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#1 of 11 Old 11-19-2010, 04:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am 36 and have one DS. We hope for more children but I don't know if that's possible as it took 2.5 years to conceive the first time. I'm wondering how the parents of only children feel as well as the children themselves. I am an only but from a dysfunctional home so my perspective is skewed. I will be homeschooling my DS. Does anyone have experience with this aspect as well?

Thanks!
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#2 of 11 Old 11-19-2010, 05:09 PM
 
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check out the moms of an only child tribe

raising my two sunshine children.

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#3 of 11 Old 11-20-2010, 02:29 AM
 
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Dd is 10 and we made a decision not to have more children when she was 3.

We've all been happy with our family size. Dd hasn't ever wanted siblings.

Dd is homeschooled.

 

I know there have been several threads about homeschooling one child in the learning at home forum before so you might want to look those up or ask about homeschooling one child there.


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#4 of 11 Old 11-20-2010, 03:16 PM
 
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We decided on only 1 child before we began TTC.

Ds came along and it only made me more sure of our decision.  He was/is absolutely fantastic, we have a perfect family dynamic.  He is almost 8 now and I do not regret the choice at all, neither does dh.

The ONLY issue we have is that for the last 1 1/2-2 years ds has begged...A LOT...for a sibling.  Literally everyone else we know has 2+ kids and he longs for a brother/sister.  We think being an only has so many benefits for him, but of course he doesn't see those over his strong wanting for a sibling.  He has tons of friends, family that he is close to...but you know, it just isn't the same.

Now if I could go back in time would I change things?  No.  But that doesn't mean that it isn't heartbreaking to have this conversation over and over with him, it ending with him feeling sad.  We have even had occasions where he actually cried and said things like, "if I had a brother/sister I would have someone to play with and I wouldn't have to be alone all the time..."

For me, that stings.  Badly.

After reading a lot of threads & visiting the onlies tribe here on MDC though, that isn't the case for everyone-just like onlyzombiecat mentioned.  For us, it is the one & only negative we've encountered so far.  The rest is super! luxlove.gif

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#5 of 11 Old 11-20-2010, 06:06 PM
 
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I am wondering about this too!! A lot right now. I notice that when I am going into ovulation time, which I am right now, I start to think about the possibility of having a second child, like all day long.

We have one 8 month old. And we have been pretty happy since he came along to think  that we are just going to have an only. But lately I am starting to think  how beneficial it would be for ds to grow up with a sibling. Dh and I like to stay home a lot- and while we have a nice community of friends, we tend to prefer to stay home with eachother more than socialize all the time. We do socialize, but stay home more.

Anyway- I am just thinking about this too- it is such a big decision, to have another child or not.

Sorry to go on about me on your thread! But this is so on my mind today!

I had a difficult birth- ending in a c section. And I know this is a factor in my thought about having only one. I am scared about giving birth again. But it is much more than only that- I think in so many ways it would be easier for me and dh to raise just one. But as ds gets older, and needs more socialization, I can also see how nice it might be for him to have a sibling. So I just don't know! For me right now I am sticking with the idea of keeping ds as an only, as I lean more to this. But I am still open to the idea that I might change my mind.

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#6 of 11 Old 11-20-2010, 06:55 PM
 
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so depends on personality.

 

single mom with one child. didnt want it this way but this is what life handed me. both dd and i wanted lots of kids but nope - just the two of us. sometimes we both miss having a full house.

 

so instead we have room mates and lots and lots of friends who come over, spend the night, live half the week in our house or we go over to their house. that's how we've met our people needs. life is a party and we are having a ball. dd has a lot of energy and needs social interaction along with physical play. i am totally exhausted by her. even at 8. we basically come home to sleep. our weekends are spent volunteering or doing something. now that winter is here there are sooo many free events happening everywhere. i dont do black friday shopping but dd has a date with my friends to go shopping.  without friends i dont know how we would have survived. we both 'need' people for our mental needs. we have chosen to live poor which means giving us time to have the life we want. if we had money it would be at the cost of time with people. the whole next week dd has off. she has stuff lined up with a family every single day. the funny part is most of friends dd hangs out with are single. 

 

contrast us with our best friend. she had a v. traumatic birth and even more traumatic ppd. mother and son are v. happy with how the family is. their dad wanted more but resigned himself to having just one kid. 


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#7 of 11 Old 11-20-2010, 07:14 PM
 
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Yes, I had my 1st & only child at age 43 and we're homeschooling; you can write to me offline any time. :-)

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#8 of 11 Old 11-20-2010, 07:24 PM
 
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I'm currently pregnant w/ my second at age 40, and perhaps regretting it a great deal. I'm very happy with just my first, a boy who is now 6. I already mourn the loss of freedom and income that comes w/ a second child, in addition to future time lost w/ my first (since I'll be so divided b/twn 2 kids). If I could do it all over again, I would not have chosen to become pregnant a second time -- we conceived again in a moment of madness I think. We really can't afford this second. And babies don't really appeal to me. I have to believe that I'll fall in love w/ this second, but right now am not feeling it.

 

Our first has begged for a sibling since age 4. This is why we tried again, for him. He is looking forward to having a younger brother, but I know that there is going to be a difficult transition for him. I just dread that, in addition to another 2-3 months of sleepless nights and breastfeeding. Ug.

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#9 of 11 Old 11-20-2010, 09:05 PM
 
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I can't answer as a parent since I'm nearly 30wks pregnant with #3 but I can answer as an only child.

 

Personally, I loved it. I never really missed having a sibling and never really wanted one. Occasionally I would go through a phase where I'd become close to someone and refer to him or her as my brother or sister (part. through middle school and early high school). But I never really wanted another child living with me. I liked my space and I liked the attention I got. I was in some ways spoiled (and still am!!) but I think all in all my parents did a pretty good job in moderating giving me what I wanted. I got a good chunk of it, but there were things I had to save for and buy myself. I loved to play by myself and developed a fabulous imagination. I could play pretend with the best of them! In fact, looking back on a lot of the games I used to play, I still "see" whatever it was that I was imagining rather than the actual backyard. I even learned to play board games with myself!

 

I do think that a lot is going to depend on the child's personality though. I was a very shy, intense and introverted little girl. Being an only suited me perfectly. Someone who is more outgoing and craves a lot of interaction isn't going to take to it as well.

 

I do have a fabulous relationship with my dad now. I think it stemmed from the all the personal attention I received. I'm sure that we'd still be great friends now even if I had siblings. My relationship with my mother, on the other hand, has always been rocky. We are very different people. Would our relationship be different if I had siblings? I don't really know, but I'm inclined to say yes. If she had a child who melded with her personality a little better, I think things would've been easier all around because then she wouldn't have been so focused on just me and trying to make me more compatible with her.

Second-hand parent answer based on what my parents have said. Its definately easier financially, but that basically goes without saying. lol.gif My parents liked how easy it was to go places and expose me to things such as music and art. It was easy to go out to eat. I have found throughout my life that I am drawn more to adult thans people my own age-even now I prefer to spend my time with someone twice my age as opposed to someone my own age-and I attribute that to the fact that I was more exposed to adult things as a child. Overall, both of my parents seemed to enjoy only having one child. I think that as they both came from large families (my mother has 11 siblings, my dad has 7), they were glad to be able to give more personal attention to their child than they ever got as children themselves. (disclaimer-that is their personal expirence and not how all large families work) OTOH, my dad has recently said to me that he thinks my rather turbulent teen years (again, mostly mother relationship issues and some depression issues) would've been easier if I had had a sibling to conspire with against my parents and discuss how much they suck etc.

 

Now that I am raising my own kids, I do find that I am at something of a disadvantage. I have no idea how the sibling dynamic is supposed to work and I don't know how to navigate my kids sibling problems. So far I'm doing ok, but I've only had two kids for a year. I expect that as they get older, I'm going to find myself more and more flummoxed as to how to deal with their interactions. And since we're throwing a third into the mix and us parents are going to be outnumbered, I'm started to become more concerned that I'm going to have a hard time figuring out how a sibling relationship works. I also had no grasp of what having kids was going to be like. Before my first was born, I was sure having kids was akin to taking care of a dog!! Ya feed em, change em, lay em down to sleep, how hard can it be?!? ROTFLMAO.gifYeah, I got my butt kicked! And I still find that as I've never really been around young kids aside from myself, I don't really know what's normal and what's not normal behavior, kwim?

 

All in all, I think a lot is going to depend on you and your family and what works specifically for you. I still can't imagine having siblings, being an only child worked very well for me. I think it worked very well for my parents, esp my father. If only having one child is physically all that can happen, that's not a bad thing. Maybe part of why I'm so at peace with being an only is because I always knew that my parents *couldn't* have more children. It was never an issue for me because I knew it was not going to happen. Whether or not having more kids was my parents intent, I think it worked out pretty well for everyone.

 

Well, I HTH!! It got rather long there, but I wanted to make sure I didn't leave anything out and got all the pros and cons in there. I'm pretty sure I managed ok, lol!


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#10 of 11 Old 11-25-2010, 06:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you everybody! All these responses have been helpful. smile.gif
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#11 of 11 Old 11-26-2010, 11:21 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 3xMama View Post

My relationship with my mother, on the other hand, has always been rocky. We are very different people. Would our relationship be different if I had siblings? I don't really know, but I'm inclined to say yes. If she had a child who melded with her personality a little better, I think things would've been easier all around because then she wouldn't have been so focused on just me and trying to make me more compatible with her.

I think you really bring up a valid point here. we were two of us growing up. i was v. close to my dad. my bro was much closer to my mom. and i had a v. rocky relationship with my mom. it wasnt the amount of care that was involved. it was just our personalities that matched. i noticed the same with dd - our only. she has a rocky relationship with her dad mainly coz they are introvert, extrovert people. i think dd and i get along so well is coz we are both extremely social and need social interaction a lot and yet we have our moments of complete hibernation with a book.

 

I have found throughout my life that I am drawn more to adult thans people my own age-even now I prefer to spend my time with someone twice my age as opposed to someone my own age-and I attribute that to the fact that I was more exposed to adult things as a child. 

 

yup. yup. that's my dd too. i have noticed though even as a baby in my arms she lunged towards esp. older people and curiously looked at children but never reached out for them. right now i am home enjoying the silence. dd has gone with my friends to do Black friday shopping. i am curled up with a book. most of my single friends love hanging out with her and they take her for movies and lunch. 


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