Anyone else live in a multigenerational household? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 28 Old 12-24-2010, 01:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
onlyAngil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: South Amboy, NJ, USA
Posts: 584
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

We live in a two family house - side by side with a shared front and back porch as well as yard - with my mom, my self, my mate, my son, our daughter, and one on the way who is due in May. We run, or at lest try to run, the family as one household. I know, not exactly the most "conventional" multigenerational household, but I think we qualify.

Is there anyone else out there?

How is it working out for you?

onlyAngil is offline  
#2 of 28 Old 12-24-2010, 03:08 AM
 
rizzosanders's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 26
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

We have 4 generations in our home!  My grandmother, mom and dad, myself, husband and daughter.  Thankfully there is enough room- my husband, daughter and I live in the 'in-laws quarters' on the lower level, while mom, dad and grandma live upstairs.  It's awesome.  I feel really blessed to be in a situation where she gets to develop close, day to day relationships with her 'Papa', 'Bubbe' and 'Great-Gramma'!

onlyAngil likes this.
rizzosanders is offline  
#3 of 28 Old 12-24-2010, 07:06 AM
 
Shaki's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 624
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

We used to have 4 generations, but then my Grandmother passed and now it's 3. We don't all technically live in the same household but on the same property. It's a double city lot with a two flat in front and a large coachhouse in back. Currently DH, DD, and I live on the 2nd floor of the 2 flat. My sister, her DH and DC's live on the first floor. Our mom lives on the second floor of the coachhouse. Grandmother used to live on first floor of coach house. My Mom and I have been sharing this property for about 17 years--I hold the unique title of having lived in every apartment on the property. DH has been a part of this for about 14 years, my sister and her family for about 5.

 

There are a lot of benefits to living this way, the most obvious one is the built in support system which is huge. Another benefit is that collectively we can afford more than we could individually, so we have lots of outdoor space for the kids and we can pool resources for outdoor toys and stuff. Plus shared childcare, and the cousins are growing up together and they are very close. The negative is that privacy is lacking (even though each family has their own apartment) it can sometimes feel like my mom and sister are too far up in my business and for my DH and BIL I think that can be even harder and more annoying. They basically have their MIL around all the time and even the most awesome MIL can be a bit much 24-7 :) !

 

Interested to hear from more people about their multi-generational situations.

Shaki is offline  
#4 of 28 Old 12-24-2010, 07:23 AM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,850
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Subbing... my mil lived with us for quite a while... and it didn't go well. She has moved away temporarily, but I don't know how long that will last. I feel that having a seperate home for her (like a duplex or something) would have helped a lot, but now our relationship is in the crapper. Totally looking for stories of how other families make it work!


Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
#5 of 28 Old 12-24-2010, 08:26 AM
 
jem1976's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cornwall, UK
Posts: 63
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My Granparents lived with my mum, dad and I (and my brother when he arrived!) from when I was 5.  I was very close to Gran and Pappy and can attribute this mainly to the close proximity that we lived in.  They allowed both my parents to work full time at building up their own business while being reaasured that we were taken care of.  My Pappy was the one who took me to and from school, my Gran made my post school snack.  My parents were very good at making sure that whatever time I had with them was QUALITY time and I never felt that my granparents were trying to be subsitutes, just felt very lucky to have them around and felt very lucky to have them in my life until I was 26.

 

When my granparents passed away my husband and I moved in with my Mum, Dad and Brother and although it wasn't easy we muddled along just fine.  We had our own bedroom and sitting room but shared bathroom and kitchen.  We moved out nearly 3 years ago now but we were with them for 3 years and it worked for us.  I could not, however, live with my mil and my DH agrees, the main reason it worked with my parents is because there was never any pressure, we were allowed to live our own lives.  I think that's the key. 

jem1976 is offline  
#6 of 28 Old 12-24-2010, 10:27 AM
 
cappuccinosmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: SW Pennsylvania
Posts: 5,628
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

We're living with my folks.  Three generations here: my parents, me and my sister, and between us the 4 grandchildren.

 

It took us maybe 9 months to feel like it was working smoothly.  Mostly it's great now, we work together, everybody does what needs to be done, we respect each other.  Since my sister moved in when she was pregnant, there have been a few ruffled feathers.  My boys are noisy and active, she desperately wants quiet all the time, and her baby doesn't sleep well.  So, a little snippy now and again.  But otherwise we're doing well.

 

I have been so grateful for them opening their home to us.  Dh is finishing up 18 months in his home country, and especially being in the same house as my dad while dh is gone has really helped my boys deal with that.  Also, their vocabularies skyrocketed after moving into this house where everyone talks all the time and dad reads to them classics every night.  I love it. 

cappuccinosmom is offline  
#7 of 28 Old 12-24-2010, 11:07 AM
 
mamadelbosque's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 6,946
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

We have 3 here. Sort of. We moved in with my dad... 3.5 yrs ago now 'for the summer'... and never left :o My dad & grandpa built a cabin next door last summer and dad has basicly moved in over there (gives him a bit more space, free of kiddos... :p), but we still share a phone line, freezers, and he has most of his stuff over here still (it is his house, afterall :p)

mamadelbosque is offline  
#8 of 28 Old 12-24-2010, 04:14 PM
 
waiting2bemommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: buried under laundry
Posts: 1,956
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

We have lived with my parents twice since I became an adult. The first time was when I was pregnant and newly single. It worked out very well for the first year or so because I was very wrapped up in taking care of ds, going back to college and working, etc. I paid them rent and utilities every month and bought a fair share of the food. My mom bought common household stuff like toilet paper, laundry soap and babysat ds from 7-3 PM every day. My mom shared her van with me and I paid for gas and car insurance. The in home childcare was awesome and ds is still very close to his Grandma.

 

This time the kids and I are staying with my parents temporarily until DP and I get married in a few months. It is rapidly going downt he tubes though because my mom feeds on drama and on being the martyr and unlike our first stint where she clearly had the upper hand (I needed to stay there for childcare, didn't have my own car at first etc) this time the dynamics are different. The kids and I go places, we spend lots and lots of time together as a family out and about or at their dad's place, the kids spend nights over there, and frankly we're just too busy to engage my mom's drama and keep her itnerest. So we're kinda getting pushed out. Another big thing for my mom is cleanliness...she freaks if everything doesn't look perfect. It's an almost impossible standard to maintain with two little ones and a part time job. I can keep it decent, but not to her standards. And I can't blame her for wanting her house to look the way she likes it, but honestly, I feel like she invited me to live here, knowing beforehand, obviously, that I had two kids. She had been to my house enough times to see that we (ahem, the kids....) are perpetual dish-users and laundry-unfolders. I do try but it is hard. The other thing that drives her bonkers is that I bltely ignore her childrearing advice and do exactly as I please. She cannot STAND it and even threatens to call CPS. lol. I told her CPS would laugh if she called in to report some of the things she thinks are complaint-worthy.


Very blessed mama to one bouncin' boy bouncy.gif (12/07) one angel3.gif who didn't get to stay (6/09), one potty learning, mess making divaenergy.gif(4/10), and one cheerful milk monster. aabfwoman.gif (12/11) Happy partner to the love of my lifedp_malesling.GIF.  

waiting2bemommy is offline  
#9 of 28 Old 12-24-2010, 06:23 PM
 
peaceful_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: #12 Grimmauld Place
Posts: 4,943
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

us...more later on what i think of it


lovin DH since 1/04, best mom for my 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
peaceful_mama is offline  
#10 of 28 Old 12-24-2010, 07:47 PM
 
lifeguard's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Coyote Rock Farm
Posts: 6,574
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

We're about to be. Mil, dh & I just bought a place together. We will all be moving in the summer. I'm a little nervous but she will have her own separate space so I think it will work.


Surviving sleep deprivation one day at a time with dd (Oct '11) & ds (Oct '08).

lifeguard is offline  
#11 of 28 Old 12-25-2010, 05:11 PM
 
peaceful_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: #12 Grimmauld Place
Posts: 4,943
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

OK..yesterday I was all ready to answer and then the baby woke up, so I put just a quick thing so I'd get the email.  :)

 

Yes, my mom lives with us.

 

The good:  Having someone here to do things like drive DS1 to school, so I don't have to bundle everyone up and go.  Or like right now, my van is out of commission, we CAN'T all go!

 

Having someone else who can and does help with some of the household chores.  I don't know that I'd be able to do it all alone...well I WOULDN'T...I would have *no* personal time and much less time than I already do to spend doing anything with the older ones.

 

Last summer, I loved being able to put DS2 down for his nap and take the older kids swimming...they were just at that age where it was too much for one of me to try to take all 3 of them during the busy afternoons.....when I NEEDED To be there because it was SO HOT and I was pregnant...

 

The downside?

 

Having to tell her to butt out sometimes and let me parent my kids.  Especially DD.  My mom has a different connection to the boys and DD knows it.  I worked when DS1 was a baby up until she was born--my mom was "daycare."  And she moved in with us a few weeks before DS2 was born.  My mom probably babysat DD a total of 40 hours her entire babyhood before she moved in with us. And DD is a much more spirited, high-strung personality than the boys....she 'fights back' to being disciplined where they never did.  It's getting better but I literally one day told her DD KNOWS she doesn't like her.  (probably a little too strong but I was sick of it.)

 

The fact that I grew up with her cleaning one day a week basically, other than doing dishes every night, and our house stayed fairly clean...I was the only child.  I have had to learn that this is not a realistic goal with 4 small children.  And there are times that I really wish she'd just see something and do it so I don't feel like I'm nagging for help. (Like take out the trash, or wipe a counter.  And I am literally the ONLY person who cleans the 2 bathrooms.  I'm not exaggerating.)  And she will nag the kids or get upset that it's a mess *again*.  I think basically we are all adjusting our expectations to life with many little people.

I never realized this till recently too......she is the one who nagged me to DEATH about being organized, yet actually *I* am the one who is constantly putting HER crap away.  I literally want to buy a television that mounts to the wall because I am SO SICK of cleaning everyone's JUNK off our entertainment center.  I HAVE places for this stuff, I'm just the ONLY one who puts it away.  Finding the kids' coats just thrown in the closet rather than hanging up, gloves, hats all that on top of the entertainment center or thrown in the closet so the mittens get lost, instead of in my hanging pocket thing. 

 

My mom is a HUGE TV watcher.  To the point that when baby DS was in the hospital for his surgery, DH came and told me mom watches too much TV and that is no kind of a life.  DH never says ANYTHING negative about her and usually won't listen to it from me.  She has a TV in her room, but there's times she'll sit in the living room and watch and complain about the kids' noise, etc.  *I* am getting to where I can't stand it in the background all the time.  The noise of it plus the kids plus whatever machines are running (dishwasher, washer, dryer) is just TOO MUCH.

 

you also can't talk to her because then EVERYTHING is blamed on her.  :P

 

And this really doesn't have to do with my mom but we desperately need a bigger house.  I wouldn't want total separation, but right now the older 3 kids share a bedroom, mom has a room, and the baby is in with me and DH.  They have no other playroom.  We *desperately* need at least a place that would allow them a playroom of some sort.

 


lovin DH since 1/04, best mom for my 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
peaceful_mama is offline  
#12 of 28 Old 12-27-2010, 06:09 AM
 
Callimom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 3,000
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

We have been in the past and I expect we will in the future.  My mother lived with us for 8 months while getting on her feet after separating with second husband. It had its challenges. We live in a very tiny house, I had 3 kids including toddler twins and was pregnant. My mother wasn't in a position financially to contribute but we all knew it was short term until she could get established in her job and afford to get her own place. She's a nurse and ended up getting a job working mainly 3 - 11 shifts so she rarely saw my husband which is probably a good thing.  We were glad to help but there wasn't a huge upside in terms of a stronger relationship with my kids or an extra set of hands.

 

We're just in the process of buying a new house and one of the criteria in looking for it was that it needed to have main floor bedroom and bathroom space so that we could take in my MIL or FIL if anything happened to either of them.  My FIL would probably manage fine logistically but be incredibly lonely. My MIL has some mobility and health issues and I don't know that she would be okay living on her own in her current house without a fair amount of support.  I would rather have either of them live with us than try to balance helping MIL manage their current house on her own.  My kids have an incredibly strong relationship with my ILs for which I am very grateful and I think we would transition to living in a single household relatively smoothly. 

 

If either IL came to live with us we would hopefully be able to put a family room addition onto the new house and give my ILs the living room, den and main floor bath which are all connected and are separated on one side of the house by the main centre hall  so that they could have their own sitting room in what would essentially be their own  "wing"  of the house. They are also connected to the front porch which would give them some outside space and their own entrance for guests etc.   


Blessed partner to a great guy, and mama to 4 amazing kids. Unfortunate target of an irrationally angry IRL stalker.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~ Buddha

Callimom is offline  
#13 of 28 Old 12-27-2010, 07:16 AM
 
velochic's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Dreaming of the Bavarian Alps
Posts: 8,413
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My mom has lived with us for almost 6 years now.  It's not a great situation.  I couldn't leave her to starve and my siblings can't/won't help.  I wish I'd never invited her to live here, but I would have still been supporting her anyway and this makes it a little less expensive (I have pretty much supported her for most of the past 15 years).

 

For us, personally, there are few advantages.  The advantages have all been my mother's.  I could complain and complain about the situation, but I'm trying to have a better outlook on it, in general.  More than anything, I just wish I had my home to myself again.  I never get time alone and when I ask her to go visit family to be away for a few days, she acts like I'm exiling her.  I crave some time to myself but she goes nowhere, has no friends and does nothing, so she is here unless she is picking up dd from school.  If she actually helped around the house (the ONLY household chore she does is the dishes about 50% of the time - and she is physically capable of doing anything), I guess I'd feel better.  I'm trying to teach my dd that everyone in the household needs to do their parts to keep things running smoothly, yet my mother's actions are teaching her otherwise.

 

I will just say this.  Put your boundaries in WRITING before you ever establish a multi-generational household.  Whatever the arrangements are, make them binding like a contract.  It sounds cold, but if you don't establish what each person is responsible for, one or both parties will end up hurt/mad/upset.

 

Good luck to everyone.

 

ETA:  We built an addition on to the house so my mom would have her own separate space with entrance.  However, she shares kitchen and downstairs bath with us.  In the mornings, after dd has left for school, I just want a little bit of down time.  My office is in the corner of the kitchen just off of the bath.  Every morning, she is back and forth in the bathroom and kitchen about a dozen times and it just drives me crazy.  I just want.to.be.alone.  Gah!!  My point... if you can, when you have someone living with you, make sure they have a COMPLETELY self-contained living space, including kitchen and bath.

velochic is offline  
#14 of 28 Old 12-27-2010, 09:44 AM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,850
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

:hugs velochic..


Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
#15 of 28 Old 12-27-2010, 03:22 PM
 
peaceful_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: #12 Grimmauld Place
Posts: 4,943
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

velochic--I get that.  My mom also does almost *nothing* as far as her own social life.  She did go with her sister to visit their other sister for a couple days last summer.  Other than that, she goes out to do the school runs for DS1, errands like the grocery store and bill paying day, and about once a week to the library.  She complains nonstop about the kids and about not "being able to do anything" and yet NOBODY IS STOPPING HER.  We've shared a vehicle at various points during the last 2 years, but there's also been times we've each had our own like right now.  And even so, there are days I just stay home with the kids...absolutely NOTHING is stopping her from finding some sort of gathering of people her age and meeting people but HERSELF.  I've pointed this out....repeatedly.  It does no good.

 

I've come to the conclusion that she enjoys complaining.


lovin DH since 1/04, best mom for my 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
peaceful_mama is offline  
#16 of 28 Old 12-29-2010, 09:55 AM
 
velochic's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Dreaming of the Bavarian Alps
Posts: 8,413
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by peaceful_mama View Post

velochic--I get that.  My mom also does almost *nothing* as far as her own social life.  She did go with her sister to visit their other sister for a couple days last summer.  Other than that, she goes out to do the school runs for DS1, errands like the grocery store and bill paying day, and about once a week to the library.  She complains nonstop about the kids and about not "being able to do anything" and yet NOBODY IS STOPPING HER.  We've shared a vehicle at various points during the last 2 years, but there's also been times we've each had our own like right now.  And even so, there are days I just stay home with the kids...absolutely NOTHING is stopping her from finding some sort of gathering of people her age and meeting people but HERSELF.  I've pointed this out....repeatedly.  It does no good.

 

I've come to the conclusion that she enjoys complaining.

 

I'm right there.  I can totally empathize.  In our case, we bought my mom a car, so she has no excuse to not go out and do things.
 

velochic is offline  
#17 of 28 Old 12-29-2010, 05:53 PM
 
muldey's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: RI
Posts: 1,131
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My parents,step dad and I all live in the same apartment house.My dad owns the house.Me and the kids on the 2nd floor,dad on the 1st,and mom and step dad in the basement.I do get a little agravated at times with my mother.Ds is autistic,and has some meltdowns,which especially in the summer can be heard through the whole house,and she will repeatedly call in the middle of it instead of just letting me take care of him,and maybe calling after he has calmed down.Then she'll get mad if I don't answer the phone,since I'm dealing with a screaming child,and she'll come upstairs.Which always makes the situation much worse.She's also constantly in my business.If exh comes over,she freaks out and tries to call the cops,without finding out if he is drunk and being a jerk or sober and treating us fine.I can handle him,if he's drunk he stays out.She'll tell me that she'll help me with anything,like food or whatever.Tonight we had nothing for dinner,I ended up with toast,and ds a pb and j sandwich.Instead of taking me to the store,I had my own money,just needed a ride,she rubbed it in that they had pork chops and fed dd but not ds.She's constantly favoring dd over ds.She'll watch her while I go to an appointment,but not ds.Dd's old enough to stay upstairs by herself. But,my dad and step dad are great.My mom can be,don't get me wrong.Ds is starting to notice the favoritism though.Dad does alot for us,takes me to the store and appointments,since we don't have a car.I try to buy his food and other household items,since I don't pay rent(mom and step dad do,but very little).He'll also watch ds.We've been like this for 10 years(step dad for 6 or 7).It's working.Mom keeps saying she's moving,but hasn't even looked for another place,so she's not going anywhere anytime soon.


Student mama to one awesome,talented and unique dd,15 and one amazing, sweet and strong ds,12(born with heart defect Tetralogy of Fallot,also on the autism spectrum),9 cats,and 2 gerbils.
muldey is offline  
#18 of 28 Old 12-29-2010, 06:32 PM
 
Halfasianmomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Montreal
Posts: 3,732
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

DD and I moved in with my parents last year when I left my XH and he started making threats. The plan was for me to move close to XH, so that kid exchange could be easier, but then he started becoming insecure and thought making threats would help his cause.

 

Anyhow, we've lived here, in the house that I lived in from the age of 16 to 25, for over a year now. It's a "single-family home", with 3 floors and 3 bedrooms...located in a really family-friendly neighborhood with a great little park walking distance. This was only supposed to be a temporary measure, but then it suddenly dawned on me that it would be a huge advantage to stay longer, so I could wipe out the debts XH had put in my name and save up money. Also, as DD adjusted to her new surroundings, she became hugely attached to my parents. I feel it would be cruel to yank her away from them now that she identifies them as her family. Finally, I feel that by staying here, I am giving DD a slice of the childhood that I could never afford to offer her on my own.

 

Overall, I feel that the arrangement has worked very well for all of us, perhaps because we were close to begin with. Though there were some serious bumps between us when I was married to my abusive alkie XH, my parents and I are very close. My father is generally ecstatic about my being here, as he feels it is his duty to help his only child get back on her feet. The whole "multi-generational living" thing is also very near and dear to his traditional Viet values. Most of my extended Asian family lives in similar types of arrangements.... He did however insist that I pay for 1/3 of the food and 1/2 the gas (since my parents use their cars to drive DD to and from daycare), because he fears that I'll just become lax about money. My mother is way more easy going, and she feels that since they are using certain services anyway, there's no need for me to pay. I still do though.

 

My father is semi-retired, so it's very helpful to have him at home most days. He does laundry, lots of cleaning and occasional grocery shopping and cooking. My mother does most of the cooking and groceries, and works full-time. I work the longest hours so my chores are generally tidying/cleaning, laundry when I can, and contributing yummy deserts and breakfasts here and there. Since DD's tdaycare is close to my mother's work, we both take DD together in her car every morning, and then drive over to her work which is right next to the subway. I travel to my work from there by subway. Usually my mom and dad swap who goes to get DD, usually at 4:30. Since I finish at 5:00 and work downtown, this is a HUGE advantage for DD who spends less time in daycare.

 

In terms of child-rearing, we've had lengthy discussions about what I want and how I would like them to intervene where DD is concerned. My mother has asked me on numerous occasions if I felt she overstepped her bounds when she disciplines DD, and I really appreciate that. Whenever DD displays a new kind of behaviour, we'll all discuss our approach together, which I think is awesome. However, I feel that now that things are settled into a routine, my parents step back way more and let me handle DD. I know they don't agree with all the things I did parenting wise (extended bfing, cosleeping, etc) but they just agreed to let me do my thing.

 

In the end, DD gets LOTS of love and attention. Her language skills are doing awesome with the added input of daycare AND three adults at home. I get to have a tiny bit of a personal life since my parents watch DD after I put her down if I ask them. There isn't much privacy though, and I've been blessed to meet a *very* family oriented and tolerant bf.

 

The long-term plan that's coming next year or so is for my parents to sell this house and to purchase a duplex with me. They'd live on the main floor and DD and I would live upstairs. Ideally, we'd find a place that has an internal stairwell so that DD can easily travel between apartments. This way, we'd all regain some privacy but still be close....because we enjoy being close.

Halfasianmomma is offline  
#19 of 28 Old 12-30-2010, 12:00 PM
 
peaceful_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: #12 Grimmauld Place
Posts: 4,943
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by peaceful_mama View Post

velochic--I get that.  My mom also does almost *nothing* as far as her own social life.  She did go with her sister to visit their other sister for a couple days last summer.  Other than that, she goes out to do the school runs for DS1, errands like the grocery store and bill paying day, and about once a week to the library.  She complains nonstop about the kids and about not "being able to do anything" and yet NOBODY IS STOPPING HER.  We've shared a vehicle at various points during the last 2 years, but there's also been times we've each had our own like right now.  And even so, there are days I just stay home with the kids...absolutely NOTHING is stopping her from finding some sort of gathering of people her age and meeting people but HERSELF.  I've pointed this out....repeatedly.  It does no good.

 

I've come to the conclusion that she enjoys complaining.

 

I'm right there.  I can totally empathize.  In our case, we bought my mom a car, so she has no excuse to not go out and do things.
 

we now carry insurance on 3 vehicles for the same reason.  It hasn't changed anything.  I think I am going to go search park and rec website or get a copy of the activity book or something...when I used to take my kids to playgroup at one of the CC's they had some sort of senior group meeting there.  since it's there, it's likely free, which would be an advantage to my mom possibly--the sr. center here has a yearly membership fee.
 


lovin DH since 1/04, best mom for my 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
peaceful_mama is offline  
#20 of 28 Old 12-30-2010, 12:08 PM
 
peaceful_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: #12 Grimmauld Place
Posts: 4,943
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)


ugh....well, I feel slightly better.  While my mom does do some little things that seem to favor my 6 year old over my 4 yr. old--like allowing him to go into her room and watch the TV or use the computer but telling DD she can't....it does have a little basis in the fact that he will just do his stuff and not mess with her things, while if they are in there together, they end up jumping on the bed and stuff.  And while she *will* watch DD, she would rather have just the boys.  (but DD and the DS's fight, while DS1 and DS2 really don't.  So again, I see that there's a little bit of a reason, the boys are easier to babysit.)  But she would never do something like only feed the boys and not DD, or other stuff that doesn't have at least a semi-valid reason behind it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by muldey View Post

My parents,step dad and I all live in the same apartment house.My dad owns the house.Me and the kids on the 2nd floor,dad on the 1st,and mom and step dad in the basement.I do get a little agravated at times with my mother.Ds is autistic,and has some meltdowns,which especially in the summer can be heard through the whole house,and she will repeatedly call in the middle of it instead of just letting me take care of him,and maybe calling after he has calmed down.Then she'll get mad if I don't answer the phone,since I'm dealing with a screaming child,and she'll come upstairs.Which always makes the situation much worse.She's also constantly in my business.If exh comes over,she freaks out and tries to call the cops,without finding out if he is drunk and being a jerk or sober and treating us fine.I can handle him,if he's drunk he stays out.She'll tell me that she'll help me with anything,like food or whatever.Tonight we had nothing for dinner,I ended up with toast,and ds a pb and j sandwich.Instead of taking me to the store,I had my own money,just needed a ride,she rubbed it in that they had pork chops and fed dd but not ds.She's constantly favoring dd over ds.She'll watch her while I go to an appointment,but not ds.Dd's old enough to stay upstairs by herself. But,my dad and step dad are great.My mom can be,don't get me wrong.Ds is starting to notice the favoritism though.Dad does alot for us,takes me to the store and appointments,since we don't have a car.I try to buy his food and other household items,since I don't pay rent(mom and step dad do,but very little).He'll also watch ds.We've been like this for 10 years(step dad for 6 or 7).It's working.Mom keeps saying she's moving,but hasn't even looked for another place,so she's not going anywhere anytime soon.




lovin DH since 1/04, best mom for my 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
peaceful_mama is offline  
#21 of 28 Old 12-30-2010, 01:43 PM
 
peaceful_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: #12 Grimmauld Place
Posts: 4,943
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)


that's SO COOL....I would *love it* if my mom and I could get to the point where we can actually discuss things that she does/doesn't do with the kids *without problems* most of the time...

but we tend to revert back to my teen years....*sigh*  Even when I *try* to be as nice and diplomatic and adult as I possibly can be, she'll start with the "fine, EVERYTHING's MY fault" crap or something like that and well, I either walk away mad that I can't say anything to her without it going to that garbage, or I respond to it somehow and we're all out arguing.

 

I think our family would hugely benefit from a sit-down discussion of things but it's never happened.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post

DD and I moved in with my parents last year when I left my XH and he started making threats. The plan was for me to move close to XH, so that kid exchange could be easier, but then he started becoming insecure and thought making threats would help his cause.

 

Anyhow, we've lived here, in the house that I lived in from the age of 16 to 25, for over a year now. It's a "single-family home", with 3 floors and 3 bedrooms...located in a really family-friendly neighborhood with a great little park walking distance. This was only supposed to be a temporary measure, but then it suddenly dawned on me that it would be a huge advantage to stay longer, so I could wipe out the debts XH had put in my name and save up money. Also, as DD adjusted to her new surroundings, she became hugely attached to my parents. I feel it would be cruel to yank her away from them now that she identifies them as her family. Finally, I feel that by staying here, I am giving DD a slice of the childhood that I could never afford to offer her on my own.

 

Overall, I feel that the arrangement has worked very well for all of us, perhaps because we were close to begin with. Though there were some serious bumps between us when I was married to my abusive alkie XH, my parents and I are very close. My father is generally ecstatic about my being here, as he feels it is his duty to help his only child get back on her feet. The whole "multi-generational living" thing is also very near and dear to his traditional Viet values. Most of my extended Asian family lives in similar types of arrangements.... He did however insist that I pay for 1/3 of the food and 1/2 the gas (since my parents use their cars to drive DD to and from daycare), because he fears that I'll just become lax about money. My mother is way more easy going, and she feels that since they are using certain services anyway, there's no need for me to pay. I still do though.

 

My father is semi-retired, so it's very helpful to have him at home most days. He does laundry, lots of cleaning and occasional grocery shopping and cooking. My mother does most of the cooking and groceries, and works full-time. I work the longest hours so my chores are generally tidying/cleaning, laundry when I can, and contributing yummy deserts and breakfasts here and there. Since DD's tdaycare is close to my mother's work, we both take DD together in her car every morning, and then drive over to her work which is right next to the subway. I travel to my work from there by subway. Usually my mom and dad swap who goes to get DD, usually at 4:30. Since I finish at 5:00 and work downtown, this is a HUGE advantage for DD who spends less time in daycare.

 

In terms of child-rearing, we've had lengthy discussions about what I want and how I would like them to intervene where DD is concerned. My mother has asked me on numerous occasions if I felt she overstepped her bounds when she disciplines DD, and I really appreciate that. Whenever DD displays a new kind of behaviour, we'll all discuss our approach together, which I think is awesome. However, I feel that now that things are settled into a routine, my parents step back way more and let me handle DD. I know they don't agree with all the things I did parenting wise (extended bfing, cosleeping, etc) but they just agreed to let me do my thing.

 

In the end, DD gets LOTS of love and attention. Her language skills are doing awesome with the added input of daycare AND three adults at home. I get to have a tiny bit of a personal life since my parents watch DD after I put her down if I ask them. There isn't much privacy though, and I've been blessed to meet a *very* family oriented and tolerant bf.

 

The long-term plan that's coming next year or so is for my parents to sell this house and to purchase a duplex with me. They'd live on the main floor and DD and I would live upstairs. Ideally, we'd find a place that has an internal stairwell so that DD can easily travel between apartments. This way, we'd all regain some privacy but still be close....because we enjoy being close.




lovin DH since 1/04, best mom for my 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
peaceful_mama is offline  
#22 of 28 Old 12-30-2010, 10:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
onlyAngil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: South Amboy, NJ, USA
Posts: 584
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Let me just say, WOW! This is wonderful, I never thought I would find so many others RIGHT away! Let me tell you, you have cheered me up. it is sooo wonderful to know others are going though the same trials and joys!

 



I have seen multi-generational homes work, IN MY FAMILY, my uncle (mother's brother), lived with his wife, my cousin, and my great-aunt – Баба (Baba) – for many years, until they had to sell the house, and Баба was having issues due to her very old age. Sadly she died shortly thereafter, but then again, people die. It is the way the world works. This is part of why I have so much hope that multi-generational living can work.

I did not mention it in my first post, but things are really hard here right now. On top of having different types of personality temperaments, my mother is bipolar and my son is “spirited”, making our mix sooo much harder. It is getting to the point where I have to “council” my mate (we are unwed by choice, perhaps in time this will change....) on how to try and handle my mother. Instruct my mother on how to handle the kids, down to “Please, stop telling them what /not/ to do, and PLEASE /only/ tell then what they can do.” (DON'T put the worm in your mouth vs we need to be able to SEE the worm at all times, or something else creative). Do not get me wrong, I try to give her space, but she in no way looks out for herself and has bad habits (examples: every sentence has a negative contraction in it, sometimes so many that when I respond to her triple negatives properly she is lost, walking around with things in her mouth, talking back, having to have the last word, looking at the floor or the wall when talking to people, smiling and laughing when talking to her about something serious, extremely low work ethic, etc) which my kids are picking up and, while she doesn't see these habits at all, they make her life much, much harder and I hate to see my mom suffer. The kids walk all over her, and I can hardly blame them... they see her as weak and while she isn't per say she plays it well. As I am rather sure I could right a book, to sum it up, my farther who passed away 3 days I gave birth to my DD – now 2.5yo – was very abusive to both my mother and myself. While I was able to “escape” most of the “wrath” by moving away at 18yo (tried two weeks before and was brought back by cops, who even told me they were sorry when I was leaving the station after they met my father), my mother feels “others have it wrong when it come to understanding people hitting each other,” and that my father always had her in mind so she never divorced him. I feel it is because of this and her mental illness that so much of her life is, well, toxic – EXTREMELY unhealthy diet, hording/pack rat behaviors, and keeping friends who perpetuate her toxicity (and these are just the very low end). Sometimes, more and more now, I wonder how I made it as a kid. She seems to only respond to my mate and then normally only when he gets overly emotional. Um, wait, make that ANY MALE. She claims not to be sexist, but, for example, will ONLY come to me about matters of cooking while my mate does the main cooking and shopping in the house. I am sure that helping create a “safe home” will help everyone in my family, but as long as my mate sees me as the head of “home life” and my mother see him as the “pants in the family” I have no idea what to do.

I LOVE having my mom around, it's my mom :) but it is getting to the point where I am unsure we can make it work over the long run. I can tell at times she tries to help, like today when she vacuumed the playroom and helped watch the kids, but sometimes I wonder if she is more of a hindrance than helpful. She is also very supportive of things that other family members are not: birthing at home, not vaxing, educating at home, working at home, home steading, and much more!


As for how what you guys are currently talking about - I have fallen behind due to life as so am still working though people "introductions," but will be doing more to keep up with your guys as time goes on... so these are just the first few post made, therefor please pardon if something has been coved and I have yet to get to it >.< I will be making more "rounds" as time allows and then, like I said, staying up to date :D You guys all seem great!


rizzosanders :

I am so happy to hear this! I think when things work out, homes like this can be even more enriching than having just mom and dad, if only because of all the stories and life histories which can be shared. You are very blessed, :) I was wondering if you have your own little apartment or do you share a space?

 

Shaki :

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, how long ago was it if you do not mind me asking, and how is everyone handing it? From your post it seems like things are going well for the most part :) You guys seem like you also have a lot of space which I am sure can make things a little easier over all and it seems more fun. I am sure the privacy thing can be a bit much. I mean you, your dad, and your sister are used to family being there, but for your DH and BIL it is different, someone new (even once they know everyone) and a new lifestyle... do they have a place to hide – a “man cave”? You mention that help with childcare is good, does everyone have more or less the same outlook on parenting as you and yours? And with everyone living near each other but still so apart, do you find support with house cleaning and meals or is everyone on their own? Great title BTW!

 

texmati :

I for one am happy to have you here, the more people, the more help for ALL! I hope we are able to help healing on its way, and get the crapper at least clean... then it is just a bowl! Perhaps a “super bowl”? LOL. :)


It seems that more room can help, what was your last set up and why are you unsure how long her being moved will last? Also, what went wrong last time and do you have any ideas what you might try this time?

 

jem1976 :

Wow. Great story, thank you for sharing! :) I am sure being able to be yourself is key in any living arrangement. Why did you end up moving out? And do you still live close or did you move far away? Do you miss it and why do you think you would be unable to live with your MIL? Also, do you think you would do it again?
 

cappuccinosmom :

I am glad things are working out for the most part :)

Pulling one's share is one of our problems, glad to know you guys got past this. How does your household organize it all? Noise can be a BIG problem, even more so when you are unused to it (this problem thankfully we do not have)! Is this her first baby (if so does she know they get loader? LOL) and is the baby's sleeping problems due to the noise or something else? Have you thought about maybe “sound proofing” her room (my friends family did this for her older brother with tons of old egg cartons and new drywall when he got drums)?

Your dad sounds like a great role model and your boys will always remember this, they are very lucky!


mamadelbosque :

Well, at least you got something worked out :) I would love to hear more!

waiting2bemommy :

I am very sorry you having such a hard time (( hug )) I understand having someone who feeds off of drama and being the martyr around, but you ARE doing good things! and it is perhaps for the best that you have no time to indulge her and are planing to move out. I have to admit perpetual dish-users and laundry-unfolders would drive me batty, but only because I hate A) doing dishes and b) folding laundry, lol. I would love to know what types of things she wants to call CPS on you for, but the fact of the matter is, if my mother ever told that to me... well we would no longer be living as we are. Again ((hugs)).


lifeguard :

What are you nervous about?

 

peaceful_mama :

Wow mama, you have your hands full! I wish I had it as together as you seem to :) I mean at least you have a place for your mittens, lol. … though what you said to your mom about DD might have been a little harsh... I had to say something similar to my mom about my DD though, sigh. My mom just made me cry, they both got over it and now enjoy each other :D

Having someone to do any of the driving can be supper helpful... now if only we had a car! Lol. As well as with the cleaning. You say you would like her to see something and do it, and that you are the only one that cleans the bathroom, but that she helps with some of the chores. What I am missing is what does she do, laundry? I was also wondering if she feels that either because she is older, or because she is in /your/ house that this might be the “problem”. This is something we are working through, my mother seeing her house and my house as ONE house, that we split life, and are ONE family. I think this kinda caught her off guard at first. We are about to start using Chore Busters to make a chore list in hope that I can stop my nagging as I know it is unhelpful. Do you do something like this, and if no do you think it might help? As for talking to her, there has to be a way... just because it is /about her/ does not make it “EVERYTHING is blamed on her.” Wish I could help here... but all I can say is keep trying as giving up helps no one. (( hug)) Also if my mate refused to listen to me I would be very upset, I mean I can understand him not wanting to confront her, but not talking to me about problems I am having is a BIG relationship nono in my book... again (( hugs)).

I wish I could help with the TV problem, but we have none here, other than the one in my moms room and she is the only one who watches it other than the odd sporting event, like The World Cup. Perhaps if you can figure out why she likes sitting out in the living room rather than her bed room, you might be able to figure out a way to “fix” this for everyone's comfort. We took our living room and made it a playroom, Waldorf Style, EVERYONE loves it! There is a huge fold out table to play games on, but it goes away very easily, so I even have all our more adult board games down there. I feel so lucky, I never had a playroom when I grew up, only my bedroom, but like you was an only child. Though this might be a little hard for you... do you at least have a nice safe yard for the kids the play in and can you get away from the noise?

onlyAngil is offline  
#23 of 28 Old 12-31-2010, 07:18 AM
 
cappuccinosmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: SW Pennsylvania
Posts: 5,628
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Pulling one's share is one of our problems, glad to know you guys got past this. How does your household organize it all?

 

We were raised to do so since childhood, so it's not such a big deal.  But there are times when one or the other slacks off, or one person starts feeling like their share of the load is inordinate.  We talk about it.  Like if I've been doing endless dishes all day on top of everything else, and made supper, when we sit down I will say "I would be grateful not to do the dishes tonight--who's volunteering?".  If there's tension between siblings about something, dad is an expert mediator.  If our parents have an issue with something, we make changes needed because frankly they are doing us a *huge* favor by letting us live with them, and they deserve respect.

 

Noise can be a BIG problem, even more so when you are unused to it (this problem thankfully we do not have)! Is this her first baby (if so does she know they get loader? LOL) and is the baby's sleeping problems due to the noise or something else? Have you thought about maybe “sound proofing” her room (my friends family did this for her older brother with tons of old egg cartons and new drywall when he got drums)?

 

lol, I think she doesn't believe he could possibly be as noisy as my boys.  But some of it is not really the noise, but her sensitivity.  The rest of us tune it out, she has trouble doing so.  And her baby's issues are not with noise.  My youngest slept very well in spite of the noise his older brothers made.  My nephew is tetchy with sleep and has been from the beginning.  Everybody's trying to help with that, and I guess our part is doing what we can to keep the volume level down, if only to make my sister feel better, even if it doesn't help her baby.

cappuccinosmom is offline  
#24 of 28 Old 01-01-2011, 10:01 AM
 
mamabutterfly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: PA
Posts: 1,778
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

We live with my MIL, and there are a few things that make it work well in our case:

 

-When we bought this house, we were leaving a rental and MIL, who we were very close with, was diagnosed with cancer and we didn't know her prognosis. We got a house with a first floor apt and she she moved in there. We live on the 2/3 floors. I agree with previous posters that having totally separate units (entrances, *kitchens*, bathrooms) makes all the difference for us. I would hate for her to have to share a kitchen with me, lol. Already we are in her space too much and she almost never comes upstairs.

-Fortunately her health improved and she is now working full time- this means she has her own active life, she goes to bed earlier than us, and we can go a couple of days without seeing her. I actually have to seek her out to have dinner with us or something.

-Her personality happens to be awesome and she is fanatical about staying out of our business. Even when I ask for advice she's hesitant to give it. She also tries to ask me about everything when it comes to my kids (like, "Ask your mom if it's okay for you to eat X")

 

However, there are a few differences we do have, of course, and living together makes it trickier for me to just say, Oh, Gramma can spoil them, it's Gramma, because it's not like a twice a year visit. I've had times when my DD1 has expressed *strong* preferences to be in Gramma's doesn't want to come up with me, sees me as the mean one who enforces everything (chores, homework, whatever). Still, I'm glad they have a wonderful relationship with her, i know she won't be around forever. She still has multiple health issues.

 

The other issue is for DH, mostly, trying to navigate how & how much we help her. Our home constantly need work, we have 2 jobs and 2 kids and it's sometimes hard to try to prioritize things she needs done. DH always feels guilty when he's not helping her enough, but we have so much to juggle. So I do feel that "squeeze" somewhat.

DH does have two sibling who do not have children... and are rarely if ever here helping. I feel like if MIL lived alone they would, but it's like she lives in our house so it's all up to us.

 

Lately I really want to move for various reasons, but can't see how we can make that work with MIL - I sometimes wish we could look for a 'normal' house and not a duplex, but I don't feel like we can forget about her. Also when we talk about it, she really wants a farm in the country, and I want to stay near the city, so it's complicated.

 

It's interesting to hear about others' experiments. I think it's wonderful in many ways when it can work!


teapot2.GIF Mama to my sweet girls: notes.gif (2/02) and energy.gif (2/08) and brokenheart.gif 3/11 and now belly.gif  EDD 5/24/14
mamabutterfly is offline  
#25 of 28 Old 01-01-2011, 10:16 AM
 
Xavismom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Utah
Posts: 589
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Us! Our household consists of myself, DH, DS, and my mom.

 

 

75% of the time its pretty great, 25% of the time it can be almost unbearable. Getting more so as DS gets older (13 mo now).

 

I'll elaborate more later, DS is tearing around like a tornado =)


Mama to Xavian, born 11-24-09
Xavismom is offline  
#26 of 28 Old 01-01-2011, 11:00 AM
 
seraf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: in transition in ohio
Posts: 4,979
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My mom and I bought a duplex a couple of years ago.  One half was livable, so we all lived in that half while the other half got finished.  My younger sister graduated and moved out and my mom's younger sister moved in with her.  It works well for me, I wish I saw more of my mom.  She is a busy woman.  Before we lived together the kids saw so little of her that they were shy, now they'll go with her if she is going someplace fun, or they'll stay with her if something comes up. 


carrot.gifbroc1.gifbanana.gifbanana.gif 10, 8, 1 & 1
seraf is offline  
#27 of 28 Old 01-01-2011, 12:32 PM
 
Shaki's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 624
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Shaki :

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, how long ago was it if you do not mind me asking, and how is everyone handing it? From your post it seems like things are going well for the most part :) You guys seem like you also have a lot of space which I am sure can make things a little easier over all and it seems more fun. I am sure the privacy thing can be a bit much. I mean you, your dad, and your sister are used to family being there, but for your DH and BIL it is different, someone new (even once they know everyone) and a new lifestyle... do they have a place to hide – a “man cave”? You mention that help with childcare is good, does everyone have more or less the same outlook on parenting as you and yours? And with everyone living near each other but still so apart, do you find support with house cleaning and meals or is everyone on their own? Great title BTW!

 

Lets see if I can answer all of this :).

My Grandmother passed almost 2 years ago. She had lived a long and fruitful life and died at home surrounded by her loved ones so although it was devastating (as is the loss of any loved one) it was a death that we can all be at peace with.

 

To clarify my dad does not live with us. He and my Mom have been divorced for over 20 years, my mom is single. So one of the things that is a benefit for her but can be hard for us is that she's got 2 son in laws plus me and my sister to do any things she needs done around the house, and she has a tendency to ask for help around the house in an alarmist way (the lightbulb must be changed now or the world will end and you don't love her), so that can be really difficult to deal with.

 

The guys don't have a communal man cave, they both get space in the their own ways.

 

My sister and I have very similar approaches to child rearing and Mom generally follows our lead. However we do approach some things a little differently but the differences are pretty minor.

 

We do not share house work or meals (except on special occasions) we do share yard work and up keep of common areas.

Gotta run.

I'm finding this thread really helpful. I appreciate hearing about everyone elses experiences.

Shaki is offline  
#28 of 28 Old 01-01-2011, 08:21 PM
 
rush2ady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 141
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Wow, I love hearing everyone's experiences!  Reading through the posts, it seems like the situations where it works out happily is when everyone is mentally stable and contributes their share of the household workload. 

My MIL currently lives with me and DH, and it's been testing my patience!  The things that my MIL does in an attempt to clean, are done so pathetically that I have taken over those chores...like doing dishes, she will leave food gunk and soap all over them and put them in the drainer to dry.  If she sweeps, she flings the broom around in such a way that dust and dirt go flying everywhere.  Two days ago, she left such a disgusting mess (don't ask--trust me) in the bathroom that I feel nauseous when I think of it. 

I was living away from home during the summer for studies, and she moved in during that time with my DH.  When I returned home after a couple months, there were cockroaches and other ickies crawling around our place, the kitchen rag and towels had not been washed the whole time and stank like anything, and my DH was doing her laundry and other chores while working his longer-than-full-time job.  While she sat and watched soap operas all day.  Now that I'm back, I make her do her own laundry at least.  And no more cockroaches!

 

Aside from the total differences in personalities, my biggest gripe I have since she's come here, is not only does she NOT contribute in any helpful way, like doing chores, or even sharing a pleasant conversation, but she actually created more work for me with her sloppiness.  She has a serious sense of entitlement that as the elder of the family, she should not do anything but be entertained and waited on.  I know she has a lot of anger towards me because I won't answer to her beck and call.

The only plus has been my DH feels he is contributing to her care (important to his Indian way of thinking), and he genuinely loves her.  Because of his love, he more easily overlooks her faults than I do.  Having that level of love, care, and comfort is huge in living with and getting along with others.  Apparently I lack this essential element.

rush2ady is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off