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#1 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 06:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just need a hug. Dd2 turned one on Sept 9. Dh's family remembered. My dad remembered. A old neighbor from our last house who has never met dd2 remembered. But not one of my brothers or sisters remembered. I kept waiting thinking that maybe a late card would arrive in the mail. Nothing. Its been like this since she was born. Everyone thinks of dd1 but its like no one cares that I ahve a dd2.

We have probably 20 or 25 cards that we saved from dd1's 1st. I have 1 for dd2. WTF?!

Mamma to dd1 3/8/07, one 9.5.08, and dd2 9/9/09
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#2 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 07:33 AM
 
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I'm sorry! Big hugs for you! That has to be hard.
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#3 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 08:51 AM
 
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*hug*

I have no idea when anyone's bday is. If I'm not invited to a party don't expect a gift.
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#4 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 09:17 AM
 
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*hug*

I have no idea when anyone's bday is. If I'm not invited to a party don't expect a gift.
Sorry, but I don't think that's the norm in families. People send each other cards on special occasions even if they're not *invited* for birthdays 3 states away.

OP, that sucks
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#5 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 10:15 AM
 
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for you and for your LO.

Happy Birthday!!

DS, 10/07. Allergies: peanut, egg, wheat. We've added dairy back in. And taken it back out again. It causes sandpaper skin with itchy patches and thrashing during sleep. Due w/ #2 late April, 2012.

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#6 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 10:18 AM
 
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That's tough, I'll be hurt too

Happy Birthday dd2

Joanna WAHM to DS 10/2007
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#7 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 10:23 AM
 
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I'm so sorry OP.

I'm not great about remembering birthdays either, but you bet I will remember the birthday of my sister's kids (sometime early this coming spring! )

I really do understand. Last year my in laws totally forget my son's birthday, despite all of us having talked about it every time we got together for the 2 months before and delivered a huge gift basket (for no reason, I think they won it in a raffle) for my DD 2 days later. I was confused but politely did not say anything, DD brought it up when they gave the basket to her. When they realized the mistake they were very angry with us for not alerting them to it, as in calling them on his birthday to remind them of it. Then they conveniently forgot about our big plans to go to Disney, which was their idea in the first place, for DD's birthday the following month.

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#8 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 11:04 AM
 
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I'm so sorry Mama! We haven't had this happen yet (DD2 is only 5 months old), but I see the disparity in the way DD2 is treated and it kills me. DD1 has over $4000 in savings bonds from family there are probably 40 or 50 of them, DD2 has $200, one bond from my MIL. It's not about the money, I don't care about that, but the fact that family probably sent DD1 15 of those bonds in her 1st year and DD2 has gotten one. Same with personalized keepsake gifts, DD1 has a bunch to commemorate her birth, DD2 has nothing. When we go visit family DD1 gets gifts, DD2 gets nothing. Now I know she is only a baby, but that is not the point.....Plus DD1 sees it - she sees her sister getting nothing while she gets gifts....
And when we talk to certain relatives on the phone, they either forget to ask about DD2 or do it as an afterthought.

Mom to Morgan 4-3-06 and announcing Baby Kelsey 4-11-10
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#9 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 12:01 PM
 
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Sorry, but I don't think that's the norm in families. People send each other cards on special occasions even if they're not *invited* for birthdays 3 states away.
That's pretty much how mine is. Dh and I have 13 nieces and nephews, 8 siblings, 8 siblings in law. I'm not about to send 30 cards out a year though I tend to remember vaguely when most of their birthdays are (ie the beginning of Oct) and I am fond of them.

But I'm sorry the OP's feelings were hurt. People do make a bigger fuss over first borns and remember their birthdays more easily. Though I'd think with a birthday date of 9/9/09, dd2 would have been extra easy to remember!

Mom to unschooling 4everboy since 8/01
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#10 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 12:03 PM
 
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Sorry, but I don't think that's the norm in families. People send each other cards on special occasions even if they're not *invited* for birthdays 3 states away.

OP, that sucks
That's the norm in some families-- I don't normally call out of the blue. Was DD1 a first grand child, by any chance?

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#11 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 12:08 PM
 
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Sorry, but I don't think that's the norm in families. People send each other cards on special occasions even if they're not *invited* for birthdays 3 states away.

OP, that sucks
Hmm. We've never been into the card sending in our family. A phone call maybe.
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#12 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 12:19 PM
 
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Sorry, but I don't think that's the norm in families. People send each other cards on special occasions even if they're not *invited* for birthdays 3 states away.

OP, that sucks
I think that is very dependent on family culture. The only family I know in real life who does that is my husband's.

I find the whole card-sending concept a waste of paper. What I am supposed to do with these things? Look at them then toss them into the recycling bin?

The only cards I ever purchase get connected to a gift or contain a gift (money).

But if it's family culture to do something like this, and your child appears to have been forgotten, that's horribly sucky.
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#13 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 12:21 PM
 
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Awww. Big hugs and happy birthday to your DD.
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#14 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 12:32 PM
 
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I think that is very dependent on family culture. The only family I know in real life who does that is my husband's.
I think it is true that it is dependent on family culture. Neither my own family nor DH's family sends cards let alone remembers birthdays. My sister has five kids and lives in Europe, and my brother has four kids here. DH has a ton of nieces and nephews and they don't exchange cards with us or vice versa.

Instead of keeping up with various birthdays, I prepare the occassional care package (full of little toys and goodies that I find along the way). I keep a box at home and add to it and then when it is full enough, I send the various families a surprise package to let them know that we are thinking of them. DH does this for his nieces and nephews as well. They love it! A package can appear in the middle of the summer or way after the holidays.

OP, I'm sorry that this was so disappointing to you. I have found that early in my marriage and parenthood, I had to sort of build my own traditions if there wasn't something in place. The surprise goodie box worked for us and there is an equitible element to it. Everyone gets recognition and it is fun for all parties involved.

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#15 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 12:37 PM
 
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I'm sorry, OP.

We are not a card sending family, though. My dh's family *really* is. They get cards for every minor or major holiday, even. My family was not like this growing up and nobody almost ever bought presents/sent cards/called on birthdays and holidays, but my family is dirt poor. We call or try to see most family for their birthdays and we have a big family. But it does seem like in a lot of families the first kid gets wayyyy more attention around birthdays than subsequent children. Is that what's bugging you the most?

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#16 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 01:40 PM
 
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Sorry, but I don't think that's the norm in families. People send each other cards on special occasions even if they're not *invited* for birthdays 3 states away.

OP, that sucks
I have 25 nieces and nephews, I don't know many of their b-days. They all live within a 50 mile radius, but seriously there is a b-day party nearly weekly. I really have neither the time, nor the money to remember everyone in my IL's family, it like 50+ people and that's a low figure.

I'm sorry OP, we just had DS's b-day yesterday and we kept it low-key, but our family all remembered.

Me Wife to T (14 years)Mama to Princess(4) and Monster Boy(my 1 year old ):
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#17 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 01:49 PM
 
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Op I am really sorry that this disapointed you so much.
My DH's family is very much the type that does not remember or celebrate much of any holiday. We rarely exchange cards or gifts for birthdays or even Christmas. My parents do tend to send stuff, but none of my sibling or my DH's siblings ever send or call on birthdays unless they are actually invited to a party for one of our children.

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#18 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 01:52 PM
 
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OKay, sorry then, I guess it's not a norm in *most* families, only in *some* We only have one sibling each on both our sides so we send cards/call on our niece/nephew's birthday. my parents, as grandparents, tend to remember most cousin's birthdays as well. i was under the impression that if siblings are close they remember each other's kids' birthdays as that's how it is for me.

it still sucks for OP though.
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#19 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 01:59 PM
 
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I'm sorry OP. The same thing happened to me and I was really hurt. DS has invariably received something from both of our brothers (mine and DH's). We had two losses in between our kids and I had to give myself a shot every day to ensure a happy outcome for our beloved DD. Neither brother remembered DD's birthday. Her first birthday! It still rankles, frankly. I know they didn't do it on purpose, but that's kind of the point, right? They should have remembered on purpose.

My response has not been very good. I have "forgotten" my niece's and nephew's birthdays this year. Sigh. Super grown-up of me, eh? You know, I am going to take inspiration from this thread and go ahead and send the presents to my nieces and nephews.


I also decided last year that if it happened again this year, I was going to ask the brothers to stop sending DS a gift. Our children's birthdays are close together and it will not be long before DD will figure out if DS is getting gifts from uncles and she isn't.

Finally, big hugs to you and a huge happy birthday to your little girl!
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#20 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 02:04 PM
 
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My husband's parents have forgotten my second daughters birthday 2 years in a row. Their own grandchild!! Not a card or a call or nothing. So this year for Christmas I am giving them a calender with my childrens birthdays marked in great big letters!

A big happy birthday to your little one!!

SAHM to 3 girls
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#21 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 02:04 PM
 
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I'm really sorry. I understand.

Having four kids in five and a half years I've really seen the difference between the first and the others, especially the third and the forth. Nobody noticed when DS 1 turned one, and I expect that DS 2s first birthday will be a quiet family affair as well.

I've saved the birthday cards from our girls, and I'm thinking about getting rid of them because I don't like seeing the girls have huge stacks and the boys have essentially nothing. I worry a little that the kids will notice and ask why if I keep them around.

Julie - Mom to Elizabeth (Libby) age 6, Penelope (Penny) age 5, Elliott age 29 months, and Oscar who is 1 year old!
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#22 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 02:09 PM
 
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It sounds like a lot of people remembered, just not your sibs.

Why discount all the people who did?

The glass is half full, but you are saying that it's empty.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#23 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 02:17 PM
 
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That's the norm in some families-- I don't normally call out of the blue. Was DD1 a first grand child, by any chance?
That's the norm in my family as well. Birthdays aren't really that big of a deal - we generally don't send/receive cards, etc some people have a little celebration with their little nuclear unit, but its not an extended family type of thing. DH and I (and now DD) always plan a little getaway on our birthdays. DH's family does have more expectations, but he's in charge of that - I don't really have a memory for these things.
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#24 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 03:36 PM
 
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I can't begin to tell you when my nephews birthdays are. I only have two. Actually I am never real sure when when 2nd and third childrens birthdays are. I have gotten it wrong on official documents etc....I probably only remember M.s because it is a few days off from mine.

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#25 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 05:19 PM
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I think it's fine to not send cards or stuff to far-away relatives, but it's not okay to send things to one kid and not another. I can see how people might make a special effort for a first child, especially the first child of a new generation, and then let it slide from there on out... it still sucks for the subsequent kids, but whatever, people are human and busy and all that (I'm interested in seeing if we get a slew of stuff for DS coming next month, like we did for DD, who was the first grandbaby on both sides! I bet not). But sending things every year for one kid and not for another... so not cool. I'm sorry, OPs and others who posted about being in that boat!
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#26 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 07:35 PM
 
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I had the same thing going on with DS1 and DS2. I wanted to save the cards for their baby books, so I went through all of DS1s card and if they didn't have his name or the date on the card it became DS2s card to make it look equal.

I am sorry OP.
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#27 of 28 Old 10-01-2010, 11:09 PM
 
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I am sorry OP and sorry to your DD. Happy Birthday to Her!

Our DD recently turned 1 too. And we have some hurt feelings going around from the experience too.
My family didn't forget, they knew it was her birthday but ignored it. I found out later they were hurt that they were not invited to the party. It is my parents 4th grandchild. My sister's first niece/nephew. My aunts and cousins wanted to be invited too.

Thing is, we did not want a big party. We had a very low key party in the park with a few friends who are in DD's life on a regular/daily basis. We celebrated with people who we and DD are close to. My family is not very close, but pretends to be. We see each other a few times a year over thanksgiving and christmas and the odd BBQ.

BUT, my MIL decided to fly in for 1 day from across the country to come to the birthday party. Pretty excessive if you ask me, but nice. We didn't necessarily invite her. She invited herself and we couldn't say no to a grandmother wanting to celebrate her first grandchild's birthday. She came with gifts and/or cards from my wife's siblings, an aunt, the great-grandparents. Etc.

Then my family saw pictures on facebook of the little party and were hurt. Fact is, the pictures were not up until over a week after the party. And there was not one card, gift or phone call from my side of the family. My opinion. They can be hurt all they want and I am glad I didn't invite them. It would have taken more energy than it was worth. But I am still kinda hurt that they didn't seem to feel bothered to call and say happy birthday, even if DD wouldn't understand.
Man. Good to get that out. It has been 2.5 months and I didn't even realize I was angry/hurt about it.

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#28 of 28 Old 10-02-2010, 01:20 AM
 
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I think the issue in the OP isn't so much that her dd's birthday wasn't remembered or noted. Some families just don't make a big deal out of that kind of thing. But, her family evidently does, because they did so with her oldest. It's hard when people who do remember birthdays make an exception for you/your kids, imo.

OP. That's hard. It does seem to be human nature, though. When I had ds1, everybody I knew came to see me in the hospital. When I had dd1, even though I'd been actively trying for almost 10 years (started ttc when ds1 was just under a year old, had three miscarriages and dd1 was born when he was 10 years, 2 months), I had 8 people visit (mom, stepdad, oldest nephew - they were all one unit, an old friend, my godmother and then my brother, sister and old friend of my brother's, all at once). When I had ds2, I had 5 people visit (mom, stepdad, cousin & her dd, who happened to be in town, and my godmother). And, when I had dd2, the only people who visited were my godmother and my mom & stepdad...and they were bringing all my other kids! I went from probably 25-30 visitors with my oldest to 3 with my youngest. On some levels, it really hurt, especially after all my trials and tribulations trying to have them at all. But, it is what it is. DS1 was the first grandchild, and the first baby in my circle of friends. DD2 was the 12th grandchlid. People just aren't that hyped, anymore. It still kind of sucks, though. DD2 is just as big a deal as ds1, dd1 or ds2, yk?

I hope your dd had a nice birthday.

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