do you allow the kids to play in their rooms with the door shut? What about when friends are over? can they lock the door? If you do or don't let them, why? At what age is it ok? what are your reasons? This came up recently, and I'm pretty comfortable with my stance on this for my kids, who are still young, but I'm curious as to what others do. Maybe I need to change my viewpoint, i don't know. I won't say what my rule is, though, until I hear the responses.
Very blessed mama to one bouncin' boy (12/07) one who didn't get to stay (6/09), one potty learning, mess making diva(4/10), and one cheerful milk monster. (12/11) Happy partner to the love of my life.
No they can't lock it-only because I have had to break open a door one too many times in emergencies when they accidently locked it.
AP Mom to 5
I don't remember a point when I said "Now you're old enough to shut your door." I think it just came about naturally.
She is allowed to have the door shut with friends over, too, but of course I reserve the right to come in.
She is not the type to destroy things or anything like that. I suppose if she had a history of that, it would be different.
grateful mother to DD, 1/04, and DS, 2/08
I let ds shut his door because he's a member of this house and deserves privacy, should he desire it. I shut my bedroom door at times when I want privacy so ds has that same privilege. I think when we moved to this house (he was 3 1/2) was when he started shutting his door, but rarely. The last year he's started shutting it more.
Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)
But she is not allowed to close the office door (where the computer is). Nor is she allowed to close doors when her friends are over. And she is not allowed to lock doors.
She is also allowed to go to the bathroom and lock the door behind her, but she doesn't usually choose to. I trust her, and she's never given me reason not to. The only time she's not allowed to close the door is when she's in the bath, because she's only 4 and I still have slight worries about her drowning or burning herself.
ETA: If the bathroom lock didn't have an emergency release, I might be less inclined to let her lock it. Maybe. I also let her lock herself in bathroom stalls when we're out & about.
In some houses, there were locks on the bedroom doors and bathrooms. In others, no locks. We've never used them. Possibly the kids never locked their doors because they knew they didn't have to - they could close the doors if they wanted, and I knock before entering.
I have always knocked before I enter, if their doors are closed. SOP since they were quite young.
Ds is 3 and he is not allowed to close or lock his door, mainly because he is Mr. Destructo and also because the diaper changer and pain are in there so I need access and it get's rather stinky if the door is closed. We have a anti-pincher child proof thingy up at the very top of the door that he cannot reach. Thankfully, he prefers to not be in his room at all unless his sister is playing with him so privacy isn't an issue for him.
Ds and I share a room, but sometimes he wants to have 'private time' (i.e. he is tired, but wont admit it, so he goes off into the bedroom and plays quietly/reads books). He shuts the door for that but not when I ask him to when he is pooping and I dont want to have to smell him!
He is not allowed to slam the doors, and we have a 'knock before going in' when someone is going potty, but mostly its just me and him so, so far we havent worried about 'knocking before going in bedrooms' rule, maybe it will come up as he gets older though.
I like doors shut, I always have, for some reason it makes me anoyed when door are open when Im trying to do something in a room (sew, read, etc)
He is not allowed to lock doors until he learns to unlock them properly, ours are impossible to unlock from the outside. He was locked in my parents bedroom for an hour before he figured out how to get out (luckally they have a sliding glass door so I could see him/talk to him the whole time, he mostly was just wallowing on the floor b/c he was tired, and then got bored and went to figure out the lock!)
And he would not ever be allowed to lock them while sleeping/at night (for safety reasons)
I think the only age it would be an issue is for teenagers, when they have a gf/bf over and you want to make sure they arent doing something inappropriate.
obstruct livery vehicles
I don't see any reason to prohibit a child of any age, beyond babyhood of course, from being alone behind a closed door, as long as the room is a safe environment. I would even leave a baby alone if the baby seemed to want it, and I have-- both my girls liked to be left alone to play quietly as early as four or five months. I wouldn't shut the door on a baby, though.
My mother never had any rules about closed doors, and was very respectful of our privacy at every age, and I think I will probably be the same.
With friends over-- no, I wouldn't allow my six year old to lock herself in a room with a child outside our family. I worry mostly about the other child's parent, and what might be said if any mischief did happen behind that closed door. My three year olds are not left alone with their little friends, because while I trust my own kids to have reasonable age-appropriate judgment, I haven't seen that all three year olds do.
In reality, they rarely close their doors unless friends are over. They won't sleep with their doors closed, and they don't like to play alone with their doors closed. They don't lock, so it's a moot point.
With friends, the door must always be open slightly.
The kids are 8, 7, and 7. Though I have to say, whenever we have friends over the kids spend little time in the rooms or even in the house--they're always out exploring our property and building forts in the lilac bush or running through the ferns.
We are open with our kids about the appropriateness of body exploration with other kids (not appropriate), which typically is the main concern that I've heard people raise with giving children privacy. We've also been open about how self-exploration is fine, as long as it is private.
When I was worried about the kids choking on toys or sticking forks into the sockets, I kept direct line supervision of them and playdate friends. Now that I don't have to worry about that (as much), and they know the rules for guests and the consequences of breaking them, I see nothing wrong with allowing semi-privacy. I think bringing up concerns directly, rather than denying privacy because you want to make sure to catch them, tends to work a lot better.
That being said, our kids also understand that they do not have full privacy, nor the expectation of it. They don't have independent locks on the doors (though we always knock). We can and do occasionally look through the contents of the DSes and will do so for computer accounts in the future as well. Even at this age, I do generally check in on playdates (even if they're running through our property) about every 45 minutes or so.
So with all that stuff, closed doors is probably not the greatest privacy concern--our wooded and bushed property is. But with a combination of supervision and communication, so far we've not had to deal with any uncomfortable situations.
They dont have friends over but I wouldnt mind having the door shut I dont think depending on the kids.
SAHMlovin' fan to DD 10/00 & DS 10/04 If your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumCirc, a personal choice, Your sons11/986/99anti-tobaccoThyroid cancer survivor. With & & (Boxer) wishing 4 &
Maybe its because I am an only child, and I grew up in a family without any abuse, but I honestly don't understand why my kid should want to shut himself off from his family? To isolate himself from the rest of us...it seems very alienating to me. I can't imagine ever wanting to do the same (with the exception of in the bathroom, but that is just because if you don't close the door people can look through the living room window and see you pot squating).
So no. I don't see myself allowing a shut door, because I can't see any healthy reason for it.
Once DS can work the door knobs (he still has some trouble with those) and he starts feeling the need for that kind of privacy he will be allowed to shut to door too.
Our bedroom doors don't have locks so locking the doors is a non-issue. We have no problem if the door is shut when friends are over either. Since DD has done nothing to warrant us not trusting her alone with friends, we see no reason to require the door stay open. As it is that is a good enough reason for her to stay out of trouble.
I never did understand parents that have a "doors open" rule.
If it looks like I'm trying to pick a fight... I'm not, I'm rarely that obvious.
If it looks like I'm trying to pick a fight... I'm not, I'm rarely that obvious.
DS1 (17) can close his door, whether he has friends over or not. He's also allowed to lock it. We put a lock on his door to protect his stuff from his younger siblings.
Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) , Emma (5/03) , Evan (7/05) , & Jenna (6/09)
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing Aaron Ambrose (11/07)
I see my kids' rooms as their quiet space in our home and if they need time in there alone, with the door shut, that's fine. When they are feeling overwhelmed by something, they naturally retreat to their rooms with the door shut for some quiet time. Seems perfectly normal and healthy to me. *shrugs*
Maybe its because I am an only child, and I grew up in a family without any abuse, but I honestly don't understand why my kid should want to shut himself off from his family? To isolate himself from the rest of us...it seems very alienating to me.
It's temporary. To meet a personal need for privacy. If privacy = shutting out family members, then logically, you should be just as concerned with bathroom doors being shut.
Being able to understand and accept that our kids may have different tolerances/needs from our own is really important, I think. YOU might like to have an "ear on everything" but to some people that would drive them nuts (and their reactions to constantly have to have that input from everywhere might very well be more isolating that giving themselves an hour of quiet reading in their room from time to time.
It's not all or nothing, where either you remove your doors or only live in silent isolation in your room, KWIM?