If she doesn't pick up her daughter by 10:30 PM my husband wants to call the police! CRAZY 2011 update - Page 5 - Mothering Forums
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#121 of 163 Old 12-10-2010, 10:31 AM
 
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I'm curious (and I ask this sincerely, I'm not asking from a negative place) what you think "giving this mom a break" should look like?  I totally agree with you that often CPS does not and can not magically fix things in a family (it takes families years to get to where they are by the time someone calls CPS... no agency or anyone can magically make it all better in a short time or without cooperation from the family).  But in your eyes is giving the mom a break mean not calling CPS?  Or what do you mean when you suggest giving her a break?

 

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#122 of 163 Old 12-10-2010, 11:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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On ACS's website they give a number for you to follow up. I'm not sure how much info they'll give though if I call. I'm assuming it would be more like "the case is open" or " the case is closed" but not exact specifics.

 

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Nothing from the mom but I feel I will hear from her again. When I spoke to ACS they told me  I should have called 911 after getting the text message about wanting to leave her somewhere. She was surprised the police didn't think it was worth going to her place to at least check on her DD. It usually takes 24 hrs. to contact the family but 60 days to do an investigation. I wasgiven a number I can call to follow up but the woman I spoke to suggested waiting a week or two. I hope they get the mom and her DD the services they need.
 



In NYC I would bet ACS has already been to her home - it took them less than 12hours to come to my home after getting called (on something MUCH less serious, and something that should not have been screened in).  ACS may not have been able to get her if she wasn't home, or whatever, but I would bet they already tried.  I'm surprised they gave you a number to follow up though, seems to me that since you are not related you wouldn't be privy to that information (although we don't know yet what they would tell you, I'm curious about that since it seems to me it would be pretty illegal to give private information out to non-family members).

 

In NYC, I'm not at all surprised the police didn't do a wellness check.  It would be nice if they had time for that sort of thing, but I'm not surprised they didn't.



Good point. You know, I have to leave her alone. I'm dealing with my own stuff and issues and I don't want to put myself in the position to always be at her rescue. I have a tendency of going into save the world mode and I can't keep doing it. I would love if she got some help for herself and her little girl but for now I've done what I can do and now the mama has to do what she needs to do for herself and her baby. Great post!

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Sometimes Childrens Aid Society does not respond the way we want, or parents do not respond in positive ways to CPS

 

You may want to spend some time reflecting on what relationship you want with this family if the family dynamics do not change.

 

I called CPS once on a women who I was (and am convinced) desperately needed help.  CPS did very little as far as I can tell.  Nothing about the relationship with this women changed.  She was still always in drama, always in crisis mode, and I was always rescuing her.  It was very draining.

 

CPS does not always magically fix things - figure out how you want to handle her and the situation if you hear from her again.

 



 



 

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#123 of 163 Old 12-10-2010, 03:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by LROM View Post

I'm curious (and I ask this sincerely, I'm not asking from a negative place) what you think "giving this mom a break" should look like?  I totally agree with you that often CPS does not and can not magically fix things in a family (it takes families years to get to where they are by the time someone calls CPS... no agency or anyone can magically make it all better in a short time or without cooperation from the family).  But in your eyes is giving the mom a break mean not calling CPS?  Or what do you mean when you suggest giving her a break?

 

No, I in no way mean that CPS should not have been called. Whenever a child is in danger, it should be reported. I mean that maybe we should stop judging her so much. So many people seemed so astonished by what she did but many parents do much worse things to their children and don't care. She did not abandon her child. It seems to me that she screamed for help the only way she knew how. We don't know how she may have sought help before and gotten nothing. A lot of times you don't get help unless you say you are going to hurt yourself or someone else. She may not have been to a point where she felt like that until just recently after who knows what else she may have tried while in less crisis. KWIM?

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#124 of 163 Old 12-10-2010, 07:28 PM
 
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I called the police last night after I got an alarming text from the mother telling me she was "sick of the da*n child playing in her sh*t" and she wishes she could just drop her off somewhere and leave her there." I called her right away and she didn't answer. I texted her back telling her to bring DD over here with a change of clothes. No response. So I called the precint I know is closest to her place. The response? To call ACS in the morning. Sounded like a mom who just needed a break. *rolling eyes* I call her again and leave her a message telling her she can bring her daughter over here to spend the night. No reponse. I text her and let her know I have no choice but to call ACS if she doesn't respond. Her response, "go ahead and call." I called this morning.



I'm glad you called. I really hope ACS can intervene and get them both some help.

 

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#125 of 163 Old 12-10-2010, 09:00 PM
 
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It sounds like she is burnt out and needs some help, hopefully CPS gives her help rather than more stress.  I have to say though that I would be ticked off if one of my friends responded to me reaching out with my frustration by telling me what to do.  I have never liked to be told what to do and I would find it very insulting if a friend just decided that she had the solution to my frustration and decided to address me as someone who wasn't capable of making a rational decision if things were addressed to me as a choice.  I think the police probably didn't take it very seriously because many parents feel frustrated with their children sometimes, even parents on this board have occasionally felt like they aren't cut out for being a parent and they seek support here (I can't count the number of times I have cried at night or in the car after having a tough day of testing with my dd and feeling like a failure), voicing that feeling and that frustration to a friend doesn't mean you are dangerous and I think that the officer who took the call knew that (maybe even had those same feelings themselves when things were really hard).  Your friend does sound like she needs help, it sounds like she is dealing with a lot from her dd, and hopefully you know her well enough to know if she truly needs help or if she is a basically good mom going through a rough patch and needing more support from someone than friends can give her.  Hopefully you made the right decision and things work out.  If you think that she is mostly immature II think you should prepare your house in case she retaliates with a call of her own about you, her responses to you seem to indicate that she is either immature and views CPS as a threat or something you call when you are mad at a friend (not a serious thing) or that she thinks you freak out easily and CPS has nothing on her aside from having a bad day and running late while her daughter was in a safe place with a trusted friend.  I have heard of cases where people get mad at each other and go back and forth with calls about each other and it would be awful if they decided to look into you just because you have a house that looks like it may have kids living in it.   

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#126 of 163 Old 12-11-2010, 02:27 PM
 
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 Personally, Thank God, that I have a good enough support system that I have never needed to lie or to leave my kids with anyone who is not my family (or best friend).

 

But alot of people arent so lucky. I hope this mum gets help rather then get her chid taken away.

 

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#127 of 163 Old 12-12-2010, 05:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I hear you. Believe me, calling ACS was not taken very lightly.It's something I have never done before and didn't want to do but in her case I felt it was necessary. Hopefully she'll get the help her daughter needs and the help she needs. I'm aware that a friend venting about parenting doesn't mean that a person is dangerous. I vent to my friends as well  but I don't send them texts about being tired of them and wanting to drop them off somewhere and I don't leave my daughter with people under the guise of having a family emergency, never call to check on her and then ignore repeated telephone calls and texts. My call wasn't just about the initial incident I posted about.  I'm comfortable with my decision

 

I'm not concerned about her calling ACS out of retaliation but if that were something she chose to do, we don't need to prepare for anything. 

 

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It sounds like she is burnt out and needs some help, hopefully CPS gives her help rather than more stress.  I have to say though that I would be ticked off if one of my friends responded to me reaching out with my frustration by telling me what to do.  I have never liked to be told what to do and I would find it very insulting if a friend just decided that she had the solution to my frustration and decided to address me as someone who wasn't capable of making a rational decision if things were addressed to me as a choice.  I think the police probably didn't take it very seriously because many parents feel frustrated with their children sometimes, even parents on this board have occasionally felt like they aren't cut out for being a parent and they seek support here (I can't count the number of times I have cried at night or in the car after having a tough day of testing with my dd and feeling like a failure), voicing that feeling and that frustration to a friend doesn't mean you are dangerous and I think that the officer who took the call knew that (maybe even had those same feelings themselves when things were really hard).  Your friend does sound like she needs help, it sounds like she is dealing with a lot from her dd, and hopefully you know her well enough to know if she truly needs help or if she is a basically good mom going through a rough patch and needing more support from someone than friends can give her.  Hopefully you made the right decision and things work out.  If you think that she is mostly immature II think you should prepare your house in case she retaliates with a call of her own about you, her responses to you seem to indicate that she is either immature and views CPS as a threat or something you call when you are mad at a friend (not a serious thing) or that she thinks you freak out easily and CPS has nothing on her aside from having a bad day and running late while her daughter was in a safe place with a trusted friend.  I have heard of cases where people get mad at each other and go back and forth with calls about each other and it would be awful if they decided to look into you just because you have a house that looks like it may have kids living in it.   



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#128 of 163 Old 01-20-2011, 11:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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The mom must have enrolled her DD in a Pre K program because the school called me to let me know the mom hasn't picked up the daughter  and she listed me as the emergency contact!!!! They'd been trying to get in contact with the mom for a half hour and the calls go to voicemail.  I haven't spoken to the mom since we texted the day before I called ACS. Not sure why she would list me as an emergency contact. The school asked if I was able to pick the kiddo up and I told her no I can't get involved and told her I shouldn't be listed as the emergency contact as the mom and I don't have contact with each other. She sighed and seemed exasperated but I told her I was sorry, I couldn't be of more help.

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#129 of 163 Old 01-20-2011, 11:47 AM
 
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#130 of 163 Old 01-20-2011, 11:48 AM
 
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The mom must have enrolled her DD in a Pre K program because the school called me to let me know the mom hasn't picked up the daughter  and she listed me as the emergency contact!!!! They'd been trying to get in contact with the mom for a half hour and the calls go to voicemail.  I haven't spoken to the mom since we texted the day before I called ACS. Not sure why she would list me as an emergency contact. The school asked if I was able to pick the kiddo up and I told her no I can't get involved and told her I shouldn't be listed as the emergency contact as the mom and I don't have contact with each other. She sighed and seemed exasperated but I told her I was sorry, I couldn't be of more help.


greensad.gif Unbelieveable. Poor kid.
 

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#131 of 163 Old 01-20-2011, 11:53 AM
 
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This has got to be the weirdest situation I have ever heard of!  I really don't get it.  (OP, you are not doing anything wrong, you are handling this beautifully, it just strikes me as being totally, completely, crazy)

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#132 of 163 Old 01-20-2011, 12:00 PM
 
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I feel so sorry for that poor baby girl.  bawling.gif

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#133 of 163 Old 01-20-2011, 12:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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For a split second, I was going to ask for the address of the school and go pick her up but I can't be involved in this anymore than I've already been. Apparently, calling ACS must not have helped much if the mom is up to the same old thing. Poor baby.

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#134 of 163 Old 01-20-2011, 12:05 PM
 
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greensad.gif that poor little girl. I feel so bad for her. hug.gif sorry you got mixed up in this situation and I hope that CPS steps in and helps.

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#135 of 163 Old 01-20-2011, 12:09 PM
 
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It sounds like this mom needs a lot more help than any one friend could give her on a casual basis.

 

It breaks my heart to think of that little girl sitting there waiting for her mommy.

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#136 of 163 Old 01-20-2011, 12:43 PM
 
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It can be very difficult to get services that truly help. When I was a young, single parent, the one thing I really needed was regular, free childcare so I could get those breaks. Since I didn't live close to my mother, I didn't have that. I was involved with social services through the WIC, food stamp, medicaid and child support programs and never once was I told there was any kind of free respite care for me or my child. I was already paying for daily childcare while I worked and went to school. I could not afford to pay a babysitter to watch my child some nights or weekends for a few hours on top of that. In addition to that, I didn't know anyone I trusted enough to leave my child with. I tried to get my son into the Head Start program. It was free preschool for underprivileged children. I assumed we were underprivileged since we were poor and eligible to receive all the social services we received. I was told my child was basically too smart for the Head Start program.

 

Even now with my dh in the military I am essentially a single parent for months to a year+ at a time. Because I don't vaccinate I cannot take advantage of the free respite care provided to parents and children of deployed spouses/parents. I don't live close enough to my mom to have her watch my kids. I cannot afford to pay a babysitter on a regular basis to watch my children. Plus, going out isn't something that recharges me. I need to be able to relax at home without interruption or being constantly aware that my children are here and may need me. I don't even get that enough when my dh is home. I don't feel comfortable trading child care with another parent for various reasons. So, I'm kind of stuck. Luckily, I have not gotten to the point where I felt like I was on the verge of doing something horrible but I can see how that could happen if you feel like you have no support.

 

I understand how difficult it can be to never get a break but even if you are on food stamps or something like that it is not the responsibility of taxpayers to pay for you to get a break. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but social safety net programs are in place to provide basic needs - babysitters so parents can have time alone is not a basic need the way food or shelter is.

 

My husband is military too. When he's deployed I have no help at all with our four kids. When he spent a year overseas I spent 4 months without a break then five days of help from family coming in from out of state, then nearly eight months without a break. I would often stay up half the night to have time alone. Like you I'm not able to use respite care because the kids are not vaccinated. I've tried to get a waiver but haven't been able to find one. I've tried to find a babysitter but the only ones who are willing to babysit are either 12 years old (no way could they safely watch four kids) or ask the same as the hourly rate base daycare providers charge. I'd like a break but $5 per hour per child plus an extra $2 per hour for each child in diapers. That's $24 per hour plus the cost of buying a breast pump, bottles, disposable diapers (they will not take kids in cloth diapers), and so on. I tried to trade care with other parents but no one was willing to watch four kids at once. 

 

I know almost all parents want to take breaks at some point but it doesn't always happen.

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#137 of 163 Old 01-20-2011, 01:22 PM
 
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Don't get involved. Stay away from the drama. Mom needs to set up a healthy network with good boundaries as she is obviously overwhelmed. Sometimes people need a wakeup call - don't bail her out of not picking up her DD from school, as it will just enable her to do it again. I'm all for helping our fellow mama out, but when that crosses the line to manipulation or being taken advantage of, sometimes people are better left to their own devices, for better or worse. The DD is at school, not at the local bar. The school is well versed in dealing with these types of situations. A one time event? No problem. Chronic? Intervention time.

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#138 of 163 Old 01-20-2011, 01:53 PM
 
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You did the right thing. By picking up the child, you would be covering the woman's a**. Now she has created a clear situation of abandonment, and that needs to be documented in order for CPS to take notice.

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#139 of 163 Old 01-20-2011, 03:27 PM
 
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Hopefully the school followed through with a call to CPS and reported her, that is the standard for most daycares. I understand that this mother is overwhelmed BUT a)  she is overwhelmed because she won't seek help for child who is quite possibly a special needs child AND b) many mothers get overwhelmed and need a break and don't get one. You can NOT abandon your child because you need a break. You just CAN'T. There are consequences that go hand in hand with that if that's what you decide to do. Not ideal for anyone, especially for the child, but if the mother is brazen enough to not pick up her kid when she knows she supposed to be there, then who's to say that she isn't brazen enough to leave the child at home alone. Mom needs help of the professional kind, and CPS will give her access to that.


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#140 of 163 Old 01-20-2011, 07:33 PM
 
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For a split second, I was going to ask for the address of the school and go pick her up but I can't be involved in this anymore than I've already been. Apparently, calling ACS must not have helped much if the mom is up to the same old thing. Poor baby.



This will get ACS's attention.  Giving a *false* emergency contact, not answering voice calls or voice mails, and being super late to pick up the child?  They CANNOT ignore that, especially since its the second report.

 

You did the right thing.  If it makes you feel better (it always helps me when I'm worried or sad) hold your own children a little closer - for some reason it relaxes me.

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#141 of 163 Old 01-21-2011, 06:50 AM
 
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#142 of 163 Old 01-21-2011, 06:59 AM
 
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For you, OP hug2.gif  hug.gif grouphug.gif


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#143 of 163 Old 01-21-2011, 04:25 PM
 
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Quote:
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For a split second, I was going to ask for the address of the school and go pick her up but I can't be involved in this anymore than I've already been. Apparently, calling ACS must not have helped much if the mom is up to the same old thing. Poor baby.


There's a very good chance the girl is in child protective services custody now. Preschools/daycare don't mess around with this type of stuff, after a certain period of time (30-60 minutes) they're going to either turn the child over to the police or child protective services as abandoned and let the mom make her explanations to them. Unless the mom has a very good, very provable excuse for being late and non-contactable, she's probably not getting out of this easily.


She may not get out of it easily, anyway. I don't think they're going to think much of the mom putting down an emergency contact who wasn't okay with being the contact, yk? That's kind of...over the line, imo.

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#144 of 163 Old 01-22-2011, 01:01 PM
 
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OP if you hear anything else, please let us know.  My heart is really breaking for this little girl... and her mama too.  But I do think you did the right thing again.  Just so sad.

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#145 of 163 Old 01-23-2011, 09:59 PM
 
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That poor child! I'm sorry you were caught in the middle of this. I think you did the right thing, and I hope this will have a happy ending for her child.

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#146 of 163 Old 02-03-2011, 08:41 AM
 
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Just bumping up to see if there was any news. I've been thinking about this poor girl.


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#147 of 163 Old 02-03-2011, 09:25 AM
 
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I just read the thread.

 

OP, have you heard from the mom again?


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#148 of 163 Old 02-04-2011, 02:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I haven't heard anything at all. DH and I were talking about her last night wondering if she's okay and if she picked her up after I got the call from the school.At this point, I hope no news is good news.

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#149 of 163 Old 02-20-2011, 11:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So, I got an email from the mom this morning. The daughter is no longer in her care. She didn't go into great detail about it but I am assuming ACS removed her. She said some things about me,my husband, daughter and her daughter that I won't repeat that were beyond unkind. Any anger towards me and DH I can understand but the things about her DD and my DD were kind of shocking not to mention  hurtful but I know she's not functioning well. Long story short, her DD is not with her and she "kind of wanted to thank" me for making it so the kiddo was taken off of her hands. I'm sad about the entire thing but I hope her DD is okay and I hope the mama gets herself some much needed help.I know she has some problems but I believe  more than ever she may have a severe mental issue. I didn't bother to respond to her email. I deleted it but not before DH insisted I print it out. He thinks she's unstable enough to come knocking on our door in the middle of the night. Honestly, I'm not in the least bit concerned about that. Just hope her DD is with a nice and loving family.

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#150 of 163 Old 02-20-2011, 11:39 AM
 
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Whoah. Just goes to show, you handled this really well, OP. I'm sorry for what you've been through. Hopefully that poor kid will get better care now, and hopefully the mom will get the mental health help she clearly seems to need too. Maybe if she gets well she can be a mom to her child again; this might end up being a good thing for everyone involved.


SAHM to 6.5yo DS and 4yo DD. PCOS with two early m/cs. Married 8 yrs. Certified birth doula, writer, editor.

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