rules:

If you promise, follow through.


Do your best not to create extra work for others.

Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
The other thing that drives me nuts about this kind of scenario is that kids don't learn anything! I very occasionally let my kids have a pop in a restaurant or something. I have no problem with saying simply that they can't have Coke/Pepsi, because those contain caffeine, so if they'd like a root beer or Sprit/7Up, they can have that. I want them to learn why I do things, and make the choices I make, not just lay down the law. I'm supposed to be teaching them!
Yeah, my son is 3.5yo and he's known about junk food since he was 2. He knows WHY he can't have beer, coffee, or soda. How can we expect them to make healthy choices if everything is always so arbitrary?

Originally Posted by NYCVeg View Post
Hmmm...I'm not sure I buy this. We're not rich by any stretch, but we're reasonably comfortable. We sometimes buy things for ourselves "just because" and we sometimes buy things for dd "just because." That doesn't mean that she has the expectation that she'll get something every time we go to a toy store, nor does it mean I feel any guilt about saying "no." I also don't feel any guilt about saying "yes"! We CAN buy things "frivolously" and, you know what? Sometimes it's fun to just buy your kid a present for no reason.

That doesn't mean we're raising a child with an entitlement complex. We've never had any problems with tantrums or whining to buy stuff in the toy store. Dd simply knows that sometimes she might get something and sometimes not--just as we know it ourselves.
I agree with this. And this is also the reason that I rarely go in the toy store unless I have the intention of buying him something (so, not very often). We do "fun purchases" because I like toys too, and I like having new things to play with with my kids.

Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
I wouldn't go that far. I have lied to my kids. Mostly it's to relieve anxiety. Sometimes my kids just need to hear "no, that's not going to happen" so they can feel safe. Reality is, I don't know that it's not going to happen, but I know that it is highly unlikely.
Yep, I do this too. I've told my kids they won't get struck by lightning and the scary guy at the store won't kidnap them, but my kids would never sleep if I told them the truth about those things.

I have also let my son believe things he's come up with on his own as well, like when I say "no" to something at the store and he comes up with his own reason why we can't have it, sometimes I just leave it at that, even if it's not quite the reason I had in mind.

Originally Posted by buttercup784ever View Post
Hmmm, I'm interested in the people who are of the opinion that you shouldn't carry something around in a store unless you're planning on buying it. Is this just because your child will mess up the packaging like one poster commented, or is there some other reason that I'm missing?
Yeah, I'm sure it works okay for some people, but no matter how many times I tell my kid that we're not going to get something that he's holding on to, he still throws a raging tantrum when we have to put it back. For us, the reason not to carry it around is to not get attached to it.
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