Gifts I would not use, would you say something before hand? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 43 Old 03-16-2011, 07:44 PM
 
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This is what I do most times. If there is an invite to a party where we may get gifts I like to have something generic in it like 'We are planning a pastel country theme for this baby.'  or maybe 'Our little princess would love lace & ruffles to show off in' might work better in your case -- give them something of an idea that is not what you hate KWIM?

 

I always donate the things I won't use to the crisis pregnancy center.

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Originally Posted by Shaki View Post

I'd just smile and nod and then donate or return the gift. If there are other parents in your family who dress their girls in those kinds of clothes I think it would be taken as insulting or judgmental if you told them that you will not dress your DD in those clothes. It's more gracious to just accept the gift and then dispose of it however you wish.



 

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#32 of 43 Old 03-17-2011, 02:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post

I would continue with your present method of graciously accepting & then donating to charity for the most part, BUT if there are close family/friends who will likely be regularly giving gifts to you/your child, then I would at least let them know. It doesn't have to be a big announcement or anything, just a casual/joking/venting/whatever worked into your conversations... but I know I'd hate to continually give someone gifts they can't or won't use.

One of my friends casually said something about not wanting her girl to wear all pink. She wasn't dropping hints or anything, just mentioning it, but when it came time to find a gift for her baby, I was really glad to know about the pink thing and selected the clothing very carefully...


ITA.  I tried to gently tell DH's aunt that I'm not a fan of perfume/smelly lotion (it actually makes me physically ill and it's much worse during pregnancy).  She's gotten me stuff in the past that I never used and I just hated seeing her spend money on me for something that would get thrown away.  I told her if she wanted to get a present for me I'd be happier if she got DD clothes because it's something she always needs or books.  I've also tried to gush over some of the presents she's given to DD that were a good match. 

 

I'd personally like to know others preferences also.  We're not very big gift givers, though, but if I do get a gift for someone I try and get something that I think they'd actually use. 

 



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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I think what everyone is saying only works when the girl is a baby. As soon as she is old enough to have an opinion about her clothes, there's the possibility that she'll open something and LOVE it. Then you have a whole little power thing with your child. This can happen pretty darn young.

 

I don't know what the answer is. I know I went through this with my mother, and I know several other parents who have. But this isn't just a "baby" problem. In some ways, it seems simplier to be clear during the baby stage, because not doing so risks having the toddler drama of removing clothing from a child's wardrobe that they like, and then later having moments where they unwrap clothes and then they tell everyone that you, the mean mommy, aren't going to let them keep it anyway.  That's really not how any one wants to hear that you've been getting rid of their gifts for years.

 

 


Very good point.  We've had this problem with the in-laws but we were living so close by at the time we couldn't just give away the toy because they would ask about it constantly.  What we did was just let DD at it and play with it in whatever way she wanted= the toy was broken almost immediately! redface.gif

 

We also do a lot of gushing over clothes since that's the one thing we always want for DD. We also always ask for books but the in-laws are apparently allergic to buying them (and complain that DD already has way too many anyways). eyesroll.gif

 

 

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#33 of 43 Old 03-18-2011, 09:54 AM
 
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If they were close family or friends I would probably say something in a nice way. A lot of people just don't get why we choose do do things a certain way!

 

My mom knows that we don't do Hanna Montana and those other tween shows. She saw a pair of ICarly shoes and bought them for my oldest DD anyway. You really couldn't tell they were ICarly except for the writing on the inside of the shoe and a small charm (which couldn't be removed). I tried explaining to my mom and my oldest niece that by wearing these items, you are basically saying you support this show and the values and message that it puts across. Neither one of them seemed to understand that and thought they were "just shoes". I said, "Would you wear a t-shirt that says "I love Satan" to church because it was just a shirt??" LOL They thought I was nuts.

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#34 of 43 Old 03-18-2011, 05:37 PM
 
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It is difficult for me to create family "problems" by protesting certain gifts. The primary example being that my sister-in-law gives my DD cross jewelry and new testament bibles every time we see them, even though it is extremely clear that we are not christians.  I give said stuff to my next door neighbors, who are practicing Catholics.  I could protest but I think it would create a definite problem, so I choose the other route.  Sometimes you (as in me) have to choose a method which maintains the delicate family balance.  Rejecting said gifts or talking about it would create more problems than graciously accepting and then deciding what to with them.  


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#35 of 43 Old 03-18-2011, 10:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post

It is difficult for me to create family "problems" by protesting certain gifts. The primary example being that my sister-in-law gives my DD cross jewelry and new testament bibles every time we see them, even though it is extremely clear that we are not christians.  I give said stuff to my next door neighbors, who are practicing Catholics.  I could protest but I think it would create a definite problem, so I choose the other route.  Sometimes you (as in me) have to choose a method which maintains the delicate family balance.  Rejecting said gifts or talking about it would create more problems than graciously accepting and then deciding what to with them.  



I guess it depends on the dynamics within a certain family.

 

If it was a one time gift from someone that didn't see my kids that often, I wouldn't be as likely to say anything. But if it's a person that regularly gets them gifts, or like my mom and Grandma that like to go to garage sales and pick up stuff (which totally doesn't bother me as long as it's in good condition), I don't want them wasting a bunch of money on stuff that is just going to get given away. It really doesn't bother me if people tell me they don't want certain characters or themes in stuff that is bought for their kids. I would rather that they tell me so I'm not spending money on something they are going to toss. But I realize that not every person/family feels that way, so it really is an individual decision.

 

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#36 of 43 Old 03-20-2011, 08:46 AM
 
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A gift is a gift. Be greatfull and move on. Think of all the people in the world who have no choice, no one who cares, no money, no nothing. If you trully don't like it return it or donate it. I have a policy, if a person is picky about the gifts I get them, I stop getting them, if a person doesn't like it and donates it, then its no big deal, but to say something or demand gifts that fit your (general) views is ungreatful and rude.


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#37 of 43 Old 03-20-2011, 01:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post

I figure if anyone gives me things that say that (this baby is a girl!) then I can smile and be nice and give it to charity later. That has always seemed the right way to handle it. 


nod.gif

 

in my experience i have learnt not to say anything. i tried to change and actually tell them. however i have come to the conclusion that there are two kinds of people in the world. those who can choose the right gift and those who cant. i have found that no matter what guidelines i give if they dont have a clue no matter what they try to give, i dont like their gift. its not a fault or judgement. it is what it is. 

 

so i have learnt to follow your philosophy. 

 


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#38 of 43 Old 03-22-2011, 03:22 AM
 
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My brother and SIL bought a kind of chocolate that isn't available in the States from elsewhere and gave it to cousins. Teens/young adults. Their response? Yuck! Who eats that! My SIL was shocked. She carries something all the way just for them, and THAT is the reaction? If they were my kids or even my kid sisters, not younger cousins, I would have dearly liked to slap them, or ground them. I understand a 4 year old talking like that and that just calls for gentle discipline. 14 and 20 year olds? A whack on the head with a rolled up newspaper, I'd say. Point is, if older people complain about gifts they get, that's just bratty. Unless this is a person likely to come around often and ask to see the child playing with their gift, quietly donate it/exchange it. So many kids have nothing and I am sure they'll love to have it.

 

If someone asks for your preferences and still gets something else, it could just mean that they couldn't find anything they liked with your specs, but didn't want to come empty-handed. Give them the benefit of doubt.


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#39 of 43 Old 03-23-2011, 08:04 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post

But, I am wondering if I am wrong in how I would handle that, if I should perhaps tell people early on that we will not allow our daughter to wear things like that. I know I see things like that on my nieces all the time. The major part of me feels like a gift is a gift (I do not even register) and that I should just be happy and smile and know its the thought that counts regardless.

 

What do you think?


I think there is pretty much no possible way to bring this up without having it sound like a dig at your nieces' parents and their choices. Keep quiet, donate, and save the whole family from unintended drama.
 

 

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#40 of 43 Old 03-23-2011, 08:21 AM
 
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#41 of 43 Old 03-23-2011, 08:26 AM
 
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Originally Posted by camracrazy View Post

If they were close family or friends I would probably say something in a nice way. A lot of people just don't get why we choose do do things a certain way!

 

 

This is what we do!

 

 Usually before getting a gift family will check in to find out whatever the kids current preferences are, and usually I help them out with some suggestions I know the kids would love, or just refer them to a few of our favorite websites. If they were to send a gift that we don't allow in our house, or just something that's not really age-appropriate we would donate it.


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#42 of 43 Old 03-28-2011, 06:21 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaki View Post

I'd just smile and nod and then donate or return the gift. If there are other parents in your family who dress their girls in those kinds of clothes I think it would be taken as insulting or judgmental if you told them that you will not dress your DD in those clothes. It's more gracious to just accept the gift and then dispose of it however you wish.


Exactly.  No nice way to ask them not to buy your child things they buy for their own children!  It is insulting and better left unsaid.  If they ASK you what to get or what not to get, you can offer up some ideas in the most polite way possible. 
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post

Honestly, I think you are overthinking things.  Just because they put that stuff on their kids doesn't automatically mean they will give it to you. 

 

 

I think saying something ahead of time is going to make a bigger deal out of it than it has to be.  If I bought my niece something with Disney Princesses on it, and I never saw her in it, it's likely I wouldn't even notice, and even if I did, I am not going to say anything.  BUT, if my brother came to me and said something like-Hey, we know you love Disney Princesses but we don't believe in the commercialism that represents so please stick to wooden toys (or whatever variation thereof,) I would be somewhat offended, irritated, and would be regularly rolling my eyes behind his back. 


Agreed.  My dd3 loved Dora and had a Dora dollhouse and pjs, etc.  I don't think I ever bought anything Dora as a gift though - as who knows if that kid happened to be "into" Dora or not.  And I am adamantly against words on the butt of pants - but wouldn't say that to anyone who was about to come to my dd's party.  If someone happened to get that (which seems odd and unlikely) I'd politely thank them and explain to my dd (later, not in front of people) why we were not going to use it.
 

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Originally Posted by Mama Mko View Post

It is never polite to tell people what types of gifts they can't give to you or or your kids. It's rude and presumptious. Just accept the gift and thank them then get rid of it or just don't have the baby wear it.


Yep.
 

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Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post

There is one thing I could say that would probably head off the shirts that say these things....our babies have had skin problems and cannot wear polyester.


Much of the stuff you don't like also comes in cotton so I don't think that solves your issue at all.
 

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Originally Posted by beebalmmama View Post


Yeah that. No reason to create bad feelings among family if you don't have to.
 


I agree.  To avoid a minor issue - exchanging or donating a gift you don't personally like - you will very likely cause a much bigger issue.  Having friends and family in your children's lives - people who care about them - is SO much more important than whether they give your child an Ariel t-shirt vs. wooden toys.  Don't risk one for the other.



 

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#43 of 43 Old 03-29-2011, 04:49 PM
 
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I think you're doing the right thing... smile when you get it and then give it to charity. If you tell people in advance it might come off as judgmental, especially if they allow their kids to wear that type of stuff. Just my opinion FWIW. smile.gif
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