If she doesn't pick up her daughter by 10:30 PM my husband wants to call the police! CRAZY 2011 update - Page 6 - Mothering Forums

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#151 of 163 Old 02-20-2011, 11:42 AM
 
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hug2.gif You did the right thing, I'm so sorry she said unkind things about you and your family.  I hope she doesn't bother you any longer.

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#152 of 163 Old 02-20-2011, 01:03 PM
 
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I'm so sorry she said cruel things about your family. She's obviously not in a good place right now, so try not to let it get to you (easier said than done). You've been very brave and level headed through this whole thing. It's awful that you got tangled up in it!

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#153 of 163 Old 02-21-2011, 12:14 PM
 
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wait, so she was GLAD that the child isn't in her care? Or was that sarcasm? Either way, I'm really sorry she said unkind things about your children.

 

When my mother called CPS on me I said some very unkind things to her (I told she didn't deserve to call herself a mother, and to go find herself new grandchildren, because she will never lay eyes on my children again) and I don't regret a single one of them. But then, everything she told them was a lie, so a very different scenario. still, I can understand that blinding rage this mom might be feeling. No matter how "far gone" she was in terms of her mental health, I'm sure it was still a devastating situation for her. In this case it sounds like she isn't in a position to handle her dd's needs. I hope that a good and understanding worker was assigned to her so that they can help her get what services she needs and get her and her baby reunited quickly.


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#154 of 163 Old 02-22-2011, 11:25 AM
 
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Originally Posted by laohaire View Post

Yes, I'm very surprised and very disappointed the police didn't do a wellness check.

 

I've heard that usually police are happy to do this - just drive by and knock on the door, that sort of thing.

 

I even had a friend do that when she was at work and her husband was not answering the phone at home. Since her husband ALWAYS answered the phone (and she tried for an hour or whatever) she was actually pretty worried. Called the police in the home town and they said no problem - sent an officer over to knock on the door. Husband was fine, the phone apparently was accidentally knocked off the hook. Point is, that was certainly something the police should have been willing to do in that circumstance.

 

At around here, persistence seems to the the key.

 

The police here did a wellness check on my now-husband because he'd moved cross-country out of her house and into mine (to get away from a borderline abusive situation with his parents). He was 18 at the time. Of course he was fine, but they came over, asked to speak to him alone, verified I hadn't kidnapped him or something, and asked him to please call his mother so she would stop calling the police station.

 

There was another situation that occurred with our neighbors when we lived in an apartment complex. The couple had been fighting and the mom went to work. When she got back, she found that her husband had locked the deadbolt, wasn't answering the door, and she could hear her baby crying inside. At first the police just said, "Oh, babies cry," but she persuaded them to knock down the door. "Dad" was passed out drunk and had the baby strapped into his car seat, screaming for God knows how long. (Yes, they split up, and Mom got custody. Thankfully.)

 

--K

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#155 of 163 Old 02-22-2011, 11:48 AM
 
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OP, I'm glad your dh urged you to keep a copy of the email.  Best of luck.


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#156 of 163 Old 02-23-2011, 01:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone for the nice words. I'm not sure if she was being sarcastic or if it's because she's mentally ill.I want to think no person in their right frame of mind would be glad. I hope she has a good caseworker too and that she recognizes she needs help so she can get her DD back. I know CPS isn't kind to all parents but I'm hopeful she'll get a caseworker who wants her to get help so she can better care for her DD.

 

I think she's a good person who will be okay if given the right resources. Part of me wanted to  block her from email but I won't because I hope, whether it's 6 months or a year from now I'll hear from her and she'll tell me that she has her daughter back and things are going well for them. It's just too bad when people don't have the support they really need from their loved ones or when we want to give support to people but are powerless to help them.  

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post

wait, so she was GLAD that the child isn't in her care? Or was that sarcasm? Either way, I'm really sorry she said unkind things about your children.

 

When my mother called CPS on me I said some very unkind things to her (I told she didn't deserve to call herself a mother, and to go find herself new grandchildren, because she will never lay eyes on my children again) and I don't regret a single one of them. But then, everything she told them was a lie, so a very different scenario. still, I can understand that blinding rage this mom might be feeling. No matter how "far gone" she was in terms of her mental health, I'm sure it was still a devastating situation for her. In this case it sounds like she isn't in a position to handle her dd's needs. I hope that a good and understanding worker was assigned to her so that they can help her get what services she needs and get her and her baby reunited quickly.



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#157 of 163 Old 02-23-2011, 05:24 PM
 
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It sounds like she knew she needed a very long break and a lot of help dealing with a very very difficult child who wasn't responding to her mother at all.  I know a few people who don't have their kids anymore and aren't mentally ill, two are very happy to not have their kids and aren't looking to get them back.  Hopefully this mom decides she wants to use the resources available to get her child back, but sadly not all parents feel like being parents after they see how hard it is, especially when their first child is as difficult as this child was described in your previous posts.  I wish mental illness was the reason for this, but sometimes very nice people who seem really good respond really badly to the stress of parenting.  If mental illness was a correct diagnosis for not wanting to be with your child our social security/disability system would be flooded with deadbeat parents.

 

I think you should try to separate yourself from this situation.  If she does have an actual mental illness, which isn't necessarily the case since she really didn't seem to during the years you knew her, it may be even more important to cut the ties because she will probably go through many up and down times with it and you will find yourself dragged deeply into a lot of garbage if you give her the chance to pull you in a little.  It is wonderful that you care about her, but you know this woman is toxic and toxic people can be a huge drain on your life if you let them.  You can easily separate now, but it won't be so easy later if you do let her back in once she seems better then turns out not to be all the way better.  I am currently kicking myself for not cutting contact with a toxic friend when I had the chance because I feel bad about telling her straight out that we need to end the relationship but I also just hate seeing her because it is a huge drain on us.  I wanted to be there for her and her son because she has problems, but they aren't bad enough for anything to be done about them unless she chooses to do something.  I wanted to be a steady influence on her son but instead he makes my dd a nervous wreck.  She doesn't do anything CPS worthy but her and her son are a huge drain on my dd and I even so.  I really encourage you to jump at this chance to block her e-mail and cut her out of your life all together.

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#158 of 163 Old 02-24-2011, 12:48 PM
 
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Just adding my "dittos" to previous posts saying that I hope and pray her daughter is in a good, kind, safe home and getting the help she needs to be healthy and thriving... and I hope mom is in a place to take advantage of whatever supports are offered to her or to find what she needs to feel stable and healthy herself.  If she has mental issues, hopefully this situation will create some space for her to recognize whatever she needs to recognize and get help.

 

It was a crappy, complicated situation to be in - for ALL involved - but thank goodness for people like you who do the brave, right thing even when people are telling you not to and you stand up for a child who potentially (or definitely) needs some outside help.  And your DH was right to insist you print out the email - keep it.  You're probably right, the last thing she probably would do is ring your bell... but it's something you should have documented anyway.


I truly believe that 99.999% of parents WANT to be the best parents they can be... but many of us simply don't have all the tools or supports or mindframe to be so.  No parent is perfect, but for those who cannot adequately provide for our kids' most basic needs (love, food, safety, shelter, nurturing) in those cases, someone needs to help us because our children CANNOT protect themselves.  They can't raise themselves, they usually can't provide for themselves, and much more importantly... they shouldn't have to.  They are kids.  I hope this litter girl will get to be in her mom's home again with both of them stable and doing well.  If that can't happen, I hope they each look back on this turning point in their lives and feel it was for the best.

 

You handled this whole thing with incredible strength and grace and concern.

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#159 of 163 Old 02-24-2011, 08:28 PM
 
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OP--What a tough situation, as everyone has said, but you did handle it perfectly.  I hope that things work out for this family.  Having worked in child welfare, I would suggest you think about forwarding/copying and mailing that letter into CPS and asking that it get sent to her caseworker.  There are many many good social workers who work hard to reunite 'their' kids with their parents, and it really helps to have the full picture.  If you feel like the letter is a good indictator of mental health issues, it would probably be really helpful to that worker.  Frequently, attending therapy, seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist etc are part of the case plan that could really get this mama the help she needs to address her mental health needs and hopefully be able to parent her daughter once again.  Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do.  I totally would understand if you are really ready to step out of this situation after everything you've already done.  You have really made a difference for this little girl. 

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#160 of 163 Old 02-28-2011, 08:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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The mom contacted me again last night. This time with about 40 (yes, 40 text messages). The first few were about not responding to her email, about ten asking me what I was doing and if I wanted to get together, the others were just nonsensical. After about the 39th message, I called her but she didn't answer so I left her a message. I was firm but not nasty and told her to stop texting me, I don't have anything to offer her and the ACS worker is better equipped to help her but in the meantime she needs to stop contacting me and that was that. She texted me after that and said OK. These texts were also happening very late at night but I haven't heard from her since.

 

Thanks for the PPs great comments and advice. I went ahead and took one-girls advice this morning and blocked her from being able to send me emails. I have to call my cell phone carrier and ask how I can block her from sending me texts. I've already put ignore as her name so if she calls I know not to answer it. DH doesn't think there's anything wrong with her at all except she takes advantage of people and manipulates them. Whatever it is, I'm done and just hope her DD is okay.

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#161 of 163 Old 02-28-2011, 08:49 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

The mom contacted me again last night. This time with about 40 (yes, 40 text messages). The first few were about not responding to her email, about ten asking me what I was doing and if I wanted to get together, the others were just nonsensical. After about the 39th message, I called her but she didn't answer so I left her a message. I was firm but not nasty and told her to stop texting me, I don't have anything to offer her and the ACS worker is better equipped to help her but in the meantime she needs to stop contacting me and that was that. She texted me after that and said OK. These texts were also happening very late at night but I haven't heard from her since.

 

Thanks for the PPs great comments and advice. I went ahead and took one-girls advice this morning and blocked her from being able to send me emails. I have to call my cell phone carrier and ask how I can block her from sending me texts. I've already put ignore as her name so if she calls I know not to answer it. DH doesn't think there's anything wrong with her at all except she takes advantage of people and manipulates them. Whatever it is, I'm done and just hope her DD is okay.


Oh my goodness. She sounds really ill. What do you mean by "nonsensical" in reference to her texts? You're continuing to handle it very well -- it must be so upsetting. 


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#162 of 163 Old 02-28-2011, 09:47 AM
 
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I think you have handled the whole situation really well.

 

A friend sent me a poem that really spoke to me (and I have been through something similar to you lately).  Hope it helps:

 

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

 

There is more to the poem, here it is in full if you like:

http://www.yuni.com/library/docs/631.html

 

I think the universe recognized you (or the mother did, on some subconscious level) as someone who could deal with the issues she had, and put you in her path.  She needed a friend for a reason, and you were it.    

 

Of course, it is also possible the whole thing is random.

 

Either way, she had a need for intervention and you filled it.  It is a good thing.

 

Take care of yourself,

 

Kathy

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#163 of 163 Old 03-06-2011, 09:07 AM
 
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FWIW I think you are doing the right thing as well. Honestly, she sounds like she is either severely mentally ill and not seeking treatment or she is using drugs (heavily and frequently). Neither is a good scenario to have to deal with. ((((HUGS)))) to you.


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