Apparently, my two year old is "offending" another parent - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-13-2010, 05:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am trying to put myself in this other moms position. I don't think this would bug me but maybe it would.

DD is a little over two. DD and I occasionally spend time with another mom and her daughter who is about 3.5. Whenever she acts up and her mom scolds her, DD looks at her and tells her, "Not nice, CC! Not nice!" or she looks at me and says, "mommy, cc not nice!" When cc whines DD imitates her and then laughs. She does this with everyone.

The last time DD told CC she wasn't nice, CC's mommy told me she really wishes I would correct DD whens he says that. She's "offended" my daughter is telling her daughter she's not nice and the imitation of the whining hurts CC's feelings.

I don't think my 2 year old is going to understand that CC's feelings are hurt. She imitates everyone and for some reason, whining imitations are her new thing. She does it on the subway too. I'm trying to put myself in CC's moms position. If a 10 year old were saying this to her I might be annoyed but not another toddler.
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Old 08-13-2010, 05:43 PM
 
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I wouldn't be upset/annoyed/offended that a 2 year old is telling a 3 year old that she's nice or that the 2yr old is imitating the whining....but I have to say I would be annoyed if it continued without the mom of the 2 yr old saying something to the 2 yr old. IMO, what your dd is doing is perfectly normal 2 yr old behavior, but that doesn't mean you don't teach her that it's not nice or try to correct her.

JMHO
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Old 08-13-2010, 05:45 PM
 
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Yeah, i think the offense is more at your non correction, not aimed at your 2 yr old.

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Old 08-13-2010, 05:51 PM
 
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I think your daughter's behaving in a developmentally appropriate way, but there are a lot of things that are developmentally appropriate but that require a parent's redirection or social explanation. At 2, I could totally see my kids doing this. But at 2, I would also have intervened and explained that CC and her mother were having a private conversation and that it's not polite to mimic like that. Or that if CC was having a rough day, her mother will talk to her, not my DD. "That's not your job, sweetie," is a phrase you hear in my house fairly often.

It's sometimes easier with physical actions. If my 2-year-old hauls off and hits someone, I know they're acting their age but I also know that it's my job to show them how to find a different way to interact. Social actions can be trickier for me to figure out at times, but the same general principle applies.
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Old 08-13-2010, 05:55 PM
 
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I would be upset in this mothers shoes. Yeah two year olds are sometimes rude but it is your job as her parent to correct her and teach her better manners and to step in with god manners occaisionally. Honestly I would not put up with it for long before we found someone else to hang out with.

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Old 08-13-2010, 05:57 PM
 
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I think earthmama is spot on. One thing I do at that age is redirect them to another area while saying "Her mama is taking care of her. Your job is to take care of your own behavior."

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Old 08-13-2010, 06:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the sound advice everyone. It is appreciated
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Old 08-13-2010, 06:15 PM
 
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My just turned 3 year old LOVES to mimic me when I correct her little brother. He's very little, so my corrections are very gentle, along the lines of a gentle "no-no, we don't bang that," and gently removing his hands. She'll then go over and say "No! We do NOT touch that! We do NOT do that! That is very naughty!" very harshly. It is developmentally very normal that she does that, and I know that she thinks that she's helping, (and no, that is not how I speak to her ever... she has a rather annoying stern streak that comes out when she's in a certain mood), but it's also annoying and poor DS really doesn't need TWO people scolding him.

I have my methods of discipline/correcting my children, and I don't need a toddler interfering with those methods, distracting my child from the message I'm trying to impart, making my corrections into a pile-on, giving mixed signals about behavior that she herself barely understands, and making things a bigger deal than they need to be.

Toddlers do lots of age appropriate but inappropriate things, and it's our job as parents to gently correct their behaviors. When she does this, I would say "Sweetie, Sally's mother is talking to her right now. Why don't you come over here and look at this toy?"

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Old 08-13-2010, 07:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
I would be upset in this mothers shoes. Yeah two year olds are sometimes rude but it is your job as her parent to correct her and teach her better manners and to step in with god manners occaisionally. Honestly I would not put up with it for long before we found someone else to hang out with.
Yes. I think I'd be a little offended too.
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Old 08-13-2010, 07:08 PM
 
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Add me to the list of those who would be offended because you are not correcting your child. When she says that CC is not nice you should say to her, "CC is very nice, she just did something her Mommy didn't like," or "CC is just having a hard time right now but it is not okay to say she isn't nice." When she imitates CC whining you should say something like, "DD it isn't nice to make fun of other people." I am surprised at your attitude to the situation. How do you think children learn appropriate ways of behaving? It is your responsiblity to teach her appropriate social behaviour.

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Old 08-13-2010, 07:18 PM
 
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My just-turned-two-year-old does stuff like that to her older sister and she absolutely knows it winds her up. She calls her bad, mimics her and generally teases her and she gets quite a reaction! They are not always as innocent as they seem. So I would correct and redirect as other posters have said.
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Old 08-13-2010, 07:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by earthmama369 View Post
I think your daughter's behaving in a developmentally appropriate way, but there are a lot of things that are developmentally appropriate but that require a parent's redirection or social explanation. At 2, I could totally see my kids doing this. But at 2, I would also have intervened and explained that CC and her mother were having a private conversation and that it's not polite to mimic like that. Or that if CC was having a rough day, her mother will talk to her, not my DD. "That's not your job, sweetie," is a phrase you hear in my house fairly often.

It's sometimes easier with physical actions. If my 2-year-old hauls off and hits someone, I know they're acting their age but I also know that it's my job to show them how to find a different way to interact. Social actions can be trickier for me to figure out at times, but the same general principle applies.
I'm sure that in addition to being punished being mocked would have the potential to hurt feelings.
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Old 08-13-2010, 07:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
I wouldn't be upset/annoyed/offended that a 2 year old is telling a 3 year old that she's nice or that the 2yr old is imitating the whining....but I have to say I would be annoyed if it continued without the mom of the 2 yr old saying something to the 2 yr old. IMO, what your dd is doing is perfectly normal 2 yr old behavior, but that doesn't mean you don't teach her that it's not nice or try to correct her.

JMHO
ITA. I was going to say the same thing. It would be a good idea to use these occurances as teachable moments. If your DD's behavior keeps up without your intervention/guidance, you may find yourselves without this duo as a playdate partner.

ETA: My 2-year-old does the same thing to her 4.5 y.o. sister. Oh, she knows the mockery pushes DD1's buttons! I'm working on the behavior too, OP, so I know it's hard to convince a 2 that teasing isn't nice... so hard, but still important!

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Old 08-13-2010, 08:06 PM
 
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I agree with the pp. However I thought I would shine light on what the 3.5 yo might be feeling. My DS is VERY sensitive when he thinks that he has made a "mistake". He's 5 now but even at 3 he would be mortified if another child was also chiming in on what he did "wrong" by telling him he isn't nice. And if the other child was making fun of how he sounded when he was upset (whining/crying) it would only make him feel worse. In my opinion that is not how good friends behave. Yes the kids in this situation are too young for real friendships but its a good opportunity to teach how a caring friend should behave.
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Old 08-13-2010, 08:12 PM
 
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I'd be pretty annoyed too. Sorry. But it must be pretty maddening for the kids she's doing that to, and for it to go uncorrected would just add insult to injury.

When she steps in on discipline, I agree with the PPs that suggested just telling her that the other parent has it under control and then redirect. I used to have to do this with my daughter because she used to try and step in as the other kid's lawyer and still does on occasion.

For the mimicking, I don't think two is too young to try and teach about emotions and empathy. Maybe try talking, very simply of course, about why the other child is upset. It might at least distract her from mimicking them. Or you could just tell her that her behavior probably makes the other child sad and then redirect. I think as long as you're at least trying to address the behavior, then that will make a difference to everyone involved, and your DD will catch on eventually.
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Old 08-13-2010, 08:47 PM
 
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Just another vote for being annoyed (I don't know that 'offended' is the right word...) and probably disengaging w/ you if your 2 yr old (or any age really) kept teasing my kid and you didn't step in and say something. Just cause' its 'age appropriate' doesn't mean its OK.
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Old 08-13-2010, 09:23 PM
 
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I would want to hear you say something to your child I think. Something gentle, like, "Her mom is taking care of that, love." It wouldn't take much, but it would make my child feel better, and therefore would make me feel better.
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Old 08-13-2010, 11:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would want to hear you say something to your child I think. Something gentle, like, "Her mom is taking care of that, love." It wouldn't take much, but it would make my child feel better, and therefore would make me feel better.

Thank you. I wish I could thank all of the helpful posters. I can do this and I don't have a problem doing this. Honestly, I'm sorry CC's mom was PO'ed at me but the next time we're together if DD does this I will gently say something to her about it.
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Old 08-13-2010, 11:30 PM
 
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[QUOTE=gbailey;15733932] My daughter is two years old and the more she is corrected about certain things the more she will do it.
[QUOTE]

I think a nicely phrased sentiment to your DD as she does this would mollify the mom, as she is the one taking offense. More along the lines of social niceties and maintaining friendships rather than actually correcting your DD at the time...
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Old 08-13-2010, 11:33 PM
 
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It sounds to me like CC's mom phrased her discomfort in a weird way, which is what caused your confusion in the first place. I think she wanted you to say something, but instead sounded like she wanted your dd to act in a way that was not age appropriate. Just another example of dropping hints gone awry! It sounds like you have it under control now, and your next play date will be better!

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Old 08-13-2010, 11:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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[QUOTE=Cascadian;15733981][QUOTE=gbailey;15733932] My daughter is two years old and the more she is corrected about certain things the more she will do it.
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I think a nicely phrased sentiment to your DD as she does this would mollify the mom, as she is the one taking offense. More along the lines of social niceties and maintaining friendships rather than actually correcting your DD at the time...
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Old 08-13-2010, 11:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
I wouldn't be upset/annoyed/offended that a 2 year old is telling a 3 year old that she's nice or that the 2yr old is imitating the whining....but I have to say I would be annoyed if it continued without the mom of the 2 yr old saying something to the 2 yr old. IMO, what your dd is doing is perfectly normal 2 yr old behavior, but that doesn't mean you don't teach her that it's not nice or try to correct her.

JMHO
Ditto.
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Old 08-13-2010, 11:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It sounds to me like CC's mom phrased her discomfort in a weird way, which is what caused your confusion in the first place. I think she wanted you to say something, but instead sounded like she wanted your dd to act in a way that was not age appropriate. Just another example of dropping hints gone awry! It sounds like you have it under control now, and your next play date will be better!

Thanks and I think it will be too.
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Old 08-14-2010, 12:22 AM
 
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Yes, I agree with a simple "that is not for us to worry about right now, sweetie" should do the trick.

I know a child corrects adults all the time, appears to enjoy telling them they are wrong about something, and it drives me BONKERS. I can empathize with CC
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Old 08-14-2010, 01:06 AM
 
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I wouldn't be upset/annoyed/offended that a 2 year old is telling a 3 year old that she's nice or that the 2yr old is imitating the whining....but I have to say I would be annoyed if it continued without the mom of the 2 yr old saying something to the 2 yr old. IMO, what your dd is doing is perfectly normal 2 yr old behavior, but that doesn't mean you don't teach her that it's not nice or try to correct her.

JMHO

Once each play session and it's a cute "oh she's still in that phase" thing. Over and over and over and it would become quite annoying.
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Old 08-14-2010, 01:07 AM
 
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Thank you. I wish I could thank all of the helpful posters. I can do this and I don't have a problem doing this. Honestly, I'm sorry CC's mom was PO'ed at me but the next time we're together if DD does this I will gently say something to her about it.
Sounds good!

Of course, now that you've got a plan, she'll never do it again, and you won't get a chance to try your plan, right? Isn't that how it often goes.
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Old 08-14-2010, 01:15 AM
 
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I also think it would be helpful for you to apologize to the other little girl on your DD's behalf when this happens. Something like, "I'm sorry if what DD did/said hurt your feelings. She's a lot littler than you and still learning how to be a friend" or something like that. Not only might it help the other little girl not feel as bad about it, but it models caring about someone else's feelings and apologizing when you accidentally hurt some one for your daughter.
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Old 08-14-2010, 01:25 AM
 
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Honestly, I think the other mother is kinda touchy. I wonder why she didn't say something (nicely) to your dd like "CC isn't bad sweetie, she's just having a bad time right now etc". You probably wouldn't have thought twice about it. My friends and I gently correct each other's kids all the time. It seems to cause a lot less drama that way.

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Old 08-14-2010, 08:06 AM
 
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Honestly, I think the other mother is kinda touchy. I wonder why she didn't say something (nicely) to your dd like "CC isn't bad sweetie, she's just having a bad time right now etc". You probably wouldn't have thought twice about it. My friends and I gently correct each other's kids all the time. It seems to cause a lot less drama that way.
I don't agree with this. It's the OP's place to correct her daughter, especially if she is sitting right there when it happens.

gbailey, I think you have a good, mature friend, and honestly, I would thank her for coming to me and talking honestly about her feelings. It's hard to approach even a very good friend about these kid issues.
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Old 08-14-2010, 10:31 AM
 
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Oh my gosh, I had no idea this was a phase. DS does this all the time - to the dog! LOL. Luckily Sam doesn't care but I still him the right way to speak to him.

Plus if the other child is 3.5 they are going to be very touchy about what is said to them. My DS was upset for about 2 weeks when his friend called him a "poopy head."

I hope the next play date goes better.
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