Does your Mom agree w/ your parenting choices? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 37 Old 10-28-2010, 02:30 AM
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Originally Posted by colsxjack View Post
My mother probably doesn't agree with much of what we do. But she doesn't say much she is much more of a passive-aggressive person. We do not see her much. And she knows that her opinions really dont matter much to me. She does make a few comments off hand. Like she always asks if DD is in her own bed yet. I just say "No" in a matter of fact way and she drops it. But I know she thinks she should be. She probably would not think highly of DD still nursing at 15 months. But who cares. I know she didnt have a problem with nursing a baby, but she probably thinks it should end the same time you'd wean off formula.

MIL is pretty good. She is all into baby wearing and breast feeding and co-sleeping. (she still sleeps with her twin 8 yr olds and cuddles with her other kids as much as they will let her). Although, MIL is more willing to express her opinions than my mother. So, even when opinions jive with mine, the fact that someone else is interjecting their opinions into my parenting just irks me.

For the OP. It is very common here for everyone to take off their shoes in someones home unless at a large party. It is actually weird when you go to someones house and they tell you not to bother. Maybe tell your Mom that pesticides and such on her shoes are harmful to DD and while she still spends a lot of time on the floor and with toys on the floor you would not want them on in your house. Maybe buy her a nice pair of indoor shoes or slippers for use at your house. Might be a good Christmas present or something from your child to her. Maybe even let her bring a favourite pair of previously outdoor shoes that live at your house and become her indoor shoes. Maybe she is just VERY uncomfortable without shoes on and needs substantial soles and not just socks or slippers.

For the swearing. Maybe if you just tell her that you are not asking her to change who she is. Asking her not to swear if she swears like a sailor is basically telling her that she is offensive and her personality is not good for your child. Maybe if you ask her to cut it out for the short term, while your child is in the parroting stage, then she can go back to her "wonderful expressive self". That may be easier for her to hear and do. And once the child is past the parroting stage she likely wont pick it up from Grandma more than from other kids. My Dad swears like a sailor and us kids didn't end up with unusual potty mouths.
nice analysis.
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#32 of 37 Old 10-29-2010, 07:12 AM
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My mom did not agree with many of my parenting choices, maybe even most of them, but she would never go so far as baptize my baby without my consent (that's crossing a HUGE line imo!) and refuse to abide by the rules of my house. She expected the same for me (respect her rules), so she respected mine, though we mostly hung out on her turf.

It was hard for me not to get drawn into heated discussions with her and it's something that I struggled with while she was alive (she passed away almost two years ago), but one thing I did was to stop counting on her approval and just parent the way I want to and do what works for me and offer her as little details about our life and try to stop all escalating conversations with a "I understand that you don't think this is what I should be doing, but I've researched it and it's what works for me and I will keep your opinion in my, but we just have to agree to disagree on this one." And it was easier said than done.
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#33 of 37 Old 10-29-2010, 03:09 PM
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Does my mom agree with my parenting choices? Oh nooooooooo.

She was totally against me having an out-of-hospital birth. Whenever she hears about giving birth at home she always says it's dangerous. And she is a died in the wool vaccine devotee. (Because of this and the fact that she is mentally unbalanced, I have not disclosed my son's vaccination status to her. I honestly wouldn't put it past her to report me for choosing not to vaccinate per the CDC's schedule.) My mother lives off of Top Ramen and I don't want my son anywhere near the stuff.

My mom tends to be very toxic person to be around. I just can't handle being around her very much, so I don't see her very often.

Baptizing the baby without your consent?! Totally out of line! I can understand where she's coming from, if she is Catholic and believes baptism to be necessary for salvation, but that seems really seems insensitive of her.

Good luck with her!

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#34 of 37 Old 10-29-2010, 07:15 PM
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I don't think the Baptism is a big deal because if you are athiest, it means nothing. Now, if she starts making remarks to your child, like telling your child she is going to hell because she does not attend XYZ church, then I would take issue.

The rest of the stuff, oh,, I know what you mean. I get so much from family. It is everything from home schooling to breastfeeding, even to using a car seat beyond 2 yrs old. Not piercing ears, my daughter not wearing make up, etc. My daughter is 14 and has no interest in makeup. She probably has no interest because my nieces and relatives have been trying to force it on her for some time.

Back to the religion thing, my MIL used to try to slip Catholic things to my children. She would put pictures of saints and such in their car seats and claim they needed to be there to protect them. Well, I do not believe in worshipping idols and I do not like that she was doing that. I believe you should only pray to or worship God or Jesus in my religion. You should definitely not worship pictures of people and most certainly not people who are not Jesus or God. She also tried to take my baby to be Baptised, but in reality, she never got access to my child alone. I was really bothered by this, until a Nun reminded me that if I felt that the pictures meant nothing, it was no big deal to toss out the pictures. I was afraid to throw them away as I actually thought they might be sacred or something. But in reality, those pictures and such are not a part of my religion. However, I never threw them away, I tossed them in a charity box and figured those people could deal with it. Maybe they would want them if they were in to worshipping pictures and such.

I was just about to make a post about when others openly disagree with your parenting. I am worried some of it has been destructive. I will tell you that my MIL has been trying to tell my children that they are going to hell because they are not Catholic. She has been trying to get my husband to take communion at her church and she has been demanding that if he refuses, he must stand in front of her church and denounce Catholicism. I know she is saying that to manipulate him. If you do not believe in Catholicism, or any other religion, then you do not believe that their ceremonies and traditions mean things. In otherwords, then he does not see a meaning in denouncing a religion. However, we do teach our children about freedom of religion and I think it is horribly rude and horrible, so horrible, to go to someone else's place of worship to denounce it. Therefore, my husband would never do such a thing.
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#35 of 37 Old 10-29-2010, 07:18 PM
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I want to add though, do not leave your child alone with her. It sounds like she must have been left alone with your child for a period of time to take him to a church and have him Baptized. I would also find out where she had him Baptized (I think it is possible she is lying) and then call that place and complain about them doing it against parental consent. Also, find out if there is a formal complaint process and formally turn in whomever did the Baptism. I know that in some churches, they must have parental consent to do Baptisms.

Was your mother left alone with your baby and a car seat for a long enough period of time that she could have transported him to a church and have him Baptized? Or is she more likely lying about this?
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#36 of 37 Old 10-29-2010, 09:01 PM
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I don't think the Baptism is a big deal because if you are athiest, it means nothing. Now, if she starts making remarks to your child, like telling your child she is going to hell because she does not attend XYZ church, then I would take issue.
I disagree - it's a big deal no matter WHAT you are, whether your beliefs are almost identical or diametrically opposed. At the very least, baptism to an atheist means the baptising grandparent is being disrespectful, conniving and incredibly inappropriate - and I'm sure many atheists would view it as far worse than that.

I'm Protestant and a credobaptist, so I don't believe infant Catholic baptism "means anything", in the sense of conferring any benefit, spiritual standing etc on my child (or any kind of curse or negative consequences, either). I'd STILL be beyond livid if my Catholic parents-in-law had pulled that stunt on me, and it would very possibly have been the last time they saw my child.

She has been trying to get my husband to take communion at her church and she has been demanding that if he refuses, he must stand in front of her church and denounce Catholicism.
That is truly bizarre. I'm intrigued. To the best of my knowledge it isn't REMOTELY supported by Catholic doctrine - where's she getting it from? Is there some kind of ceremony he has to do? Kind of an "I denounce thee and all thy pernicious doctrines" speech? Does it have to be during Mass? Does she expect the priest to formally excommunicate him or something? Ask her to write up an order of service for the occasion, I wanna know.

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#37 of 37 Old 10-30-2010, 12:04 AM - Thread Starter
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So many wise mamas on here! Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and advice.

I think the thing that touched me the most, personally, is the concept that I do not actually need my parents' approval - although I may want it, it is not at all necessary and the sooner I stop wishing for it, the sooner I will stop feeling disappointed!! The other point I took to heart is that if I continue to keep feeling this way I need to muster up some courage and address it directly. It's crazy to me that my mom does not realize I feel this way - but I know she really doesn't! Realizing this also gave me the perspective that she is not *trying* to be hurtful.

The other post going around right now - the 'what's the craziest baby thing someone's ever said to you' or some such title, also made me feel better - or at least that I am not the only person who has fielded a series of bizarre remarks and just downright terrible advice from loved ones, lol.

Oh, and on the baptism thing; my mom is a Eucharistic minister, so she just did the baptism prayer thing over DD - in her view (seems to differ with different Catholic sources), she is qualified to make that sacrament "count". It was the night DD was born; dh was saying goodbye to the midwives and I was in the bathroom so there was no leaving the house w/out my knowledge, church ceremony, etc. My head nearly exploded when she told me for a variety of reasons, but mostly b/c it felt like one of the most outright disrespectful things she could do, being quite clear in her understanding of mine and DH's views... as I type the explanation I get upset about it again, but once again I did not find the oomph to deal with that conversation.

My last thought is that DH and I are planning on moving back to the west coast in a few years; I know this sounds awful, but many of these things that are weighing so heavily on me now would not bother me as much if it were in the capacity of a visiting grandparent, as opposed to one we see several times a week... does that make me a horrid person? Something else to ponder!

Anyway, thank you again for the great food for thought!

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