Re thinking how many kids you originally wanted - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-11-2011, 07:57 AM
 
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I have 4 kids right now.  What I always saw in my head for "perfect family" was me, a daddy, and 4 kids.  Am I done yet?  Well, we're going to use some birth control for awhile because I've had 4 children in 6 years and we *all* have been under a TON of stress that put a LOT of dysfunction in our home.  Do I want more?  I don't know.  DH grew up in a big family, I'm an only child.  He's always said he wanted a big family, I wanted the same thing.  We were in so much dysfunction that I don't think we really know yet, and I've got a little baby who needs a lot *right now.*  I do know I don't want to do anything surgical, and I haven't decided a birth control form yet.


lovin DH since 1/04, best mom for my 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), one 13 wk (10/13) and 5/15 just your average multigenerational living family!!
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Old 01-17-2011, 05:33 AM
 
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When I was pregnant at 19 years old, my then boyfriend and I talked about him having a vasectomy. Now, I'm 24, have two kids, and want a third some day. We're taking it one baby at a time, though I do have fantasies of having a larger family but with a larger spacing. (Like five kids, but all spaced 5-7 years apart except for my first two). Who knows what life will bring?


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Old 01-17-2011, 09:37 AM
 
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I really wanted three kids.  About three months into my second pregnancy my husband said, "I'm done.  No more."  I don't blame him. :(  My pregnancies are horrendous.  I'm completely incapacitated and sick the whole time.  My husband has to take over cooking and cleaning.  He's not an energetic person.  The first pregnancy was hard, but ok.  The second pregnancy, with an active toddler, was rather a nightmare.  And then there is labor.  My first labor was only 49 hours long. My second labor was 9 days and I had a hemorrhage that almost killed me.  (At home.)  My midwife told me that I should absolutely never again risk a homebirth and I probably shouldn't have more children at all.  My body just isn't good with this whole 'be fruitful and multiply' thing.  He has already had a vasectomy, in fact we should be getting the results of the 3 month test today to find out if we are for sure for sure done.


My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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Old 01-17-2011, 01:22 PM
 
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I always thought I wanted four kids. Then I got pregnant for the second time and started thinking that two was a great number. DH always wanted just two, but was willing to have a third. Well, we found out I am having identical twins, so we will be having three kids all within 19 months of each other. I think we are done. I don't think we will do anything permanent, but I don't think I'll be able to talk DH into a fourth either.

Natalie ~ DH 8/04 ~ DD 8/09 ~ Identical Twin Boys Arrived at 34w5d on March 2, 2011

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Old 01-17-2011, 01:49 PM
 
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I always thought I wanted 4. It just seemed right to me. After having my second though we decided that maybe 2 was a good number although I still had doubts. We decided that 2 kids 2 yrs apart was good. If we wanted more then we'd want 2 more 2 years apart but not for a few years. We'll have #3 this spring and I know I definitely want another now. It was a surprise pregnancy but I'm so glad for it now. And surprise it actually hit my 'perfect' timeline. Baby is due in April, DS will be 4 in June and DD 6 in Aug. Now I just want another in 2 years lol. Although 6 doesn't sound so bad to me either some days. I'm attempting my first homebirth this time and honestly I think that will help determine whether we have more or not.


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Old 01-17-2011, 03:36 PM
 
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We have five and we're done. I wanted eight, and have been pg eight times, though I wasn't considering that when I felt that our family was complete with my last pg. Previously, I just didn't feel like everyone was here yet, and I'm not a mystic at all, but I did feel that way. Dp and I both had "missing child syndrome" that caused us both to regularly experience that panic feeling when we'd head-count, and only get to the number of children we actually had, then whipping our heads around for a second looking for the other one(s), until we realised "oh, yeah; that's how many we have..." and feeling a bit silly.

 

Since our infant was born, this hasn't happened even once to either of us. We both felt the same way with the positive on the hpt: Yay! Our forever youngest child is here!

 

I was honestly a bit afraid that I wouldn't feel done with our youngest, and go on feeling like I had before, but I've felt completely confident that we're complete. That said, if it happened that we had an addition to our family through a surprise pg or circumstance, we'd welcome the newbie with joy, but we feel content with our little group of people as it is right now. :)

 

I wanted to add, that the absolute most difficult number of children for me was two. When the third came, things became much easier within a week of his birth. Previously, the two boys had such divergent personalities and they needed constant interaction mostly to do with this reality. Our third child made the whole atmosphere soooo different with the first two; they had a common focus and clear directives with how to proceed with their efforts because ds3 was a fabulous communicator from the beginning and gave them feedback and amusement all day. As their group dynamic developed, the differences between them became visible strengths rather than sources of conflict. At very early ages, they began negotiating in very mature ways as they saw their differences in strengths and challenges as resources to accomplish common goals. It was, and still is, a fascinating delight to watch this in action.

 

Number four is very mild in temperament, and he is having trouble integrating, but has made some positive inroads. He had anxiety issues as an infant and toddler, and these made it difficult for him to gradually "join" in the group dynamic, but he's figuring things out now (he turned 3 in November). Our fifth child would be considered HN if she weren't continuously carried/worn/addressed/in the middle of the action, but she is, so she's happy.

 

Our fifth is our only girl. This has again changed the dynamic of our family once again, and in a very different way; it's been totally awesome!

 

So, for those who just think having a 3rd would be too hard, rather than choosing two because it completes your family, I just wanted to offer that this is not necessarily so. Five is easier than two, for me. Waaay easier. I've adapted in ways I couldn't have with two, and the children bring their own personalities and "magic" to the mix, the beauty and richness of which cannot be underestimated, imo. I have seen in friends' families that the struggles that concern them about having a third, just don't pan out that way when a third comes, because it's not like adding another of the same; it's like a whole new group, with new and enriched perspectives and experiences. Think of a musical duet inviting a second guitarist; it's not another guitar taking up more space and requiring an extra seat and room; it's a new group with a widened horizon: a paltry analogy, but gets the idea across, I hope. :)


Well, I've been absent for 8 months, and during that time, it turns out that I have completely transformed. You are all precious. Thank you for being here and sharing your lives. You are truly a gift. namaste.gif Jan. 23, 2012

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Old 01-19-2011, 11:45 AM
 
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Dh and I wanted 7 originally. I already had a child when we met and I wanted a large family. Then my 4th was traumatic due to preterm labor and 2 weeks in the NICU followed by a miscarriage and then my next pregnancy was very stressful due to having an amniotic band and feeling very disrespected and degraded during my delivery with a midwife I hadn't met prior to his birth. I thought after that we were done. Then when I had to pack up baby clothes I was so emotional and thinking how I wouldn't mind one more and then we had a surprise pregnancy that ended in twins and we had our 7 children. Even after thinking I was done after my 5th when the twins were born I no longer felt that my family was complete and dh really wanted one more. So we had our 8th. The pregnancy was hard. I think I had damage to my uterus during my c-section with the twins and my cervix wouldn't dilate after 2 weeks of contractions and I had other complications that necessitated another c-section. That clinched it for me. Regardless of whether we wanted more children I wouldn't put my body through a 3rd c-section and due to having vertical incisions with both I knew that would be in my future so we decided to do something permanent about it. I've been thinking a lot about another baby recently. My youngest is 29 months now and weaning and it's bittersweet. I have been thinking about adoption, but at the same time, I'm getting ready to go back to school on my path to becoming a midwife which I'm very passionate about. I'm working as a doula now and loving it. I know with another baby that would derail my plans for that, and I'm comfortable now with my family the way it is. 

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Old 01-19-2011, 07:59 PM
 
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Yeah... We've waffled around too. I am a teacher, and since forever I knew kids, kids, kids were in my future. DH was thinking 2. I was thinking a million. We had DS1 and the whole thing totally kicked my butt. He was a very intense baby (and toddler, and now 1st grader) and I was totally unprepared for the constant-ness of it. It took me quite a while to agree to #2, and when I did, I have to say it was with some serious reluctance. My boys are 4 years apart, in part because I didn't know if I wanted more. Of course, DS2 is wonderful and we love his little self to bits. In all this, my husband really discovered that being a father is who he is and has found that he just LOVES the kid stuff and he really is a total partner in parenting doing as much as he can and he is an amazing father and is just thrilled to have a crazy house full of kid life, but we have done a complete 180- HE would have a herd of them, I'M thinking 2 is cool.

 

We're *thinking* about 3. Both of us are kind of mourning the idea of no more little babies, but we both also know that 3 would be a challenge right now for multiple reasons- money, space, etc. And, I'm not getting any younger, so this decision can't wait years.

 

I don't know what will happen. But I DO know that 3 would be IT! Due to certain issues, I've had 2 c-sections and another would be a section as well and I'd have my tubes tied while they were in there.

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