children talking to people about smoking - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 36 Old 11-01-2010, 06:35 PM
 
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OK, so as a smoker, what your daughter did is not offensive. But if you are concerned with her starting to lecture people (we have a child that lectures us) then you can just explain that it isn't prolite to talk to an adult like that, especially when it's something that doesn't concern her.

As for the "disgusting/gross" comment another poster said. I tend to agree that this is going overboard. I think my smoking is disgusting and gross, I don't need a guilt trip from a child to remind of it. Asking politely for me to move farther away or put it out is fine and I would happily oblige, but to be rude is rude regardless of the reason. Rude behavior should be corrected.

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#32 of 36 Old 11-01-2010, 06:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I really like the phrasing about everyone "finding their own path." That resonates well with how we've approached other choices (eating meat or not, etc.). I don't know why I've been having such a hard time finding the right words to speak with her about this. She's always been a pretty logical, reasonable kid, but lately she's gotten really good at arguing to the nth degree and always has a comeback for anything we say. Obviously we put healthy boundaries on this, but it's hard when often she's accurate in her comments, even if her timing is inappropriate!

We've been clear about the fact that a whiff of smoke won't kill them dead, but I think dd is a little paranoid about smoke exposure because ds IS allergic to tobacco. (Nightshade allergy.) So if the neighbor is smoking in her driveway, ds legitimately can't play in his own front yard until she's done and the smoke has dispersed. However, she's not responsible for his allergy and she is on her own property. Sucks, but that's how it goes sometimes. DD was also old enough when MIL quit smoking to understand that MIL quit smoking because she couldn't visit with ds unless she did. The other measures we tried -- her washing up and changing clothes before holding him, always meeting at our house instead of hers -- just weren't working for him. I'm sure in dd's mind, that's translated to "smoking makes her little brother sick, so everyone should just quit." It has a visible effect on his health, and she can see that.

Upon reflection, I don't think she crossed a line with our neighbor this time, but I can see it potentially going that way in future conversations, and we're going to have a chat about people taking their own paths and how it's not our responsibility to boss them onto a path we choose for them.
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#33 of 36 Old 11-01-2010, 06:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by earthmama369 View Post
I really like the phrasing about everyone "finding their own path." That resonates well with how we've approached other choices (eating meat or not, etc.). I don't know why I've been having such a hard time finding the right words to speak with her about this. She's always been a pretty logical, reasonable kid, but lately she's gotten really good at arguing to the nth degree and always has a comeback for anything we say. Obviously we put healthy boundaries on this, but it's hard when often she's accurate in her comments, even if her timing is inappropriate!

We've been clear about the fact that a whiff of smoke won't kill them dead, but I think dd is a little paranoid about smoke exposure because ds IS allergic to tobacco. (Nightshade allergy.) So if the neighbor is smoking in her driveway, ds legitimately can't play in his own front yard until she's done and the smoke has dispersed. However, she's not responsible for his allergy and she is on her own property. Sucks, but that's how it goes sometimes. DD was also old enough when MIL quit smoking to understand that MIL quit smoking because she couldn't visit with ds unless she did. The other measures we tried -- her washing up and changing clothes before holding him, always meeting at our house instead of hers -- just weren't working for him. I'm sure in dd's mind, that's translated to "smoking makes her little brother sick, so everyone should just quit." It has a visible effect on his health, and she can see that.

Upon reflection, I don't think she crossed a line with our neighbor this time, but I can see it potentially going that way in future conversations, and we're going to have a chat about people taking their own paths and how it's not our responsibility to boss them onto a path we choose for them.
Don't underestimate your neighbor either. Have you talked to her and explained your ds's allergy. Maybe you two could compromise something that would be acceptable for both parties, maybe she could smoke on the side of her house that is away from yours, or perhaps in the backyard during times that he would normally want to be outside.

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#34 of 36 Old 11-01-2010, 07:52 PM
 
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But your child has no say in what that smoker is doing. Assuming the smoker is in a designated smoking area or in an area that does not prohibit smoking, it's a legal action. You don't have to be happy about it but until cigarettes are outlawed completely, we all just have to deal. Do you actually suggest/encourage your child tell an adult that smoking is not healthy?
No not at all, but if they say something I would not correct them as I don't feel they don't need to be corrected. 5 employees standing directly outside of the grocery store door in a cloud of smoke that I and my child have to walk through on our way out is invading my rights as well. It is one thing to choose to be unhealthy and quite another to force it on others.

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#35 of 36 Old 11-01-2010, 07:54 PM
 
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If someone is smoking in a non-designated area, you are perfectly within your rights to ask them to stop. If it isn't a non-designated area, but it's REALLY REALLY bothering you, you can always ask politely if they would mind not smoking. The majority would probably stop smoking if asked nicely (I would). But yeah, making comments or encouraging comments of "that's gross" is pretty rude.

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#36 of 36 Old 11-01-2010, 08:33 PM
 
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It is not appropriate under any circumstance for my kids to tell anyone what they are doing is wrong, unhealthy, bad or whatever. It is even ruder when adults do it. I teach my kids if they do not want to be around cigarette smoke they may excuse themselves to go somewhere else. Unless someone is smoking in a designated non smoking area, then I would politely ask them to if they would step further away.

people do lots of things I do not like. smoking cigarettes (this actually no longer really bothers me in small doses), wearing some perfumes, not wearing deodorant, swearing, wearing inappropriate clothing, being drunk, carting around buckets of soda etc. none of it is really my business and if I don't like it we just avoid that person.

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