Considering a Family, Feeling Confused.. - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 04:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
eatnobeef's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hello everyone,

I am extremely new to this forum, so hello and forgive me if I am posting in the wrong place!

I am turning to y'all because it is late, I'm awake and my head is reeling. I could use some support and perspective :-) My boyfriend and I just finished the evening on a very unsettling note, for both of us. We've been together 2 years and have a very loving and healthy relationship. I have no problem envisioning myself with him for the rest of my life. I am 34 and so is he, to give some perspective on our ages. Neither one of us has been married or has any children. I have a solid career and an advanced degree, he is a struggling musician who is just now finding the courage to put himself out there and stop compromising on his dream of earning his living making rock and roll music. Right now he makes about half the money I make, and I make barely enough to not struggle day-to-day in the expensive city we both reside in. (He has a low-paying 9-5 job--he doesn't presently earn any money making his music). We do not live together, and I have to admit that he presents with some resistance to making the move to live together (he makes the excuse that he does not make as much as I do, the timing is wrong, he is broke, etc.).

Needless to say, I've been wrestling with the motherhood question for about 5 years now and a few months ago decided that I am, yes, indeed sure that I want to procreate, and soon. I've quite smoking and discontinues birth control in preparation for this. This news initially shook my free-spirited, loving boyfriend. We've had several discussions about the possibilities of procreating together. At first he didn't say much, then he said he wants to 'be a father', and then tonight we had this big blown up, long winded discussion about the fact that he is a musician with a band that may or may not go on tour in the next year or two, or three, or five, and in order for us to procreate I would have to be OK with being left alone with a very young baby/child for long stretches of time while he tours. He also expressed that he wants to be a father and feels he'll be ready by his 'early forties' after the rock and roll bug is out of his system (but will it ever?) and that he loves me so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he wants to have a baby with me b/c that is what I want right now--it is just that our time frames for achieving what is pressing in our individual lives is conflicting right now...Oh gosh, what to do with all that...?

UM--What? I am feeling confused, yet love this man with all my heart. He is really wonderful and supportive, yet being such a stickler about the possibility of 'touring' with a rock band that has played only a handful of local shows in the last 2 years. I am thinking his dreams of rock and roll fame are total coco puffs, but he can tell I am going through the motions with supporting is unrealistic dreams--and this really bothers him. His band is good, and he is a brilliant musician, but come on! He is aging and balding and I don't know if the young kids these days are going to spend all their money to go see his band. Harsh, yet realistic.

My question is this: is there anyone out there creating a family with another who frequently travels or even better, is a musician who is required to leave often? I feel terrified of being left for long stretches of time with a young one newly hatched. I am sure this man I am speaking of will be sticking around--I just wonder if it is reasonable to make such an agreement--specifically for me to be 'flexible' for him to go on 'tour' during a child's young(est) years? I am pretty dang stoked on this guy, he's sweet and most of all the other stuff is awesome between us...there is this issue though. A big issue.

Thanks for your responses!!
eatnobeef is offline  
#2 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 08:21 AM
 
katelove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,883
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 27 Post(s)
Hi and welcome to MDC.

I was going to write a whole post about how it is so much easier to parent a little baby when you have a partner to share it with but really, the thing that stood out most for me in your post is this...

Your boyfriend makes excuses not to move in with you because he's not ready for that level of commitment. It doesn't sound like this is someone you could rely on to be your co-parent even if his music career doesn't take off and see him touring for much of the year.

I'm sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear and maybe someone else will have something more useful to say but, for me, that's the main thing which stood out from your post.

I wish you all the best
Kate

Mother of two spectacular girls, born mid-2010 and late 2012  mdcblog5.gif

katelove is online now  
#3 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 10:35 AM
 
NiteNicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 4,580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
Quote:
Your boyfriend makes excuses not to move in with you because he's not ready for that level of commitment. It doesn't sound like this is someone you could rely on to be your co-parent even if his music career doesn't take off and see him touring for much of the year.
I agree.

If he were ready to be a parent and partner, he would move the world to make it happen, not offer up excuses. He would find a way to be a musician and a father. People do. He doesn't want to and you can't make him want what you want.
NiteNicole is offline  
#4 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 11:13 AM
 
maddymama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,041
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi Eatnobeef,
Ok.... It sounds like he is a wonderful boyfriend..... but not ready to be a full-time father with all the time commitment that involves. If you are ready to be a full-time parent, with no help from him, then I say go for it.
Many moms parent by themselves when their spouses go overseas for duty, on tour for music, away for business, etc. It's hard, but doable.
I guess what I'm working my way to saying is this: You can't expect him to change once a baby is here. He's telling you that his music will come first. If you have a baby, then expect him to be a fairly absent parent. If you can accept that, then have a baby with him. If you can't then move on to find a partner who will be there to help share the burden. You can't expect him to change when he's told you he won't.
~maddymama
maddymama is offline  
#5 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 11:16 AM
 
AllisonR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 3,100
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
First, I agree with the other posters. He is not ready to be a father yet. Maybe next year, maybe in 10 years, and honestly maybe never. Now, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with that. Many people do not want to be a parent. Some of these people get thrown into being a parent when a pregnancy happens, and some of these people can become fabulous parents, but just as honestly, many also don't.

On the other hand, while a man can wait, a 35 yo woman can not - at least not for very long. So you have to find out what is best for you. And that might be with, or without this guy, and frankly, with or without his sperm. It might be that this great guy turns out to be nothing more than a sperm donor and you end up with 98% of the responsibility yourself. But then you also get 98% of the love, awe, and joy that can't be known until you've been there.

FWIW, I speak as a fine artist, that has a good paying daytime job, because, as you clearly understand, there is no money for 99.99% of the artist out there - be they painters, sculptors, actors, musicians... arts are a cruel industry, and to be brutally honest, there are a billion talented artists out there - talent is like toilet paper - even really talented is like toilet paper - there is just so much of it, and getting ahead in the industry is not about talent at all - you have to have it, but beyond that it is connections and contacts and luck and continuous effort.... I had to put my art on hold, for YEARS, when DS and then DD were born. And you know what, I have no resentment about it, because the love I have for my children takes over all. It really does. Not sure what my point is here. Maybe that artists MUST make art, it is in their DNA, but being famous and financially stable from it, is a goal worth achieving, but not the most realistic goal in the world and a lot of other things would trump this.
AllisonR is offline  
#6 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 11:27 AM
 
Smithie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,421
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
I wouldn't drag the whole coparenting thing into this relationship.

I would absolutely have a baby if I were 34, financially stable, and wanted a baby.

Keep the boyfriend as long as things are good between you, but find yourself another source of sperm. He doesn't want to be a parent right now, and that's OK. You DO want to be a parent, and that's OK. You are going to have way less disappointment, frustration and resentment in your life if you don't try to turn a reluctant broke musician boyfriend into a coparent. A coparent contributes significant time and money to assist in the raising of a child. You already know that your boyfriend won't be able/willing to provide those things.
Smithie is offline  
#7 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 11:38 AM
 
Norasmomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: The sunny side of the mountains
Posts: 4,336
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
He doesn't sound ready. The touring thing is just an excuse, as is not moving in because he doesn't make enough money. Plain and simple he's not ready for that level of commitment.

I had a similar struggle in the fact that I was READY to have a baby, I was 30 and I felt my clock a ticking, plus I had made the choices to make myself a good mom, I had quit smoking, was taking my vitamins, eating healthy, not drinking.....I had been happily(mostly) married to my wonderful DH for 9 years and really wanted that next level....a family, I hadn't been ready until then and then BAM I was ready, like yesterday. We had a rocky month or 2 there, my Dh really didn't believe I was mature enough to go forward, but finally he realized I was serious, and that it was either that or I was probably not going to be there. Now our relationship was very solid, but still the thought of bringing another life into it was a bit daunting. Plus, many guys see having a baby as the end of their youth, so if he's already is struggling with his musical career and the prospect he may very well not make it, that could be a biggie too.

Really though he doesn't sound ready. You do.

Me Wife to T (14 years)Mama to Princess(4) and Monster Boy(my 1 year old ):
Norasmomma is offline  
#8 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 11:46 AM
 
meemee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Norther California
Posts: 12,620
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 22 Post(s)
you just never know how he is going to react once you have your baby.

he might freak out and say bye bye, or reality might hit and he may love his child and maybe hang his guitar on the wall, roll up his shirt sleeves and become a dad.

are you willing to take that chance?

 treehugger.gif Co-parent, joy.gifcold.gifbrand new homeschooling middle schoolerjoy.gif, and an attackcat.gif 
meemee is offline  
#9 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 11:48 AM
 
GuildJenn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Toronto
Posts: 4,517
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Are you prepared to be a single mom, is really the question.

Your boyfriend's given you notice that he's not into it. I would take him at his word.

~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
GuildJenn is offline  
#10 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 12:46 PM
 
dakotablue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 970
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by eatnobeef View Post
. We do not live together, and I have to admit that he presents with some resistance to making the move to live together (he makes the excuse that he does not make as much as I do, the timing is wrong, he is broke, etc.).
Excuses are a red flag. Read what you said here. So resistance of that level of commitment...

Quote:
Originally Posted by eatnobeef View Post
Needless to say, I've been wrestling with the motherhood question for about 5 years now and a few months ago decided that I am, yes, indeed sure that I want to procreate, and soon. I've quite smoking and discontinues birth control in preparation for this. This news initially shook my free-spirited, loving boyfriend. We've had several discussions about the possibilities of procreating together.
You've been thinking about this for 5 years and he was shocked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eatnobeef View Post
At first he didn't say much, then he said he wants to 'be a father', and then tonight we had this big blown up, long winded discussion about the fact that he is a musician with a band that may or may not go on tour in the next year or two, or three, or five, and in order for us to procreate I would have to be OK with being left alone with a very young baby/child for long stretches of time while he tours. He also expressed that he wants to be a father and feels he'll be ready by his 'early forties' after the rock and roll bug is out of his system (but will it ever?) and that he loves me so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he wants to have a baby with me b/c that is what I want right now--it is just that our time frames for achieving what is pressing in our individual lives is conflicting right now...Oh gosh, what to do with all that...?
Ok so what I hear is "I know this is what you want to hear, but I have no intention of doing that. I will say Yes, but give you every reason that I actually mean no, but I hope you'll stick around because in another universe I might say yes..." and this echos of the above, "I would move in but...."


Quote:
Originally Posted by eatnobeef View Post
I am thinking his dreams of rock and roll fame are total coco puffs, but he can tell I am going through the motions with supporting is unrealistic dreams--and this really bothers him. His band is good, and he is a brilliant musician, but come on! He is aging and balding and I don't know if the young kids these days are going to spend all their money to go see his band. Harsh, yet realistic.
Ok so here....well

Quote:
Originally Posted by eatnobeef View Post
I feel terrified of being left for long stretches of time with a young one newly hatched.
You don't want to be a single parent.


I think from what you have said you know in your heart, he is fun and nice and good in bed, but has no intention of growing up or giving you what you want or need. If he can't be there relationship wise in the 'little' things like cohabitation, how would parenting go? personally, I know its hard, but I wouldn't suggest you stay with this man unless you are willing to stay childless and single. (Or have a child and receive no support)

I know this isn't what you asked. I just hate to see you waste your life.

biggrinbounce.gifDS 10/09  sleepytime.gifDS 2/17/11 stork-suprise.gif Blessing #3 sometime 2/13

 

dakotablue is offline  
#11 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 12:52 PM
 
spughy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 5,249
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If he's been a musician that long and hasn't figured out that networking, playing - even for nothing - in front of an audience, and just plain hard, relentless work are a billion times more important than talent, then I don't think he's going to succeed as a musician. The question is, how will that affect him, psychologically? And the corollary, would you want to have that person as a parent? If he's likely to get over it, shrug his shoulders and move on with the next phase of life, then I think he'd end up being an awesome parent. But if he's not ever going to accept that life as a musician is never going to pay the bills or get him noticed, and if that's going to gradually turn him to be more and more bitter, then you probably don't want that "woe is me, life sucks and isn't fair" attitude as a primary one for your child to grow up on. How does he deal with stuff that just falls in his lap, generally? Does he make the most of it, or does he try to wiggle out from underneath? If you gave him a puppy, what would happen to it?

The other thing to consider is what kind of parent YOU want to be. Do you want to be able to stay at home with your child? If so, sadly you need to either take a drastic cut in your standard of living or have a partner who can support you. While there are the occasional mamas who manage to work from home AND be there for their kids full-time, they are few and far between, and most of them don't enjoy it very much.

Postpartum doula & certified breastfeeding educator, mama to an amazing girl (11/05) and a wee little boy (3/13).

spughy is offline  
#12 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 01:36 PM
 
staceychev's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jersey, the Southern one
Posts: 3,221
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
ITA with everything that's been said here.

My story:

DH is a musician, and trained as an audio engineer. When I was first pregnant 5+ years ago, he came to me and said: "Look, I've never done a tour. It's something I've always wanted to do... I want to 'get it out of my system' before the baby comes. It'll be 2 weeks, I'll take saved up vacation time. Are you OK with that?" I was, he did, and now he's never gone for more than back to back nights.

DH is still with the same band (9 years and counting). They have two albums and a small but loyal following in the northeast. They're down to about 10-12 gigs a year at this point. The only money he has ever made has covered gas, tolls, and beer, and, if he's lucky, new bass strings. He has never, and will never, make a living as a musician. He loves playing music, but he loves being a dad more, and he's found work that he enjoys so that we can do things like have a house and take our five-year old to Disney.

He's lucky that he comes from a family of musicians and has seen how it can work out:
* mom: retired elementary music teacher, stable, happy
* dad: retired history teacher, plays bluegrass and teaches banjo on the side, stable, happy
* uncle: professional drummer in nyc, seems happy, happily married, has one adult child, seems to cobble together a living with sub gigs, the occasional stint on a cruise ship, proofreading jobs and by selling his cello to send his son to college
* cousin: married to a masseuse, want kids, can't see a way to make it work, no health insurance

Stacey teaching teens to read & write... Daddy plays ska, DD1 (7/05) loves trees & princesses, & DD2 (3/10) loves mommy-milk! Please get your kids tested for lead.
staceychev is offline  
#13 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 01:52 PM
 
queenjane's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 3,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I'm a single parent. I dont mind being single. It would be nice to have a partner bringing in income but beyond that its fine.

However, you seem to NOT want to be a single parent. My suggestion to you is to break up with your boyfriend and find a man who shares your goals in life.

If you decide you DO want to be a single parent, it might be easier on you emotionally to truly be one...that is, buy sperm from a donor, inseminate, and do it all on your own. That way the boundaries are clear.

From experience, its really not that fun parenting with a man who won't "grow up" and who really didnt want what you wanted, and was just going along to placate you. I think you need to think of the worst case scenario (he goes on tour, leaving you to raise the child, he never quits the band, he doesnt contribute etc) and decide if you are ok with it. Dont get pg in the hopes "he'll change"...its really not fair to anyone involved.

Katherine, single homeschooling mom to Boy Genius (17) geek.gif  Thing One (6) and Thing Two (6) fencing.gif and one outgoing Girl (12) bikenew.gif and hoping for more through foster care and adoption homebirth.jpgadoptionheart-1.gif 
queenjane is offline  
#14 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 01:55 PM
 
rhiOrion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Durham, NC
Posts: 4,164
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
In my case my DH was committed enough that we were married, and obviously lived together.

But we went through a period in the months before we conceived where I spent a lot of time talking about having kids, and he kept saying "in 50 years" as a joke. But it was a persistent joke that he wouldn't back down from. It was driving me crazy.

He mentioned many times about how he had to be a rock star first. Unlike your partner, my DH wasn't even in a band anymore.

Basically it boiled down to the fact that I'm sure he kept a dream of being a rock star tucked away in the back of his head, and the idea of having a kid, to him, meant he had to just give that dream up completely. He thought he would never have any fun again ever.

But now he loooves his daughter. He's playing music once a week with some friends, they may start doing open mics soon. Basically he's playing more music than he was for several years before we had a baby.

I don't think that being a musician and being a parent are mutually exclusive. I think it's fair that you ask him to commit to a time frame around the birth where he WON'T go on your. But that otherwise you understand that he may be away sometimes.

I think that if you can compromise with him in relation to his fears, that you might find he is gung-ho. Or, you might find that he'd still making excuses. If that's the case, then it might be that he's really and truly not ready.

Hippie sympathizer and mom to L, 4.8.10.
Pet-mom to Squirt with FLUTD & Maya the deaf wonder dog .
rhiOrion is offline  
#15 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 03:18 PM
 
Belia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Chicago-ish
Posts: 1,700
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Welcome to MDC!

I agree with many of the PPs that your boyfriend probably does not sound ready.

But I am also quite shocked that so many posters seem to imply that when you're "ready" to be a parent, then you feel READY, no hesitation.

Well, I am not wired that way. I am a thinker, and an obsesser, and a worrier. I am never 100% sure of ANYTHING. Deciding to have a child was no different. I knew my life would change completely, and that was terrifying, yet I was equally scared of not experiencing parenthood. What happened with me was that I gradually became more afraid of one of those scenarios than the other.

In other words, if I had waited until I was 100% sure or 100% ready for parenthood, I would NEVER have had my son. No way, no how. Same with DH. And yet I am a pretty dang good mom, if I do say so myself, and DS and I are lucky to have each other.

I wish you peace, OP. This is tough, tough stuff. You have a lot invested in this relationship and your boyfriend, and it's a lot easier for an anonymous person in cyberspace to say "He's not ready! Leave him! Follow your bliss!" than it is to actually DO it. I would not want to be in your shoes.

It's OK to decide not to decide right now. You have time. Just keep talking.

Sleepy mama to Colin Theodore 8-12-08 and Trevor Arthur 7-17-12.

 

 

Belia is offline  
#16 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 03:44 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,611
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 82 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by eatnobeef View Post
We do not live together, and I have to admit that he presents with some resistance to making the move to live together (he makes the excuse
...
and that he loves me so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he wants to have a baby with me b/c that is what I want right now-
I don't buy it. He doesn't even want to live with you.

Having a child is a HUGE deal, far bigger than a realized before I had one. Having one with another person "because that is what they want right now" is just a bad idea.

You go out for pizza when you really aren't in the mood for it because it's want your sweetie wants right now. You don't bring a new human being on to the planet.

you might try counseling, either with him or without him. You sound really stuck, and counseling and help get you unstuck.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#17 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 04:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
eatnobeef's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Basically I'm all teary eyed, especially after reading all your thoughtful words and sharing your personal experiences. There is no one way to go about the big, messy business of having a child, and there are no guarantees that even the most committed, loving, stable-appearing partner will always be there (sickness, divorce, and yes, traveling for work or art). I have been trying to parse out his fears vs. his excuses...I guess I've been betting on the fact that his rock and roll dreams are totally unrealistic and will fall through eventually and he'll give up on trying to tour, etc. He knows this and it really hurts his feelings:-( It is my strong feeling that once he sees a child he created he'll melt like never before and won't want to leave, but that is a big ole assumption and scary gamble to make with a child's life/heart/well-being. He and I did talk about a compromise with his hypothetical touring schedule--like he has to be around for the first year of the baby's life--and I can envision that being okay; but that does not answer the question of does he really have the intrinsic desire to have a baby in the first place?

I also have to own my fears regarding my time to meet a partner who wants to have a child with me is running out. I wish I had all the time in the world, but as women, we don't. I know I have been putting pressure on the poor man, but my goodness, how can I not? I love this man so much and I know he loves me, but I think it may be the best if I just let him go for now, which is very sad. I guess if he comes around in the near future and expresses that he's had some time to think about it and is ready to commit in a larger way, then so be it. As is stands right now, I am living with a roommate whom I can't stand and will be moving into a studio or 1 bdrm alone...I wanted to take my BF into consideration when making the decision about moving (remember, he has a lot of excuses about not wanting to live together 'yet'), like should I pay a little more for a bigger place then he can join me when he is ready...but that discussion last night just led me here, to splits ville.

I'm going to keep sleeping on it for the next week and talk it out with friends and family. And you! Sometimes it is most helpful to get totally objective advice/perspectives from strangers in cyberspace--talking to my mother about this doesn't always turn out pretty!! So, thank you again for listening and responding thoughtfully.
eatnobeef is offline  
#18 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 04:57 PM
 
velochic's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Dreaming of the Bavarian Alps
Posts: 8,198
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just wanted to welcome you to MCD and say that I think it's wonderful that you are being so thoughtful about this. I agree that the boyfriend doesn't sound like he's ready. But that doesn't have to mean you aren't. I have a good friend that has two children, as a single mother, because she could not wait for life to deal her the perfect man with which to make a family. She was *destined* to be a mother and a wonderful one she is, at that. Thankfully, modern life has given us options that we didn't have in the past. Being a mother doesn't necessarily mean being a wife, too. Good luck!
velochic is offline  
#19 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 05:09 PM
 
choli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 3,933
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Your boyfriend doesn't want to move in with you and has told you that he is not ready to be a parent. You barely make enough money to get by without struggling in a high COL area, and it doesn't sound like your boyfriend would be able to pay you much child support if you decide to go the single mother route.

If you really want a child NOW as opposed to waiting, do the math very carefully to see if you can pull this off financially with very little help from your boyfriend. If it were me, I'd wait until a child was truly wanted by both parents.
choli is offline  
#20 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 05:21 PM
 
Norasmomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: The sunny side of the mountains
Posts: 4,336
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Belia View Post
Welcome to MDC!

I agree with many of the PPs that your boyfriend probably does not sound ready.

But I am also quite shocked that so many posters seem to imply that when you're "ready" to be a parent, then you feel READY, no hesitation.

Well, I am not wired that way. I am a thinker, and an obsesser, and a worrier. I am never 100% sure of ANYTHING. Deciding to have a child was no different. I knew my life would change completely, and that was terrifying, yet I was equally scared of not experiencing parenthood. What happened with me was that I gradually became more afraid of one of those scenarios than the other.

In other words, if I had waited until I was 100% sure or 100% ready for parenthood, I would NEVER have had my son. No way, no how. Same with DH. And yet I am a pretty dang good mom, if I do say so myself, and DS and I are lucky to have each other.

I wish you peace, OP. This is tough, tough stuff. You have a lot invested in this relationship and your boyfriend, and it's a lot easier for an anonymous person in cyberspace to say "He's not ready! Leave him! Follow your bliss!" than it is to actually DO it. I would not want to be in your shoes.

It's OK to decide not to decide right now. You have time. Just keep talking.
It's also easy to say that you'll never be 100% ready, honestly IDK anyone who was/is 100% about having a baby(even when they say they are), having a child hits you at a very core part of your being that you don't even realize is there.

Now the thing is, will it be the part of your core that is totally overwhelmingly in LOVE with the baby, or is it going to be the WTH?! was I thinking core-I've seen both. Gosh I've even felt both of these emotions in the same moment. Saying you are ready doesn't mean you are 100%, it just means that the outcome is the more preferable, at least IMO.

Truth is the guy doesn't sound ready-to move forward with this relationship. Be it having a baby, or even moving in with the OP. Sure she may have a baby with him and it may be a wonderful moving experience for him, or she could have a baby, they stay together-yet he resents her for making his dreams falter, or he could leave......All of the scenarios are possibilities. My biggest issue about his not being ready is he isn't even ready to move in together, let alone have a kid.

Me Wife to T (14 years)Mama to Princess(4) and Monster Boy(my 1 year old ):
Norasmomma is offline  
#21 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 05:35 PM
 
Drummer's Wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Land of Enchantment
Posts: 11,487
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't think you are running out of time to have a family - but I do understand how it can feel like that at 34. I think, if you love your boyfriend, you will respect that he seems no where near ready to have a baby - and if you two work well together as a couple while he's trying to get his music out there, maybe in a few years he'll be ready to settle down and make babies. Or, maybe you will realize that this wasn't the life you wanted, and meet someone else who is a better fit and whom wants to have children with you.

I guess I just see it from your BF's perspective - he is following his dream, which right now, does not include having a baby - even though it's yours. I wanted kids while I was fairly young (had my first at 21, 4th at 27), and luckily, it has worked out with my DH, despite the fact that he would love to be doing shows 200 nights a year, traveling from city to city. But you know, even with a man who I already lived with, who asked me to marry him shortly after we conceived our first, and who has worked hard to take care of our growing family over the years working a 9-5 and then attempting to follow his dreams in the evenings and weekends - it was still hard at times! Like, really hard - and not exactly what I thought I was signing up for.

You say you would be okay with him touring for weeks at a time when you are home with an infant - but its difficult to tell how it will go and how you will feel until you've had that baby. I couldn't even hang with practice 3 nights a week and shows many weekends.

I agree it doesn't sound like you really want to be a single mom, but it honestly doesn't sound at all like your boyfriend wants to be a dad right now.

ribboncesarean.gif cesareans happen.
Drummer's Wife is offline  
#22 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 05:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
eatnobeef's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
I just wanted to welcome you to MCD and say that I think it's wonderful that you are being so thoughtful about this. I agree that the boyfriend doesn't sound like he's ready. But that doesn't have to mean you aren't. I have a good friend that has two children, as a single mother, because she could not wait for life to deal her the perfect man with which to make a family. She was *destined* to be a mother and a wonderful one she is, at that. Thankfully, modern life has given us options that we didn't have in the past. Being a mother doesn't necessarily mean being a wife, too. Good luck!
Thank you! I really want to bring a child into the world in the best way possible, but I don't want to over-think it either...sometimes life just happens. Before last night and the conversation w/ my BF, I was just operating on the assumption that everything would work itself out in the end...but in the end I don't want to be left in the dust along with a kid. I know my BF and being who he is, it would be very unlikely he'd leave me in the dust and abandon me and a child, he is more of a stand up guy than that. But I absolutely do not want him to resent me or a child. I know he feels very confused right now and feels like he is losing me over this :-(

My work involves lots of contact with poor, inner city single mothers and their children so I know the realities and how hard it can be...I could be a single mom b/c I am strong and resourceful, but would I choose it? No. I witness first had the struggles and hardships and I feel afraid of them. Do I want to be a mother bad enough to choose being a single mom? I am not sure about that yet...I guess that is what I need to figure out for myself.
eatnobeef is offline  
#23 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 05:46 PM
 
zinemama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: from the fire roads to the interstate
Posts: 6,298
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by eatnobeef View Post
It is my strong feeling that once he sees a child he created he'll melt like never before and won't want to leave, but that is a big ole assumption and scary gamble to make with a child's life/heart/well-being.
Please, please do not forget the bolded. Conceiving a child with a reluctant, uncommitted man in the hope that fatherhood will change his personality is, as you say, a huge gamble and unfair to the child. Much better to have a baby on your own.
zinemama is offline  
#24 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 05:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
eatnobeef's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife View Post
I don't think you are running out of time to have a family - but I do understand how it can feel like that at 34. I think, if you love your boyfriend, you will respect that he seems no where near ready to have a baby - and if you two work well together as a couple while he's trying to get his music out there, maybe in a few years he'll be ready to settle down and make babies. Or, maybe you will realize that this wasn't the life you wanted, and meet someone else who is a better fit and whom wants to have children with you.

I guess I just see it from your BF's perspective - he is following his dream, which right now, does not include having a baby - even though it's yours. I wanted kids while I was fairly young (had my first at 21, 4th at 27), and luckily, it has worked out with my DH, despite the fact that he would love to be doing shows 200 nights a year, traveling from city to city. But you know, even with a man who I already lived with, who asked me to marry him shortly after we conceived our first, and who has worked hard to take care of our growing family over the years working a 9-5 and then attempting to follow his dreams in the evenings and weekends - it was still hard at times! Like, really hard - and not exactly what I thought I was signing up for.

You say you would be okay with him touring for weeks at a time when you are home with an infant - but its difficult to tell how it will go and how you will feel until you've had that baby. I couldn't even hang with practice 3 nights a week and shows many weekends.

I agree it doesn't sound like you really want to be a single mom, but it honestly doesn't sound at all like your boyfriend wants to be a dad right now.
I think you are right. We both have different visions of the future and it really sucks to come to terms with that. I guess if I stay with him and 'hope' that he somehow becomes ready in the next couple years, that is a gamble. I feel pretty anxious that I *won't* find someone to procreate with. But I know I need to respect his dreams, no matter how far-fetched they are, and be real with the fact that he does not want a baby...and he does not even want to live with me! I have to admit my feelings are hurt. I love that he is a talented musician and I totally admire that...I just wish our two paths intersected; maybe we'll find a way to make that happen in the future. I just feel tired of being in a holding pattern...waiting....waiting....waiting for the possibility of him to be 'ready' to take this relationship to a higher level.
eatnobeef is offline  
#25 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 05:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
eatnobeef's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
Please, please do not forget the bolded. Conceiving a child with a reluctant, uncommitted man in the hope that fatherhood will change his personality is, as you say, a huge gamble and unfair to the child. Much better to have a baby on your own.
Word. I am not forgetting!! If I were such a child, I would wonder why my mother made that choice to bring me into the world. Hence, my thoughtfulness.
eatnobeef is offline  
#26 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 07:09 PM
 
maddymama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,041
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I gotta chime in and say what this whole thread has been remind me of...
the book He's Just Not That Into You... I think your boyfriend *is* into you, but he's telling you he's not ready to live with you or ready to be a parent.... and it's your role to take him at his word a figure out where you want to go from here. It reads like you are realizing that, while he is a wonderful guy, he may not be the most wonderful guy for you.
~maddymama
maddymama is offline  
#27 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 07:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
eatnobeef's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by maddymama View Post
I gotta chime in and say what this whole thread has been remind me of...
the book He's Just Not That Into You... I think your boyfriend *is* into you, but he's telling you he's not ready to live with you or ready to be a parent.... and it's your role to take him at his word a figure out where you want to go from here. It reads like you are realizing that, while he is a wonderful guy, he may not be the most wonderful guy for you.
~maddymama
Awe...it is indeed a sad day for me
eatnobeef is offline  
#28 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 07:39 PM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 25,596
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by eatnobeef View Post
It is my strong feeling that once he sees a child he created he'll melt like never before and won't want to leave, but that is a big ole assumption and scary gamble to make with a child's life/heart/well-being.
I really don't like to be a downer, but I've known three women who have thought like this, and been sure his heart would melt and all that. All three were right. His heart melted, and each "he" thought his child was the sweetest, cutest, most precious little thing in the universe. And, all three relationships (two marriages and living together thing) completely disintegrated. Because, the bottom line was that each of those women was really counting on the guy becoming the dad she thought he could/should be, and each of those men really thought that "giving" her a baby would make her happy. It just didn't work out that way.

It's not just the child's life/heart/well-being that's at issue, either. It's also yours, and your boyfriend's. Having a child is a huge commitment, and it's not going to make anyone happy if he's making it when he doesn't want to. Considering he sees "I don't make enough" as a reason not to live together, when it's cheaper to maintain one household than two, I really can't see him rolling with something as immense as having a child.


ETA: I see quite a few others have beat me to it. I honestly don't know what to say, but I know that clock ticking feeling all too well.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#29 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 07:42 PM
 
wondermama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: at home in the heartland
Posts: 140
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi! I *really* advise you to listen to your own wise heart in this one: ask yourself, truly deeply, is this the man you will be able to rely on when you are postpartum and sleep-deprived, when you want to share the absolute joy of total commitedness to each other and your child, to count on to provide for (or at least with) you when you want to spend every waking moment with your little one? Is this the man who will be holding the video camera with joy every birthday and Christmas, who will willingly run out to the store in the middle of the night to get something you need, who will support you in breastfeeding and gentle parenting, even though it requires great sacrifices of everyone, who has the time, energy and maturity to love and nurture you and your child as you deserve?

It sounds like you have a man who is a great boyfriend, but may not be the very best husband and father, at least not for awhile. Your dreams and goals sound very different at this juncture -- and I really caution you against an "oops" at this point -- hormones and baby lust can be very powerful and can override our best judgment and sense when we're in the midst of it. (Do I sound as if I speak from experience here? Hmm...)

I read recently that there are two types of men in the world (yes, this is a simplification, but I find it useful and true in my own experience): JFKs and Harry Trumans. Some are young JKFs (have some wild oats to sow) who turn into Harry Trumans as they mature (reliable, steady, the kind who will be there for you when the brown stuff hits the fan); but some are true to type until the end. Having had kids with a JFK, and having watched my friends who picked Harry Trumans, I can tell you, pick a Harry! Just my .02.
wondermama is offline  
#30 of 60 Old 08-02-2010, 07:44 PM
 
spughy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 5,249
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just to add another perspective... when my DH and I first met, he was still living with his parents. And he was unwilling to move in with me without being married. And he was very obviously unwilling to have a baby with me for the first few years of our relationship, and even worse, on meds for depression. He broke up with me at one point because it was all too much for him and he couldn't deal with the commitment. But, I always knew in my heart that the relationship was right, and he had always joked about asking me to marry him someday... well, in the end we got back together, he moved out on his own at least, and after a few years and some pressure, we got married (our perfect dream apartment became available, so we HAD to get married to move in to in - yes, seriously). After a few years I pressured him again and he finally conceded to having a child. I had to pressure him into buying a house too - but he's always been thankful that I did, that I had the guts to call him on his commitment-phobias and get him to deal with it.

So, sometimes, pressuring guys into stuff DOES work. And my DH is a fabulous provider, fabulous dad, fabulous husband. BUT his reluctance was partly because he was a computer scientist, heading for academia, and was unsure about traveling, dragging a family around, low pay, etc. I had a highly paid job in IT before I got pregnant. But when he finished his PhD, he got a job in software so I could stay home, and although he doesn't love it, I think he is as content in life now as he's going to be - he's accepted that academia is maybe not for him right now, but it's still an option down the line, and having a stable home with me & DD means a lot to him.

I don't know if maybe your BF can accept that about performance music? Can he be happy being a musician in another way - like as a music teacher, or as a music therapist or something? Does domestic life hold any attraction for him? What was his childhood like, did it provide a good template for what you want?

Postpartum doula & certified breastfeeding educator, mama to an amazing girl (11/05) and a wee little boy (3/13).

spughy is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off