Free range parenting in someone else's house (update, my mom cut dd's hair) - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 71 Old 11-13-2010, 11:18 AM
 
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I find cutting someone else's child's hair without permission to be absolutely inappropriate. And I agree that at this point it's time to get out of there asap, because your kids are not old enough to be able to distance themselves. um, I would freak if my partner, and the father of my kids, wasn't allowed to be in my parents' front yard without them present. it's the front yard, what are you going to do? I can see why not in the house, but the yard?



I can't. She's a grown woman, with children. This is all entirely nonsensical, and nothing more than manipulative and controlling. Could her parents reasonably put their foot down about the boyfriend spending the night? Yea, they could. It seems silly to me, but it's how some people feel. But..... the front yard?! Or the living room, with the kids around? Geez. 



People draw the line different places. there was a time when I wasn't allowed to be alone with my BF in my mother's house or even in a room alone with him while other people were home, and she isn't deeply religious or anything. and I wouldn't count young kids as chaperons, too easy to have them in another room, so while I think it's over the top, and somewhat controlling, it wouldn't be as huge a deal. but him not being allowed in the yard is way over the top for me. 


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#62 of 71 Old 11-13-2010, 02:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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well, he's coming over tonight for dinner and to help me unpack some boxes and just generally hang out with the kids and I, so we'll see how that goes.


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#63 of 71 Old 11-15-2010, 11:15 AM
 
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will your mom be there?  This is just craziness.  What will she do when you guys are married?   

 

Honestly, Christmas is coming, is there anyway you can pick up a second job, beg your friends to watch you kids and just pay your lawyer so you can move on, get out and find some peace?  I know it sucks working while your babies are little but I do not see this going well for anyone.  90 days of working your butt off is something everyone will recover from and you could easily make enough money at a seasonal job to cover legal expenses.  but for goodness sakes whatever you do do not leave them alone with your mother.


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#64 of 71 Old 11-15-2010, 06:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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grrrr I had a whole post i reply and it disappeared, but yes we are trying to make my stay as short as possible. There are somany layers to this situation it is really hard to give the whole picture.

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will your mom be there?  This is just craziness.  What will she do when you guys are married?   

 

Honestly, Christmas is coming, is there anyway you can pick up a second job, beg your friends to watch you kids and just pay your lawyer so you can move on, get out and find some peace?  I know it sucks working while your babies are little but I do not see this going well for anyone.  90 days of working your butt off is something everyone will recover from and you could easily make enough money at a seasonal job to cover legal expenses.  but for goodness sakes whatever you do do not leave them alone with your mother.




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#65 of 71 Old 11-17-2010, 06:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so you guys are my sounding board of sanity. :lol so I just want some affirmation that it was sort of weird that my mom brought my dad with her to go shopping for underwear for ME, right? Only reason I know is because she came home with a bag full of granny panties and goes, "your dad looked all over the place trying to help me find what we though was your size." Uh, wha? That sort of strikes me a little oddly, or am I just hyper sensitive because of things that have happened in the past?

 

I know the stuff i post probably seems crystal clear to you guys, but I'm telling you I agonize over these things so much. Yesterday my mom flat out lied saying that she hadn't said something that i KNOW she said, I'm 100% positive that I heard it, and I very politely said, "I can continue this conversation when you are able to be honest with me like I am with you and went in my room." She didnt' say anything TO me but did go off on a tirade at my dad about how horrible I am loudly enough that i would hear and feel guilty.

 

Can I just get some affirmation that families are not supposed to be built quite like this? Or if I'm overreacting, please tell me!


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#66 of 71 Old 11-17-2010, 07:21 PM
 
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I guess your mom taking your dad is no more weird than your mom shopping for your undies in the first place.   No one shops for my unders but me.

 

 

As for the rest of it.  You mom sounds crazy.  Kinda like my mom.  I deal with by not living with her and loving her from a distance.


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#67 of 71 Old 11-17-2010, 07:47 PM
 
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so you guys are my sounding board of sanity. :lol so I just want some affirmation that it was sort of weird that my mom brought my dad with her to go shopping for underwear for ME, right? Only reason I know is because she came home with a bag full of granny panties and goes, "your dad looked all over the place trying to help me find what we though was your size." Uh, wha? That sort of strikes me a little oddly, or am I just hyper sensitive because of things that have happened in the past?

 

I know the stuff i post probably seems crystal clear to you guys, but I'm telling you I agonize over these things so much. Yesterday my mom flat out lied saying that she hadn't said something that i KNOW she said, I'm 100% positive that I heard it, and I very politely said, "I can continue this conversation when you are able to be honest with me like I am with you and went in my room." She didnt' say anything TO me but did go off on a tirade at my dad about how horrible I am loudly enough that i would hear and feel guilty.

 

Can I just get some affirmation that families are not supposed to be built quite like this? Or if I'm overreacting, please tell me!


Your mom shopping for your underwear is wacky - I can't decide if it's any more strange that she took your dad with her, but it wouldn't go over well with me.

 

No - families are not supposed to be built like this...not even a little bit. I hope you can find a way out of there soon, and honestly...don't even think of her home as an option again. She's incredibly toxic.


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#68 of 71 Old 11-17-2010, 07:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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that's how I am. She said she thought that she was being helpful because I had mentioned not having enough when I needed to do wash late one night, by way of explanation. I told her in the future if she wants to help me out in that way the best way would be to give me the money or a gift card to whatever store and then I can shop in peace. Now THAT would be a truly appreciated gesture. But that will never happen, because that would be a selfless gift without any real gratification for her and my mom buying me underwear was for her, not for me, so that SHE could have the control and the fun of doing it. oh and I gave them all back to her to take back to the store. I just can't stomach the idea of my dad being involved in something so intimate, and then being intimate in the future with my SO....ewwwww.


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#69 of 71 Old 11-17-2010, 08:23 PM
 
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If your mom lived several states away, or didn't have the extra room for you guys, or wasn't willing to house you, or just *poof* disappeared, what would your next plan be? 'Cause I think that if I were you I would condition myself to not view her house as an option. If she wasn't there providing a place for you, you'd figure something else out -- what would that something else be? 


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#70 of 71 Old 11-17-2010, 08:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sure if that were the case SO and I would have continued to live together rather than us be on the street. He was against it at first and he does miss the kids but he says its important to him as it is to me for us to try and get a fresh start the "right" way (and I don't mean that in a judgemental way since I know marriage is not important to everyone).

 

He just got hired yesterday, and started today, at a new electrical job during the day. He is hoping it becomes full time soon so that he can quit his other job at night...there is no way he can realistically work 11-6 at one job and 8-6 at the other job 5-6 days a week. But the money will help us to move a little faster.

 

The only thing is that he doesn't feel like he should have to pay for my divorce. I kind of understand where he is coming from. He has already paid for ds' preschool on top of the regular expenses, and he wasn't really that gung ho about preschool but went along with it since he generally defers to me about the kids' needs. I had promised to pay for preschool and the car payment while he handled the rest but then I was short several times so he picked up my slack. So he feels that he shouldn't have to pay the $250 for my divorce on top of everything else. my mom said "if he wanted you that bad he would pay for it." and I see her point too but geez how much can you expect from one person with a minimum wage-ish job? he already had to drop his classes because school cut into his ability to work and generate income.

 

so...it's on me to come up with the $250 on top of my other bills, while not leaving my dc in childcare (because I can't afford anyone other than my mom, and I can't leave them with my mom very much), and on top of already working one job.


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#71 of 71 Old 11-18-2010, 06:13 AM
 
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honestly I agree with your mom here.  He is going to be your husband.  He needs to accept you and your debt and baggage and all of it.  $250 is just not that much money to share with your wife.  No he should not have to pay for your divorce.  It should have been done a long time ago etc etc but this is the reality of the situation.  If he wants to marry you and such he needs to help in whatever way he can to move that along and in your situation and at this time that means he needs to just cough it up and get it done. Also have you checked into child care assistance through the state?  It sounds like you just need to plan on getting a job.  And I agree your mom is not the person to be watching them.  3 to six months is all it would take to dig yourself out.

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