I want a surprise at birth, but my DD has a STRONG preference... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 20 Old 07-29-2010, 05:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How do I handle this? Have you been in this situation? I want a surprise at birth for the first time, but the way my 4yo DD is acting has me reconsidering.

We've already been talking about how the baby will be a little brother or little sister. She knows that if he has a penis, it's a boy, and a vulva, it's a girl! I've told her we won't know until the baby comes out.

She is beyond adamant that it's a girl. I though it would be fun to call the baby "Baby Jo" since it'll be Joseph or Joanna. But when I call the baby "Jo" DD says, "No, not Jo, it's JoANNA." I say something like, "Well, we won't know until he or she comes out. It could be a little sister or maybe another brother, we don't know yet." To which she says, "You don't know, Mommy, but I KNOW! It's a baby girl!"

Help! How should I handle this? If she keeps this up, I'm afraid of regretting not finding out at my 20wk u/s.

Laura, married to Daniel 12/16/2000
Claire b. 6/29/06 and Andrew b. 4/20/08 and #3 due 2/8/11!!
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#2 of 20 Old 07-29-2010, 06:18 PM
 
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Sorry, I don't quite understand your dilemma. Are you worried that if it's a boy she'll be upset and you want time for it to sink in? Or are you really eager to know if she's right and can't wait? Either way, I can only tell you my experience. I didn't find out for my youngest. DS wanted a boy. I wanted a girl (I can admit it now). I thought about finding out but it just didn't seem right somehow. So we had a surprise (girl ) . DS said ONE TIME 'but I wanted a brother' and that was that. He adores his sister.

Basically, my advice is do what feels right for you and your partners. If your DD is right, she will feel really proud. If she is wrong, she will get over it quickly. Good luck. So exciting!
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#3 of 20 Old 07-29-2010, 06:40 PM
 
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I think you should handle it by going along with her. "Oh, so you think it's a girl, huh? Well, we'll see." Don't make a big deal out of the fact that she might be wrong. Let her enjoy her fantasy.

But definitely do NOT find out for her. This isn't something she gets to decide. You are having the baby and you've already decided you'd like a surprise this time. Stick with it.
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#4 of 20 Old 07-29-2010, 07:22 PM
 
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My ODS thought we were having a girl. He decided to call her Pearl. I didn't let him either find out the sex OR name the baby. Those things were the grown-ups jobs' to decide!

He was totally fine meeting his little brother. He's adored having a baby in the house and hasn't once said anything about wanting a girl instead. He was 5.5 at baby's arrival, just FYI.

Gwen , partner to D ; Mamma to T (6) , J (4) , and baby P
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#5 of 20 Old 07-29-2010, 07:58 PM
 
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Ds1 always thought ds2 was a girl. He talked about "her", "she", "my baby sister", etc. It was just what he wanted. I never purposefully planted the seed and we all went to the only u/s I had and didn't find out. He was very cool with the baby being a brother. He adores his brother and is wonderful with him. I wouldn't worry about it. My way of handling the conversations would be to go along with it, just something like, "oh yes, can't wait to meet her!" And let it go. Is it topic of conversation allll day? Or maybe you are super excited to find out? If you want to know then go for it, but only for yourself, ykwim?

Mary, Mama to 3 boys! 9/05 & 8/08 & 7/12
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#6 of 20 Old 07-29-2010, 08:00 PM
 
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Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#7 of 20 Old 07-29-2010, 08:18 PM
 
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I found out with dd2 and my dd1 was part of the reason. She really, really wanted a baby girl and I wanted to prepare her if I was having a boy. DH also really wanted a girl and, if I'm honest, I did too. So in that way, I was preparing everyone.
I have never regretted finding out. (Though, I should add that dd was nervous at 16 weeks when the tech and dr THOUGHT it was a girl and that's early. She wanted to know "for sure" so finding out the first time didn't work well for her. And by the time we found out "for sure" at 20 weeks, I had gone into labor, my cervix had shortened and I was on dramatic bedrest. DH and I really, really wanted to know at that point because everything was scary and unsure. It was nice to know something for sure. )

:Mama to 2 :
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#8 of 20 Old 07-29-2010, 09:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies. I think I just needed positive stories of siblings accepting the situation when the outcome wasn't what they wanted. It's nice to hear that she'll likely get over it quickly if it's a boy.

I want a surprise, so I won't find out just for her.

Laura, married to Daniel 12/16/2000
Claire b. 6/29/06 and Andrew b. 4/20/08 and #3 due 2/8/11!!
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#9 of 20 Old 07-30-2010, 01:08 AM
 
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FWIW, I wanted a little brother desperately and got a little sister instead. This was back in the time before you could find out. I was extremely disappointed and it took me a very, very long time to get over it - I was 5 at the time. We found out with our second, mostly because we wanted to know, but also for DD1's sake - she also was convinced the baby was a girl and I wanted to be able to prepare her if it wasn't. Luckily for her she got a little sister.

Mom to Morgan 4-3-06 and announcing Baby Kelsey 4-11-10
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#10 of 20 Old 07-30-2010, 01:13 AM
 
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Sounds like a plan! To be honest, even adults are like this. One of my friends recently had a baby and chose for the sex to be a surprise. People got really adamant one way or the other that it was a boy or a girl. Now that her daughter is here, they're just all glad to meet her.

And, I think finding out might create more issues. My parents found out for all of my sisters. I really wanted a brother. When they told me it would be a sister and I protested their answer was "We really want a little girl". For years I thought they were holding out on me. I was convinced that they somehow had control over whether I got a brother or not and they just didn't "want" a brother so they kept bringing home more sisters. I think if I'd know it was a surprise even to them I might have understood better.
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#11 of 20 Old 07-30-2010, 01:17 AM
 
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My 6yo dd was almost four when I had my youngest son. She really wanted a sister when I was pregnant with him, but now she's not shy about admitting that he's her favorite brother.

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
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#12 of 20 Old 07-30-2010, 11:39 AM
 
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I think you should try to teach her to be okay with either sex but also teach her to be okay with disappointment if it's not what she wanted.

What if you were to find out & they were WRONG?
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#13 of 20 Old 07-30-2010, 11:50 AM
 
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The way you word it, it doesn't sound to me like your DD has a *preference* but that she *knows.* She might really just know with 100% certainty without it being a statement of desire. When I was a kid, I was really tuned in to birth. I predicted genders with great accuracy (I know, 50-50 chance). I also knew when the moms (human and animal, as we lived on a farm) had gone into labour. I couldn't give them dates in advance, but once they were labouring, I just knew about it for some reason. Could be your daughter is tuned in as well.
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#14 of 20 Old 07-30-2010, 12:02 PM
 
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After being surprised with my first baby I found out the gender for the second--mostly because my daughter wanted a sister and was "sure" it was going to be a brother. Well she got her sister and I realized that I much preferred the surprise at birth to knowing-- it still took my then 4 year old time to adjust to having a sibling. If a late surprise were to happen I would go with the surprise this time.
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#15 of 20 Old 07-30-2010, 12:04 PM
 
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From my experience, if she insists it is a girl, just finding out from the ultrasound will not convince her even more. My DD (3 at the time) wanted a baby sister for my youngest. We only found out because someone was gaining a roommate and we did not want to be bringing home the baby and telling someone they were gaining a person in their room. DD still told everyone she was getting a baby sister until the day her baby brother was born. She LOVES him all the same and probably secretly likes that he a boy because she has her own room instead of having to share.
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#16 of 20 Old 07-30-2010, 12:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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annie mac- you're exactly right, from the beginning, she's never stated that she *wants* a sister, only that she absolutely *knows* it's a sister. I guess we'll see.

cedoreilly- That's a great point, and now that I think about it, even if we find out it's a boy, I doubt my DD would stop trying to argue the point.

Thanks ladies. I'll just roll with it when DD insists it's a girl. Really, we're trying not to make much of an issue of it either way.

Laura, married to Daniel 12/16/2000
Claire b. 6/29/06 and Andrew b. 4/20/08 and #3 due 2/8/11!!
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#17 of 20 Old 08-01-2010, 02:49 AM
 
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My daughter had a very strong preference (not so much a 'knowledge' like you're describing, though) for a sister while I was pregnant. I was actually planning on finding out gender, but babe wouldn't co-operate. Throughout the entire pregnancy DD said over and over, "I want a sister; I won't love a brother, only a sister; I don't want a brother" etc. I was so worried that if I had a boy, she wouldn't love him (she said a lot that she won't love a brother). I ended up having a caesarean (long story), and she was waiting with my mum and MIL for him to be born. When hubby brought him into the room and announced, "It's a boy!" she replied, "I told you it was a boy!" with a huge grin on her face, and hasn't looked back since. She absolutely adores her brother, and has never once said she wishes he was a girl.

SAH Mama of two intact kiddos: Kaitlyn (31 Oct '05) and Julian (7 July '09).  signcirc1.gif

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#18 of 20 Old 08-01-2010, 12:01 PM
 
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I'm not sure I see the problem. Whether or not you find out the sex before birth is up to the parents. Not the sibling-to-be. But regardless of knowing, you get what you get. We never found out the sex of any of our children. For me, it's too much like knowing what your getting for Christmas before opening up the present. Joy did want to know for her first 2 but didn't for her 3rd. As she said, they already had one of each. Erica did find out with both of hers (2 girls; the 2nd one due in Sept). When I was pregnant with Angela, Erica was 4 and was very vocal about wanting a baby brother and not another sister. She was disappointed and had to wait for another 17 years before she got her wish. It turned out that, growing up, she was much closer to Angela than she ever was to Joy, despite being closer in age to Joy. Joy and Erica didn't bond together until Erica was pregnant with her first baby.

Chris--extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering, babywearing, co-sleeping, APing, CLW, homeschooling before any of this was a trend mom to Joy (1/78), Erica (8/80), Angela (9/84), Dylan (2/98)
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#19 of 20 Old 08-01-2010, 01:59 PM
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My DD1 was the same way when I was pregnant with DD3. She was absolutely positive it was a girl, and my suggesting that it might be a boy seemed to her like I just didn't believe her when she knew! Imagine you are going to a different state and someone asked you what color you thought the grass was going to be, and when you say it's going to be green, of course, they tell you it could be orange. It would be frustrating! We, eventually just dropped it, and everyone was surprised with our little girl at the birth, except for DD1. She acted like we were a little dim for not having believed her in the first place!

Mama to: Katie, Emily , and Abby
Not perfect, Just amazing!
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#20 of 20 Old 08-02-2010, 10:12 PM
 
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Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
I think you should handle it by going along with her. "Oh, so you think it's a girl, huh? Well, we'll see." Don't make a big deal out of the fact that she might be wrong. Let her enjoy her fantasy.

But definitely do NOT find out for her. This isn't something she gets to decide. You are having the baby and you've already decided you'd like a surprise this time. Stick with it.
This is exactly what I'd do. It's important not to belittle her ideas, but don't play into them too much either.

4's are VERY imaginitive. I was your DD's age when my mom was pregnant with my brother and sister. Like your DD, I was confident about a certain aspect of my soon-to-be-siblings, though it wasn't what sex they'd be... I was positive she was having puppies, not babies! How wrong I was...

About me: I  caffix.giftreehugger.gifcold.gifknit.gifphotosmile2.gif, and read.gif. Oh, and I'm dizzy.gif with love.gif for DH and DCx3!
 
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