My friend discipling my child in front of me - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 100 Old 09-21-2010, 04:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Peppermint Leaf View Post
Does anyone think its odd that the OP posted this 3 days ago and has never come back to clarify her original Post
actually i dont.

she admitted her mistake - basically 'bashed' herself and said the best she could explain.

and many of us continue to 'bash her' (not that's what we are doing but i am sure that's how it feels for her).

so if i was in her shoes this would be a v. hard thread for me to read. its hard to be confirmed that we did wrong.

so that's why i dont find it odd that OP has not come back to clarify. in fact is there a reason to clarify. i can see it getting worse.

she had a purpose and she got her answer.

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#92 of 100 Old 09-21-2010, 04:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Peppermint Leaf View Post
Does anyone think its odd that the OP posted this 3 days ago and has never come back to clarify her original Post
no. my guess is she only wanted responses that went along the lines of "your friend is horrible and what she did was horrible! you are wonderful!" and when she didn't get that, she stopped wanting to read the responses.

sometimes it's hard to not get the response you expect.

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#93 of 100 Old 09-21-2010, 05:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Peppermint Leaf View Post
Does anyone think its odd that the OP posted this 3 days ago and has never come back to clarify her original Post
No she probably has a life and doesn't come here every day. Three days ago was a weekend...

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#94 of 100 Old 09-21-2010, 05:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Multimomma View Post
And I think taking aside to another room might have been a way to avoid embarrassment. To me, it would have meant that she didn't want to embarrass the child in front of all the other kids by pointing out those things in front of them. So it's not necessarily this malicious, 'get them away and be mean' idea, that's how we handle things here. It's not the business of other children, who could take that and tease her for it later.

.
I totally agree. They could have also been in the room because girl clearly wanted to play with boy and maybe mom thought a more quiet less stimulating environment would be a better way for them to play. Or because she wanted to get away from the noise and distraction where the kids could express themselves and mom could step in if need be. Or so mom could facilitate a conversation.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#95 of 100 Old 09-24-2010, 01:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much for all the responses. I'm sorry that I have not come back to clarify. My friend took my daughter and her son to another room in front of me without telling me anything. I think that was the part that I was offended most. I feel that I should have given a chance to correct my daughter since it was not my intention to let my daughter behave that way. If she gave my daughter a warning, I probably would've taken her out to the side to talk to her.

I think I'm offended more because of my relationship with my friend. We used to be very close but not at heart any more. My daughter tends to be aggressive with her son. I think partly because her son is so mellow and won't fight back hard. Also they spent a lot of time together since they were 1. So my daughter treats him like her little brother.
I think she is annoyed that I'm not doing enough to stop my daughter. I'm trying my best but I'm not always so vigilant. But she is super sensitive and notices everything. She is also very strict with teaching him manners (like always sitting at the table to eat, etc) while I'm more lax. She often makes me feel like I'm not a good parent. Now I have a baby, it becomes harder for me to be vigilant for my daughter. She usually plays quite well with most kids these days. So I started to relax and this happened.
I also noticed that my friend was getting distant from me and hanging out with moms with younger girls who are more gentle. I think I need to take a break from her and her son.
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#96 of 100 Old 09-24-2010, 04:47 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sora View Post
My friend took my daughter and her son to another room in front of me without telling me anything. I think that was the part that I was offended most. I feel that I should have given a chance to correct my daughter since it was not my intention to let my daughter behave that way.





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Originally Posted by sora View Post
I think I'm offended more because of my relationship with my friend. We used to be very close but not at heart any more. My daughter tends to be aggressive with her son. I think partly because her son is so mellow and won't fight back hard. Also they spent a lot of time together since they were 1. So my daughter treats him like her little brother.
I think she is annoyed that I'm not doing enough to stop my daughter. I'm trying my best but I'm not always so vigilant. But she is super sensitive and notices everything. She is also very strict with teaching him manners (like always sitting at the table to eat, etc) while I'm more lax. She often makes me feel like I'm not a good parent. Now I have a baby, it becomes harder for me to be vigilant for my daughter. She usually plays quite well with most kids these days. So I started to relax and this happened.
I also noticed that my friend was getting distant from me and hanging out with moms with younger girls who are more gentle. I think I need to take a break from her and her son.
It sounds like there is a temperament mismatch between the kids, and a parenting style difference between you and your friend. I've also experienced this. My kids are the louder and wilder type, and they want to get a response out of other kids. They don't mix well with quiet children because they keep escalating their attempts to get a satisfying response. I do my best to keep them from being too disruptive, but I cannot change who they are, and I cannot be on their case every second. Parents with quiet kids and loftier ideas of "control" and "manners" are a mismatch for me and my kids, because no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I could never contain my children enough to meet the standards of someone like this. I've learned to not even attempt relationships when that is the situation. There is too much that is too different. A break would probably be less stressful for you both.

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#97 of 100 Old 09-24-2010, 12:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sora View Post
I think I'm offended more because of my relationship with my friend. We used to be very close but not at heart any more. My daughter tends to be aggressive with her son. I think partly because her son is so mellow and won't fight back hard. Also they spent a lot of time together since they were 1. So my daughter treats him like her little brother.
I think she is annoyed that I'm not doing enough to stop my daughter. I'm trying my best but I'm not always so vigilant. But she is super sensitive and notices everything. She is also very strict with teaching him manners (like always sitting at the table to eat, etc) while I'm more lax. She often makes me feel like I'm not a good parent. Now I have a baby, it becomes harder for me to be vigilant for my daughter. She usually plays quite well with most kids these days. So I started to relax and this happened.
I also noticed that my friend was getting distant from me and hanging out with moms with younger girls who are more gentle. I think I need to take a break from her and her son.
I have been in this exact same situation and it is hard. I have a spirited DD too and have found that as she gets older, things have gotten better.

I think it hurts more for us, the mom, to loose friendships when temperament and parenting mismatches become to big to overcome.

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Originally Posted by laundrycrisis View Post







It sounds like there is a temperament mismatch between the kids, and a parenting style difference between you and your friend. I've also experienced this. My kids are the louder and wilder type, and they want to get a response out of other kids. They don't mix well with quiet children because they keep escalating their attempts to get a satisfying response. I do my best to keep them from being too disruptive, but I cannot change who they are, and I cannot be on their case every second. Parents with quiet kids and loftier ideas of "control" and "manners" are a mismatch for me and my kids, because no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I could never contain my children enough to meet the standards of someone like this. I've learned to not even attempt relationships when that is the situation. There is too much that is too different. A break would probably be less stressful for you both.

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#98 of 100 Old 09-24-2010, 12:41 PM
 
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I want to encourage you though. I was a mom who worked really hard to teach her child manners and expected her to obey etc. It meant that I had to put some friendships on hold with people who chose a different path. It totally sucked. I missed my friend and that closeness but I didn't enjoy hanging out with their rowdy and wild kids (it was often embarrassing and hard for me to enjoy the time with my friend), dd often ended up getting physically hurt and the worst was even when her kids were tearing around being crazy I still expected mine to behave and she would feel torn and it would be awkward for me to tell dd "xyz is naughty and you may not do it" while friends kids were doing xyz. I am sure friend felt judged but at the same time no way was I going to let dd do that.

ON THE UP SIDE....

Once the friends kids mellowed out and grew up we rekindled our relationship and those kids are still my dd best friends (they are between the ages of 13 and 15 now). I think I changed some and friend changed some and kids grew up etc....

So maybe it is a good time to take a break from a friend who has such a different philosophy about raising children and how children should act etc It doesn't mean either one of you are right or wrong. Its just hard to hang out with kids in such a teaching season. Keep in touch, maybe hang out without the kids, and then when the time is right you guys can be close mom friends again.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#99 of 100 Old 09-24-2010, 12:52 PM
 
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I have been following this thread with a lot of interest... it brings me back to the days of having a toddler

sora- I wonder how come when you saw your friend taking the kids out of the room you didn't say anything? Seems like that would've been the time to say something before you became uncomfortable.

I think I am hearing two things from you- on one hand you agree your DD should've stopped and on the other had you say you are more relaxed and didn't have a problem with it. I think you are getting at the issue of balance- we all have parenting difference and kids with different personalities. No one parent and child should do all the adjusting or accommodating... both pairs should do some of the work. Sometimes it is hard to know in the moment what to do.

All that said, it is really hard when friendships shift because of parenting. It is easier when your kids are older because you can do more explaining outside of the situation, and kids get better at working things out themselves, and you might even have some time for your own friendships.

Hang in there mamas.

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#100 of 100 Old 09-24-2010, 02:06 PM
 
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No one parent and child should do all the adjusting or accommodating... both pairs should do some of the work. Sometimes it is hard to know in the moment what to do.
.......
All that said, it is really hard when friendships shift because of parenting.


I have had both sides of the continuum be a problem.

I choose not to be around people with high-energy kids who don't make any attempt to control their kids at all, because since mine also tend toward wildness, and I am trying to balance teaching them appropriate behavior and self-control without crushing them with constant criticism, I feel it undermines my efforts when we are around kids who are wilder than them and parents who have much looser expectations than I do.

I also have a hard time being around people with naturally quieter kids, and/or much stricter ideas of behavior control than I have. The naturally quiet kids are understandably overwhelmed by my children, and I think their parents don't understand why I can't just tell my kids to calm down, because they've never experienced a wilder temperament and don't get that I need to pick my battles, and that what they are seeing usually is the calmed down version and I am making significant efforts to contain them.

They also have one friend who is told "no" to almost everything he wants to do that is loud or boyish. When we spend time with him, he is told "no, no, no" to tons of things that I see no problem with letting my kids do. I am not talking about misbehaviors - I'm talking about normal play activities for energetic boys. When we are with him I feel bad when my kids do stuff he's not allowed to, so I end up feeling like I have to tell them they can't do that right now because their friend can't. It's hard on them and me, and we spend less time with this friend as a result.

It's tough to be friends when the kids are really different, and the parents have different ideas. IMO it's almost impossible when there's not an effort from both sides to meet in the middle.

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