Are your kids allowed to close their door? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#91 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 01:48 AM
 
phathui5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Oregon
Posts: 17,474
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
When it's just us, the kids are allowed to close their doors. The doors don't have locks on them.

When friends are over, the doors have to at least stay open partway.

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
phathui5 is offline  
#92 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 01:48 AM
 
odenata's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,055
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post
this is a really interesting discussion. It's interesting how for some people, open doors = boundary violation, while for others closed doors=dysfunctional family. I wonder how much of it comes from background and how much is personality.
I'd also be curious to know how much is cultural.

MusicianDad - great answer!
odenata is offline  
#93 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 01:49 AM
 
odenata's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,055
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Also, curious - for those who don't allow the door shut when friends are over (but do otherwise), why is that?
odenata is offline  
#94 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 04:14 AM
 
MissMaegie'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Eating a bowl of soup
Posts: 392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DS is 11, DD1 is 4.5, and DD2 is almost 2. So yes, DS shuts his door... the poor kid needs a break from his sisters every now and then! We don't let DS "hang out" with his friends in his room. We have a large rec room in the basement, so there's no need for him to entertain his friends in his bedroom. DS' room is for sleeping and private pursuits. It's HIS space. I always knock before going in. As far as what he does in there, well... as an 11-year-old, I frequently find him absentmindedly feeling "himself" while he reads or watches TV. l remind him "Hey, I don't care if you do that, but take it in your room, man!" Always good for a laugh!

DDs can shut their door, but my rule is that they must answer it when I knock. If they don't answer the door within 10 seconds or so, I open the door to check on them. At that age, if a kid doesn't answer the door it's probably because she's coloring all over her legs with a Sharpie!

About me: I  caffix.giftreehugger.gifcold.gifknit.gifphotosmile2.gif, and read.gif. Oh, and I'm dizzy.gif with love.gif for DH and DCx3!
 
MissMaegie'sMama is offline  
#95 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 08:41 AM
 
madskye's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,219
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post

this is a really interesting discussion. It's interesting how for some people, open doors = boundary violation, while for others closed doors=dysfunctional family. I wonder how much of it comes from background and how much is personality.

We have 9 month old black lab. DD needs to close her door to play with Polly Pockets on the floor or they'd be eaten up by the pooch. No real "rule" about it here or too much thought into it. But, now that I'm reading the thread--I don't completely agree with Chamomile Girl's interesting thoughts on what closed doors equal BUT--I can see how a closed door could be undesirable. How, if my 5 year old turns into a 9 year old who is shut tight in her room all the time that that could be sad and bear some discussion in our own family about why she wants to get away from us that much.

I grew up in a closed door house, and spent a lot of time alone in my room with the door closed and in hindsight--it might have been better to interact with my family more. Everyone needs privacy sometimes, absolutely! But there can be too much isolation too.
madskye is offline  
#96 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 10:12 AM
 
AllyRae's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 6,391
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by odenata View Post
Also, curious - for those who don't allow the door shut when friends are over (but do otherwise), why is that?
Well, until they moved out, the only kids in the neighborhood were a 9 year old girl and a 6 year old girl, and so that's who DS (almost 7) would have over to play. And I'm *not* going to get the reputation for allowing tween mixed gender playgroups to happen behind closed doors.

But to those that said closed doors = dysfunctional family...that is just about the weirdest thing I've ever heard of. Everyone deserves privacy. And older siblings deserve time away from the younger siblings (I was the oldest of many and hated the fact that my space was always allowed to be intruded upon by younger siblings. I couldn't even go have 20 minutes to play with my own stuff or just chill out without having someone else come in to disrupt me). Also, DS's stuff has very small parts, of which would cause the younger children to choke, so DS knows to keep his small toys in his room and if he wants to take them out of the shelf and the other children are wandering around the upstairs, he should shut his door so they can't get in and destroy it.

It's not like he's locking himself in his room for the day. But I fail to see anything wrong with going up to one's room for 30 minutes, closing the door, and having a break.

ETA: And to the poster who thinks that closing doors is the ultimate in disattached parenting... There is an attachment style called "enmeshment"--people are so intertwined that there are no boundaries what so ever. There is no privacy and "no secrets" is taken to an extreme. People can't even use the restroom in peace. Everyone is constantly in the affairs of every other person. It's an unhealthy attachment style where people can't live without knowing what every other person is doing at any moment. A little bit of privacy and respecting boundaries is the sign of HEALTHY attachment. Of course, it can go the other way where everything is a boundary and there is no communication or togetherness. But a child shutting the door for 30 minutes? That's a perfectly healthy, normal part of attachment.

~Brandon Michael (11/23/03), Jocelyn Lily Nữ (2/4/07, adopted 5/28/07 from Vietnam), Amelia Rylie (1/14/09), & Ryland Josef William (9/7/05-9/7/05 @ 41 wks). 
AllyRae is offline  
#97 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 10:26 AM
 
mamazee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: US midwest
Posts: 7,500
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I think closed doors could make a dysfunctional family more dysfunctional. On the other hand, open doors could make a dysfunctional family more dysfunctional too. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and having open doors would not have helped the dysfunction but would have come at a price of my sanity. I needed my closed door!
mamazee is offline  
#98 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 10:33 AM
 
Cukup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 27
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yes but no locking-only bathroom and toilet doors have locks and the no locking is just a safety issue.
Cukup is offline  
#99 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 10:46 AM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,635
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 62 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
My opinion is that the default ought to be that anything is OK. Really. If there's a reason to do otherwise, fine, but I think that there has to be a reason to enact a rule, not a reason to not have a rule.

I completely agree. I believe that all humans are best off making their own choices to the greatest degree possible. Some times as I parent I've found it necessary to limit my children's freedom, but I do so as seldom as a possible can, and I do it very mindfully.

I would never limit my children's freedom on a reason so flimsy as "that's how I like things."

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#100 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 10:55 AM
 
loraxc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: In the Truffula Trees
Posts: 4,480
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Well, until they moved out, the only kids in the neighborhood were a 9 year old girl and a 6 year old girl, and so that's who DS (almost 7) would have over to play. And I'm *not* going to get the reputation for allowing tween mixed gender playgroups to happen behind closed doors.
OT, but are 6yos "tweens" these days?? My 6yo is sure as heck not a tween in my eyes. Tweens are 10-12, aren't they?

Do we all really worry about mixed gender groups at this age? DD's best friend is male, and not only do they play behind shut doors, they have sleepovers. They're 6, for heaven's sake! I'm not denying that kids play doctor, but I don't know..I don't worry about it. DD has lots of information about all of that (including books that are very clear and show kids' bodies) and I don't think she is going to get involved in anything pathological.

grateful mother to DD, 1/04, and DS, 2/08

loraxc is offline  
#101 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 11:13 AM
 
AllyRae's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 6,391
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Lorax...I was talking about the 9 year old. And yeah, the 9 year old has been seen doing some rather...uh...non-appropriate things in the presence of the younger kids, including telling the younger kids to watch her "shake her butt and squat over the sprinkler" while doing "lap dance" type moves when they were playing outside (I put a stop to that one real quick. Not sure where someone that young learns *that*, but she knew it), and telling ds that he has to kiss her on the lips. I love that girl, but I will not allow "behind closed doors" playgroups, especially with her being so much closer to pre-teen ness (she also doesn't have the most stable homelife, and is moved around a lot due to her mom's relationships, and her female role models are pregnant 15/16 year olds... I don't alienate her, but I do take precautions. My child has autism and doesn't always "get" that he shouldn't do something if told to do it by another child. If it were just the 2 six year olds, yeah, I'd probably allow the door shut for a couple more years.

Which is a good example of why blanket statements like "closed doors = dysfunctional" are not right...each circumstance is different.

~Brandon Michael (11/23/03), Jocelyn Lily Nữ (2/4/07, adopted 5/28/07 from Vietnam), Amelia Rylie (1/14/09), & Ryland Josef William (9/7/05-9/7/05 @ 41 wks). 
AllyRae is offline  
#102 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 01:15 PM
 
montlake's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 224
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have a teen and he is allowed to keep his door closed at night. During the day it stays open (except for obvious times like changing or whatever but if he is just in there reading or playing games it's open) but that is recent and due to newly diagnosed chronic illness and wanting to be sure I know if something happens. Once his medications are worked out and we know what the side effects are, and everyone knows what to expect he will be allowed to go back to closing it when he wants. (Still letting him close it at night because all the household pets want to sleep in there and keep him up all night otherwise.) I would feel absolute misery if I were not allowed to close my door.
montlake is offline  
#103 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 01:43 PM
 
lolar2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 6,579
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yes, although he's three and usually doesn't want it closed. It also is easy to unlock his door from the outside, so he could lock it if he wanted without any problems (though he hasn't tried).
lolar2 is offline  
#104 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 02:35 PM
 
lilyka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sioux Falls, SD
Posts: 18,301
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllyRae View Post
Lorax...I was talking about the 9 year old. And yeah, the 9 year old has been seen doing some rather...uh...non-appropriate things in the presence of the younger kids, including telling the younger kids to watch her "shake her butt and squat over the sprinkler" while doing "lap dance" type moves when they were playing outside (I put a stop to that one real quick. Not sure where someone that young learns *that*, but she knew it),
Honestly I wouldn't bee to concerned about that. I have seen hundreds of kids play like this with sprinklers (sprinkler park at a public pool and in peoples yard). There is just something about sprinklers spraying up that makes kids want to squat and wiggle over them.... Cracks me up every time. I don't allow my children to do it but I don't make a big deal over it either.

But even though now I consider my kids old enough to play in their rooms with their doors closed I still don't let them close them all the way when friends are over. You just don't know other peoples kids.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

lilyka is offline  
#105 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 02:41 PM
 
mamazee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: US midwest
Posts: 7,500
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
My 8-year-old does that, and it isn't fair to characterize it as a "lap dance move." I don't like seeing normal child behavior sexualized. It's more of a potty humor move. She knows nothing about lap dancing, but she is well versed at potty humor.
mamazee is offline  
#106 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 03:11 PM
 
treeoflife3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: tennessee/kentucky
Posts: 1,513
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by loraxc View Post
OT, but are 6yos "tweens" these days?? My 6yo is sure as heck not a tween in my eyes. Tweens are 10-12, aren't they?

Do we all really worry about mixed gender groups at this age? DD's best friend is male, and not only do they play behind shut doors, they have sleepovers. They're 6, for heaven's sake! I'm not denying that kids play doctor, but I don't know..I don't worry about it. DD has lots of information about all of that (including books that are very clear and show kids' bodies) and I don't think she is going to get involved in anything pathological.
you probably don't want to hear about what I was doing at 6....
treeoflife3 is offline  
#107 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 03:18 PM
 
AllyRae's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 6,391
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
My 8-year-old does that, and it isn't fair to characterize it as a "lap dance move." I don't like seeing normal child behavior sexualized. It's more of a potty humor move. She knows nothing about lap dancing, but she is well versed at potty humor.

If you didn't witness what I was watching, then it's unfair of *you* to say that. I know what I was watching, and I know what this girl was imitating. Like I said, her role models aren't the best. I actually had to call her mother and tell her I was sending the child home after 3 incidents that were very much sexualized. Not every 9 year old is as innocent as we'd like them to be. There are 9 year olds that are capable of knowing what, and imitating, adult sexual behavior. There are tweens that are pregnant.

Normal 9 year old behavior is *not* the type of dancing I saw and had to put a stop to.

Like I said, every situation is different. And as long as I allow the child into my home (because you know, she could use a few more female role models in her life....), I will adapt the rules to keep the other children safe.

I'm not saying this child is a perverted deviant. I am saying that it seems that she has witnessed behavior that is not at all appropriate for younger children to see, and she was imitating it.

Oddly enough, I lived in another neighborhood where the tween knew what Adult Swim was and would repeat things she heard on it. So, while our children might be pure and innocent, unfortunately not every child grows up that way.

Anyhow, tangent. But, I didn't want you thinking I was sexualizing a 9 year old. In fact, I was actually very saddened by the fact I saw a 9 year old actually engaging in sexual behaviors around 2 six year olds. And I promised her mom that from now on, there will be at least 1 adult supervising play at all times, or at least the children would know that an adult can and will check in on them at any interval, and no closed doors. And I did that for not only my child's protection, but for my own...it's not like I really want the kids to go to their mom and say "well SHE let me do it!"

~Brandon Michael (11/23/03), Jocelyn Lily Nữ (2/4/07, adopted 5/28/07 from Vietnam), Amelia Rylie (1/14/09), & Ryland Josef William (9/7/05-9/7/05 @ 41 wks). 
AllyRae is offline  
#108 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 03:28 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,635
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 62 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllyRae View Post
Like I said, every situation is different. And as long as I allow the child into my home (because you know, she could use a few more female role models in her life....), I will adapt the rules to keep the other children safe.
That's kinda how we ended up with the "when child X is over, doors must be open" rule.

Quote:
Oddly enough, I lived in another neighborhood where the tween knew what Adult Swim was and would repeat things she heard on it. So, while our children might be pure and innocent, unfortunately not every child grows up that way.
There are no secrets from middle schoolers who ride the bus. For me, that's not a reason to have my middle school keep her door open, but there comes a point where if you want to keep your children niave , you need to live in cave with a rock in front of it. Having them shut their door isn't going to do it!

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#109 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 06:14 PM
 
lolar2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 6,579
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Most of the 9-year-old girls I've seen do that kind of thing, have shown signs of puberty before they turned 10. (I used to be a substitute teacher so I met a lot of 9-year-olds.) So I think it probably is partly hormonal as well, not just bad influences.
lolar2 is offline  
#110 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 06:35 PM
 
greenemami's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: PA
Posts: 1,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 9 Post(s)
yes, they are allowed to close their doors, but there are not locks on them, and I wouldn't allow locking if there were. Actually, the rule is that if you want privacy, close your door so there is no confusion about it, and we all knock before entering. We don't have friends over to play often (well, dd and her friends are too little to care about playing privately and dsd only lives with us part-time) so that hasn't been an issue yet. I would allow them to play privately though, but would let them know that I would be checking in every so often. We now have three kids and two bedrooms, so I'm not sure how this will work once two of them are sharing a room.

Single mama namaste.gif to dd dust.gifand ds fencing.gif, loving my dsd always reading.gif .
greenemami is online now  
#111 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 07:13 PM
 
MissMaegie'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Eating a bowl of soup
Posts: 392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllyRae View Post

Like I said, every situation is different. And as long as I allow the child into my home (because you know, she could use a few more female role models in her life....), I will adapt the rules to keep the other children safe.

I'm not saying this child is a perverted deviant. I am saying that it seems that she has witnessed behavior that is not at all appropriate for younger children to see, and she was imitating it.

Oddly enough, I lived in another neighborhood where the tween knew what Adult Swim was and would repeat things she heard on it. So, while our children might be pure and innocent, unfortunately not every child grows up that way.
Sadly, my neighborhood has a preponderance of children in this type of situation. They are exposed to mature ideas and themes at too early an age, and they lose the innocence of childhood much sooner than they should. It breaks my heart.

Like the PP quoted above, every situation is different, and I don't think a parent is out of line to expect a child leave his/her door open when other kids are in the room with him/her. It's not just for the protection of the children, but for the parent.

However, I believe to require a child ALWAYS leave her/his door open no matter what is disrespectful of that child's needs. Most of us NEED privacy and solitude from time to time, and if we can't get it in our own rooms, where can we find it? IMO, the Open Door Always Policy is an unfair expectation. My opinion is that true AP families RESPECT each other's needs for privacy and alone time. Attachment means sometimes letting go, even for an hour or two.

About me: I  caffix.giftreehugger.gifcold.gifknit.gifphotosmile2.gif, and read.gif. Oh, and I'm dizzy.gif with love.gif for DH and DCx3!
 
MissMaegie'sMama is offline  
#112 of 113 Old 08-02-2010, 07:51 PM
 
Dukey25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 131
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My kids are 6.5 yrs 4.5 yrs and 2 yrs I am comfortable with all of them closing their doors, mostly due to their personalities. I am not comfortable with closed doors when friends are over. With the older two I will knock and then enter with the youngest I spy just to make sure he is ok
I am sure my door policies will change as they age.
Dukey25 is offline  
#113 of 113 Old 08-03-2010, 01:02 PM
 
ancoda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Round Rock, Texas
Posts: 1,263
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My children are all allowed to close their doors when they are playing in their rooms. The 8 year old and the 2 year old share a room and their door does not lock. The 4 year old is very introverted and is allowed to close and lock his door so long as he opens it for DH and I when we knock.
They very rarely have friends that come over, they mostly play outside with other kids, so we have not really had to visit the open or closed door with friends over policy.

oAlisha- eternal companion to mike:, mother to three energetic boys (02):, (05), and (07) and one sweet little girl 3/13.  Two in heaven.7/21/2010, 11/05/2011 mecry.gif.

ancoda is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off