If she doesn't pick up her daughter by 10:30 PM my husband wants to call the police! CRAZY 2011 update - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 163 Old 11-16-2010, 10:03 AM
 
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wow, OP so nice of you to try and help her find help after all that.


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#62 of 163 Old 11-16-2010, 10:57 AM
 
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I would let a week or so go by then tell her you are still mad that she used you like that.  If you feel like she really needs parenting help, I'd find her some, then back away for a while.  

 

Why on earth didn't she just say "If I don't get away from her, I'm going to lose my mind".  ??  We all feel that way.

 

Do you think something else is going on?  Like perhaps she wasn't actually at a movie and "other things"?  I'm  thinking of some illicit sex encounter that she is ashamed of and didn't want to tell you about... but, once she was there, she didn't want to leave either.  If that's the case, I wouldn't tell you the TRUTH, but I'd come up with something better than her dumb stories.  

 

Clearly, she didn't expect to be gone for so long, or she would have packed better and told you more information.  She shouldn't have let you be stressed out for so many hours worrying about her.  Even halfway through the thread I was imagining her being held hostage somewhere or worse.  I hate when people make me worry.

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#63 of 163 Old 11-16-2010, 11:07 AM
 
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I wouldn't call CPS unless I thought she'd like dumped her baby off so she could run out and do drugs or something.  But stress and special needs, I'd sit down with her and help her research what resources are available to her.



Well, she lied about what she was doing, and refused to make voice calls or accurate texts which might have given indication as to where she was.   She KNEW that she was dumping off her kid for a "break" and so to continue the lie she didn't bring a pack of supplies just in case.  Then she lied when she came back until the truth sort of came out (I'm unclear as to if she actually ADMITTED she just wanted a break or if OP read between the lines).  How does anyone know that she wasn't "running out to do drugs or something"?  Nobody does.  It's not always super obvious.

 

That's the problem with lying.  You don't know where it stops.  Maybe she went out for a dinner and a movie, maybe she decided to go meet someone from Craigslist, maybe she decided to go smoke a joint and wait for awhile for the buzz to go down, maybe she went back home and slept for 7 hours for the first time in 2 years.  The thing is, if someone is that desparate to not only lie to a caregiver about time she was going to be gone but also didn't even provide enough diapers for her kid (no one would have looked askance at extra diapers--"just in case" or "whoa, I stuffed some extras in there, didn't know there was some on the bottom"), to me they are veering off into dangerous territory and showing that they are not in a mentally safe place.  This person lucked out by picking gbailey.  But they still took a HUGE risk.  And I don't think that it's fair to ask that gbailey should take full responsibility for it either (which is what hush hush don't tell is asking someone to do).  Maybe she doesn't call CPS, but I think it's important that she does call in other community groups to help. 

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#64 of 163 Old 11-16-2010, 11:08 AM
 
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Although I am angry with her I think she is at the end of her rope which is why I am online finding some community resources that may be able to help her. My husband votes for CPS. My vote is to offer her something that may be able to help her and does not  involve me watching her daughter. There were so many better ways for her to express needing some help other than pulling this b.s. I'm doing this more for her daughter but for her too. Maybe I'm a sucker but I can deal with that if it helps her.

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hug.gif

 

I am glad the mom is Ok.  It sounds like she handled things really poorly - which makes me wonder if she was just at the end of her rope or a total narcissist. 


 


This is a frustrating situation to be in, but I think that if you are able to salvage the relationship you should give it a chance.  It sounds like this was a one time thing and not a pattern.  I have a friend who asks me to watch her son a few times a year and she is always a lot later than she says she will be when I do so, she is chronically late for everything so it isn't a surprise and it has never been a problem, she gets distracted by things and wrapped up in one thing then another and the time just flies.  I can see going out for a little break then staying longer than you thought you would.  I did that once with my dd when my mom was watching her, though I did call to make sure my mom was okay with it.  I really was at the end of my sanity, I was a single mom, dealing with a divorce, burnt out on tantrums and always having to be patient.  I am so glad my mom was there for me to be a support and even though my friend is chronically late I am happy to be her support because she is also a great mom, a really good friend, and reciprocates with child watching favors.  If I thought she was abusive or neglectful I would report her in an instant because I really think children should be set above friendship.  I think being late to pick up your child can be inconsiderate and annoying if they aren't expecting it and you haven't been upfront about what you are going to do, but it isn't abusive.  I have never cared enough about the lateness to say anything, if you do you should address it from that angle and tell her you need her to be there to get her child when she says she will be.  I think the lying wasn't a good thing, but it sounds like she is acting in ways that aren't characteristic right now and I think that your approach of giving her support is a generous one that a friend makes to a friend.  I think you should tell her you were hurt that she lied to you and that you hope she views you as a friend she can talk to honestly. 

 

She may feel like she really can't share her feelings with others because she is the only mom who has these feelings.  Sharing some of your negative feelings about motherhood may help her branch out of feeling like she has to always be a certain way.  It really helped me when I found out I wasn't the only one who had a kid throwing fits at four, or the only one still burnt out by that, my friends have also told me that they feel better knowing that I am dealing with the same struggles they are at other stages because I seem to be so patient and together.  Sharing negative feelings shouldn't be something that always consumes your friendship, but it is nice to know that you aren't the only one who has them and I think that it can make a friendship nicer.

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#65 of 163 Old 11-16-2010, 11:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the great replies. I want to be make it clear, my husband doesn't want to call CPS because he's mad. Yes, he's mad  but he wants to call CPS because  he feels her actions make her a neglectful mother! I've asked him to cool his heels until the end of the week and reminded him that I don't believe CPS would take the matter seriously anyway. We're in NY and what she did isn't high on the list of what they consider neglectful.

 

My feeling is if she trusted that her daughter would be okay with me she should have trusted me to have asked me to keep her overnight. I'm not sure I believe her story or that she doesn't do this to other people she knows but I'll never know whether she does or doesn't. I have found some great resources for her. I will give her what I found and  remind her that it's okay to ask for help if she needs it. I won't watch her DD again though. I can feel compassion for what she may be going through but I don't understand not calling back once I've said it's urgent. I can't care for a child without feeling confident the mom will call back if there was an emergency.

 

By handling this situation in the way that she did, she really messed up any chance of being able to count on me for giving her a break in the future. It's not okay for her to be able to count on me but not me being able to count on her.

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#66 of 163 Old 11-16-2010, 11:21 AM
 
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I am going to vote CPS because if she does have a special needs child they can help her get services.  

 

I would have also called sooner, but I had a friend in an accident and the call to police help cordonated what need to happen.

 

Also, I would worry about child abuse or neglect. Many people don't want to be involved or make excuses.  I do not doubt this is the first time she did this.  Nor the last.  

 

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Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

Although I am angry with her I think she is at the end of her rope which is why I am online finding some community resources that may be able to help her. My husband votes for CPS. My vote is to offer her something that may be able to help her and does not  involve me watching her daughter. There were so many better ways for her to express needing some help other than pulling this b.s. I'm doing this more for her daughter but for her too. Maybe I'm a sucker but I can deal with that if it helps her.


 
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#67 of 163 Old 11-16-2010, 11:31 AM
 
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Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

Thanks for the great replies. I want to be make it clear, my husband doesn't want to call CPS because he's mad. Yes, he's mad  but he wants to call CPS because  he feels her actions make her a neglectful mother! 


I know.  I think early on in thread you seemed quite angry and frantic (understandable) - so it may have come across as you were thinking of calling because you were ticked, and also because you were unsure when an appropriate time to call was/is.

 

Reading the whole thread, though, it is quite clear that while you and your DH are mad, the struggle you are having is whether to call CPS now because what she did makes her an unfit mother.

 

I might hold off on calling until after you have had a chance to talk to her.  Does she want help and is she open to contacting resources herself?  If she is open to change, and know what she did was horrible, I would not call CPS.  If she is in denial or seems to think it is OK to dump a child on a strong acquitance for 9 hours, I might make the call.

 

The cynic in me doubts CPS is going to care - they will think she left her in a responsible adults care (true). Being a user does not make one unfit (although repeatedly leaving your children with strangers, if you find out she does this, might).

 

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#68 of 163 Old 11-16-2010, 11:32 AM
 
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Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

Thanks for the great replies. I want to be make it clear, my husband doesn't want to call CPS because he's mad. Yes, he's mad  but he wants to call CPS because  he feels her actions make her a neglectful mother! I've asked him to cool his heels until the end of the week and reminded him that I don't believe CPS would take the matter seriously anyway. We're in NY and what she did isn't high on the list of what they consider neglectful.

 

My feeling is if she trusted that her daughter would be okay with me she should have trusted me to have asked me to keep her overnight. I'm not sure I believe her story or that she doesn't do this to other people she knows but I'll never know whether she does or doesn't. I have found some great resources for her. I will give her what I found and  remind her that it's okay to ask for help if she needs it. I won't watch her DD again though. I can feel compassion for what she may be going through but I don't understand not calling back once I've said it's urgent. I can't care for a child without feeling confident the mom will call back if there was an emergency.

 

By handling this situation in the way that she did, she really messed up any chance of being able to count on me for giving her a break in the future. It's not okay for her to be able to count on me but not me being able to count on her.


I agree with everything you've said.  I can see why she chose you to leave her DD with...you seem very rational & responsible.  Very unfortunate that she chose to take advantage rather than respectfully request help.  I really think CPS would roll their eyes and hang up the phone.  We don't like to think about it, but there are children out there being horrifically abused and neglected.  Not "late to pick up for babysitting" neglected- starving and sitting in their dirty diapers for days neglected.  This child is normally cared for well, there's really no evidence (yes, tons of speculation and conjecture, even I wonder if mom is on drugs or something, but no hard evidence) that she's done anything illegal or that CPS needs to check it out.  I also have a child with SN who has similar behaviors to the throwing and hitting when she gets tired or upset and it does take a lot of patience...I can't imagine myself doing anything remotely like this but I don't think it's CPS worthy if it's the only instance of less than stellar parenting you're aware of.


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#69 of 163 Old 11-16-2010, 11:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

Thanks for the great replies. I want to be make it clear, my husband doesn't want to call CPS because he's mad. Yes, he's mad  but he wants to call CPS because  he feels her actions make her a neglectful mother! 


I know.  I think early on in thread you seemed quite angry and frantic (understandable) - so it may have come across as you were thinking of calling because you were ticked, and also because you were unsure when an appropriate time to call was/is.

 

Reading the whole thread, though, it is quite clear that while you and your DH are mad, the struggle you are having is whether to call CPS now because what she did makes her an unfit mother.

 

I might hold off on calling until after you have had a chance to talk to her.  Does she want help and is she open to contacting resources herself?  If she is open to change, and know what she did was horrible, I would not call CPS.  If she is in denial or seems to think it is OK to dump a child on a strong acquitance for 9 hours, I might make the call.

 

The cynic in me doubts CPS is going to care - they will think she left her in a responsible adults care (true). Being a user does not make one unfit (although repeatedly leaving your children with strangers, if you find out she does this, might).

 


The cynic in me agrees with you. I don't think CPS would do a thing and truthfully all DH has is, "she never called to check in,came hours late and lied." While all of that is bad, it's not I think CPS would think is grounds for an investigation. Let's hope she receives the resource information well.

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#70 of 163 Old 11-16-2010, 02:26 PM
 
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I don't know if this feels too intrusive, but I wonder if you know who the pedi the mom uses is, perhaps a call to the office saying that you have a concern? Thee may be a caring nurse practitioner or physician with a relationship to mom/child, and perhaps that would be a way for someone to assess and offer some real support.  I don't know if I missed what the SN's are with the child, but my guess is that this might heighten the sense that the family needs support.

 

The child is very fortunate to have been with you, but still, mom showed extremely poor judgement.  

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#71 of 163 Old 11-16-2010, 02:41 PM
 
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My son was in daycare for a couple years, and their policy was that if you were more than 30 minutes late picking your child up they called CPS because you had essentially abandoned your child. I always thought it was a bit excessive, but in hindsight it certainly ensured nobody took advantage of them. nod.gif

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#72 of 163 Old 11-16-2010, 03:01 PM
 
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My son was in daycare for a couple years, and their policy was that if you were more than 30 minutes late picking your child up they called CPS because you had essentially abandoned your child. I always thought it was a bit excessive, but in hindsight it certainly ensured nobody took advantage of them. nod.gif



I worked at a daycare center in the 80s that had to do that ALL. THE. TIME.  I was amazed at how many people would just show up hours after the daycare closed and be surprised that they had to go find them at the police station.  (this was years before cell phones)  Usually it was just a miscommunication between mom and dad... then they'd both show up at home for a nice dinner and then realize nobody picked up the kids.   Occasionally it was an alcohol related incident.  Fortunately it was never a car accident on the way home.

 

How'd we ever live without cell phones?

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While I completely agree that she needs some outside help and community resources, I think overall she's selfish and immature.

 

She had no way of knowing for absolute sure that her child would even be there when she got back. The OP could have called CPS, she could have loaded the child in the car and dropped her off at the police station, she could have had prior evening engagements and took the child along. But the fact is, the mother didn't give a hoot.

She texted because she didn't have the nerve to call, then she shut her phone off.

 

While there's nothing in the world wrong with calling your friend/relative and saying "OMG, if I don't get out of here, away from this child I'm going to lose it completely" then dropping the said child off with a loaded bag of supplies and a big thank you so much, there is something wrong with lying and abandonment.

 

I would call CPS. Not to report the fact that she abandoned her child, but that she needs immediate help/resourses for herself and her child. And I'd tell her I'm doing it so she's not surprised.

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#74 of 163 Old 11-16-2010, 03:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Organique Gal View Post

My son was in daycare for a couple years, and their policy was that if you were more than 30 minutes late picking your child up they called CPS because you had essentially abandoned your child. I always thought it was a bit excessive, but in hindsight it certainly ensured nobody took advantage of them. nod.gif



I worked at a daycare center in the 80s that had to do that ALL. THE. TIME.  I was amazed at how many people would just show up hours after the daycare closed and be surprised that they had to go find them at the police station.  (this was years before cell phones)  Usually it was just a miscommunication between mom and dad... then they'd both show up at home for a nice dinner and then realize nobody picked up the kids.   Occasionally it was an alcohol related incident.  Fortunately it was never a car accident on the way home.

 

How'd we ever live without cell phones?


Well... There was a time when people actually communicated and made sure everyone understood what they were meant to do and had it written down if they thought they might forget...

 

I do think only giving 30 minutes before calling in CPS because of abandonment is excessive. CPS has to much to do all ready, they don't need some school official calling in a bogus abandonment claims.


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#75 of 163 Old 11-17-2010, 02:06 PM
 
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You have to draw the line somewhere or people end up staying late after work to babysit for free.   My mom was one that was always late and never called, even though our family had car phones pretty early on.  In retrospect, I actually wish the schools would have had that policy.  Maybe ending up in the police station would have shown her that other adults viewed what she was doing as wrong or at least been embarrassing enough to manage her time better.  Instead I have plenty of memories of standing on curbs feeling very alone, trying not to cry as every other child was picked up and I stood there wondering if my mom forgot me (it was normally a more punctual nanny or a relative instead, luckily).  The only good I can say that came out of that experience is that I'm always early when it comes to picking up my kids, even though I'm usually a bit late for everything else!


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You have to draw the line somewhere or people end up staying late after work to babysit for free.   My mom was one that was always late and never called, even though our family had car phones pretty early on.  In retrospect, I actually wish the schools would have had that policy.  Maybe ending up in the police station would have shown her that other adults viewed what she was doing as wrong or at least been embarrassing enough to manage her time better.  Instead I have plenty of memories of standing on curbs feeling very alone, trying not to cry as every other child was picked up and I stood there wondering if my mom forgot me (it was normally a more punctual nanny or a relative instead, luckily).  The only good I can say that came out of that experience is that I'm always early when it comes to picking up my kids, even though I'm usually a bit late for everything else!



There are  other ways to do that without putting more burden on an all ready over burdened system. CPS has to investigate every claim. Even the ones that come off as bogus. Around here most day cares make it clear that what you pay for initially is not an unlimited number of daycare hours and if you are late picking your child up, you will be charged for the extra time. Parents would rather be on time then pay extra.


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#77 of 163 Old 11-17-2010, 04:06 PM
 
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Abandoning your children when you know a facility is closing is not bogus.

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Abandoning your children when you know a facility is closing is not bogus.



Calling it abandonment because the parent in 30 minutes late is bogus. For all you know said parent left work with enough time to arrive before closing but got stuck in a massive traffic jam because of an accident. Or they were in the accident. Really, how would it feel to be told "Sorry you were stuck in traffic but we call the cops on you because you were 30 minutes late" or "Sorry you wife died in a car accident, but we called CPS because she didn't pick the kids up on time".


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#79 of 163 Old 11-17-2010, 04:20 PM
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You have to draw the line somewhere or people end up staying late after work to babysit for free.



Most daycares around here charge a per-minute fee for being late.


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#80 of 163 Old 11-17-2010, 05:28 PM
 
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You're assuming the daycare people are robots with no mercy. Of course they are going to try calling the parents and trying to reach their back up people first... But I do think that in the context of this thread, the OP had every right to call the police and/or CPS.

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You're assuming the daycare people are robots with no mercy. Of course they are going to try calling the parents and trying to reach their back up people first... But I do think that in the context of this thread, the OP had every right to call the police and/or CPS.



Yeah but the OP's friend was 7 hours late. Not 30 minutes. 30 minutes doesn't warrant a call to the authorities.


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#82 of 163 Old 11-17-2010, 06:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Organique Gal View Post

Abandoning your children when you know a facility is closing is not bogus.



Calling it abandonment because the parent in 30 minutes late is bogus. For all you know said parent left work with enough time to arrive before closing but got stuck in a massive traffic jam because of an accident. Or they were in the accident. Really, how would it feel to be told "Sorry you were stuck in traffic but we call the cops on you because you were 30 minutes late" or "Sorry you wife died in a car accident, but we called CPS because she didn't pick the kids up on time".



 



Quote:
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You're assuming the daycare people are robots with no mercy. Of course they are going to try calling the parents and trying to reach their back up people first... But I do think that in the context of this thread, the OP had every right to call the police and/or CPS.



 



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Quote:
Originally Posted by Organique Gal View Post

You're assuming the daycare people are robots with no mercy. Of course they are going to try calling the parents and trying to reach their back up people first... But I do think that in the context of this thread, the OP had every right to call the police and/or CPS.



Yeah but the OP's friend was 7 hours late. Not 30 minutes. 30 minutes doesn't warrant a call to the authorities.


There is a difference though in being late to pick up a kid from a friends house and being late to pick up a kid from school or day care. I've taught in daycare situations and had to be the one to call CPS. Mom was out with her friends and simply didn't want to pick up her daughter. That's not OK. Ever. I also was a teacher at school who ended up staying for three hours after school ended, because the baby sitter mom had hired to care for her son didn't show up, and didn't answer the phone. We called mom and dad and grandma several times trying to find someone who could take custody of the student. Finally my principal got involved and left a very curt message saying that if we didn't hear back within ten minutes the police would be called. Guess who we heard from right away? You guessed it. Mom! Who really couldn't understand why we were so unhappy to have stayed three hours after school watching her son. And PS....I was supposed to take my own son to a dr's appointment that day and had to cancel because I was stuck at school with a student for an extra three hours.

Daycare teachers often have their own kids that they need to go pick up, or get home to. Like it or not, when you put a child in daycare, you agree to abide by their hours. It's the same as any other business. You can't insist that a store or restaurant continue to provide service after hours, so why a daycare? It sucks that there are people in the world who don't "get" that the kid needs to come first, and part of growing up and being a parent is learning to put your child's needs ahead of yours, but these people are who they are.
It's really not fair or responsible for anyone in this position, paid or unpaid, to be taken advantage of like that. As far as the car accident scenario, one parent is stuck in traffic, or on their way to the hospital, that is why you have more than one person listed on the blue card who is ok to pick up your kid in an emergency. It's not like teachers watch the clock and then call CPS right away. We all certainly try very hard to find a friend or family member to take the child so that the police and cps don't have to get involved.


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#83 of 163 Old 11-18-2010, 12:15 AM
 
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I've only read the first page of responses to your original post.  But the thought did cross my mind whether it was related to her feeling stressed and needing some time away.  Completely understandable, we all need that at times.  Her error and it's a big one, was not communicating that to you and your husband.

 

Sometimes when our stress levels are so high, the ability to think rationally and responsibly is almost non-existent.  I'm not condoning what she did and it was obviously incredibly frustrating for both you and your partner, but I do feel for her too, she's obviously struggling.  And I think that it's wonderful that you are helping her further by exploring the resources that are possibly available for her ( I read a little more of the thread).

 

Peace

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#84 of 163 Old 11-18-2010, 01:49 AM
 
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I wonder if this mom is begging for some kind of intervention. Maybe on some level she would like for CPS or inpatient psychiatry to take over, for that was a pretty desperate move on her part. Like someone else mentioned, either she's an extreme narcissist or incredibly depressed and overwhelmed. If she's depressed, hopefully it hasn't reached the point of suicidal ideation. She effectively abandoned her kid, so something major is going on and can't be ignored.

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#85 of 163 Old 11-18-2010, 02:02 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mekat View Post

I'm the mother of a special needs child and have an ex that got addicted to crack cocaine.  It started off with stress, then depression and then seeking mental help.  When the mental health system didn't help him fast enough he tried drugs.  Money would go missing, he would disappear without notice for hours on end even when he was supposed to home to watch ds so I could work, he had new friends but wouldn't tell me anything about them etc...   Honestly this story is bringing back memories of my marriage a few months before I kicked him out and hired an attorney to get total custody and decision making over my child's care.  I'm not saying that is what happening in this case but if your husband's instincts are screaming at him I think you both owe it to the little girl to let someone know and investigate. 

 

I'm sorry but I just don't find her actions to be of a mother thinking clearly; either her thinking is muddled by stress and mental issues that can result or her thinking may be impaired by some substance but something is seriously impairing her judgment and that alone is reason enough to have her investigated.  Please remember one thing if it is substance abuse addicts are excellent liars.  Even to the day I kicked my ex out, he was still coming up with excuse after excuse after excuse of how this was my fault and our four year old's fault basically everybody under the sun was to blame but him.  I didn't know at the time he was an addict, I found out a few months later after I kicked him out.  The only thing I knew for sure at that point in time was that he was mentally unbalanced, putting my son in danger and a liar.  I knew he was lying I just didn't know what the truth was and he refused to speak the truth, just told me what ever he thought I wanted to hear and if I confronted him with his behavior it only kicked off a new round of excuses and blaming everybody but himself. 


I would go w/ this post. It's not something you want to believe is true, but it's very possible. For the sake of the child, I would call authorities.

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#86 of 163 Old 11-18-2010, 11:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I met with the mom this morning and honestly,I think she needs an intervention. Truthfully, I don't feel comfortable calling CPS but feel like I have to call somebody or do something. The mom needs some help and her sweet DD needs some resources to assist her in whatever her issues are. Originally the mom was supposed to be taking her to a special Pre K program for kids with SN but she is convinced nothing is wrong with her child. Anyhoo, we met at the park.I suggested the park because they are doing work in our building and the noise will cause her DD to freak out. Her DD left a book at our place and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to return it and chat with the mom a bit.

 

The park is pretty empty in the morning and the noises that usually bother her wouldn't be an issue. We pushed the kids on the swing and I brought up what happened the other night. She said she was sorry but really needed a break and repeated the same thing she told us when she picked up her daughter. I reminded her that it's okay to ask for help and if she trusts her DD with me she could have just told me she needed me to keep her over night. Her attitude was very shrug the shoulders, whatever kind of thing. The swing my daughter was on started to squeak and her daughter stuck her fingers in her ear and started to cry. I told her we could sit on the bench if the noise was bothering her. She said her daughter would be fine and she needs to get used to hearing noises. I told her I was tired of pushing anyway and DD needed a snack and I brought enough for her DD if she was okay with them sharing. She complained that she has been keeping her too sheltered by not going places because she fears a tantrum. They went to Chuck E. Cheese and for two hours she stuck her fingers in her ear and cried until they left. Why she subjected the child and the other party goers to that I have no idea. She took her to a Yo Gabba Dabba live show and she said her daughter stuck her fingers in her ears and screamed the entire time. I asked her what the hearing doc said about it. The doctor told her the hearing test was fine but suspect a sensory issue and recommended she follow up with the surgeon who performed the daughters surgery for hydrocephalus and follow up with the primary ped.She hasn't done this yet. She's tired of people assuming something is wrong with her daughter because she is speech delayed. The sticking the fingers in the ear and screaming is a habit, flapping of the arms when she's excited it just a habit, taking off her diaper and playing and smearing feces all over herself is just a habit. There are things I've witnessed myself about her DD that would require more resources than just the mom and the speech pathologist but I've minded my own business. I know I have no idea what the mom is going thorugh. I also am not an expert.

 

Her DD tried to take a cracker from my DD and the mom apologized profusely. I told her it was no big deal and offered her DD some more crackers. She went on and on about being embarassed about it. I really don't want to go into details about the rest of the visit because it's depressing.The only thing I will say is her daughter needs help and I believe the mother may be mentally ill. Whether it's something she's been suffering through for years I have no idea but I believe her daughter needs help and so does she.

 

Is there anyway I can help the mother other than calling CPS? She seems lost and like another poster mentioned, I think she wants someone to intervene.

 

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#87 of 163 Old 11-18-2010, 11:59 AM
 
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Unfortunately, I don't think there is any community resource that is able to meet her need except CPS.  No other organization has the legal power to ensure proper action is taken.  It's a tough call, and I can completely understand where you are coming from, because I've been in a similar situation with a friend.  She was/is a little SN herself, and had a son that is slightly SN as well.  She seemed to have a tough time accepting that B (her son) needed help.  She would keep B out in the car until 3am, rationalizling that it was ok since he could sleep in the car.  There ended up being several calls to CPS.  Nothing much came of it except that B ended up in daycare, which IMO helped.  My friend is now doing very well, is engaged, has another child, and B is thriving as well, getting the services he needs.  Even though CPS didn't do much themselves I wonder if getting them called may have let her know that people DO care to make sure that B was safe.  Your friend might need a similar wake-up call.  If she's otherwise a good parent I don't think there is much of a chance that her daughter will get removed, but CPS will probably offer her resources and help that she may not have sought otherwise.  Did you let her know that you do feel that her daughter could use some help? Sometimes that's a tough thing to say to people but hearing it from a friend can make a difference.  She may be angry at first, but she'll cool down and may eventually thank you for saying something. 


Bethany, crunchy Christian mom to Destiny (11) Deanna (9), and Ethan (2)

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#88 of 163 Old 11-18-2010, 11:59 AM
 
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On one hand, my mom had a similar thing happen in a babysitting situation and she DID call the police after the mother was several hours late. They found the child's mother several days later in another state.. she had literally abandoned her child. I think the grandparents got custody.

 

On the other hand, no one showed up to pick me up from school when I was 8 or 9 years old once and someone stayed late at school (the principal I think) to watch me and try to get ahold of my parents. It only happened once and it was because my brother (8 years older than me) was supposed to pick me up but "forgot" because he was hanging out with his girlfriend. Needless to say, my parents were *pissed* (at my brother) and picked me up personally from that point forward.

 

I probably would have called the cops in the original situation. Not sure how I'd react now -- other than trying to get that little girl some help -- but I wouldn't be babysitting for free again!

 

--K

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#89 of 163 Old 11-18-2010, 12:30 PM
 
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It sounds to me like she needs to find a group of strong, open minded mamas who also have special needs kids. She needs to see more people being proactive about their child's needs, rather than ignore it. She needs to see there's nothing to be ashamed about, and people don't think less of her if her child has special needs. I think a lot of times, women who have children with special needs feel like they're being judged negatively b/c of it. Some feel guilt because they didn't do everything perfectly during pregnancy. They see this little part of themselves, that looks like them, smiles like them, and acts like them... and the child may have an IQ below the norm or may not articulate themselves clearly and be perceived as being below average. The mother may internalize this, feeling that she comes across the same way. She in turn tries to protect her child, believing there is nothing wrong with the child because she doesn't want to admit anything might be wrong with her. Being that you suspect the mother has some mental health issues, I'm just assuming this may be the case.

 

Are there any local parenting magazines that include information on local resources? If so, take a look at the most recent issue and find something in the magazine (unrelated to your actual concerns) that you feel may be of interest to the mother (even something as simple as a healthy recipe you try and enjoy). Next time you see her, have the magazine ready to show her. Go on about the advertisements for local events, schools, etc. Point out the advertisements for resources you think will actually benefit her, and get really excited about her checking it out. Follow up with her in a couple days. If you know anybody who used that resource and had great things to say about it, during the follow up is time to bring it up.

 

Good luck!

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#90 of 163 Old 11-19-2010, 10:17 AM
 
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In general, I am not for calling CPS.  However, this mother is in some serious denial and it may be that the only way for her child to get help is for you to call CPS.  Chances are, CPS is going to totally screen out your call and do nothing (I'm a social worker).  But, maybe they won't and maybe it will get her to at least follow up with some of the specialists.  I can almost promise you they aren't going to do anything dramatic, unless there are serious issues that you know nothing about. 

 

A great book for sensory issues that might help her understand what is going on with her DD is The Out of Sync Child.  Maybe you could just say someone you know who has a kid with sensory issues had read it and got some great stuff out of it for her kid (We "know" each other from this thread now, right?)  Poor, poor, baby.  It is so tough on kids to have these special needs and then have their parent not understand them.  Good luck....

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