Should I leave my nursing 13.5 mo for a Hawaiian vacation? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 07:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DH has a rare opportunity to take a business trip to Hawaii. His airfare and two nights would be paid for. It almost feels like winning Wheel of Fortune.

I have an almost 4 yo and a nursing 12 mo. I nursed DS1 until 25 months and hope to do the same with DS2. I have never pumped. DS2 has never taken a bottle. The potential care providers (in our home) would be the ILs. DS1 will be totally fine with them for a week. DS2 has only been with them twice in his young life and more importantly, has never had a babysitter or even DH care for him without me more than say 30 minutes.

DH and I have not had any real couple time since DS1 was born, so the trip would really be like a second honeymoon. He really wants me to leave DS2 behind, saying that there 1)be more time for us and 2)there is so much more we can do (snorkeling, biking, etc). Both points are valid, but I still think we can have a good time with DS2. If he fusses about being the ergo or baby hiker more than he wants, then so be it. We can take turns on some of the water sports. DH is supportive of me pumping 3 hr around the clock (but I don't have a pump).

I worry about leaving DS2. I would be an anxious worried mess. Would he take a bottle? Would he nurse again when I returned? I do NOT want to wean. I know he would be in loving hands, but it would no doubt be emotionally hard on him and the ILs.

The flight will be from the US east coast, so really long.

Has anyone gone to Hawaii with a young toddler? How was it?

Other thoughts? TIA...
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#2 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 07:36 PM
 
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Yikes, that is soo tough. When is this trip? How much practice could you get pumping/bottle-feeding/babysitting before then?

If was in that position I would probably spend my energy trying to figure out a way to bring the babe. But I understand your husband's position too. Also, you could make a deal with him to fit in weekly couple time/date night from now on without the kids. That way this opportunity for couple time wouldn't seem so precious and desperate, does that make sense? His need for lots of kid free couple time is valid, but it doesn't only have to be a long trip away...

Good luck!
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#3 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 07:48 PM
 
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I'd take the baby, personally. 13 mos. is really little, to me. That's how old my youngest was when I was hospitalized for 3 weeks - and I guess I just wouldn't separate intentionally at that age. Especially I he didn't take a bottle and co-slept.

We have taken an 11 month old to Hawaii, and it was a lot of fun. Not once did I wish we had left her home. There are bars on the beach, and such, so it wasn't like we had to just hang out in our hotel, or anything. You could always plan another trip for snorkeling after your LO has weaned.

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#4 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 07:59 PM
 
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I would try to take both kids. I know that means buying a seat for your older DS (not sure if you were planning on having your 13mo in your lap) but I would definitely consider future family harmony on this one.

Can you imagine in ten years from now, your older DS looking at pictures of the trip to Hawaii with you and DH and the baby, and not him? Even though he may not really get what is going on now, I would be willing to bet "Remember when everyone but me went to Hawaii and you left me with Grandma?" would be brought up during family gatherings for the rest of your lives! LOL.

My brother still complains about having to give up his room to me when I was born. I can't imagine if he had been left behind on a trip. We would never hear the end of it.

I don't know if I could leave a 13mo in order to go on a trip, nursing or not. But if you do take the baby, take your older child too.

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#5 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 08:00 PM
 
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If you decide to leave DS, you need to make peace with the possibility of weaning. My sister went on a trip without her 12 mo old baby for a week, intending to nurse when she got home (we are HUGE on nursing and since their BF relationship was so great she thought they could just pick it back up.) Did not work and she was devastated.

If it were me, no question I would take him. We traveled across country with all 3 kids when our youngest was 14 mo. He did just fine with the travel. You can talk to your doc about medication for air sickness if needed (would probably make him sleepy on the plane.) Nursing baby on the plane makes things go smoothly.

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#6 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 08:01 PM
 
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I would not.

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#7 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 08:15 PM
 
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In my family we'd all go-- including the in-laws. Eta: with a 1-year-old I mean. With a 2-year-old we'd go on our own since it is only 2 nights. Eta again: I don't think it is wrong per se to leave a 1-year-old with loving grandparents for 2 nights, but it would be a lot of bother and stress and not worth it to me for what is supposed to be a relaxing time.
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#8 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 08:17 PM
 
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If it were me, I wouldn't leave without him, but I'd take him. I wouldn't leave a nursing, co-sleeping baby, because that's what they're used to and it would be very difficult for them to be away from their moms. But kids are mobile!
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#9 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 08:27 PM
 
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I wouldn't personally be comfortable with leaving such a young nursling behind, and since I can't imagine taking one child but not the other, I'd try to figure out a way to bring both. Otherwise I think I wouldn't go at all.

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#10 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 08:32 PM
 
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i personally wouldn't go either. i know i would go crazy wondering and thinking about how my dc was.

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#11 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 08:33 PM
 
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Given the scenario you describe, I would not be comfortable leaving the babe behind.
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#12 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 09:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ladylove View Post
I worry about leaving DS2. I would be an anxious worried mess. Would he take a bottle? Would he nurse again when I returned? I do NOT want to wean. I know he would be in loving hands, but it would no doubt be emotionally hard on him and the ILs.
if you already know this about you, then there is no point going is there?

however your dh deserves a honeymoon.

can you afford to take a 3rd person? to watch your baby while you and dh get some one on one time.

my parents thought the same thing too. they were just going out for a movie. they just could not focus and came home midway.

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#13 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 09:32 PM
 
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I wasn't totally clear from your post, I think at first I thought you were planning on going for a week, but then when I re-read it I thought maybe it was only for 2 days. I have a ds close to your ds#2's age. He's a month younger, but he's had lots of babysitters, he doesn't co-sleep, he is nightweaned, only nurses a handfull of times during the day, has spent tons of time with my in-laws etc. and there is still NO way I'd leave him for an entire week. On the other-hand my husband and I are planning to leave him and his big-sister with the in-laws for 2 nights either in October or the following february and I'm not too concerned.

I have also taken a trip to Hawaii with a young toddler (when dd was 18 months) and frankly it wasn't all that fun. When I go to Hawaii I want to sit and relax on the beach, or go boogie boarding and snorkeling in the water, and go out to eat at nice restaurants, none of which are easy to do with a toddler. Either me or my husband had to be chasing our dd around the whole time. Which meant we never got to hang out together. So the whole vacation you're stuck either playing with the baby in the pool together (which was fun) or you're snorkeling alone (who wants to snorkel alone). And then of course my dd still was napping, so we were stuck in the hotel room right at midday when we wanted to be out doing stuff. Since that trip I've said that I'm not going back to Hawaii until my youngest is at least 3 and my kids can go to Hotel day camp. The thing is I'm not against vacationing with kids in general, I think going to places where you're sightseeing a lot and walking around so your toddler can hang out in a carrier on your back or take a nap in the stroller while you see the sights works out nicely. But I don't think Hawaii is the trip to take with a toddler.

So if it's only for two nights I'd just leave the toddler with big bro and the in-laws and have fun. I definitely think it's too much travel to make it worth taking the baby for so a short trip. If it's for a week, I would just skip it all together. Or I suppose if you're not paying for it, you could just take the baby with you and know that even if it's not your dream Hawaiian vacation at least you're getting a change of scenery.

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#14 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 10:21 PM
 
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It's not something I did with my daughter at that age but it's something I wish I would've done because pretty much every other parent I know left their small child for a week or weekend every now and then and it was fine, everyone lived, things weren't half as bad as I would've imagined - mostly, they weren't bad at all and everyone had a good time (all one sentence! Mistress of the Run On!).

Now my daughter is much older and hasn't spent the night without us. I think we missed the window where it would've been a fun novelty that became a normal, no big deal thing and we're into an area where she's never done it so she's anxious.

Parents need grown up time. Fine, if some couples think they don't and it's working for them, fine, that's great! But if you feel you need it, you probably do. Even very very good relationships can become strained if you don't give them some attention.

So if you have caregivers you trust and an older sibling to set the tone (I think that's really important - big bro or sis thinks it's no big deal so it must be ok) then GO FOR IT and deal with the fall out when you get back.
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#15 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 11:19 PM
 
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I couldn't have done it with my DD when she was that age - she would NOT have been impressed, to say the least.

If you took him with you, could you find a babysitter there to watch him for a few evenings? That way you get some couple time, and if he's traumatised by it, well, at least he's less traumatised than if he were left for a week... Some resorts have daycare-type arrangements, so you could even leave him there for a bit to go snorkel or whatever.

I sympathise with your DH. It seems fathers/husbands often don't quite "get" how attached babies are. DH was champing to leave DD overnight with my parents when she was only 6 months old and waking half a dozen times a night for feedings. She's 2.5 now, and I still wouldn't/couldn't leave her overnight - funnily enough, he seems to get it now she's older, even though she's a lot more self-sufficient than she was.

Good luck! I hope you find something that works out for you - it does sound like a great opportunity.

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#16 of 47 Old 09-06-2010, 11:34 PM
 
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i couldn't leave either dd for a week. we brought dd1 on our week long honeymoon to aruba & had a blast. she turned 1 on that trip.

of course we would LOVE couples time but one night away would be good...i just asked him & he said "yeah, i wish we were dtd more, but i couldn't be away from them for more than a night or 2 before i'd really miss them. they are just so little right now."

we would never pass up the trip either though, so we would take advantage of situation & all go. but keep saving up for that dream couples trip in 8 years or so...

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#17 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 04:19 AM
 
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Originally Posted by junipermuse View Post
So if it's only for two nights I'd just leave the toddler with big bro and the in-laws and have fun. I definitely think it's too much travel to make it worth taking the baby for so a short trip. If it's for a week, I would just skip it all together. Or I suppose if you're not paying for it, you could just take the baby with you and know that even if it's not your dream Hawaiian vacation at least you're getting a change of scenery.
That's what I think, too.

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#18 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 08:01 AM
 
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I would leave both kids and go! It's two nights and your kids are well served by having parents who have a strong marriage.
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#19 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 08:15 AM
 
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I would not leave a child that young. I would not leave a child until after the age of weaning at least (between 3-5 yo). It will be devastating to the baby IMO. Especially if you are like me and have not left the baby at all except for short periods of time. It will affect you and LO. I would not be able to relax at all personally. I went to a mom meeting the other day without my 20 mo. She was with my parenting partner. I could not concentrate. I missed her so much. I was only away from her for 3 hours total (dd1 and I shopped for food too). I was bummed I didn't even enjoy my 1 on 1 time with dd1. I think it is a valid point also that if you take the baby, the older child may resent it later or now. The absolute best would be for the ILs, both LOs, you and your hubby to go... then you could score a few hours alone time with hubby as ILs do fun things with LOs,--- maybe. Personally I only relax when dd2 is asleep for now. I know from experience with dd1 that changes later, especially after weaning, which for dd2 I hope will be at least 4 yo, but whenever she and I are both done is fine too.

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#20 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 08:37 AM
 
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i think you should bring the baby and hire a babysitter while there so you can go do some couple stuff. i would be ok with leaving the baby too, but since you haven't ever left her before (or pumped, etc) i think it's probably too many new things to figure out at once to make it fun. this way, you have a change of scenery, you and your husband get some alone time, and your baby doesn't have too much of a change to deal with. the hotel will probably be able to arrange a nanny service if you call and ask.

as for leaving your other child, don't worry about it. my sisters and i have all gotten to go on different trips or stayed at home for different reasons throughout our childhoods. my youngest sister got to go along on a really long and all expenses paid trip to australia when we were teens. she was the only one too young to stay behind, and while yeah, i'm a tad jealous (it was a REALLY nice trip), i know there was a reason, and i enjoyed the novelty of being home without my parents. your ds will understand that his sibling was too little to stay home, and will enjoy his week at the ILs.
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#21 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 08:53 AM
 
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I don't see where the OP has made mention that taking any of the children is an option. You might be talking more airline seats which will not be paid for. You also have a looooong flight to think of.

I couldn't leave the little one. I know so many people who left their babies with realitives at 6 months and up and I just couldn't do it. I'd be worried about how they were doing. And that's not including the breastfeeding issues.

I truly, truly sympathize with your dh, but now just doesn't seem like a great tine for you to go. There will be others!

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#22 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 10:47 AM
 
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I say go and have a good time. I had to leave my ds2 for the first time at 9 months old to attend a funeral 10 hours away. I'd never left him for long periods before (maybe long enough to catch a movie, max) and he did fine. He did great! He had an absolute blast with my grandmother and went back to nursing without issue. We left him again when he was 16 months old, this time for 4 nights (dh had the big V and we were worried about the boys jumping on him and busting stitches) and, again, he had a blast. They stayed so busy going and doing that I don't know if he even noticed I was gone. However, he'd already weaned due to my current pregnancy, so I didn't have that to worry about.

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#23 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 11:30 AM
 
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Go. Have a blast. I would in a heartbeat.

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#24 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 11:42 AM
 
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LOL.. I think I'd BEG my inlaws to go too. (and get their own room) so you guys could trade half days with each other for snorkeling and swimming. Maybe a night or two, the kids could sleep over in grandma's room.

Yes, you two need some alone time. Yes, you deserve it. Yes, he deserves it. But, would you feel right leaving both kids?

If you do decide to leave both kids, (and I support that if you do) I would try ds2 on a sippy cup instead of a bottle. He might take to that better, and that with table food should keep him well fed while you are gone.

Either way, I hope you go, and I hope you all have a wonderful time.
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#25 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 12:00 PM
 
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I would do it. When my dd was 13 months old, I went on a business trip without her. She never did learn to take the bottle. I did pump, and I was used to pumping, but during my trip, I pumped and dumped because transporting breastmilk at that that time was such a hassle. mI left her with my husband, but if my in-laws were willing and I trusted them, then I would do it in a heartbeat. Couple time is very important, and so rare. I returned home to my dd, who went back to nursing just as strong as ever. She weaned herself at the age of 3 years old. If you choose to go without your child, I'm sure it will probably be just fine.
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#26 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 12:10 PM
 
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Personally, I'd extend the trip to be a week and take both kids.

We took our kids there at 1 and 4. I went there as a kid at those ages.

I wouldn't go to Hawaii for 2 days. That doesn't sound fun at all. You wouldn't get to do/see anything.
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#27 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 12:14 PM
 
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Do it! 2 nights is perfect, that's not too long. If your in-laws are willing to do it, trust that everyone will be fine and go! They're in loving hands, they will have tons of fun. Your nursling will nurse just fine when you get back, just pump and dump with a hand pump while you're gone to relieve the pressure.

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#28 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 12:17 PM
 
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Oh, it's only 2 days? I must have mis read. I wouldn't even bother to that far away for 2 days. You won't even get over the long flight and you'll be on your way back again.
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#29 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 12:17 PM
 
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Personally, I'd extend the trip to be a week and take both kids.

We took our kids there at 1 and 4. I went there as a kid at those ages.

I wouldn't go to Hawaii for 2 days. That doesn't sound fun at all. You wouldn't get to do/see anything.
The trip is a business trip and is free for her DH - I'm guessing all other tickets and accommodations are going to cost them out of pocket. I understand the family togetherness idea, but really? Turn a basically free couple's weekend into a fully-funded family vacation? You wouldn't get to do/see anything with two babies along either.

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#30 of 47 Old 09-07-2010, 12:24 PM
 
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Oh, it's only 2 days? I must have mis read. I wouldn't even bother to that far away for 2 days. You won't even get over the long flight and you'll be on your way back again.
I misread that too! LOL. Two days is a disappointment! I was all excited for her.

But, yes, for two days, I'd go without the kids. I wouldn't even feel bad about it.
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