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#1 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 09:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Blowing off steam... DS and I went to a new playgroup today, although we already know many of the families there because we also attend story time at the library. Another Mom (that I've never met before) asked me ' so is there a father ?' today, in conversation, and I couldn't help but be insulted!

 

Yes, of course there is a father, thanks to genetics we all have fathers, so the proper way to ask would be 'is his father involved' which I find to be highly intrusive and rude in a "Hi I'm new here, I'm so and so, how old is your baby?" kind of conversation!

 

And yes, I'm married, so yes, his father is very involved! Maybe it's because I'm 25 and in jeans that folks feel like it is appropriate to ask questions like this? Would people be asking me this if I was 40 and in a suit?

 

Am I weird to think this might be a rude question? Am I being defensive because I am, in fact, younger than the majority? 


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#2 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 10:04 AM
 
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Was there "a father" with the asker's kid?  Where i lived when i was a single mother seriously 90% of the ladies at the groups were also alone, so it was a normal thing to be asked early on (i too was a bit shocked the first time, but realised after i stammered, "yes, but we're not together, but he's very involved" and she launched into her story that she was looking to bond rather than judge).  Also it might, sadly, be to do with your age, or rather how old you appear to be.  I met a girl in the street last month who was chatting away to me as if i was one of her direct peers and it eventually transpired (when she said "WOW, you OWN your house, you must have worked HARD before you had the babies!") that she had taken me to be 22 or 23 (i'm 30!).

 

Try not to be offended.  It could be that the person was judging and mean, but in that case there's no point wasting energy on feeling hurt by them, and it might be that she was trying to connect and it was just a bit weird.

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#3 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 10:17 AM
 
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Yes, that's very rude. I have had similar things happen to me, probably because I'm 27 but look younger and dress pretty casual (like you have a choice with a giant belly!). Mostly it's been people referring to the baby's dad as my boyfriend even though I am clearly wearing an engagement ring and a wedding band! (we've been married for three and half years).

I've also had a lot of people, including family, strangers, and friends, ask us if it was a planned pregnancy. I feel like this is a very personal piece of information and nobody's business, but have felt compelled to answer anyway that we did plan for it. For a lot of people it was the first thing they asked after we told them. Does anyone else think that's inapppropriate?

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#4 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 10:34 AM
 
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People ask all sorts of stupid things, trying to make conversation.  Try not to let it get to you!

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#5 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 10:36 AM
 
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People ask stupid questions.  I try to remember that when I get assinine comments.  Doesn't always work, but I do try.

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#6 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 10:41 AM
 
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I think it's a very rude question to ask, and I probably would have told the person so, nicely.  She may not have mentioned it maliciously but IMO she needs to know it's not nice.  Some people really are socially clueless and don't get why people are offended by very pointed questions. 

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#7 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 10:50 AM
 
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I wouldn't view it in any other way than someone's unartful way of inquiring about your family structure. 

 

 

 

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  Would people be asking me this if I was 40 and in a suit?

 

I've seen a general pattern on here that somehow old people (like myself) are immune from randomly inappropriate or inartfully worded comments.  Not true.  Us old people have our own issues.  biggrinbounce.gif  Given divorces, number of single parents and same sex couples in my area, it is not so unusual for a father (biological or otherwise) to be absent or relatively missing from the immediate family unit.  Should people express themselves better?  Yes.  Would I spend too much time thinking about it?  No.  :)

 


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#8 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 10:53 AM
 
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It's very rude and I would have been very bothered by the question. I have a big mouth so something sarcastic would have come out of it like "the baby daddy put a ring on it" and rolled my eyes. Half the time I don't think people mean to be rude but really don't know any better.

 

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#9 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 11:45 AM
 
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Its rude. Why is she so interested?

How about this, 'do they have the same father?', when and/or if you  have another child...it could get worse :-)

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#10 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 11:54 AM
 
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Yeah, I guess if your young - I was once a 20 yo mother - they wonder if 'there's a father'

Now, being old with 6-8 kids in tow at any given time...'Well gosh! Do they all have the same father?!?'

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#11 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 11:55 AM
 
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Oh I've had this happen. I even was hit on at a church event eyesroll.gif. Granted I haven't been wearing my wedding ring. My fingers swelled at the end of my pregnancy with DS, then I lost a lot of weight and now being pregnant again I don't want to risk it getting stuck (smaller one I have) or lost (larger one)

I think the oddest way asked was pointing at Dh "is that the father?" I answered "yes that is my husband" then the person asked "Oh was this planned" meaning did we get married because we were pregnant. Um no, we'd been married for almost 3 years when DS was born.

 

People can be rude, but then I think there are a lot of people now a days who aren't married or got married because of pregnancy. So maybe its just morbid curiosity. I'm hoping now that I'm having more the questions will stop. (like they all look the same so must be the same dad kinda thing)

 

ETA: I also look young...I was asked once about being a teen mom was I was 26 (she was polite I forgot about that until now...)


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#12 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 11:57 AM
 
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it could have just been the person awkwardly trying to feel out your situation and whether you had a partner who wasn't a father-- there seem to be lots of same sex couples in some areas more than others (not implying this is you but is another situation that could lead to a question like that)


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#13 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 12:07 PM
 
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Team, "it's rude".  It's far too personal a question, leaving aside the way she worded it!  Genetics, indeed, LOL!  "No, it was an immaculate conception."


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#14 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 12:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post

I wouldn't view it in any other way than someone's unartful way of inquiring about your family structure. 

 

 

 

Quote:
  Would people be asking me this if I was 40 and in a suit?

 

I've seen a general pattern on here that somehow old people (like myself) are immune from randomly inappropriate or inartfully worded comments.  Not true. 

 


 

Right. Like, "did you have IVF?"


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#15 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 12:11 PM
 
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My ballet teacher from high-school goes to the church my dad and younger sisters go to. DD and I go with them for special occasions, and if she's there and always starts talking to me and probing to see if DF and I are still together. I guess in her mind if you have a kid together you get married, and since DF doesn't come to church with us, he must not be in the picture. 


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#16 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 12:19 PM
 
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Yeah rude and obnoxious...just let it roll off your shoulders.

 

I went to a breastfeeding mom's group at the local health department and was asked if my children have the same father. My oldest looks like me and my middle child (who was about 4-5 mo at this point) looked and still is the spitting image of his father. Being the environment I was in and who "normally" use the resources at the Health Department, they expected that since they didn't look the same they had different fathers. I just told them the truth and rolled my eyes about it later.


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#17 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 12:29 PM
 
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Yeah, I'm in my late 20s and when my daughter was born (she's not even 2 yet), people kept asking me if I was a teen mom.  I get a lot of questions when we're out and about on public transport about if the dad is in the picture.

 

And on Monday, I had a guy on the street ask me in the middle of the day ask me where my daughter's father was.  "He's working," I told him.   You know, where you'd want your kid's father to be in the middle of the day, as opposed to at the bar or something.

 

"Oh that's too bad.  I was hoping I could help you out."

 

Ye-haw, what?  Now there's a pick-up line if I ever heard one.

 

That said, whenever people call my boyfriend my husband, I find myself automatically correcting them with, "Actually, we're not married."  No real reason.  I love my boyfriend, we plan on being together for life, but we're not married.

 

Forget kids, adults say the darndest things.


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#18 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 12:37 PM
 
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yep its rudeand I usually have a smarta$$ comment too. When i was pregnant with ds I had a lady in the store ask me if I knew who the father was (she followed mefir several aisles before asking me this) I was married but separated due to his abuse, and pretty sensitive about it so what ended up coming out my mouth was, "as long as we're sharing personal information, what size bra do you wear?" she turned beet red and that was the end of that.

 

now that I have 2 people usually tell me, "good you have one of each so you should be good and done now." I usually reply, "why would I make that decision at 23? I have my whole life ahead of me." I really don't get it. A lor of people think I'm a teen momand an equalnumber seem to assume that I'm unemployed/on welfare. I always enjoy setting them straight, lol.

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#19 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 12:58 PM
 
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"Nope, no father. You may refer to him as Lord and Savior. Thanks."


Me+DH+DS1+DS2+Dog=me and a house full of guys, which is really just peachy, thanks.
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#20 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 01:02 PM
 
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Most definitely rude.

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#21 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 01:04 PM
 
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What an  incredibly rude comment.And it had nothing to do with how you dress, or how old you are, or anything else like that. It had everything to do with someone who lacks tact and maybe even was trying to make you feel bad in some way. Avoid that woman, she sounds toxic.

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#22 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 01:10 PM
 
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Blizzard babe and waiting2bemommy, hilarious!    biglaugh.gif

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#23 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 01:37 PM
 
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Quote:
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"Nope, no father. You may refer to him as Lord and Savior. Thanks."



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#24 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 04:06 PM
 
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I don't know... she might be the kind of person that just didn't think before she chose her words.... she might have meant "Are you married?" but it came out completely wrong and she might be doing a palm/face over said question right now. ;) I know I've done that on more then one occasion... I'm not good in public settings and meeting new people. I get nervous and say dumb things... I'm actually very well-educated but you wouldn't know it upon first meeting me, lol.

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#25 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 05:00 PM
 
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I think it's sort of a weird way to ask the question, but I wouldn't be offended for people to think I was a single mom - any more than if I was a single mom and someone assumed I was partnered.
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#26 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 05:27 PM
 
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I think its kind of weird to ask about the father at a first meeting. Like pp suggested, I usually have some sort of fun comeback when people ask about our kids mothers.

 

The last time someone asked if my kids had a mother I told the person "They hatched from eggs we found in the chicken coop."


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#27 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 06:02 PM
 
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It's only rude if you assume there's something wrong with not having a father in the picture, or if you think information about who is in your household is so personal that you might not want to share it with someone you've just met.  It sounds like a lot of people posting on this thread do think one or both of those things, but I don't, so it doesn't seem terribly rude to me.  She probably just wanted to give you the message that she didn't necessarily expect you to have a husband, and wasn't going to judge you if you didn't.  Maybe she knows a lot of moms who have female partners, or who are single by choice.  (Maybe she's one of those moms.)

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#28 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 06:05 PM
 
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I think it's rude to assume something about a family, and a question like "is there a father?" assumes that there is not father. Which as someone all ready pointed out, is not actually logical. There has to be a father somewhere. Unless we want to get into some fairly complex theoretical but not proven ideas of what is possible with human reproduction. And really, what is wrong with learning things about people by just spending time with them?

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#29 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 06:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post

I think it's rude to assume something about a family, and a question like "is there a father?" assumes that there is not father.


I don't think it assumes there's not a father - it just recognizes that there might not be.  Which is perfectly reasonable, because there isn't always one.  (I mean, of course, the sperm came from somewhere, but there isn't always someone the baby is going to call "father.")

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#30 of 97 Old 11-18-2010, 07:20 PM
 
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I think that question is very rude and I think you should have called her on it.  When I was pregnant one of people at my church asked me if I knew who the father was after walking into half of my conversation and hearing I was pregnant and I chewed him out for it.  Ironically he got his girlfriend pregnant not very long after that.  I also get probing questions about how my dd was conceived at work because I look about 10 years younger than I actually am.  The assumption is that I had some kind of tryst and accidently conceived my child.  I find it very offensive and I make that very clear.  If I want to share with someone the circumstances around my marriage and divorce that have led to me not caring to mention the jerk I married I will volunteer the information.  It is a painful and sore subject normally and I don't go around wanting to relive it to people who are nearly strangers to me. 

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