Need to vent a bit. Have a friend who always seems to need to 'one-up' me.*Updated situation fixed it's self* - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 34 Old 09-20-2010, 12:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I hate talking about this, but I figure venting about it here will keep me from whining about this in rl....maybe, lol.

I have a very good friend who has a dd very close in age to mine. We do a lot together, as do our children. She's always been a little eccentric and outgoing ( which I LOVE her for btw) but lately she has been seeming to need to 'one-up' me on almost EVERYTHING I talk to her about. Mostly this takes place on facebook, lame I know. I'll post something about my dd so my mother can know and not even an hour later my friend posts something about her dd, similar, but different and always just a bit 'better' than what my dd just did( ex. I say "dd just counted to 10, I'm proud". Friend says, " my dd just counted to ten in french, yup my kid's smarter than you!") Or I'll tell her about something interesting I did or read and I'll see later that day that she has posted about it on facebook claiming it was something she did and that everyone should be super impressed with her. It has come to the point that I don't feel I can use this particular social network to convey things to my family anymore, for fear of her jumping all over it. I felt for a little while that I was just being silly or maybe jealous in a way that she seemed to be taking ideas from me and getting attention for it, but since it has been involving things about my child I'm just plain annoyed with her.

Has anyone had friends like this before? I am being too sensitive? I'm usually such a confrontation avoider but I'm feeling like I should bring it up before I let it stew for too long and ruin our friendship.

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#2 of 34 Old 09-20-2010, 01:27 AM
 
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I know someone like this!

I've learned over the years to respond with "Yup, you're better than me, that's for sure!" and then grin REALLY cheesy and wait for the awkward. Then pass the bean dip

As for Facebook, I'd suggest either holding back info you'd like to share 'first', or if she shares it, jump on her wall and say 'wow that is so neat, I just mentioned that to you today and you did it already! Cool!'

After a while she'll get the hint. Or you'll at least get more talented at avoiding sharing things that you don't want her to one up or own It takes a little finesse, but it can be done!

Good luck mama

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#3 of 34 Old 09-20-2010, 01:28 AM
 
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Does she seriously write "yup, my kid's smarter than yours " on your FB? Or did you tack that on to show the spirit of what she wrote? If she's writing it on her own FB then that's even more freaky, since she's basically acting like she wants to throw down with literally every parent in her friends list.

If she really is writing the smarter than yours comment, I'd just keep about your business. Every single one of your friends and family are going to think she is an annoying you know what, because that's rather strange behavior.

If it gets to you, block her. That way, should you want to, you can go to her page and see what she's up to, but you can't see any of her silly comments. If you do genuinely care about her as a friend, I might point out what she's doing (NOT ON FB) and tell her that it kind of bugs you and you don't want your other friends and family to get the "wrong impression" of her.
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#4 of 34 Old 09-20-2010, 01:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, she doesn't say her kid's smarter than mine, she says her kid is smarter than YOU, as in smarter than everyone on her friend list, lol. If she had said her dd was smarter than mine I would have said something to her long ago.

I feel conflicted because I know she's going through a hard time. We've been friends for quite a few years and she's never done these things before. It seems to be correlating with her recent breakup with her bf. I think I may just start withholding information on facebook and see what happens. Hopefully this will stop on it's own. She's pretty much my only friend ( at least in the state) and I'm worried if I say something it'll damage our friendship.

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#5 of 34 Old 09-20-2010, 01:41 AM
 
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You could always set your privacy setting on posts to exclude certain people from seeing those that might trigger the one upmanship.

(I do that to exclude my MIL from seeing posts about babies that get her hopes up waaaay to early for us lol)
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#6 of 34 Old 09-20-2010, 01:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You could always set your privacy setting on posts to exclude certain people from seeing those that might trigger the one upmanship.

(I do that to exclude my MIL from seeing posts about babies that get her hopes up waaaay to early for us lol)
This is an excellent idea! I think I will do just that! Thanks

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#7 of 34 Old 09-20-2010, 01:57 AM
 
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You can also hide her, so you don't see her updates unless you specifically go to her page.

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#8 of 34 Old 09-20-2010, 11:49 AM
 
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Or I'll tell her about something interesting I did or read and I'll see later that day that she has posted about it on facebook claiming it was something she did and that everyone should be super impressed with her.
Okay, that's weird. I wouldn't be able to refrain from posting a comment with something like, "What a ... coincidence."

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#9 of 34 Old 09-24-2010, 08:55 PM
 
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Yeah, experiment with changing your privacy settings to "hide" your status updates from her. She'll never even notice that youre not in her news feed anymore. You can always un-hide it from her later on.
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#10 of 34 Old 09-25-2010, 11:20 AM
 
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#11 of 34 Old 09-25-2010, 03:34 PM
 
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Maybe you could write updates about your LO directly on your mom's wall for a bit? Unless your friend and your mom are FB friends, it won't show up on her news feeds.

It's really kind of you to tolerate those comments from her. I hope you are right about this being a result of a recent break-up. I'd probably be less sensitive and say something like "Really? I guess your LO "wins" then. Your 1st place ribbon is in the mail."

Cause I'm sarcastic and snarky that way.
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#12 of 34 Old 09-27-2010, 11:16 AM
 
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Ugh, that would really bug me to no end! I have to say, though, that I think I run the danger of being that person at times. If I had not read your whole post I would probably have said something like this:

My kid is a handful in many ways, but he's also very advanced in most things. I felt like I could never post things on Facebook about him potty training in 2 days at 18 months or doing math in his head (with no instruction) at 26 months. I am proud of him, he's just such a special little guy, and I feel like I can't share this stuff because it looks too braggy.

HOWEVER 2 things:

ONE: I have learned that if I am going to announce something I am really proud of (that is generally 'ahead' of his peers), I do it in my own status update NOT as a response to another proud parent's pride for their kid!! I am very careful with this one because I realize how it sounds when my cousin says "Johnny just said his first word!!!" (Johnny's 11 months, let's say) and I say "Oh, neat, Quinn said his first at 7 months and had about 50 words by 11 months...he's so darned smart". That would be beyond rude.

and TWO: Your friend is going way past that! Claiming your achievements and ideas as her own? That's pretty egregious. Patience and understanding are great virtues to start with, but you need to speak to her about how this makes you feel and if it continues you'd be best to let her go.
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#13 of 34 Old 09-27-2010, 01:57 PM
 
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Maybe if you can post something on your own wall/status update about how you are not trying to brag, etc, when you post about your child's accomplishments but that you just want to share these things with family/friends who don't live nearby.

Then, take a little break from posting those kind of things for a week or two.

Once you start to post stuff again, see if she is still trying to outdo you. If so, I'd ask her outright if she is offended/bothered when you post them. If you make it seem like it may be something that you are doing, she may open her eyes to how her own comments are looking.

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#14 of 34 Old 09-27-2010, 02:41 PM
 
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I'd just put her on a list of people who can't see my updates, and hide her from my feed. You have every right to post updates about your children and shouldn't let one person's...oddness...stop you from sharing them with your other friends and family.

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#15 of 34 Old 09-27-2010, 06:51 PM
 
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And, if you need a chuckle, watch this...

http://mompetition.blogspot.com/2010...m-friends.html

Some moms will always be like that. Doesn't make it any easier to take them, though.

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#16 of 34 Old 09-27-2010, 10:59 PM
 
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I think I have a personality defeat because I read your thread title and immediately wanted to post that I have TWO friends who do this.

Obviously, I need some therapy.

Anyway, I'm no help on FaceBook stuff but when people do things like this IRL, I just switch the conversation to them and their kid and say things like "you must be so proud." (And I think less of them as human beings if they make a habit of it).

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#17 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 11:52 AM
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I think I have a personality defeat because I read your thread title and immediately wanted to post that I have TWO friends who do this.
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#18 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 01:07 PM
 
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I think I have a personality defeat because I read your thread title and immediately wanted to post that I have TWO friends who do this.
Oh yeah? Well I invented one-upping, so there.


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#19 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 02:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the great advice!

I hid her news feed and have been mostly ignoring comments and not really talking about dd. That helped for a bit until I hit my threshold for tolerance last week:S
My friend and her lo came over to our house to play and she was just a sucking hole of negativity. We had had someone try to break into our house last week and when I told her she pretty much just acted disgusted with me for being so stupid as to leave our front door unlocked while I was sitting right by it( someone walked right into our house while I was sitting and reading). She asked if my dh had yelled at me for being this dumb and that if it had been HER she would have whipped out some magical kung fu skills she supposedly had and taken care of said intruder. Yeah, sure. The evening continued with lot's of criticism from her about anything and everything I was doing/cooking/saying.

Yeah, I'm just done.

I can handle online issues for the most part but the fact that I was feeling vulnerable and shook up and she treated me like dirt was just the last straw.I told dh that I'm not going to invite her to things anymore or make a point of hanging out. I feel like I've put up with a TON of bs from her and she can figure out whatever it is that she's dealing with that's making her so mean on her own.

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#20 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 02:24 PM
 
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Thanks for all the great advice!

I hid her news feed and have been mostly ignoring comments and not really talking about dd. That helped for a bit until I hit my threshold for tolerance last week:S
My friend and her lo came over to our house to play and she was just a sucking hole of negativity. We had had someone try to break into our house last week and when I told her she pretty much just acted disgusted with me for being so stupid as to leave our front door unlocked while I was sitting right by it( someone walked right into our house while I was sitting and reading). She asked if my dh had yelled at me for being this dumb and that if it had been HER she would have whipped out some magical kung fu skills she supposedly had and taken care of said intruder. Yeah, sure. The evening continued with lot's of criticism from her about anything and everything I was doing/cooking/saying.

Yeah, I'm just done.

I can handle online issues for the most part but the fact that I was feeling vulnerable and shook up and she treated me like dirt was just the last straw.I told dh that I'm not going to invite her to things anymore or make a point of hanging out. I feel like I've put up with a TON of bs from her and she can figure out whatever it is that she's dealing with that's making her so mean on her own.
Geez, she sounds really insensitive. I bet the break-in was so scary, I'm sorry that happened!

It sounds like you're making a good choice by backing off from her for now.

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#21 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 07:17 PM
 
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How sad is it that she can never think of stuff to share about her kid without reminders from your FB status?
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#22 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 07:25 PM
 
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Geez, she sounds really insensitive. I bet the break-in was so scary, I'm sorry that happened!

It sounds like you're making a good choice by backing off from her for now.
:

Only, : maybe you could let her "borrow" a few more status updates first? Stuff that'll be really obvious to her IRL friends that she was lying? "My dd loves to recite sonnets!"

Or "I just read The Higher Education of J. Philip Stone by Paul Sheldon"

Or post about a book you did read and make a huge deal about something that never happened.

And a couple hours after she "borrows" the plant, you delete your post.
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#23 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 07:28 PM
 
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Sometimes when we finally back up a bit and look at our friends and how they treat us, we realize they were never really our friends. I think this woman is just bad news. For someone to call you dumb or imply such is not very friendly. I'd stop pursuing this friendship if it were me. {{hugs}}
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#24 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 07:43 PM
 
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I hate talking about this, but I figure venting about it here will keep me from whining about this in rl....maybe, lol.

I have a very good friend who has a dd very close in age to mine. We do a lot together, as do our children. She's always been a little eccentric and outgoing ( which I LOVE her for btw) but lately she has been seeming to need to 'one-up' me on almost EVERYTHING I talk to her about. Mostly this takes place on facebook, lame I know. I'll post something about my dd so my mother can know and not even an hour later my friend posts something about her dd, similar, but different and always just a bit 'better' than what my dd just did( ex. I say "dd just counted to 10, I'm proud". Friend says, " my dd just counted to ten in french, yup my kid's smarter than you!") Or I'll tell her about something interesting I did or read and I'll see later that day that she has posted about it on facebook claiming it was something she did and that everyone should be super impressed with her. It has come to the point that I don't feel I can use this particular social network to convey things to my family anymore, for fear of her jumping all over it. I felt for a little while that I was just being silly or maybe jealous in a way that she seemed to be taking ideas from me and getting attention for it, but since it has been involving things about my child I'm just plain annoyed with her.

Has anyone had friends like this before? I am being too sensitive? I'm usually such a confrontation avoider but I'm feeling like I should bring it up before I let it stew for too long and ruin our friendship.
I am not a fan of facebook. You really cannot relate it to relationship. I would not put one ounce of energy trying to interpret anything on FB. My advice really is if you want to use FB to communicate with family, then limit it to family. So many people are using FB as a substitute for relationship.

The way she related to you at your home/playdate, however, that you described in a later post? I would talk with her about how critical she is. Does she realize it? I would talk it out with her, without accusing her or ending your friendship, and see how she responds to your experience of her. This, I would do in person!

Good luck. If it is a neighbor or acquaintance who is critical of me, I tend to ignore it or gracefully let it slide depending on the situation. But if a friend were treating me like that IRL? I would have to address it early on and find out where their heart is.

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#25 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 07:58 PM
 
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i would def take a break from her. how long of a break... not sure. i don't do fb but that sounds annoying! but i bet you are right im sure she is feeling pretty bad about herself so she is insulting you to make herself feel better? which in the long run she will regret when you aren't her friend anymore

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#26 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 08:10 PM
 
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I think that backing away from this "friend" is a good thing. To express anything but sympathy/empathy regarding a home invasion is pretty ridiculous. I had a similar experience (some drunk woman just entered our home, used our toilet, and passed out on our couch... kind of funny in retrospect, but yikes), and it is SCARY SCARY SCARY! If she can't even empathize under THOSE circumstances, then she needs to be without you for a while. Natural consequences (Y).

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#27 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 08:27 PM
 
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Sometimes when we finally back up a bit and look at our friends and how they treat us, we realize they were never really our friends. I think this woman is just bad news.
yeah, one time I was talking to my therapist about a friend I was having problems with, and my counselor paused for a moment, speechless, and then said,

"Linda, what do you like about this person?"

I had to really think about it, and eventually realized I didn't like much at all about her.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#28 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 09:59 PM
 
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I can handle online issues for the most part but the fact that I was feeling vulnerable and shook up and she treated me like dirt was just the last straw.I told dh that I'm not going to invite her to things anymore or make a point of hanging out. I feel like I've put up with a TON of bs from her and she can figure out whatever it is that she's dealing with that's making her so mean on her own.
Um, yeah. Drop her like a hot potato. She's no friend at all. Yikes.

Sorry, mama.

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#29 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 10:04 PM
 
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my bff is not on my fb, i politely declined whe she tried to add me stating i need a private place
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#30 of 34 Old 09-28-2010, 10:15 PM
 
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Wow. How scary about the home invasion! I am really sorry that happened.

and sorry about your friend. She sounds toxic.

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