Do you lie to your children? Toy store related - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 08:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yesterday a little girl whined to her mom about buying her this and that at the toy store. She picked up everything she wanted and threw it in the shopping cart. When they got to the register the mother told the cashier to please hold the toys for her daughter as they would be picking them up later and winked at the cashier. She paid for her other items and told the little girl they would come back later to get them.

Do you do this with your children? When I was a child my mother would just tell me no, you can't have that or "we're not buying that today." and that was it.

I'm just curious to see if other parents are doing this with their kids to avoid paying for items.
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#2 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 08:56 AM
 
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Definetly don't do that. If we're at the goodwill, I'll often let ds1 pick out a new car (they're like 33 cents...), but other than that I honestly can't think of the last time we went to a toystore for him to just pick something out.
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#3 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 09:02 AM
 
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No, I wouldn't do that. DD knows that she will have times when she is able to pick a toy or something out and we will buy it.
Sometimes she will say "can we get this?" over and over, not whiny but just asking, lol and I will say no, not today, so she moves on to the next. That's usually in the grocery store, though.
I would never lie to her because she will remember it and I don't want to break her trust.

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#4 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 09:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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No, I wouldn't do that. DD knows that she will have times when she is able to pick a toy or something out and we will buy it.
Sometimes she will say "can we get this?" over and over, not whiny but just asking, lol and I will say no, not today, so she moves on to the next. That's usually in the grocery store, though.
I would never lie to her because she will remember it and I don't want to break her trust.
See, that's my thinking. I asked DH what he thought about this and he told me he's against it and hearing the no once in a while isn't a bad thing growing up. I don't like the idea of lying.

I've been fortunate. Maybe DD isnt' yet at that age to want everything she sees. I tried not to judge the parent in the store (I work on being non judgemental everyday!) but I did a little for lying
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#5 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 09:11 AM
 
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my kids don't really ask for much but they do like touching everything. ( I must ad we buy most toys 2nd hand) But when they ask for something when we are at a regular store i usually say no, and tell them they are for other kids. They seem to understand and don't ask again.

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#6 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 09:18 AM
 
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How bizarre, no I have never done that.
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#7 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 09:21 AM
 
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I don't say outright NO too often. But I will say, let's make list of everything you like here for Christmas or your birthday! And I will join in the excitement of everything with her and try not to make her feel bad for wanting.

We actually went to the American Girl store in NYC yesterday and that was pretty much the scene--lots of oohing and ahhing and in the end her grandma bought her an outfit and later that night in bed she told about two things in the store that really made an impression on her.

With my DD, at 5, I'm not really sure that it's actually that she wants me to BUY everything for her, or that she really needs to have all those things--I think it's more that she wants to express enthusiasm and asking for me to buy it is her way of getting my attention. Last week we were at the Disney store in the mall (yuck) and I told her we were just there to look, and she was ok with that. But if she picks something up and wants it, I don't turn it into "no", I respond with "not now".
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#8 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 10:43 AM
 
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Errr, no. We explain to the guys that we're going into whatever store to get whatever item and that's it. Oldest might comment on things he might like for his birthday or whatever, and sometimes I've had to wrestle 2 year old out of there kicking and screaming, but all in all, they know that they don't get to pile things in the cart and they will be bought.

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#9 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 10:52 AM
 
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That's really weird, and kind of sad to me. I have, however, told DD that we might come back to a store to get it another day, but that one's bitten me in the tush, since she's got a mind like a steel trap. She still occasionally sees this crappy Tinkerbell hair and makeup set that we ran across over a year ago and will say, "Remember when we saw this at such and such store and you said...?" Or, she'll give me this elaborate explanation with "OK, we'll call this Target 'Target A" and the Target near Baba's house 'Target B,' and remember one time we were at 'Target B' and we saw the kit with the cape and the gloves and I didn't have enough money for it..."

Yikes.

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#10 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 10:55 AM
 
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No, I never do that. What I do is let ds pick up something that he wants, and let him know he can hold it while we're in the store, but we have to put it back before we leave. I repeat a couple of times, so there's no misunderstanding "We are not going to buy it." I ask him if he wants to hold on to it for a little bit or wants to put it back right away, and he'll usually want to hold on to it. Then before we go to the cashier, we go back together, and he puts it away. So far, it's worked great, because we avoid having a power struggle, there are no tears usually, and he puts whatever it is back himself...it does mean an extra trip (and sometimes to a far away aisle like in Costco), but I don't feel like lying to my son would teach him anything...except that he can't trust my word.
He's about 2.75 and he does have a little "piggie" bank where he collects coins, and is familiar with the idea that he needs those coins to give to the cashier when he buys himself a toy (usually the cheap $1 cars).
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#11 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 10:56 AM
 
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I call that "I'll deal with this later" parenting. I'll do or say something NOW that I know is going to come back on me later, but I'll worry about that some other time. And no, I don't do it. For one thing, it's kind of mean. It's breaking your child's trust and it's just asking for a MAJOR melt down later. It's just unfair all around.

In stores, my daughter loves loves LOVES to look at all the toys they have, she can't focus on one for wanting to make sure she gets to see all of them. She will sometimes ask for things, but we tell her to put that on her list of maybes for Christmas or birthday, or if we have a birthday party coming up for someone else we'll tell her to see which one that person might like. That seems to satisfy her impulse to interact with every single toy in the store.

It's actually my husband who has to be told no. He wants to buy everything she even sort of looks at and that's not practical, nor can we afford it, and we certainly don't have anyplace to put all that stuff.
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#12 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 10:57 AM
 
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I wouldn't do that. I just tell the kids "we're not buying toys today. We need to get blahblah" and then we do that.

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#13 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 11:06 AM
 
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That seems like a total betrayal of the child's trust. No, I would not do that to my DS.

I just wonder what the point is to the whole charade? What on earth is the mom going to do when her DD wants to go back to the store for the toys? Or maybe she's hoping the DD will just forget about them once they left?

On a positive (um, naive?) note...maybe she actually was intending to come back later for the toys...?

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#14 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 11:09 AM
 
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Ugh, no way.

One thing I do to defer the never-ending request for toys (thank you very much corporate America) is to tell DD to keep the toy in mind for when Grandma comes next month. Grandma loves to take DD to WalMart and let her pick out whatever she wants. I can't say I'm 100% thrilled with this, but whatever. But my point is, over the course of a month she might decide she wants 100 toys but she's willing to wait for Grandma and prioritize what she wants. She will probably come home with 5 or so toys.

It's not at all a lie, though it's a deferrment rather than a no. She's happy enough to wait, thankfully - especially because I remind her she can pick WHATEVER SHE WANTS.

Actually, it works for longer than a month. I started telling her this in May and Grandma doesn't come till end of August. LOL. But she knows this, no lies or deception involved.

I do sorta get how some kids just want what they see NOW and will forget about it by the time they get to the car. So this girl might have been like that. But even then, I wouldn't lie - I'd say "we'll discuss it" or "maybe next time" (MAYBE). Now that I think about it, I've used "maybe next time" plenty of times, with no intention of following through - but DD doesn't ever bring it up again. DD knows "maybe" is not "set in stone."

I even do that to myself... something in a store can be so tempting and you think it will, like, change your life if you have it. If I can tell myself "maybe next time" I can put it to the test. 99 out of 100 times I'll forget all about it. Maybe 1 time I might find myself continuing to think about it. So I might actually get it in that case. Next time. Maybe.

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#15 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 11:30 AM
 
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I can't really think of a time when I lied to my kids like that (for us, giving them an allowance from the time they are 3 works - I can always say, "Yes, if you have the money for it." Works great!) But I know I've made questionable parenting choices in public before to avoid subjecting innocent bystanders to my son's temper.

Who knows - maybe this is something the mom is working on with the child, and just couldn't deal with that day. If she tells the truth all the time, and lies once or twice about something small like this, I have a hard time believing that it will really damage the child's trust.
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#16 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 11:30 AM
 
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DS is still kind of young, but I cannot ever picture myself doing that. What the heck? Why would I expect my kid to ever believe me ever again if I did that?


Quote:
Originally Posted by madskye View Post
I don't say outright NO too often. But I will say, let's make list of everything you like here for Christmas or your birthday! And I will join in the excitement of everything with her and try not to make her feel bad for wanting.
I like this. Thank you.

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#17 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 11:53 AM
 
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Another no way, no how would I do that. I like going to the local toy store with my kids, I think it's fun. But we don't get things most of the time. We play, we look, and then we put toys back with their "friends" on the shelf and go home.
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#18 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 11:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by simplemama32 View Post
That seems like a total betrayal of the child's trust. No, I would not do that to my DS.

I just wonder what the point is to the whole charade? What on earth is the mom going to do when her DD wants to go back to the store for the toys? Or maybe she's hoping the DD will just forget about them once they left?

On a positive (um, naive?) note...maybe she actually was intending to come back later for the toys...?
I kinda figure she doesn't want a scene in front of other people, and once they are at home, she won't mind saying no to her DD. But that's cynical of me, I know.
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#19 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 11:58 AM
 
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No way. I think my kid is smarter than that. Total betrayal of trust, you know.
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#20 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 12:10 PM
 
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My dd says the entire time " Oh, can I have that for my birthday/christmas" and I still say "we'll see, you can't have everything". Unless I tell her that we're buying her something as a reward for something she knows without asking the answer is NO! If I go into a toy store or down a toy aisle it is for a purpose and not just to look cause honestly I don't have time to just look at crap. I tell her what the purpose is "we have to buy a birthday present for Sara" and then go down the aisle. I don't understand that reasoning.
Now do I lie about somethings? Sure. Like, your gammy's really silly as oppossed to your gammy's off her rocker crazy.

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#21 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 12:11 PM
 
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I have never and would never do or say something like that. I want my son's to understand that when I say no I mean it and they aren't allowed to argue with me about it. I am also the parent who when I found one of my young children had put something in the bottom of the stroller I explained that they had stolen the item and needed to return it to the store manager and say sorry. It worked a treat and has not had to be done again!
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#22 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 01:01 PM
 
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That is horrifying! I would never in one million years do that. We need to have a strong bond of trust, and here's the finer point....even if there is no way the child is going to find out about something, I still won't lie, because of what it does inside of ME. In other words, when we start trafficking in trickery to manipulate our kids, it's a slippery slope. Not to mention how much it hurts the child. How is she supposed to believe her mother in the future?

Appalling.
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#23 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 02:13 PM
 
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definitely not! from the time they're very young, i let them hold toys at the store and then say "time to put it back!" so they are taught early that we don't get everything we look at and we don't ask for things at the store. it seems to work quite nicely.

i wonder if that mom does that all the time???? what a pain in the butt, esp. for the cashier who has to put it all away.

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#24 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 02:20 PM
 
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No. I definitely wouldn't do that, and never have.

I just say, "no - we're here to get a gift for J's party", or "well, you can put it on your list and ask for it for Christmas", or...whatever.

Honestly, my kids each get about 5-6 toys on their birthdays, and another 5-6 at Christmas. I don't think they need any more than that (that's more than enough, really). I may pick up another can of PlayDoh "each" (ie. they each pick a colour, but they'll be played with communally) once in a while, but that's about it.

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#25 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 02:25 PM
 
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Yeah, that's not cool. It's one thing to do a "Maybe next time." where you have no intention of considering it next time. I would try not to do that, but I can at least understand that if the child just needs deflected until the toy is out of sight for a bit. I really appreciate all the other ideas in this thread though, I'm mentally taking note for when DD is older and deferring it to a birthday or Christmas list is a great idea, I try to use that on DH now, but it rarely works

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#26 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 02:26 PM
 
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that's not only betraying the child's trust, but also making a total mess for the workers at the store to put back. that is positively rude!

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#27 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 03:07 PM
 
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Just as a followup (since my earlier reply was about the lying to the kid, not the shopping dilemma)....for the first few years of my child's life, we treated toy stores more like museums. We would go to them with the objective of playing with and looking at the toys, and we'd always just put them back on the shelf. I made a point of never letting him SEE me buy a toy. (except at yard sales) That's an important point. For years, he just never made the connection! The store was a place to have fun, and I'd let him carry and play with toys in the cart while I shopped, but then we'd just put them back and it was never a problem because he didn't know there was another option! LOL!!!! I saved myself a lot of trouble this way. Obviously now that he is 7, those days are gone, and we do have our challenges. But now he has an allowance so he's told he can save up for the smaller toys, and with the bigger ones, we just acknowledge that we can add them to his "wish list" for the holidays. Usually by the time that holiday rolls around, he has a totally new set of interests anyway.
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#28 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 03:21 PM
 
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Oh dear. I don't understand why parents are fearful of telling their children "no." My children get gifts for birthday and Christmas. When their grandparents visit, they get gifts from them. That's it. I'm certainly not going to toss a toy into my shopping cart every time we go to Target; we would very much like for our children to grow up to be financially responsible and at a very young age have taught them about saving and budgeting.

I've been in a toystore with my children while shopping for a gift and when they ask, I tell them, "No." I actually tell them long before we get to the store, "We are at the toystore to buy something for J's party. Please do not ask me to buy you any toys." They have opportunities to earn money at home and may spend their money on what they wish.

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#29 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 03:30 PM
 
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no i dont, and i cant imagine any mom here on MDC saying they would do the same as that parent.

actually neither would i find a parent here on MDC saying they lie to their children.

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#30 of 80 Old 07-29-2010, 03:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by LittleBattleAxe View Post
Oh dear. I don't understand why parents are fearful of telling their children "no." .
I was thinking about this question and I wonder if it has to do with discomfort at their own hypocrisy. What I mean is, if the parent can reach out and grab any impulse purchase that they want, and if they are the kind who is constantly buying themselves "toys," but the kid cannot, there's a bit of a double standard there.

With my guy, admittedly my tactic (above) of just never buying toys with him accomplished one thing--it made it easier on me. I never had to field the requests, respond to tantrums, whatever. But on the other hand it had another benefit. I was also teaching him something that is important to us to this day (now that he's old enough & we discuss things together), and that is: just because it's fun, or adorable, or we like it, or it's even useful, or even a bargain, does NOT mean we have to OWN it. We don't have to OWN everything that we like. We can enjoy it in the moment and put it back. This is very important, as I am teaching him our family values of not being rampantly consumeristic.

He sees me picking up things that I want, but that either I don't need, can't afford, don't have space for, etc., and he sees me putting them back on the rack. Same principles apply to him.

The point is that he learned early on that we don't need to OWN everything that we enjoy. Some stuff can just stay at the store.

In the original post, I wonder if that mom had been one of those who doesn't deny herself frivolous impulse purchases and buys herself lots of "toys" and maybe saying No to her child asking for the same thing puts uncomfortable pressure on her knowledge of that practice.
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