Okay, it's not like I make a habit of watching violent television or movies, but occasionally a violent scene will pop up. My son gets *hysterical* even if the violence isn't overtly loud. For example, someone using really cruel language will get him upset. I was listening to a book on disc not too long ago and there was a fairly violent scene in it; I didn't think Eli was even paying attention, because he was in the next room playing with his toys but when it started to get really scary he came flying out to me. I picked him up and he was crying and very upset, but calmed down quickly when I offered him a breast and covered his ears.
I would have said that he didn't understand the words, but I've watched him respond and there's more to it than just the tone of voice; he is genuinely upset by upsetting speech.
I guess my question is, how sensitive is your child to violence? Should I spend all my time trying to shelter him from it (which is what I've been trying to do)? If so, for how long? Will his sensitivity to even mild verbal altercations last his entire lifetime?
Originally posted by CK'sMama Let me get this right... You're saying that he is upset by the words themselves, regardless of how they are spoken?
Well, unless someone has spoken to him harshly or scared him while using certain words, I don't see why it would upset him if the tone isn't angry. Words are words, and if spoken in normal tones kids shouldn't be bothered by them because to the child it is just another word that they don't know the meaning of yet unless they have heard them before. KWIM?
That's just it.. he *does* seem to understand the words themselves. I'm not sure where he has heard them all, but my sister and her "babydaddy" have loud fights and I'm sure he's heard some words there... he also has a really remarkable and quick grasp of new vocabulary, and recognizes words he's heard before even in different context.
Well, I find it hard to imagine that the tone of the words isn't the key factor here. What context would you hear "violent" words delivered in a neutral or happy way?
I most definitely believe that children pick up on the general mood. DH and I have had arguements over this. He likes to watch movies and sometimes there are scenes where people are communicating in a *very* dysfunctional way. Lots of yelling, etc. DH seems to think that DD doesn't know what they are saying so what's the harm, or sometimes I think he takes it for granted that she knows it's not real. Even in the context of funny movies where couples are screaming at each other I personally find it very disquieting.
Children are very sensitive to mood and tone. So I am not surprised at Eli's reactions.
As for your question, I hope to shelter my daughter from unhealthy dialogue and relationships for at least the first few years of her life, when the neurological patterns are being set down in her brain. I'm hoping that, surrounded by models of healthy communication and respectful disagreement, this will become her "default" knee-jerk (reflexive) reaction, and then when exposed to the realities of many peoples' relationships she will recognize it as "not normal".
Originally posted by Piglet68 Well, I find it hard to imagine that the tone of the words isn't the key factor here. What context would you hear "violent" words delivered in a neutral or happy way?
I think I can explain by using something else that upset Eli without using particularly violent language: There's a scene in 'The Fellowship of the Ring' where the Fellowship is just leaving Rivendell. While the overall feeling isn't violent, there is a sense of dread in the air. When I was reading the book out loud to him, and I got to the point where they were leaving, he became immediately distressed. It certainly wasn't my tone of voice that did it, but the words themselves... he understood that something dangerous/disturbing was going on. Does that make sense? It's not just things that are overtly violent, but anything that might inspire dread, woe, fear, etc.
I find that I even need to be careful which children's movies they watch. Toy Story scares the crap out of DS, for example. For us a G rating doesn't mean that it's going to be appropriate for them. I just don't think that they are able to understand that it's not real. I won't watch the news while my kids are awake, & I've even started turning down the radio news if there's something even vaguely disturbing on. I check the pictures in the newpaper before leaving it laying around- these days there's always horrible photos on at least several pages.
Sheltering them too much? Maybe. But I figure they've got enough time to learn about the nasty ways of the world. I'm losing control of what DD watches anyway, now that she's at school & goes to friends houses, & they have Playstation at the afterschool care program (
- aren't they supposed to be playing or doing their homework, or something?!?!?!)
eilonwy: it really doesn't surprise me. Eli is obviously a very special child and given his achievements in other areas I would not be surprised to learn he is equally sensitive and in tune with such things. Quite a boy you have there!
Yep, I (as usual--hee!) have to agree with Piglet!
I think some kids are more "emotionally" intelligent. Mine has started using the word 'scary' in these cases. "That scary, mommy?" Even if it's just intense music, or something. There was some pretty dark stuff on Winnie the Pooh the other day--lots of long shadows and eery music--we don't normally watch that and Sam was saying it was 'scary.' Some of his friends wouldn't have flinched.
And yeah, they will have their entire lives to experience violence in the media---we are trying to stave that off as long as possible.
Hm. I guess it's kind of funny to say, but I always figured that he was emotionally right on target for age even though he's definately ahead intellectually.
Eli also gets upset by really intense music; I got "Rite of Spring" out of the library and couldn't listen to it because Eli got so upset. Yeah, it's pretty intense, but he's still a baby... I guess I figured that as long as I kept the volume fairly low, it'd be okay. I guess my little man is much more of a person than I expect him to be... I don't even know why I expect him to be a baby, only that I do.
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