Should I call CPS? WWYD?? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
shells_n_cheese's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 224
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am just wondering if what I am about to tell you warrants a call to CPS, or if I am just overreacting and need to mind my own business.

One of my sisters is a loser, to put it nicely. She has 3 kids--has no idea where 2 of them are (they are adults now) because she gave them up to their druggie father years ago (when they were still young children!). Yes, my family let this happen (I was a child myself), and as time passes, and I get older, I see my family just lets these awful things happen.

That same sister had another child (she planned it too!), and she is now 15. Needless to say, she doesn't have a relationship with her mother. They hate eachother. My sister conveniently lives next to our father, so my 15 yo. niece is ALWAYS over there, sleeps there, eats there, my dad would take her EVERYWHERE, even if my sister was home. My sister will actually call my father and have HIM bring her daughter places!! It's sickening! Oh, and my sister is an alcoholic, too.

So, my 15 yo niece is allowed to hitch rides with friends and walk miles to the next town (my sister let her walk BAREFOOT to the next town that was 5 or so miles away--with NO sidewalks and no shoulders on the roads). She is NEVER home. My sister often has no idea where she is, and doesn't care.

CPS was at my sister's house once years ago. I don't remember much, just that someone at school had called--not sure what happened as I was much younger and don't remember much if it. obviously, nothing came of it though.

So, now my 15 yo niece has her boyfriend (who is 17) living with my father. This boyfriend decided not to go with his mother who was moving. So, she let him stay. This kid is supposed to pay my dad weekly, but "couldn't" last week, due to not having work (he supposedly works construction). My niece sleeps there sometmes! My sister doesn't care. My dad NEVER would have allowed this with me or my other sisters--I think it may have something to do with my mother dying last year. he has changed SO MUCH. He admits he is lonely.

This boyfriend is a high school drop-out with NO PLAN. They origianlly say he was staying for a month or so-now its MARCH? I don't think so. My dad gets very defensive when I bring it up. I know he is a grown man and can make his own decisions, but I know he is being taken advantage of.

My sister doesn't even care that her daughter's BF lives with our father. Though the 15 yo does sleep at home much of the time during the school week, she also sleeps at my dad's. This means she is sleeping with the boy (who will be 18 soon, I guess).

Do I have a reaosn to call CPS? The neglect on my sister's part? My dad allowing them to live there? What would I say? Or do I need to mind my own business as I am so often told my my dad, and 15 yo niece. Part of me is afraid to cause problems with the family, so I am hesitant to call.

WWYD?

Tired mommy to a 2, 4, and 6 year old!
shells_n_cheese is offline  
#2 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:16 PM
 
mbhf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,761
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm confused.. what would you be calling CPS about? The 15yo spending the night with her boyfriend? The 17yo living with someone other than his parent? Obviously this is not your ideal situation, but I don't think you have any grounds to call CPS.
mbhf is offline  
#3 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:18 PM
 
jeminijad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 926
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't think it warrants calling CPS.

In some states a 15 year old can get married w/a parent's signature.

Mother to R- 2/09, & C- 5/11

jeminijad is offline  
#4 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:20 PM
 
LionessMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,662
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
if you call, they will just tell you to mind your own business. once they are 15 cps mostly doesnt care. at least that has been my experience. i have a neice who did something real stupid just like this. i called just to get info on how i could help her. they said they wouldnt do anything. it might depend on the age of consent there, but you should mind your own business. or if you want to help, do so constructively.

Me,DH,DS1'95, '98,DSD'03,DD1'07,DD2'09,DS2'12 Living with Fructose Malabsorption Syndrome and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Type 3-Hypermobility.)o( and sometimes I get toif I am lucky.
LionessMom is offline  
#5 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:21 PM
 
Youngfrankenstein's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 2,273
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm not sure what CPS "could do for you" in this situation. What are you trying to accomplish?

Obviously this is a terrible situation but she is getting older and may have her mind made up about certain things. She may be on a path that you don't agree with, but I'm not sure someone on the outside to parent her like that would change her. If you feel she is crying for help, can you help?

I'm just saying that if she were a 2-year-old, I may have a different answer. I do get that a 15-year-old isn't an adult, but no one seems to be telling her no or she isn't listening.

I don't know what CPS would do other than remove her and I don't know how that would help. I"m sure more people who've dealt with CPS could be of more help.

Mama to 4. winner.jpghomebirth.jpg
Youngfrankenstein is offline  
#6 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:21 PM
 
Rani's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Skokie IL
Posts: 909
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If you think they are taking unfair advantage of your Dad and he is a senior you can report that BUT they will ask him and if he says its okay and there is no signs of abuse, Im afraid your stuck.
Rani is offline  
#7 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:24 PM
 
Mackenzie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: wandering...
Posts: 2,875
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I wouldn't. Not ideal, but there is no abuse or true neglect (she is fed, clothed and has a home, right?). Nobody likes a visit from CPS and since I think nothing will happen/change as a result, you are risking further alienation.


eta: Just make sure that the girl knows you will be there for her if she needs someone.

This is a tree on fire with love, but it's still scary since most people think love only looks like one thing instead of the whole world. *
Mackenzie is offline  
#8 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:25 PM
 
Thalia the Muse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,829
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The first preference with a good CPS dept., if a child absolutely must be removed, is to place them with a close family member. That's already kind of what's happened here -- niece's grandfather is right next door, looking out for her, and sheltering her when necessary. She does not sound like she is in immediate danger of abuse or neglect, because he is there to keep an eye out for her.

Is your goal to protect your minor niece? Because that is CPS' ONLY function in intervening -- they are not there to protect your father or to punish your sister for being an alcoholic or an unengaged parent. But it sounds to me like she is already being protected, even if the situation is not ideal for everyone involved. CPS is also not there to stop teenagers from having sex with their boyfriends, or from hitch-hiking.
Thalia the Muse is offline  
#9 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
shells_n_cheese's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 224
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for your replies. This is exactly why I posted here, to get unbiased advice as I am not sure what to do, if anything.

You all gave me a lot to think about.

Tired mommy to a 2, 4, and 6 year old!
shells_n_cheese is offline  
#10 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
shells_n_cheese's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 224
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jeminijad View Post
I don't think it warrants calling CPS.

In some states a 15 year old can get married w/a parent's signature.
We live in CT. Under 16 is statutory rape.

Tired mommy to a 2, 4, and 6 year old!
shells_n_cheese is offline  
#11 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:38 PM
 
LynnS6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pacific NW longing for the Midwest
Posts: 12,565
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm usually fairly quick to say "call CPS". But I agree that there doesn't seem to be much to call CPS about. A 15 year old sleeping with her 17 year old boyfriend is old news.

What I would do is sit down with my niece if at all possible and make sure she's well informed about birth control and STDs. Take her to Planned Parenthood if you can.

You might also find out what the age of consent is in your state. When the boy turns 18, it's theoretically possible that he could be charged with statutory rape for having sex with a 15 year old. But I don't think that is reason to call CPS. It's a reason to have a word with both kids about the importance of safe sex.

I'm afraid this is mostly a case of MYOB, but make sure your niece knows how to stay safe.

Lynnteapot2.GIF, academicreading.gif,geek.gif wife, WOHM  to T jog.gif(4/01) and M whistling.gif (5/04)
LynnS6 is offline  
#12 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:39 PM
 
Cascadian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 892
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If you did call, I'd ask for supports like counselling if she needed it, a mentor, etc. but I don't know if I see an urgent 'need' to call...
Cascadian is offline  
#13 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:41 PM
 
Alyantavid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 7,724
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldn't call. You have absolutely no proof that they are sleeping together (although it sounds like it, but still you don't know). This isn't your child, this isn't your choice. If your dad has a problem with it, it's his call.

Your sister may not be the parent you want her to be, but she's still the parent here.
Alyantavid is offline  
#14 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:48 PM
 
blizzard_babe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Land of Beer and Cheese, baby.
Posts: 4,900
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldn't call, but I *WOULD* call around and see if you can find her some additional support resources. Does her school have a program for "at-risk" kids? Being somewhat transient in housing, she might qualify there, but they might not realize she's transient-ish because it's likely her official mailing address hasn't changed. Planned Parenthood is a good idea if she's sexually active.

Me+DH+DS1+DS2+Dog=me and a house full of guys, which is really just peachy, thanks.
blizzard_babe is offline  
#15 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:49 PM
 
Banana731's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the wild Midwestern Woods...
Posts: 3,718
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It might be best to focus your efforts on a discussion with your niece about birth control, and help her get whatever she'd prefer to use

Banana, doula wife to Papa Banana and mother to Banana One, Banana Two, Banana Three, Banana Four...

Banana731 is offline  
#16 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:55 PM
 
PoppyMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In my own delusions.
Posts: 3,305
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by shells_n_cheese View Post
We live in CT. Under 16 is statutory rape.
Do you believe HE is so abusive and dangerous for her that you would want him to go to prison for rape and be a registered sex offender for the rest of his life.
PoppyMama is offline  
#17 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 02:59 PM
 
Mackenzie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: wandering...
Posts: 2,875
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
Do you believe HE is so abusive and dangerous for her that you would want him to go to prison for rape and be a registered sex offender for the rest of his life.



I hope that was a statement of fact, instead of an "aha moment". I abhor seeing kids lives get ruined over stupid applications of statutory rape laws (which is not to say that all applications of such laws are invalid...)

This is a tree on fire with love, but it's still scary since most people think love only looks like one thing instead of the whole world. *
Mackenzie is offline  
#18 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 03:01 PM
 
Jessnet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Too far away from the sea
Posts: 97
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by shells_n_cheese View Post
We live in CT. Under 16 is statutory rape.

But only if the other partner is ALSO two years older. BF is just under the age limit.


Connecticut

§ 53a-70 (a)(2)

§ 53a-71 (a)(1)

"Second-degree sexual assault to have sexual intercourse with a person between ages 13 and 16 if the actor is more than two years older"

Mommy to one great little boy (2009)
Jessnet is offline  
#19 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 03:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
shells_n_cheese's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 224
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Okay, calm down. I do not plan on, and never have planned on, calling in statutory rape. I was simply replying to a poster's statement. I don't even know if they are having sex.

Tired mommy to a 2, 4, and 6 year old!
shells_n_cheese is offline  
#20 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 03:15 PM
 
mamadelbosque's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 6,946
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Seriously, calling this statutory rape is ridiculous - your ruining a kids life cause' he wants to have sex with his gf. I *hate* statutory rape laws for this reason. I'd say its safe to say that most of us had sex before we were 18. Quite a few before we were 16, or had a boyfriend who was 18+ - and it *was* consentual. To call it anything but is a disgrace to the rape laws and utterly humiliatingly wrong on the 'rapists' part - because then they are labeled as "sex offenders" for the *REST OF THEIR LIVES* - that is to say, their lives are *EFFECTIVELY RUINED* - over sex with gf/bf. Who freaking cares.
mamadelbosque is offline  
#21 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 03:19 PM
 
meemee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Norther California
Posts: 12,783
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 22 Post(s)
i dont get it. what exactly are you complaining about?

walking barefoot for miles? that is a preference for many people. my dd prefers walking barefoot. however without a shoulder on the road or pavement i can see the safety issue.

in many houses an under 18 year old bf staying with gf is allowed - esp. if the boy has an unhappy family situation.

well yeah so your sister is not taking care of her responsibilities. but her dad fills in for her.

it seems to me its a whole big problem for you, but not for them. it seems all the others are happy with how the situation is. except you.

so i am not sure what exactly you find inappropriate. it seems you are getting upset about things that is 'none of your business'.

however i like how pp said to keep your niece informed about birth control and pp.

 treehugger.gif Co-parent, joy.gifcold.gifbrand new homeschooling middle schoolerjoy.gif, and an attackcat.gif 
meemee is online now  
#22 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 03:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
shells_n_cheese's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 224
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamadelbosque View Post
Seriously, calling this statutory rape is ridiculous - your ruining a kids life cause' he wants to have sex with his gf. I *hate* statutory rape laws for this reason. I'd say its safe to say that most of us had sex before we were 18. Quite a few before we were 16, or had a boyfriend who was 18+ - and it *was* consentual. To call it anything but is a disgrace to the rape laws and utterly humiliatingly wrong on the 'rapists' part - because then they are labeled as "sex offenders" for the *REST OF THEIR LIVES* - that is to say, their lives are *EFFECTIVELY RUINED* - over sex with gf/bf. Who freaking cares.
??? Did you not just read my prior post? I NEVER said it was statutory rape. I was only replying to a poster's comment about stautory rape laws in certain states.

I will say it again: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY ARE HAVING SEX. Calm. Down.

Tired mommy to a 2, 4, and 6 year old!
shells_n_cheese is offline  
#23 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 03:21 PM
 
meemee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Norther California
Posts: 12,783
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 22 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by shells_n_cheese View Post
??? Did you not just read my prior post? I NEVER said it was statutory rape. I was only replying to a poster's comment about stautory rape laws in certain states.

I will say it again: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY ARE HAVING SEX. Calm. Down.
i dont think she saw it. i think she was writing her message when you posted your reply.

 treehugger.gif Co-parent, joy.gifcold.gifbrand new homeschooling middle schoolerjoy.gif, and an attackcat.gif 
meemee is online now  
#24 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 03:23 PM
 
Strong Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in love with my hubby
Posts: 2,978
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I understand your concern, really I do. I see pregnant teens all the time, in situations like this. I see teen dads all the time. Its sad to me, but its happening. Your father seems happy that he has the company, even though he may be taken advantage of, he might not care.
The best thing you can do, as an aunt, is support your niece. Discuss birth control. Hang out with her like a mom would, be there for her. I didnt have any mom when I was a teen, and my aunt was like my mom. I owe her a lot.
And try to be grateful, at least you know your teen is safe at your dads. I see terrible situations where teens are living with their friends in condemned houses on their own, runaways, etc....

Me and my wonderful husband serve God. Blessed with twin girls 2/11/11. <3

Strong Mama is offline  
#25 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 03:26 PM
 
EdnaMarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 6,148
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know you're worried about these kids, but I think at this point CPS is not going to be of much help. I'm sorry. It must be so frustrating to watch that happen. If I were you, I'd offer concrete, real support: "I really believe you have a lot of potential no matter what anyone might say. If you ever want to go to college, let me know, and I'll help you with the papers." Or something. Help the boy find a real job.

In my opinion that would be much more useful than calling CPS.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
EdnaMarie is offline  
#26 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 03:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
shells_n_cheese's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 224
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
I know you're worried about these kids, but I think at this point CPS is not going to be of much help. I'm sorry. It must be so frustrating to watch that happen. If I were you, I'd offer concrete, real support: "I really believe you have a lot of potential no matter what anyone might say. If you ever want to go to college, let me know, and I'll help you with the papers." Or something. Help the boy find a real job.

In my opinion that would be much more useful than calling CPS.
You are right. I am not going to call CPS. I will be there for her--that's all I can do. I just don't want her life going in the wrong direction.

Tired mommy to a 2, 4, and 6 year old!
shells_n_cheese is offline  
#27 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 03:32 PM
 
eclipse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mexico
Posts: 7,862
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What is your concern, exactly? Is it that you don't want them to have sex and you think it's more likely that they will if he's living with her grandfather?
eclipse is offline  
#28 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 03:44 PM
 
Catubodua's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 1,452
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i'm glad she has someone worried about her.

i don't think a call to CPS will help. but, i would make her an appointment at planned parenthood and take her there to get her on birth control (if she is not already) and discuss ways to prevent STD's.

start the conversation with her "i wish someone had done this for me when i was 15 ... " and leave your thoughts about the current living situation out of it.

best of luck

mom to Andrew   born Feb 6th, already a mom to child with fur; and still missing and still wondering about the lost possibilities Mar 17, 2009
Catubodua is offline  
#29 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 04:53 PM
 
candycat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 174
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
CPS is for abused or truly neglected, helpless kids, that have no one else to speak up for them.

It is not for policing family situations of teens whose behaviors or home lives you're not happy with.

Just think if you called CPS on this matter and the time it took to investigate it took away from a REAL emergent case where some little kids DID need CPS's help.

I don't see why you'd involve a government agency in this situation. I second (third fourth etc) what the other posters said - you can be a helpful aunt by providing information that could prevent pregnancy, be a friendly ear to talk to, etc. That's all, really. Otherwise it's not REALLY and TRULY your business what relationship your niece has with her boyfriend - unless she is being abused in some way. Which it doesn't sound like she is.
candycat is offline  
#30 of 54 Old 09-28-2010, 05:10 PM
 
Drummer's Wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Land of Enchantment
Posts: 11,793
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
no, I wouldn't call CPS over this. No way no how. Heck, when I was 15 I had a 19 yo boyfriend (of course, I lived in a healthy, happy home - but still).

ribboncesarean.gif cesareans happen.
Drummer's Wife is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off