Should I have minded my own business? Drama - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 11:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm good friends with two women and we all spend a decent amount of time together. One mom and her family are vegans. Me and the other mom aren't. We've been taking turns watching the vegans son for her twice a month while she and her husband have a date night. All three of us are often at the other persons home and have what I thought was a good relationship. During the other moms turn to watch the son I was there dropping off a DVD I borrowed and hung around to chit chat when she offered the vegan child a piece of hamburger. The mom and her husband always bring his own food and snacks for him to eat if we're watching him. It works out great because our food is non vegan but on occasion I've gone to a vegan bakery to pick him up a treat all of us can eat. FYI- I checked with my friend to make sure this was okay. Anyway, I asked her if the vegan mom started eating meat again and forgot to tell me and she said "no but a little piece of hamburger isn't going to hurt him. it's what all kids get" and offered him a piece again. When she held it out for him to take I told him I think his mom brought something for him to eat and he should probably eat that instead. The mom rolled her eyes and when the little boy left the room (he's 3) she told me he needs meat and went on a tirade that really had nothing to do with the other moms rules and regulations for her son. I mentioned this to the other mom but waited until the next day to do so. I told her casually. "I just wanted to let you know so and so offered him a piece of burger while I was there." She was really upset, contacted the other mom for disrespecting her feeding choices and asked me and DH if we'd mind taking on the other moms night to watch her son. The mom who offered him the burger is P.O'ed with me for saying somethng to her about it. I told her I would have wanted her to do the same if I were in her position and that we may not like each others parenting choices but we have to accept them especially if we consider each other friends. The other mom isn't talking to her and she's not talking to me. I hate drama but I think I did the right thing my saying something. Would you have just stayed out of it? I would be highly upset if I found out the person I was trusting to watch my DD was feeding her items I specifically asked her not to.
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#2 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 11:47 AM
 
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You did the right thing.

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#3 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 11:49 AM
 
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Wow. I used to be vegan and I would have really been upset if someone offered my kid meat without my permission.

I think you handled it well. You tried to say something to the other mom about it first and she clearly expressed to you that she didn't respect vegan mom's choices, so then you let vegan mom know.

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#4 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 11:49 AM
 
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I think you did the right thing. I would absolutely want to know if someone were breaking my trust like that, especially when it comes to my children.
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#5 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 11:53 AM
 
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You did the right thing.

I love meat, but I can't imagine not respecting a friend's philosophy regarding vegetarianism/veganism. And if your other friend's concern is that the boy "needs" meat for health/development reasons, does she really think that a couple bites of burger once a month are going to have an effect? She was just making an "I know better than you" statement about the other mom's parenting choices, and I think it's good that she was called out about it.

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#6 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 11:57 AM
 
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Normally I'm a mind your own business kind of person, but I TOTALLY agree that you did the right thing. That's not right at all. Makes you wonder what she's doing to your kid on date night, doesn't it. She just can't be trusted to respect your choices.

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#7 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 11:57 AM
 
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You totally did the right thing. the other mom is entitled to her opinion that the child needs meat, but to go behind the child's mom's back and sneak the kid meat against specific requests, and then basically lie about it- the vegan mom needed to know that. Sometimes drama is just unavoidable and you did the right thing.
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#8 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 11:58 AM
 
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You absolutely did the right thing. I'm a meat eater, and I would never give a vegan kid meat. That's awful. IMO it's along the lines of disrespecting a family's religious choices, which is also absolutely off limits.
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#9 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:00 PM
 
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I think you absolutly did the right thing, and I am a DIE HARD red meat lover.

That was just morally WRONG of the other mom. It is NOT up to her to decide what someone elses child NEEDS, especially if he is in a well cared for, well nurished environment. Now if he was emanciated and withdrawn, clearly starving to death, that is one thing. But this mama was being all high and mighty. To me it is the same if I asked my friend to take my kids to the doctor for me cuz I had to work, and she decided they needed their shots because "thats what all kids get". There would be HADES to pay, I can tell you that much!
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#10 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Ellien C View Post
Normally I'm a mind your own business kind of person, but I TOTALLY agree that you did the right thing. That's not right at all. Makes you wonder what she's doing to your kid on date night, doesn't it. She just can't be trusted to respect your choices.
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#11 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:02 PM
 
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You absolutely did the right thing. If I can't trust my friend to feed my kid what I feel is the right thing for them to eat they aren't my friend.
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#12 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:05 PM
 
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You did the right thing. There was both disrespecting the parent's lifestyle going on, and even possibly causing some minor health issues for the 3-year-old, since some people's digestive systems have to go through a adjustment period (read: the runs, gas pains, digestive discomfort) if they haven't been digesting meat products and eat some.

You don't feed kids things you've been specifically told not to feed them.
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#13 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:14 PM
 
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You were in the right. The mom that is PO'ed at you should realize that its not about weather or not she thinks the child needs meat, its about the fact that she totally disrespected her friends parenting choices. Im sure that there is something that she doesnt allow her child to do. How would she feel if she found out that you were letting her child do whatever it was she had said no to?

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#14 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:14 PM
 
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I think I might have insisted that the meat feeder tell vegan mom first, but otherwise I think it was the right, if uncomfortable thing to do and I'm largely MYOB type too.

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#15 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:15 PM
 
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You did the right thing. I mean this is something that the mom has specified as important and the other mother knows this and is choosing to ignore.

If she's not respecting a mom wishes on this, what else isn't she respecting?

I'd be very happy to be told this. I'd want to know.




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#16 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:16 PM
 
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i agree with all the PP. you did the right thing, shes just pissed someone found out!

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#17 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:19 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cschick View Post
You did the right thing. There was both disrespecting the parent's lifestyle going on, and even possibly causing some minor health issues for the 3-year-old, since some people's digestive systems have to go through a adjustment period (read: the runs, gas pains, digestive discomfort) if they haven't been digesting meat products and eat some.

You don't feed kids things you've been specifically told not to feed them.
I know a lot of people who get sick if they have food *prepared* too close to read meat. (Like on the same cooking surface.) I would never give a vegan child meat. You totally did the right thing!

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#18 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:20 PM
 
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I agree you did the right thing. And like PPs, I would be wondering if she doesn't respect my parenting choices when I'm not around. I probably would not let her watch my kids again.
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#19 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:22 PM
 
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You definitely did the right thing. One of the reasons I trust a friend here with my kid is because she doesn't give my kid ANYTHING without asking me first... she has been known to ask if my kid can have the same thing on different occassions. She knows my parenting beliefs and will follow them to her best ability.

Also why I won't trust another person to watch my kid. She couldn't care less about food and her husband thinks its NORMAL for small children to have tastes of alcohol. I mean, I literally physically pushed his hand/beer bottle away from my BARELY ONE YEAR OLD'S mouth because he kept insisting that a TASTE wouldn't hurt her and 'all my kids have been drunk from sneaking drinks when I wasn't watching.' His youngest child is 3.
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#20 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:23 PM
 
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You did the right thing. The other friend is upset because she knows what she did was wrong and she got caught.
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#21 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Barbie64g View Post
That was just morally WRONG of the other mom. It is NOT up to her to decide what someone elses child NEEDS, especially if he is in a well cared for, well nurished environment. Now if he was emanciated and withdrawn, clearly starving to death, that is one thing. But this mama was being all high and mighty. To me it is the same if I asked my friend to take my kids to the doctor for me cuz I had to work, and she decided they needed their shots because "thats what all kids get". There would be HADES to pay, I can tell you that much!
Totally. If nothing else, imagine how sick the poor kid could have gotten! His body isn't used to meat and it's a shock to the system.

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#22 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 12:26 PM
 
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Normally I'm a mind your own business kind of person, but I TOTALLY agree that you did the right thing. That's not right at all. Makes you wonder what she's doing to your kid on date night, doesn't it. She just can't be trusted to respect your choices.

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#23 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 01:06 PM
 
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I'm a very MYOB kind of person, and you definitely did the right thing. The other mom was being really, really disrespectful of the vegan mom's choices. Plus, if the little guy did eat it, and did have any kind of health issue from it, his mom would have had no idea what was wrong!

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#24 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 01:14 PM
 
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you did the right thing. if the meat-giver is going to be dramatic about it...oh well.
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#25 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 01:20 PM
 
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I'm seriously appalled that a "friend" would give a vegan kid meat on purpose. Or find it appropriate to hold a belief system that includes the thought "all kids do/get ___".

You totally did the right thing. You know these ladies...how do you think this is going to play out?
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#26 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 02:39 PM
 
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You did the right thing...and the hard thing. You proved your character..as did the other mother. She's probably embarrassed, as she should be.

I know it hurts that there's anger and hurt between all of you right now, but you didn't do it.

I hope all goes well with the babysitting thing. It sounds like it may be complicated and uncomfortable for awhile. I don't think I'd trust the other mother with my child anyway. She apparently thinks that her way is the only way.

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#27 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 02:47 PM
 
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This:

Quote:
Originally Posted by TanyaS View Post
You did the right thing. The other friend is upset because she knows what she did was wrong and she got caught.
...and this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellien C View Post
Makes you wonder what she's doing to your kid on date night, doesn't it. She just can't be trusted to respect your choices.

My baby is 2 years old! How did that happen?!
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#28 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 08:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm seriously appalled that a "friend" would give a vegan kid meat on purpose. Or find it appropriate to hold a belief system that includes the thought "all kids do/get ___".

You totally did the right thing. You know these ladies...how do you think this is going to play out?
Thank you and everyone else for responding.

To answer your question, it's not playing out well at all and I don't see a happy ending here. The vegan mom is a very relaxed and easy going mama and from my experience it takes a lot to tick her off and she is very hot right now. The other mama is hot with me but I can live with that. She called me again today to air out her issues and I let her have her say. She says as a friend I shouldn't have "ratted" her out. I told her another friends child was involved and if the vegan mom was feeding her son something she clearly knew she shouldn't, I would have done the same thing and as mothers we have to understand how important it is for us to respect each others parenting choices even when we disagree. I'm surprised and extremely annoyed that she's not getting this!

The vegan mom wants nothing to do with her. She's wondering if her son was given meat before and she feels violated and is extremely hurt.

I'm happy to take on the extra day of babysitting for the evening she and her DH need it if she still wants it. She may be uncomfortable about leaving him with anyone at this point and I can't blame her.

This is a very touchy situation because all of our kids get along and we've enjoyed some great times together but there is a major lack of trust going on here. Vegan mom for obvious reasons, meat mom doesn't trust me and I can't trust a person who can't respect her friends choices about child feeding. It's so easy to feed the child what his mom and dad have sent with him. I'm careful to not fuel the fire when vegan mom talks about what happened. I listen. This is just a not good situation. I hope someone would say something to me if the situation were reversed. Meat mom's what's the big deal, you ratted me out thing is juvenille and it's just making me and

Oh, I think another poster asked if the vegan child is emaciated. He is a very healthy child. The other mom would have no reason to think he's unhealthy or needs to eat differently.
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#29 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 08:24 PM
 
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You did the right thing. I personally would have told meat mom that she had X amount of time to tell her or I would be telling her myself, but that's just me. Either way, vegan mom needed to be told. This isn't drama really, it's about trust and respect for other people's parenting choices. Meat mama needs a lesson in boundaries.

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#30 of 89 Old 09-22-2010, 08:32 PM
 
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Ya know, if it was just absent minded then I wouldn't have worried about it. People don't always think. Even if she was like "meh, one or two bites won't kill him" I probably would have rolled my eyes and minded my own business (but only because I hate conflict). BUT she was clearly on a mission. She thinks his mom is a bad mom and making bad choices and is intentionally undermining her. Not at all ok and something definitely had to be said. It was just going to continue getting worse. I wouldn't worry about her being mad. I mean heaven only knows the ways she would undermine you if your child was alone with her. What ways does she secretly think you are a bad mom? And what did she expect you to do? Side with her against Vegan mom?

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