When someone asks your DC if they've been "good" - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 10-16-2010, 01:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
acupuncturemomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,512
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What to do when someone asks your child if they've been "good"?!? Really bugs me. DD told our neighbor (adult) she wanted a bike for Christmas and he asked if she's been good. She said yes (I could tell she felt awkward.) Then he asked, "really good?" Again, she said yes. Then he said, "A good girl would have gotten off her friend's bike after the last lap since her mom asked her to!" (I had told her one more lap on the friend's bike and then we needed to get home. She, of course, was still riding around a bit since the adults were still gabbing.) Yuck!!!

The neighbor's DS then asked me if it was true that DD is always good--because I had said that she was. I then said, "Yes, I do believe that all children are inherently good." Guess i probably got my point across?!?

crochetsmilie.gif mama to DD 8/06, DS 9/09
 

Set the gearshift for the high gear of your soul jammin.gif
acupuncturemomma is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 10-16-2010, 02:03 AM
 
MusicianDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Tuponia
Posts: 8,928
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yuck is right.

I use the "kids are inherently good" with adults too if someone asks my oldest if she's been good.

malesling.GIFMutant Papa to DD (12)hippie.gif and DS (2)babyf.gif, married to DHribbonrainbow.gif
If it looks like I'm trying to pick a fight... I'm not, I'm rarely that obvious.hammer.gif
MusicianDad is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 02:33 AM
 
One_Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 4,668
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 35 Post(s)
When people ask my dd that I speak for her and say she is always good. If they comment on something she is doing I smile and say she is fine, being a normal energetic kid, or something similar to that.
One_Girl is online now  
Old 10-16-2010, 02:51 AM
 
basje's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Bay Area, Ca
Posts: 369
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I wish I knew the solution for this too. I've noticed my mother making comments to my eight month old about "being a good girl." It totally makes me stiffen and I find it totally creepy. I've made comments about how children are always good but it doesn't seem to get my point across.

Organic eating, cloth diapering, no vaxing, cosleeping, breastfeeding mean machine.
basje is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 04:12 AM
 
grumpybear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 898
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank goodness. I thought I was weird for being bothered by it.
My MIL who we see once a year at most, always asks this of my son whenever they talk on the phone. I hate it because there is inherent judgment to that question. She's the grandma. She should not be judging her grandkids.
Everytime my DS is asked that question he gets a puzzled look on his face because we've never really labelled him as good or bad so I'm not even sure if he gets the context of the question.
grumpybear is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 11:18 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Lost in a good book (in San Diego)
Posts: 4,729
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've been thinking about teaching DD to say something silly that would interrupt the judgment, like, "Good? I'm pheNOMenal!" because it does bug me when people ask this a lot around xmastime. My family is pretty good about avoiding it-- I tell people right off (family) that we don't say "good girl" and that sort of thing, and neighbors who say it or like at the park, I just overwrite it with "you did it!" or something, try to hint that we don't say it, if it's someone we'll see regularly.
St. Margaret is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 11:48 AM
 
NiteNicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 4,580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
Ok, don't tell anyone but when someone asks my four year old that, she says, "Have YOU?" with a small bit of attitude. I may or may not have taught her that.
NiteNicole is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 12:01 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Lost in a good book (in San Diego)
Posts: 4,729
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
Ok, don't tell anyone but when someone asks my four year old that, she says, "Have YOU?" with a small bit of attitude. I may or may not have taught her that.
Love it!
St. Margaret is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 12:19 PM
 
ChetMC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Montreal, Canada
Posts: 2,547
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't like it either. Mostly I let it go. It doesn't happen that often, and it doesn't seem to really register with any of our kids when people do say it. They don't seem to see it as a judgment on their self worth, just a silly thing that grown-ups say.

Grr.. I do really hate it when my in laws tell the kids to "be good for mommy". I just try not to roll my eyes. Usually the kids are too distracted about something else to even notice they've said it. It just represents attitudes that I don't believe in so it annoys me, I don't think it actually impacts the kids in a significant way.

I have pointed out to my mom that "good" is too vague to be useful. My mom has asked our kids to be good, and I have encouraged her to be a lot more specific about what she means. Our five year old is not able to extrapolate the term "good" into behaviour appropriate to the situation on her own. Once I pointed it out, my mom understood that it's better to say "please sit on your chair, use a quieter voice, use your fork, etc" rather than to just say "be good".

Our six year old can sort of read what people really mean when they say good. I do think that older children eventually tune in to what people really mean when they say stuff like this... are you corporative, helpful, kind, responsible, etc. Hopefully most kids transition from just ignoring the comment to understanding what people really mean by it.

I have encouraged our girls to consider the question "are you being good" the same as "our you cooperating" where our family definition of cooperation is "working together to get an important job done".

Julie - Mom to Elizabeth (Libby) age 6, Penelope (Penny) age 5, Elliott age 29 months, and Oscar who is 1 year old!
ChetMC is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 02:09 PM
 
jeteaa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Out there
Posts: 898
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
sometimes I thing we just need to redefine the term "good". Its used in songs....
All the stamps on by kids papers say "good job", it is a term engraved in most peoples minds... PEOPLE DON'T MEAN ANY HARM using the term. And I truly don't think kids grow up to think they are BAD if they are not "good".
jeteaa is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 02:34 PM
 
bodhitree's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: where the mountains meet the plains
Posts: 904
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jeteaa View Post
sometimes I thing we just need to redefine the term "good". Its used in songs....
All the stamps on by kids papers say "good job", it is a term engraved in most peoples minds... PEOPLE DON'T MEAN ANY HARM using the term. And I truly don't think kids grow up to think they are BAD if they are not "good".
Just because it's used all the time doesn't mean it's okay. And of course people don't mean any harm by it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't cause any harm. I personally was damaged by the idea that was communicated to me growing up that I could fall into one of two categories: "good," if I was doing everything right or at least everything the way my parents expected of me, or the implied "bad" if I was failing to do so. And now I see it being passed on to the next generation: my 5yo nephew got in trouble for doing something he shouldn't have done, and he protested in a sad little voice, "But I'm a good person!" Because in his mind, he has been taught that he can only qualify as "good" if he is behaving the way the adults want him to. I think that's horrible, personally.

Living the good life and walking a path of peace with DH and DD (4/09)
bodhitree is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 02:37 PM
 
limabean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 9,431
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jeteaa View Post
sometimes I thing we just need to redefine the term "good". Its used in songs....
All the stamps on by kids papers say "good job", it is a term engraved in most peoples minds... PEOPLE DON'T MEAN ANY HARM using the term. And I truly don't think kids grow up to think they are BAD if they are not "good".
I tend to agree that most people don't have any ill intention when they ask a kid if they've been good, and I try to mostly act based on intention rather than the specific words that are said. I let the generic "Have you been good this year" comment go, especially when said in reference to Christmas.

That said, the neighbor guy in the OP kept it up a bit long, IMO -- there was no need to hammer the point home three times or mention anything about the bike. He was basically saying, "No you aren't good and here's why" by that point -- I'd have been annoyed too.

DH+Me 1994 heartbeat.gif DS 2004 heartbeat.gif DD 2008 heartbeat.gif DDog 2014
limabean is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 03:55 PM
 
NiteNicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 4,580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jeteaa View Post
sometimes I thing we just need to redefine the term "good". Its used in songs....
All the stamps on by kids papers say "good job", it is a term engraved in most peoples minds... PEOPLE DON'T MEAN ANY HARM using the term. And I truly don't think kids grow up to think they are BAD if they are not "good".
For the most part, I agree with you. I don't even get super upset with "be sweet for Mommy" or "be good for Mommy" - my mom is the only one who ever says anything like that and I know it's just a thing she says.

I am a bit sensitive about it because of all the "she's just not a good baby" and "is she a good baby" kind of comments I got when she was a newborn. She cried all the time, she threw up, she never slept, it was a very HARD year and I constantly heard that she wasn't a good baby, that maybe my next one would be a good baby. Sorry you got a bad baby. Ugh. Again, I know what people were really saying was she wasn't EASY. And she wasn't. Easy to love, but not an easy baby. As a new mom, it was hard to see other moms with newborns in slings, going on with their lives, doing things, etc, when I was covered in vomit and holding a screaming wild cat 24/7. I KNOW it's my own sensitivity that responds to "have you been a good girl."

But some people really are trying to be manipulative and/or snotty. They're trying to back a kid into a situation where they have to admit that no, in fact, they're not "being a good girl." In the OP's example, that guy had an agenda. He clearly wanted to be able to tell her she wasn't being a good girl, and either embarrass her or shame her into admitting it. That is not cool.

My daughter is also a bit of a people pleaser. She wants other people, children and adults, to like her. A lot. This worries me. A lot. For myself, as a child I let people walk on me and made some bad choices just trying to keep everyone's approval. I gave up a lot of things that I really wanted just to keep the peace. When random adults ask her if she's been a good girl, I know it's just (for the most part) them making conversation but at the same time, I feel like I need to teach my daughter that "good" doesn't have to mean complacent pushover. And that is my own issue.
NiteNicole is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 04:43 PM
ssh
 
ssh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,681
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It hasn't come up, but I would interrupt the conversation saying "we use the word good to mean intrinsic value, all children are good. Bad people steal stuff, hurt people on purpose or kill people, so none of our family are bad people.". I would interrupt anyone trying to grill my DD on her behavior or her value.

My DD is a people pleaser kind of kid too and would be very upset if some one told her she was bad. We have worked on teaching her how to stick up for herself, tell people "NO!" and "Stop!" if they are rude.
ssh is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 05:51 PM
 
shanniesue2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: walking my path
Posts: 1,529
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
when we're with my ILs (not very often b/c they live a 15 hour drive from us), we hear a lot of "good boys." Especially for meal time things like eating all his food or using his fork or something equally trivial. If I'm around, my response is, "awww.... yeah...he would be a good boy even if he didn't eat all his food." I usually try to say it in a really adoring, sweet tone of voice so that it doesn't sound catty. I guess that's kind of passive agressive of me, though. But I mostly say it for DS's benefit. Because I want him to learn that I think he's good no matter what his behavior is (although in terms of food, I'm not sure why I get that it makes someone good to eat all their food or to use silverware).

mommy to Christopher 2/29/08
shanniesue2 is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 06:08 PM
 
EdnaMarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 5,937
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I believe that all people are sort of morally neutral and it's their actions that are good or bad, and that we all make good and bad choices. So if people ask me, I tell them to ask her, she knows what she's been up to! LOL

I don't think I or my kids are good. I also don't think stbx/separated dh is "bad" or "good". We're just people.

When people ask that, they don't mean, "Are you intrinsically good and worth loving?"

They mean, "Have you been doing good things?"

If you want a comeback to highlight the judgment, what about, "Enough about us. What have YOU been up to?"

Quote:
children are always good
My mom used to say that to me, and I used to think she was just lying to manipulate me.

I wondered if she really didn't know I was capable of lying, cheating, or hating my sister with a passion.

Children do thinks that are morally wrong. Period. Babies don't, but small children do try to deceive sometimes. Maybe they learn it from an imperfect world, maybe it's genetic. Hard to tell. But I think it's disingenuous to pretend it's not so, and frankly, it doesn't help the child.

The child knows when they are doing something wrong and that doesn't deserve praise!

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
EdnaMarie is offline  
Old 10-16-2010, 06:34 PM
 
BarnMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 460
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Whenever this sort of thing comes up, we rephrase with "ggod behavior."

If MIL says(ugh) "you're a good/bad boy..."

I always cut in and say, "Yes, you've had good behavior or true, honey, I think x,y,z is bad behavior"

We use the behavior distinction often.

With my baby, if people ask if she's a good baby (gag) I always say "all babies are good- look how sweet! How could they not be? But yes she's a very agreeable baby."
BarnMomma is offline  
Old 10-17-2010, 12:26 AM
 
Smokering's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 8,322
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
Well, we're Calvinists, so when Mum got sick of "Is she a GOOD baby?"-type questions she'd reply automatically "There is none good".

What bugs me is when DD gets told by strangers that she's being good when they've only been watching her for two seconds. What do they mean - not actively throwing a tantrum? I mean, yes, she usually is being good (or at least nondisruptive, when we get comments), and I'll tell her periodically when we're out that I like how nicely she's walking with Mummy, or whatever - but she doesn't need to hear that walking around a mall is some kind of supervirtue every ten minutes, you know?

If decomposition persists please see your necromancer.

Smokering is offline  
Old 10-17-2010, 12:55 AM
 
meemee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Norther California
Posts: 12,625
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 22 Post(s)
*shrug* it doesnt bother me. we've had it happen maybe a couple of times.

during those times i felt the stress wasnt on is my dd good. but more like why dont you be a good girl and help your mother. so they were trying to be helpful. their way of support for a single mom. which i didnt mind. i didnt challenge or say anything to the person because i knew dd would be watching me and my reaction is her biggest key.

however dd has always been brought up to speak her mind politely. and she does speak up. in fact she did it much better when she was younger. now she is much more shyer.

good girl rolls of her back. she knows she is being asked to do something. she gets good job from everywhere. when she was 5 she loved telling me 'good job' mommy. then she went thru the phase of 'tell me 'good job' mommy'. so i would tell her well tell me what you think. did you give it your best shot. are you happy with the result? well then should "I" be saying good job or should you?

i know most people mean well. i know they try to be helpful. i dont usually take words at their face value.

however i have never had a friend or an acquaintance say it. they are far more direct about it.

 treehugger.gif Co-parent, joy.gifcold.gifbrand new homeschooling middle schoolerjoy.gif, and an attackcat.gif 
meemee is offline  
Old 10-17-2010, 03:15 AM
 
Oubliette8's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 805
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by bodhitree View Post
Just because it's used all the time doesn't mean it's okay. And of course people don't mean any harm by it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't cause any harm. I personally was damaged by the idea that was communicated to me growing up that I could fall into one of two categories: "good," if I was doing everything right or at least everything the way my parents expected of me, or the implied "bad" if I was failing to do so. And now I see it being passed on to the next generation: my 5yo nephew got in trouble for doing something he shouldn't have done, and he protested in a sad little voice, "But I'm a good person!" Because in his mind, he has been taught that he can only qualify as "good" if he is behaving the way the adults want him to. I think that's horrible, personally.
Thanks. I have trouble with this too. I'm sure maybe most kids don't grow up to have issues if the concept is used sparingly. But under some circumstances, yeah, kids DO grow up to have good/bad issues. This is something that comes up often for me- if I'm doing something that doesn't please other people then I'm "bad" and need to try harder to be "good" Even if whatever is displeasing is a skill others would appreciate in adults. Like, if I stand up for myself and someone gets mad then I'm "bad" even if I'm entirely justified. Those kind of issues probably don't come from just one or two instances, but I don't think that its the correct message to be sending to kids.
Oubliette8 is offline  
Old 10-17-2010, 04:04 AM
ssh
 
ssh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,681
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I do feel children are inherently good. When we talk about behavior with our almost 5 year old DD we talk about choices and choosing things that are good ideas or bad ideas. A person isn't their behavior because behavior is a new choice all the time. I have talked with DD about choosing behavior that matches the kind of person she wants to be. For example behaviors can be rude, helpful, grumpy, or friendly, and everyone has all sorts of behaviors, but we can choose behaviors that express the kind of person we are or want to be. No ones perfect and we don't judge people on a one time annoying behavior. I have told her that there are people who have chosen to be bad people and those people are dangerous.

I don't care about other people saying 'good job'. We use the term for actual work. For example, "thanks, you did a good job dusting it looks really nice." It's not an artificial kind of kids only thing. I thank my DH when he does stuff around the house and he thanks me for doing stuff too.
ssh is offline  
Old 10-17-2010, 06:12 PM
 
childsplay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: In the woods.
Posts: 433
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't like the question, it's unfair to the kids and really puts them on the spot. (my kids anyway who, while I do believe are good by nature, can be downright devilish sometimes...or often because they're kids, no biggie) I've never had this question asked to my kids when they were actually BEING GOOD, always they've done something 'bad' and the person (adult) has witnessed it.

Most of the time they just shrug and get uncomfortable when they're asked, because usually they've just finished smacking/kicking/wrestling each other, breaking something or peeing somewhere they shouldn't be peeing.
So, this 'have you been good' question in our experience is used to make them feel like they did something 'bad' - which they most likely did, but why not just call them on it? Why hide behind the 'have you been good' only to reveal two minutes later as the child is uncomfortable and weirded out that the person witnessed the 'bad' behavior?
Why not just say 'look kid, don't pee on my rosebush, ok?' or 'hey, I saw you punch your brother, don't let it happen again' ??
childsplay is offline  
Old 10-17-2010, 06:40 PM
 
wytchywoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: The Room of Requirement
Posts: 2,862
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
Ok, don't tell anyone but when someone asks my four year old that, she says, "Have YOU?" with a small bit of attitude. I may or may not have taught her that.
Love that! Totally Awesome!!!

M : proud mama to B (16) : and G (8) and : x 2 :
wytchywoman is offline  
Old 10-18-2010, 02:53 PM
 
heatherdeg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Everywhere... thanks, technology!
Posts: 4,831
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
Ok, don't tell anyone but when someone asks my four year old that, she says, "Have YOU?" with a small bit of attitude. I may or may not have taught her that.




Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
Children do thinks that are morally wrong. Period. Babies don't, but small children do try to deceive sometimes. Maybe they learn it from an imperfect world, maybe it's genetic. Hard to tell. But I think it's disingenuous to pretend it's not so, and frankly, it doesn't help the child.

The child knows when they are doing something wrong and that doesn't deserve praise!

I don't disagree with you about the actual behaviors and whether they're bad or good (and maybe my thoughts on this come from having an incredibly sensitive and negative 6yo--bad enough that we're considering therapy for him)... but I DO like to take the focus off the person and place it on the actions. I absolutely call him out on his mischief, but I focus on the act and not on him as a person. So I'm not praising his deceptions, but I'm also not vilifying him as a whole for his trials and tribulations learning what is acceptable behavior as a normal course of growing up.

Heather - Wife , Mommy  & Health & Wellness Educator, Speaker & Consultant 
 
Dairy, soy & corn free with limited gluten... yes, really. And journeying towards peace.  Blogging about both.
 
Let me guide you to find the food and lifestyle choices...
heatherdeg is offline  
Old 10-18-2010, 04:16 PM
 
EdnaMarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 5,937
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Heather, I completely agree with you, but I think re-framing the question as a question about actions is more useful than focusing on what it *might* mean (E.g. Are you an intrinsically good person or an intrinsically bad person, as evidenced by your actions over a specific time period? Which I agree is a silly one).

Several people here mentioned that they DO think all children are good, and I was partially adding my 2c on that point.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
EdnaMarie is offline  
Old 10-18-2010, 06:12 PM
 
journeymom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Having a Gilly Water with McGonagall
Posts: 7,417
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
I feel like I need to teach my daughter that "good" doesn't have to mean complacent pushover. And that is my own issue.
Excellent point.

Quote:
Originally Posted by childsplay View Post
I don't like the question, it's unfair to the kids and really puts them on the spot....

why not just call them on it? Why hide behind the 'have you been good' only to reveal two minutes later as the child is uncomfortable and weirded out that the person witnessed the 'bad' behavior?
Why not just say 'look kid, don't pee on my rosebush, ok?' or 'hey, I saw you punch your brother, don't let it happen again' ??
Oh, I totally agree. It's up there with asking "Did you steal the cookie from the cookie jar?" when you already know they did. What's the point of asking? It just sets them to be tempted to lie.

And yes, weirded out is a good way to put it. I remember being asked if I'd been good. The question threw me for a loop. Huh? Is this a trick question? I think I've been good. Do you know something I don't know??

Someone moved my effing cheese.
journeymom is offline  
Old 10-18-2010, 06:27 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: On a pilgrimage to Canterbury
Posts: 2,567
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I hate it. But I think my reaction is really averse because the good/bad binary was used in an emotionally abusive way when I was a kid. I still struggle with self-worth because of this very thing.

So yeah, I get peeved when people ask. Especially my parents. And they ask a lot, and say "good boy/girl" a lot too. The first time my dad did it, I said, "Dad, he's not a dog, okay?" He hasn't done it much since.

I also think it's ridiculous that it's not very specific. I never knew what the "right" answer to that question was supposed to be as a kid. If you answer yes, you are lying (at least, based on the definition of "good" in my house growing up) and if you answer no, then you set yourself up for criticism.
InMediasRes is offline  
Old 10-18-2010, 10:55 PM
 
gcgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,311
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by acupuncturemomma View Post
Then he said, "A good girl would have gotten off her friend's bike after the last lap since her mom asked her to!"
Your neighbor was setting your DD up for a verbal smackdown.
gcgirl is offline  
Old 10-19-2010, 01:03 PM
 
mariamadly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,605
Mentioned: 10 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 94 Post(s)
Got the penetrating "Is he a GOOD baby?" from an elderly lady in a store when DS1 was an infant. "He's a VERY good baby -- he lets me know exactly what he needs."

Wish I'd heard about "Have YOU?" sooner!!!

Empty-nesting SAHM to DS1 (1989), DS2 (1992), and an overachieving mother (1930). Married to DH since 1986.
mariamadly is online now  
Old 10-19-2010, 01:11 PM
 
Youngfrankenstein's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 2,225
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by gcgirl View Post
Your neighbor was setting your DD up for a verbal smackdown.

I do think some people make these statements for 2 reasons: 1. to "help" the parent get more listening out of a kid by being another helpful voice and 2. to send mommy a message that she let something go.

I think 1. can be okay, number two is backhanded and not helpful. If that person has something to say to mom, they should say it.

And I TOTALLY agree with what Edna Marie was saying. We talk to our kids about having a good, honest character and use the golden rule, but we don't want them to think if they make any tiny selfish mistake that they are useless and a bad person. Striving to be the best you can be is a great goal but perfection isn't.

Mama to 4. winner.jpghomebirth.jpg
Youngfrankenstein is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off