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Old 09-28-2010, 06:16 PM
 
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You are right. I am not going to call CPS. I will be there for her--that's all I can do. I just don't want her life going in the wrong direction.
You sound like a very loving person and your niece is lucky to have you in her life. All you can do is offer support when she needs it and hope that in time, she learns from her mother's mistakes without making too many horrible ones of her own.

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Old 09-28-2010, 06:18 PM
 
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Old 09-28-2010, 07:53 PM
 
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Ditto Cascadian and others who pointed out how lucky your neice is that she has someone who really cares about her and wants to see her happy and safe.

While I agree that I'm not sure what you'd say to CPS if you did call (and therefore don't think calling CPS is the answer), I never EVER believe that when a child is in a concerning situation (and walking 5 miles alone to other towns and hitchhiking are concerning behaviors in a 15 yr old) that adults who care should "mind their own business". The main question is HOW you try to help.

I agree with everyone who said have a frank conversation with her about your concerns (sex, hitching, heck even tell her what you think of her boyfriend - you can't make her stop dating him but she should hear from an adult who cares if you have concerns). But ALSO talk to her about what you hope for her, how you hope she feels about herself and her life in 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 20 yrs. We don't talk enough to kids (especially older teens) about our hopes and dreams for them and often in these situations they don't have anyone who's particularly future-focused. They need that perspective. It's not about telling her you think she should be a doctor or a lawyer... it's about whatever you hope she'll be able to choose for herself and that she'll be stable and happy (I'm guessing that's what you'd want for her, but whatever it is, share it with her).

And definitely ditto talking openly with her about sex and if she's sexually active, taking her to Planned Parenthood and helping her protect herself from pregnancy and STDs.

Good luck, she's lucky you care so much and hopefully she'll be open to hearing your concerns.
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Old 09-28-2010, 08:19 PM
 
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I'm glad that you've decided not to call CPS on this. The threshold for CPS involvement in the case of a 15 year old is much higher than that of a younger child (I work in foster care).

Unfortunately, here, what you are talking about is bad parenting, not abuse or neglectful (legally speaking) parenting. The difference between the two is key.

Also, I support all the PP who suggested talking to your niece about safe sex, and getting her to Planned Parenthood. It sounds like her mother isn't helpful, and I doubt your father wants to talk to his granddaughter about sex (or she, him), but you may be able to get in there.
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Old 09-28-2010, 11:11 PM
 
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ha, you'd die if you lived where I live. You would have to call CPS on pretty much every family on my block.

I'm so sorry for your niece. It sounds like she really has a rough situation and is coping the best way that she can. There are two teenage girls on our street whose mom regularly locks them out for hours so she can have sex with her current man of the day. There is a 13 yo girl on my corner whose dad is a functioning alcoholic, so she runs away aout once a month because he "pisses her off." Oh and she is screwing his brother, her "uncle" (her "dad" is not her bio dad), but no one can prove it because she won't admit it, even though it's pretty obvious.

All of these girls frequent my house. I can't call CPS....they would just end up in some nasty group home somewhere;how would that help them? And honestly CPS wouldn't care much. So I just let them come over and hang out and play with my kids and they vent about their families, and then they go home.

your niece's situation is a shame, it really is. But I fail to see what the reason or purpose would be of calling CPS. What would you tell them? and what outcome would you be hoping for?

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Old 09-28-2010, 11:29 PM
 
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I would totally agree that situation is not something I would want for my kids. But I agree with pp, what can CPS really do? There really isnt neglect. Bad choices by your sister and your dad, but not really CPS worthy.

I have a similar situation with a few of my nieces/nephews (on DH side) that drink, do drugs, sleep around, come and go as they please, drop out of school and dont contribute anything to the family i.e. getting a job, chores etc. Basically taking advantage of their mom, but hey, she lets em. So my sympathy runs thin.

I can just tell you from personal experience, if you are ready to deal with everyone being upset and not wanting to be around you (for fear you might call again) then go ahead, but I doubt you will find it worth it. I had something similar happen in my family where siblings were paying FAR to much attention to the other's children and their parenting, even documenting it. In the end CPS was called and now people dont talk. Even years later, and I doubt it will ever get better. For the record, the CPS case was closed with nothing found to be wrong with the parenting, maybe not what I would do, but not true abuse or neglect.

I feel what you are saying, I dont agree with those behaviors either. But I would say, for me, unless it is obvious neglect or abuse, just leave it alone.

Dont meddle if you arent ready to deal with the repercussions.

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Old 09-28-2010, 11:32 PM
 
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Also, wanted to add that I agree with pp. Be the positive in her life. Be a good influence if even indirectly. Talk to her about safe behavior and show her that someone does care for her, by helping her make good choices. She has a terrible example for a mom and even though she doesnt live with you I think she can learn to trust and respect your judgement because it comes from a good place, and that will help her to respect herself more when she knows someone truly cares for her wellbeing.

Her mom, just disgusting example to me. Unfortunately, there are far too many people in the world like that.

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Old 09-28-2010, 11:52 PM
 
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If you call CPS they can start the ball rolling on getting the boy under statutory rape laws in a few months. I think the situation is sad and angering, but no not CPS worthy.


http://www.infoline.org/InformationL...0Rape%20fj.asp
Charges may be filed by:

the victim
the victim’s parents or guardians
the State’s Attorney
Even if the victim or the victim’s parents refuse to cooperate, the State’s Attorney can still file criminal charges against the other person. Also, the victim’s parents may file charges even if the victim does not want to file charges.
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Old 09-29-2010, 01:59 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
If you call CPS they can start the ball rolling on getting the boy under statutory rape laws in a few months. I think the situation is sad and angering, but no not CPS worthy.


http://www.infoline.org/InformationL...0Rape%20fj.asp
Charges may be filed by:

the victim
the victim’s parents or guardians
the State’s Attorney
Even if the victim or the victim’s parents refuse to cooperate, the State’s Attorney can still file criminal charges against the other person. Also, the victim’s parents may file charges even if the victim does not want to file charges.
Why would anyone actually do that?
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Old 09-29-2010, 04:26 AM
 
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I wouldn't call CPS but if you have a good relationship with your niece you may want to take her out for lunch and discuss being responsible in regards to sex and other areas of her life. She's fortunate to have an aunt who cares enough. Instead of calling CPS, call her regularly. She probably is longing for a motherly figure who can help direct and guide her.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:00 AM
 
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I can't call CPS....they would just end up in some nasty group home somewhere;how would that help them?
My thoughts exactly. I think she'd be exposed to more awful stuff in a group home than she's getting exposed to right now.

Also, though the situation doesn't sound that great, I can't imagine thinking in terms of "letting" or "not letting" my 15yo walk someplace barefoot.

Gosh I just think that by that age they'll know whether they want to wear shoes!

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Old 09-29-2010, 09:23 AM
 
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I'm not that up on statutory rape laws, but I thought that if the kids were within like 3 years age it wasn't considered statutory rape? I guess that must not be the case everywhere? I don't honestly even know the law here as this isn't an issue I've had to deal with. Anyway, that doesn't meet my personal belief of what statutory rape is. I'd hate to see some 17-year-old's life ruined over a consensual relationship with a girl so close to his age. And I agree there are troubling things going on, but not CPS worthy.
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Old 09-29-2010, 09:29 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
If you call CPS they can start the ball rolling on getting the boy under statutory rape laws in a few months. I think the situation is sad and angering, but no not CPS worthy.


http://www.infoline.org/InformationL...0Rape%20fj.asp
Charges may be filed by:

the victim
the victim’s parents or guardians
the State’s Attorney
Even if the victim or the victim’s parents refuse to cooperate, the State’s Attorney can still file criminal charges against the other person. Also, the victim’s parents may file charges even if the victim does not want to file charges.
Why on Earth would she want to do that? It certainly does not sound like the BF is coercing anything or having any major negative effect. Yet, it seems that you are advocating for essentially DESTROYING his life.

Not to mention it may not even accomplish anything, if PP was correct about the age span being a factor...

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Old 09-29-2010, 10:34 AM
 
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Why would anyone actually do that?
People get their panties in a wad about many things. Teen sex is one of them It is why we need reform in state rape laws, teen sex, sex offender laws, and technology.
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Old 09-29-2010, 10:59 AM
 
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While it all sounds frustrating, I'm not seeing something that CPS would be able to help you with.

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Old 09-29-2010, 11:21 AM
 
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People get their panties in a wad about many things. Teen sex is one of them It is why we need reform in state rape laws, teen sex, sex offender laws, and technology.
IN-freaking-DEED...

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Old 09-29-2010, 11:45 AM
 
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Why on Earth would she want to do that? It certainly does not sound like the BF is coercing anything or having any major negative effect. Yet, it seems that you are advocating for essentially DESTROYING his life.

Not to mention it may not even accomplish anything, if PP was correct about the age span being a factor...
I think I am being misunderstood. If OP did call CPS she could inadvertently have someone form CPS call the state's attorney. There for starting the ball on someone else doing something about the relationship, that shouldn't be an issue at all. A 15 year old and 18 year old does not bother me one bit. That is a freshman and a JR or SR in high school.
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Old 09-29-2010, 12:07 PM
 
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I think I am being misunderstood. If OP did call CPS she could inadvertently have someone form CPS call the state's attorney. There for starting the ball on someone else doing something about the relationship, that shouldn't be an issue at all. A 15 year old and 18 year old does not bother me one bit. That is a freshman and a JR or SR in high school.
Yep... good perspective...

Thanks for the clarification

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Old 09-29-2010, 12:40 PM
 
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I think I am being misunderstood. If OP did call CPS she could inadvertently have someone form CPS call the state's attorney. There for starting the ball on someone else doing something about the relationship, that shouldn't be an issue at all. A 15 year old and 18 year old does not bother me one bit. That is a freshman and a JR or SR in high school.
Got ya. I thought you were telling her to call and get him brought up on charges. I'm glad I was wrong. The way statutory rape laws are sometimes used is an insult to teenagers and victims of actual rape.
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Old 09-29-2010, 04:07 PM
 
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If OP did call CPS she could inadvertently have someone form CPS call the state's attorney
.

I agree and this is what I got from the original post of this person. And yes, it will destroy this young man's life. I hate it when any crime must be stated and used against a person after that person has already served her or his sentence, and statutory rape laws used this way, as well as bar fights that go to felony charges, really make me sad. Let a person serve his time and move on.

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Old 09-29-2010, 04:17 PM
 
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Here in NY, the difference in ages can be used for what is called an "affirmative defense". Which is to say, that if a 15 year old is having sex with a 17 or 18 year old, because the 15 year old is not yet the age of consent and the other person is, the older person can still be charged with a crime, but can use the age difference between the two parties as an "affirmative defense" and charges are generally dropped. In NY, the age difference must be less than 3 years, 9 months I believe.

I work in foster care (as I said, sorry to repeat) and I was told by a work at another agency that a 16 year old boy on her caseload was currently in detention for having sex with his 15 year old girlfriend, even though it was consensual, and even though the parents of the girl were aware and supported the relationship. There was a feeling that an disapproving friend or school administrator had made some sort of call. They expected the charges to be dropped because of the age difference, but in the meantime, this kid was in JAIL for having sex with his girlfriend.
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Old 09-29-2010, 04:43 PM
 
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ha, you'd die if you lived where I live. You would have to call CPS on pretty much every family on my block.

I'm so sorry for your niece. It sounds like she really has a rough situation and is coping the best way that she can. There are two teenage girls on our street whose mom regularly locks them out for hours so she can have sex with her current man of the day. There is a 13 yo girl on my corner whose dad is a functioning alcoholic, so she runs away aout once a month because he "pisses her off." Oh and she is screwing his brother, her "uncle" (her "dad" is not her bio dad), but no one can prove it because she won't admit it, even though it's pretty obvious.

All of these girls frequent my house. I can't call CPS....they would just end up in some nasty group home somewhere;how would that help them? And honestly CPS wouldn't care much. So I just let them come over and hang out and play with my kids and they vent about their families, and then they go home.

your niece's situation is a shame, it really is. But I fail to see what the reason or purpose would be of calling CPS. What would you tell them? and what outcome would you be hoping for?
Just for the record, I know of very FEW CPS's that would NOT care that a 13 yr old was having sex with what I assume is an adult man. It does matter, and many states would screen that in (i.e. investigate it). I know you have strong feelings about not calling CPS, but I don't want the mistaken info out there that in general most CPSs would not care about that, because it isn't true. What would happen should CPS get involved is a different question, and varies from state to state and even from CPS office to CPS office. But it is not a situation that most would turn away from.
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Old 09-29-2010, 04:51 PM
 
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OP, if that's all there is to the story, I would not call CPS. When I was 15 I lived with my boyfriend because it was a better situation there than in my own home. We were sexually active, but we were safe and slept in separate bedrooms in his house.

CPST & mom

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Old 09-30-2010, 12:22 PM
 
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ha, you'd die if you lived where I live. You would have to call CPS on pretty much every family on my block.

I'm so sorry for your niece. It sounds like she really has a rough situation and is coping the best way that she can. There are two teenage girls on our street whose mom regularly locks them out for hours so she can have sex with her current man of the day. There is a 13 yo girl on my corner whose dad is a functioning alcoholic, so she runs away aout once a month because he "pisses her off." Oh and she is screwing his brother, her "uncle" (her "dad" is not her bio dad), but no one can prove it because she won't admit it, even though it's pretty obvious.

All of these girls frequent my house. I can't call CPS....they would just end up in some nasty group home somewhere;how would that help them? And honestly CPS wouldn't care much. So I just let them come over and hang out and play with my kids and they vent about their families, and then they go home.

your niece's situation is a shame, it really is. But I fail to see what the reason or purpose would be of calling CPS. What would you tell them? and what outcome would you be hoping for?
actually cps would care about that. 13 is nowhere near the age of consent. and with an adult man? that iis a pedophile. would a group home be worse than what she has right now?

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