Does your Mom agree w/ your parenting choices? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 10-27-2010, 07:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
sammymama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 100
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi all,

I'm back again, seeking advice on communicating differing parenting styles with my mom - who is a lovely person in general, and absolutely *adores* and dotes on my 14 mo DD. THAT SAID... the first time I was on here was b/c my mom made my postal by announcing she had had our DD baptized the night she was born, when she knows full-well that DH and I are atheist and want DD to be able to decide when/where/if any sort of sacraments she will be receiving on her own.

Since then, I have fielded numerous-beyond-count questions, "suggestions" and just plain rude comments and instructions from both of my folks regarding our decisions in the areas of (not shockingly) extended b-f, co-sleeping, wearing the baby, what we feed her, etc. I'm really at a loss as to how much of this is "normal" with grandparents of a different generation - and I know in general that we have some pretty different philosophies... I don't want to feel angry or annoyed with my mom as often as I have this past year, but these are really personal issues and I don't understand how she can NOT see how far over the line she is at times (especially when she can vividly describe moments from when I was a baby and she felt her MIL or others stepped on her mama-toes).

Her latest issues are with my asking her to take her shoes off in our house, and to please not swear around DD. We just moved into a tiny little house, and with DD all over the floor it just seemed easier to ask everyone this favor (no one has complained but her). And plucky and hilarious as my mom is, she does swear like a sailor, constantly. I understand you cannot ask everyone around you to censor themselves - but my mom is the person who sees our daughter the most besides us... is that not a fair request? DD is mimicking *everything* we say and do right now, and it's just a matter of time before some foul word is part of her rep. It is going to be so un-funny to me when she starts f-bombing all over the place!!

I had a very direct conversation with my mom when DD was around 5 mo, which was really hard for me as I am generally extremely non-confrontational. My mom was shocked that I was having any sort of "issues" with the two of us - she said I am just too sensitive, isn't it lucky that she and my dad care so much, and that she would try to watch her comments. I feel like she did for a moment and now we're back to as it was before.

For the "regular" comments, I generally use the 'it's working for us' reply, or just don't respond at all, and of course have long ago stopped discussing any sleep issues. In many ways this is sad to me, especially b/c after DD was first born my mom was my main support system during the day, but after all the running commentary I stopped having her around b/c it was harder to take all of that extra baggage rather than managing a newborn on my own. And I understand the concept of agreeing to disagree - but if that is going to be the case, do I still have to constantly field all of the comments from her point of view all the time?

Sorry, this turned out to be really long. I would really welcome anyone's input/similar experiences. Maybe I am too sensitive? Or maybe I need a new "coping" mechanism? (I know it is very un-Dahli Lama to go into the same situation expecting a different result that you cannot control and continually end up feeling disappointed!)

Thanks for reading.
sammymama is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 10-27-2010, 12:21 PM
 
cschick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 896
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm lucky in that my mom's parenting style was pretty close to my own (she was pretty crunchy for the 1970s) thus her advice has been all mainly in line with my own opinions.

But there have been a few things were we disagree, particularly on dealing with a kid who takes picky eating to the far extreme. It's not even that she didn't have a child who took picky eating to the far extreme (my just-younger sister was JUST like my son is) but that she's kind of mentally revised her history on that. She says that she never, ever put conditions on eating for her kids (like, you need to eat a certain amount to have dessert, you need to eat a certain amount to leave the table) while I have pretty distinct memories of my sister being required to sit at the table until she'd eaten a certain amount of food. And like my son, it was because my sister's eating habits were impacting her health to a degree.

And when my mom expounds about how she didn't do and disagrees with what we're doing, I kind of nod and smile, and continue to do what we're doing.
cschick is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 12:25 PM
 
~Boudicca~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: New England
Posts: 3,557
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Nope. But then again, I have since made it known to her that she was a less-than-stellar parenting example so now she keeps her comments and suggestions to herself.
~Boudicca~ is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 12:34 PM
 
Fyrestorm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 3,766
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My mom has passed. It's the reason I now have have a child. I never would have considered it while she was alive.

I would have had CPS or the police at more door every day. She most likely would have tried to get custody.

Don't get me wrong, I loved her, but it would have been a living hell to have a child with her anywhere within a million mile radius.

So, no, My mom would not have agreed with my parenting choices to the point that never having children was a definite option for me most of my adult life.

Victim of Birth Rape & Coerced ribboncesarean.gifUnnecesareanribboncesarean.gif What makes people think they can cut up someone else's genitals? nocirc.gif
Fyrestorm is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 12:34 PM
 
ASusan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,839
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Much of my mother's approach to parenting is aligned with mine. When it is not, or we do things differently in our house and I ask her to change, she complies. (She stopped mocking my son's crying as soon as I pointed it out to her. She is better at taking her shoes off and wearing slippers in our house than we are, even though they wear shoes at their house. When I pointed out that her calling DS "little monkey" might appear to have racial implications, she stopped (even though he WAS being a monkey).

The very few things that continue are her very subtle comments about extended nursing, starting at 13 mos. ("You're getting big for sucky." "Oh, come on now, let grandma put you to bed. You don't need that (nursing) anymore.") I ignore the comments, as she is here only 2-3 times a year. I think she is probably critical - or at least questioning - our decisions to not vax (yet), but she also admits that vaccines and the schedule are different now than they were in the 70s-80s, and she hasn't researched it at all. (Having her read Evidence of Harm pretty much opened her nurse's eyes in a big way.)

All-in-all, I have to say she's been really respectful of our parenting and any deviations from how I was raised. I think that it is partly because we are older parents, and because DH is from a different culture. She may brush off differences - co-sleeping is one I hadn't even thought of until typing this - as cultural influences of DH's family/culture.

DS, 10/07. Allergies: peanut, egg, wheat. We've added dairy back in. And taken it back out again. It causes sandpaper skin with itchy patches and thrashing during sleep. Due w/ #2 late April, 2012.

ASusan is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 12:40 PM
 
ASusan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,839
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cschick View Post
I'm lucky in that my mom's parenting style was pretty close to my own (she was pretty crunchy for the 1970s) thus her advice has been all mainly in line with my own opinions.

And when my mom expounds about how she didn't do and disagrees with what we're doing, I kind of nod and smile, and continue to do what we're doing
.
This is what I typically do. I rarely engage if I don't agree.

The only times I've "said" something is when my dad is acting like an a$$. I have told her that he can act like that in HIS house, with HER, but I won't have him setting that example in front of our son, in our house. We don't treat people like he does.

DS, 10/07. Allergies: peanut, egg, wheat. We've added dairy back in. And taken it back out again. It causes sandpaper skin with itchy patches and thrashing during sleep. Due w/ #2 late April, 2012.

ASusan is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 12:46 PM
 
Tigerchild's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Seattle Eastside
Posts: 4,737
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Don't know--never asked her. I've gotten so used to letting any of her passive aggressive comments pass through me without registering or paying attention that I genuinely don't remember any specific complaints (and to be fair to her, her complaints are about how horrible I am, not my parenting). I don't really care what her opinions of my parenting are either. I make plenty of mistakes, but she is not and never has been a "safe" person to talk about them with--luckily I have good friends and mentors for that.

How direct are you with your mom? If you have the relationship to do so, you can always tell her point blank that when she phrases things this or that way you feel attacked, and that you'd like her to respect and listen to your house rules (and you will do likewise when you are at her place). If you do not, I highly, HIGHLY suggest that you start cultivating the nod-smile-letitgo strategy, otherwise you're going to be circling around and down the negativity/indignation vortex and someone who doesn't even live in your house and has NO control over your parenting choices isn't worth that much of your energy and happiness.
Tigerchild is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 12:48 PM
 
rhiOrion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Durham, NC
Posts: 4,164
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
For the most part she does. And there are some she doesn't necessarily understand but has no problem with. And then the one that I know she has a problem with she has kept her mouth shut about.

She agrees with not letting babies CIO. I saw her grab a cloth diaper from my diaper bag and show a whole group of women how cloth diapers are so advanced these days (it was a bumgenius). I don't think she has any problem with how we're doing solids.

The thing she does have a problem with is co-sleeping. She actually is probably getting to where she has less problems with it, though. She's not in the "omfg you'll never get that kid out of your bed!" camp. She's in the "you'll smother her!" camp. So now that DD is getting bigger I imagine she's getting less worried.

I do wonder if extended breastfeeding will be weird to her. I don't think she'll be UPSET by it at all, but I do wonder if she'll start making comments asking when I'm going to wean her and such.

So, basically, she agrees on a lot and what she doesn't agree on she mostly doesn't mention. But sometimes she lets slip some annoying opinion.

Hippie sympathizer and mom to L, 4.8.10.
Pet-mom to Squirt with FLUTD & Maya the deaf wonder dog .
rhiOrion is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 01:10 PM
 
Rose-Roget's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,499
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My mother and I don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. I love her very much, but she's a very "traditional" mother of another generation. I'm not extreme, but I do b-f past 1 year, cloth diaper, try homeopathic or natural before drugs, try to practice more attachment parenting, and get involved in my children's schooling to the extent to set them up for success. My mother has always had the attitude of "my way or the highway," and she takes it very personally that I choose a different path. Unfortunately, when approached, this leads to hurling insults at me and my choices and a very negative situation, so I avoid that confrontation whenever possible...BUT I do make my lifestyle and expectations clear in my actions and words. There are some things I have just stopped discussing with her, and it's hard because if she opened her mind to listening to me as a person (not as her child who won't do what she says), then she would really be a good resource and confidante.

Anyway, no, you don't sound like you're being too sensitive. It's hard to be a parent - especially a parent against the grain. I try to keep the perspective that parenting and possibly the insecurities that come with it never end, and even when kids become adults, parents may feel judged about their parenting choices based on the choices their kids make. I just hope that I can raise my dc's well enough to be able to make kind, loving, choices in the best interest of their children and families.

As for approach, I don't know. Like I said, there are just certain subjects that I have made a conscious effort to avoid with her. It sounds like the "It works for us" approach is probably the best a person can do. You can't change her opinion. The everyday stuff, I model the bx I expect or make casual reference to things I hear or read ("You know what I read?! Did you know that there is arsenic, lead, and/or mercury in food dye!? I'm really glad we try not to laden dc's diets with processed and artificial foods! Imagine how that can build up in kids who eat that all the time. I can't imagine what ds's attention and senstivities would be like then."). If it's really important to us (like swearing or shoes), I set the rule again (kindly and with empathy - "Mom, she's going to start repeating that one of these days," or "I know it's a pain, but we're really trying to keep our floors clean for dd. Please leave your shoes by the door,"). Then, I brace for the looks or snipes and just state that it's important to us and for dc.
Rose-Roget is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 02:00 PM
 
delphine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 911
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
While I definitely have some different philosophies on parenting, she is pretty laid back about things I do that she does not agree with.

Breastfeeding - She will proudly tell you that she breastfed all SEVEN of her children during a time when none of the people she knew were breastfeeding. And she did. But, she supplemented with formula, and only nursed for the first 6 months or so. I think she found it a little perplexing when I nursed DS past the first year mark, but she didn't ever say anything. I clearly remember being 7-8 months pregnant with ds#1 and shopping at babies r us with my mom. I was purchasing a pump-in-style. She told me it was a big waste of money because there was NO WAY that I was going to be able to work and pump. Eighteen months later, when I was STILL pumping and ds was still nursing, she actually apologized to me for not believing in me.

Cloth Diapers - Honestly, she thought it was the most bizarre thing I could possibly do. However, once I started using them, she fell in love with them and now tells all of her friends how great the new "modern" cloth diapers are and how great it was that I used them. She's almost to the point of bashing disposables at this point.

Co-sleeping - considering that I remember often sharing a bed with my parents until I was 8-9, she doesn't much have a problem with this. She voiced her disagreement when I didnt' even put up a crib for ds#2, but she really didn't say much about it.

Babywearing - again, not something she did and I know she thought I was extreme about it, but she was supportive. I do remember her telling me that I couldn't hold ds#1 ALL the time and that I should put him down or he would never learn to sleep on his own. She didn't push it though.

At this point, we do sometimes disagree on how I discipline the boys (they are 6 and 8 now). She's right though. I DO sometimes yell too much (I'm a loud person by nature) and I have very high expectations of my boys. So, it's nice sometimes that she can temper that. And, she will absolutely call me on it, which DH will not do.

So, yes, I feel very blessed that my mother has been so supportive of my parenting (and I should say, my DH's parenting too). I have learned a lot from her and if I do half the job that she did, I think my kids will be ok.
delphine is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 02:05 PM
 
delphine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 911
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
oops, I sort of made the above post "all about me" and I did want to address the concerns in the OP.

I personally don't think it's appropriate or productive for someone to consistently make comments or criticisms about someone else's parenting (of course, barring abuse or something extreme). I would be extremely hurt if a family member did that. I absolutely think you have the right to expect your mother to follow certain rules in your house. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to remove her shoes or to refrain from cursing around your child.

However, it sounds like you have asked her to do these things and she refuses. So, I guess you have to weigh the good against the bad. Are these things worth the price of having a strained and distant relationship with your mother? And...maybe they are.

Either way, good luck.
delphine is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 02:16 PM
 
fairejour's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 915
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Apparently, behind my back, I'm a good mom, but to my face, everything I do is wrong.
fairejour is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 02:47 PM
 
Owen'nZoe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,312
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My mom is pretty laid back, and there are only a few of our parenting decisions that she has disagreed with. She's always voiced her concerns in a gentle way, and backed off when I disagreed.

Coincidentally, our decision not to baptise our children did make my mom cry cry. I felt bad that my decision had caused her so much grief, but knew it was not something I could do in good concience just to make her feel better. I do joke occasionally, though, that she probably performed an 'emergency' baptism in secret at some point. My mom would never, ever tell me if she had, though. And honestly, if she did and it gives her peace of mind to think that her beloved grandchildren are eligible for heaven, I wouldn't be horribly angry. While the ceremony does not have meaning for me and it would be hypocritical for me to opt for it, for her, it means her grandchildren are eligible for heaven if something should happen to them, and gives her great peace of mind.
Owen'nZoe is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 03:28 PM
 
mtiger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,309
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wish I could help, but from the moment we told my parents that I was expecting (a looooong time ago), my Mom has been my biggest supporter. She may not have agreed with how I handled some things, but she has always said that I have been a great Mom to my kids. Guess I'm blessed.
mtiger is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 03:39 PM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,760
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
your mom doesn't have to agree with you, but she should respect you. My mom and I have minor disagreements which we both are trying to handle more respectfully.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 03:47 PM
 
Arduinna's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 31,187
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well my mom and I don't have the best relationship so I had no qualms about telling her she had her chance with her own kids, I'm the parent here.
Arduinna is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 03:47 PM
 
Alyantavid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 7,595
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
She needs to realize that this is your time to parent, not hers, even if she doesn't agree with everything.

My mom is supportive of what we choose to do, for the most part. She's appalled that we don't circ and she made a few comments when I described ds2 getting so excited after work to nurse that it was time for him to stop. This was when he was probalby 8-9 months old. But mostly she keeps to herself if she doesn't agree with something.

My dad is the only one who commented on cosleeping. He said we'd never get them out of our bed. But I also remember climbing into my parent's bed many times growing up.

Now, mil, she makes her opinions known.
Alyantavid is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 03:55 PM
 
GardenStream's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,878
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sure there are things my mother and MIL disagree with, but they would not tell us. They know that all of our parenting choices are well educated decisions and while they might not agree, they don't say anything. They are actually very good about telling us what great parents we are. It's nice to hear it because there are a lot of days where I feel I failed my children in some way.

mama to   broc1.gif DS 6/06 and banana.gif DS 4/08
GardenStream is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 04:33 PM
 
AllisonR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 3,100
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Does your Mom agree w/ your parenting choices?

I don't actually know. Maybe because I am an older momma, maybe because I am in another country, maybe because of personality... it's a non-issue. I am a mom to my kids. If my mom disagrees or agrees, she keeps it to herself, backs off and lets me do my job, and I think she can see the results are good, and she is smart enough to know that if the results are good, whatever I am doing must be OK because it is working. In fact, I often find her making efforts to be respectful, for example saying she was thinking about getting XYZ toy, would that be OK? And she, and my dad, often say what how great the kids are, which is a lovely compliment.

Also my personality is really "I'm going to do whatever I think is best. You want to offer an opinion, ok, but I am still going to do what I want, and if you don't like it, sorry, but that is really your issue." So I guess she knows there is no reason to argue with me, because I am my kids mom and I am going to do what I am going to do. On rare occasion she says things that are really off, and I get shocked, but don't really reply, and then keep on doing whatever I am doing. My dad is much more off, says whacked things all the time, but I roll my eyes (to myself) or just say hmm, ok, and go about my business, so it doesn't really bother me. I think he is totally nuts sometimes, and I am sure he things the same about me.

If I bring up something, and I can see weird or negative comments coming, then I change to another discussion and make a mental note to not discuss it again. I don't need the headache. And there is some things I have never brought up, like circumcision or delayed vax. Not sure why or why not. Not sure if they would agree or disagree, but it doesn't really matter, so I guess that is why these conversations have never come up.

I have to add that in my case, this was not so gradual. I was looking for their approval. So their comments bothered me more. Then something drastic happened, and I asked for their approval and to agree with me, which they didn't. I wanted them to change their mind, and they didn't. I was mad and upset. Then one day a huge lightning bolt hit me - it dawned on me that it would be very NICE to have their agreement / approval, but that really had nothing to do with the issues at hand. That I was my kids mom and I needed to decide on my own (or with DH) and be responsible and grow up, and stop asking for approval and take control and have trust and confidence in myself. I did. And suddenly the comments did not bother me any more. And I had a great inner peace. And I guess over time they realized their comments were grandparent comments, not comments of authority. I could always listen, but I was still going to do whatever I felt was best. It was a much healthier place, for me, for them, for everyone. Not sure if this helps you or not, but just thought I would share.
AllisonR is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 04:36 PM
 
zinemama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: from the fire roads to the interstate
Posts: 6,298
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OP, I think this is less about your mother's different opinions about child-rearing and more about the fraying relationship between you.

In talking to her about it - and you're going to have to be very direct again, though this is hard for you - I think you should frame it as, you feel her constant questioning and disregarding your wishes is damaging the relationship between the two of you. That you feel sad about this. That you wish you could feel confident talking to your mother about parenting, but that her constant criticism is wearing you down and changing a relationship you value. Make it less about what she says, specifically, and more about the overall effect on the mother-daughter bond.

Perhaps it would work better to write her a letter with these thoughts. And I don't think it could hurt to start by saying, "Remember when your MIL did xyz and you really felt it undermined your parenting? It's hard for me to say this, but lately I've been feeling the way you must have, back then..." etc.
zinemama is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 04:42 PM
 
Marissamom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,535
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree that even if she doesn't agree with you she should respect your decisions.

I guess I'm lucky that all the grandparents that are actively part of our life agree with our parenting decisions. I did have to educate my MIL a little about nursing through pregnancy and tandeming, but when she had kids close together (over 40 years ago) she in the minority for even breastfeeding at all. and once I explained it she was supportive. but for most stuff it's the same decisions that my parents made and my MIL made when they were parents. and the few things we differ in have always been accepted.

The one problem we have is with DF's dad, who we don't see very often, and the issues are reversed there, we don't agree with how my 11 year old sister in law is being raised

Marissa, Partner to J geek.gif, SAHM to A (05/09)fly-by-nursing1.gif and I (03/11)stork-boy.gif. we cd.gif
selectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gifnocirc.giffemalesling.GIFecbaby2.gif part-time and familybed1.gif through infancy. planning ahomebirth.jpg
Marissamom is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 04:47 PM
 
JudiAU's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Where creepy facebook-featured threads can't find me
Posts: 3,608
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
My great-grandmother had a terrible MIL. Complained all the time to grandmother who told the story to my mom. Result: mom doesn't give advice without asking, purchase gifts without consulting, snatch the baby out of my arms/change diaper without asking. She respects me and my sister both as parents and cautiously trys to work around horrible parent ex-SIL. The only thing she probably would have gotten worked about is if we didn't nurse and obviously were mean, etc.

She probably rolls her eyes a lot over toy choices/sleeping/stuff but she doesn't say it because it doesn't matter. We are loving parents and we have nice kids. Enough said.

MIL is another story. She will call 10-15 times a day wants to know EVERYTHING about our kids. We need a lot of mental energy to cope. EVERYTHING is about her, her parenting, etc,

Your mom sounds pretty typical. Yes, you probably need to set some limits about what her role is.
JudiAU is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 05:00 PM
 
Latte Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In toddler tantrum land
Posts: 1,192
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I' m not sure if my Mom agreed with all my choices, I know she didn't understand all of them.

Extended BF she didn't really "get" but was supportive enough. She only BF me (out of 3 kids) for a few weeks, the rest formula fed.

Co sleeping was a thorn in her side for some weird reason. I finally told her to knock it off and she stopped telling me to "get him out of your bed now before it's too late".

Extended rear facing in the car, I still her comments on and this pisses me off. I have sent her links and articles and she still asks when I'm turning him around .

Babywearing--Does not get it either. She does not understand why I don't use the stroller all the time.

I could go on and on but basically I have educated my Mom on a lot of AP philosophy and she does think I'm a good Mom. I think that it's just so different from what she is used to but she came around for the most part.

Mama to one 2 yr. old tornado banana.gif
Latte Mama is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 05:13 PM
 
physmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,432
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My mom is pretty supportive and doesn't really have an grounds to criticize me so she doesn't. On the other hand, my stepmom (who I do have a wonderful relationship in general) does question our parenting techniques a lot. Much more so at the beginning but it's gotten better over time. I guess you just can't argue with results (DD is hardly the perfect kid but clearly thriving).

Honestly, even though I know she'll have suggestions that I disagree with I still complain to her about sleep/discipline stuff etc since I figure I have that right. But I don't tend to take stuff very personally and am, in general, a pretty confident person so I can say "Oh, thanks, that's something to think about but I don't think that would work for DD" and then change the subject. Or I might just say we're working on something and leave it at that.

BTW, I would be really upset about the baptism thing. While I do consider myself Christian, I just can't stand infant baptism because I feel that it should be the child's choice. We thought about going ahead and doing it anyways (and then in my own mind just consider it like a celebration of her birth rather than something religious) to please the grandparents but just never got around to it.
physmom is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 06:11 PM
 
oaktreemama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 382
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My Mom is pretty cool with most of what we do. The weird thing she harps on is erf. I simply don't get why she cares which way my son is facing. It is a head scratcher to me.

As to your specific points-some people are really weird about having to take off their shoes. If everyone else does it w/o complaint maybe you could give your Mom a pass on that. It could also be she has foot problems and shoes give her the support she needs to be comfortable.

Swearing is again not a hill I would die on. Kids can learn that just because someone else does it doesn't make it right for them. Or they can learn it is situational.
oaktreemama is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 08:21 PM
 
lovepiggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria, B.C
Posts: 282
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've been very lucky, in that I have a mom who supports my decisions. She may not always agree with them, and I know she worries about some of them (non-vaxing), but she trusts me to do my research, knows that I am not doing things becasue of some 'fad', and supports me when talking to others.

But I agree with a pp who said that your mother needs to know that this is YOUR time to parent. YOUR child, YOUR choices. And she needs to respect them! Especialy things like not swearing around your child...
lovepiggie is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 09:27 PM
 
Smokering's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 8,313
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
In general, yes. I got a lot of my quirks and philosophy from her: things like SAH, homeschooling (in the future), BFing, CDing, no CIO and cosleeping. So yes. It's really nice to be able to complain about DD kicking me in the face at night and get commiseration, not a thinly veiled "Well, it's your own silly fault".

I think she sometimes feels I should do more "stuff" with DD, like crafts and reading books and so on. And she's right, I should, so I can't really resent that!

My mother-in-law, on the other hand...

If decomposition persists please see your necromancer.

Smokering is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 10:40 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Lost in a good book (in San Diego)
Posts: 4,729
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yes, my mom does. In fact, if I were getting elective c-sections and formula feeding, then we'd have a problem . I know she tries hard not to just tell me how to do things, but I'm sure I'd have gotten a lot of gently-sneaking-it-in-there comments. As it was, a few of her comments helped me nudge myself towards checking out cloth diapers and such. But she is very much "let them find their own way there" in her parenting philosophy.

I'm sorry your mom is disrespecting you (because that's what it is). You have every right to talk to her about limiting the comments. I agree with zinemama, and I also am like the PPs who are very "I'm confident in what I'm doing, I love ya but you can take a hike." I am very friendly but if someone starts to butt in, DH and I both are good at setting a firm boundry. I don't know what I'd do if there were someone in my our lives who just kept at it... I think we exude the attitude that it isn't welcome and won't be tolerated. But maybe we're just lucky, too. I like chatting about parenting stuff, for sure, and appreciate the occassional comments from my wise parents/ILs But all the time, disagreeing, etc? That's not all right, and it would get to me, too. OP
St. Margaret is offline  
Old 10-27-2010, 11:06 PM
 
3xMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indy
Posts: 809
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Nope, she does not. I cannot tell you the number of times I've heard "You need to put him down or he's never going to learn to be away from you" (babywearing). I pretty much nod and go about my day. If a response is required at all, I say something along the lines of "I like it, it works for me" or "that's what we've decided to do" and leave it. A few months ago, she finally did push me over the edge with her constant critiques in front of DD (4). She would constantly be telling DD in roundabout ways that she didn't have to listen to me. IE roasting marshmellows I'd tell DD to stay back and my mother would respond with "oh she's fine, she can get a little closer". It was that remark, actually, that did me in. I looked at her and told her if she was going to do nothing but critique me and undermine in front of my children, we simply wouldn't associate with her (note: we saw my parents at least twice a wk at this point, so it wasn't a small matter, it was constant). A lot of screaming, shouting, obscenities and insults happened and then we left. A month or so of complete silence from us did her in. We've never discussed the situation since, but I've not had a comment since, either.

Apparently, she thinks I'm a great mom. I've never heard that.

Do I recommend what happened between my mother and I? NO!!! NO and NO and NO!! Talking calmly with notes highlighting what you want to discuss and examples are a much better resource. My mother doesn't do that. Confronted like that it turns into a screaming match anyway, so I basically cut that out. And my dad and I had spent a lot of time trying to subtly bring it to her attention, but that didn't work out in the long run.

Anyway, the way I see it, you have to decide if you want the comments to stop or if you want to stay quiet for the sake of peace. If you want to stop them, the only thing to do is confront her. Calmly and gently if at all possible. As I said above, notes to highlight the areas you want to discuss and examples if she scoffs and doesn't believe you. If she wants to throw the guilt trip on you ("Aren't you lucky to have parent's who care so much") answer her directly. ("Yes, I am lucky my parents care, but I know your opinion already and I disagree. I'm going to continue to disagree. That's all there is to it.")

HTH--Good luck!

 read.gif Rachael~~SAHM to fairy.gif (4/27/06), diaper.gif (11/18/09) and babyf.gif (1/29/11); married to a fabulous man! flowersforyou.gif  intactlact.gif cd.gif    caffix.gif )O(

3xMama is offline  
Old 10-28-2010, 12:44 AM
 
colsxjack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 633
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My mother probably doesn't agree with much of what we do. But she doesn't say much she is much more of a passive-aggressive person. We do not see her much. And she knows that her opinions really dont matter much to me. She does make a few comments off hand. Like she always asks if DD is in her own bed yet. I just say "No" in a matter of fact way and she drops it. But I know she thinks she should be. She probably would not think highly of DD still nursing at 15 months. But who cares. I know she didnt have a problem with nursing a baby, but she probably thinks it should end the same time you'd wean off formula.

MIL is pretty good. She is all into baby wearing and breast feeding and co-sleeping. (she still sleeps with her twin 8 yr olds and cuddles with her other kids as much as they will let her). Although, MIL is more willing to express her opinions than my mother. So, even when opinions jive with mine, the fact that someone else is interjecting their opinions into my parenting just irks me.

For the OP. It is very common here for everyone to take off their shoes in someones home unless at a large party. It is actually weird when you go to someones house and they tell you not to bother. Maybe tell your Mom that pesticides and such on her shoes are harmful to DD and while she still spends a lot of time on the floor and with toys on the floor you would not want them on in your house. Maybe buy her a nice pair of indoor shoes or slippers for use at your house. Might be a good Christmas present or something from your child to her. Maybe even let her bring a favourite pair of previously outdoor shoes that live at your house and become her indoor shoes. Maybe she is just VERY uncomfortable without shoes on and needs substantial soles and not just socks or slippers.

For the swearing. Maybe if you just tell her that you are not asking her to change who she is. Asking her not to swear if she swears like a sailor is basically telling her that she is offensive and her personality is not good for your child. Maybe if you ask her to cut it out for the short term, while your child is in the parroting stage, then she can go back to her "wonderful expressive self". That may be easier for her to hear and do. And once the child is past the parroting stage she likely wont pick it up from Grandma more than from other kids. My Dad swears like a sailor and us kids didn't end up with unusual potty mouths.

Me 40 eat.gif. Partner to mamacolleen 33 superhero.gif. DD born July 2009 blahblah.gif. Twin boys born Nov 2012.

We are a family that loves cold.giftreehugger.giffamilybed1.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

colsxjack is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off