They spent a night at HER house!!!!!! - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-14-2011, 05:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, breath....

So my ex- the father of my two sons and I broke up over a year ago. When I say broke up, I mean- he left me about six months pregnant and moved in with his sister and never came back home. Mind you, he left me with a rent of $1300 to pay by myself and until now...I never went through filing for child support...but still, that's neither here nor there.

He has visitations where he takes my son for the weekend or overnight on Fridays. When he started seeing this woman- on his first date, he was kissing this woman in front of my four year old and I found out, he took my four year old to her house. I, was pissed, but I tried to be mature and I said, if my son was going to spend time over there- then I needed to meet her...you know what he tells me-- she doesn't think it's necessary. This woman has a 10 yr. old and a 5 year old and she doesn't see the importance of of me meeting her if she has been/is going to be around my son.

Okay, let's fast forward to last weekend...aka the last effing straw. Not only does my ex move in with this woman - but come to find out he takes my four year old there, my son spends the night at this woman's house and that isn't even the worse part...do you know where my son spent the night????? ON THE FLOOR WITH HER FIVE YEAR OLD PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WHILE MY EX AND HIS GIRLFRIEND ARE SLEEPING IN BED. Everyone is in ONE ROOM!!!!!!

Okay, moms? Is my rage unjustified????? I called him demanding to know why the hell my son was on floor - number one? Why they hell was he sleeping over there without a conversation with me- number two? Number three- why weren't the boys, at the very least, in a separate room?????????? I pay $1300 a month and my son has his own room, his own bed, own tv, his OWN. Why the hell would you take him from his comfy environment and put him to sleep on a floor??????He tells me "It's a long story...." I called him a loser and hung up.

I am going to file for full physical custody of my boys asap. Do I have a case? I'm not saying he can't see my son- he can. But no over night stay's. My ex has flawed judgement and based on his girlfriend, who put her own son on the floor to lay up in bed with a man, her judgement as a mom is flawed as well and I don't want my son in that environment. I don't know what the woman looks like, where she lives, I don't even have a last name--what if there is a situation and I need to come get my son?????????Please help with any advice. I am also looking for any numbers where I can consult with an attorney for free.

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Old 03-15-2011, 02:00 PM
 
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Chances are, he will get more visitation than he has now. Depending on the state, the judge may ask to see that he has a bed and all when he visits. But, he will also most likely have to pay child support. Some states will do joint custody all the time, short of there being HUGE proof of major problems. By major problems, I am talking way more than what is going on now. Other states will order home studies on both parents and go from there. You should google your state and custody and child support laws and find out what they are where you live. Good luck!

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Old 03-15-2011, 05:48 PM
 
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I would not allow my child to go back for any overnights either. If it was in a court order that he HAD to go, the  I would do one of two things: go to court and file for a hearing for a change in visitation, and then deny him overnight visits until the hearing, OR I would play it cool, send my child, and then call CPS on them while the child was over there. Around here if you don't have a bed for your child they will sometimes take the kids (and give your ds back to you) OR they will insist that you get one within a certain time frame. Either solution would be fine as long as it eliminated the possiblity of my kid sleeping on the FLOOR. That's ridiculous and I don't blame you for being upset.


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Old 03-15-2011, 08:48 PM
 
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I think the only thing a court will frown upon is the lack of a bed, though it is possible that the lack of adequate bedroom space for the children may be an issue.  I think that one of the terms for the visitation order could easily be that each child has a bed with adequate clean bedding when they are sleeping over, but I doubt his visitation will be changed from the schedule he has been doing now unless you get a very conservative judge to sign off on a clause that says neither of you can have overnight guests of the opposite sex when the kids are with you.  It is incredibly hard to get custody taken away and you sometimes judges frown upon parents pushing to have a child taken away.  I think approaching it from an angle of making sure your son's needs are met while they are in his care and for child support dating back to your child's birth plus a share of what you paid for the birth is going to be more successful in the long run.  Speak to a really good family law attorney though before going forward because each state is different and they know the judges in the area. 

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Old 03-15-2011, 09:17 PM
 
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There are some Judges around (don't ask me how I know) who will order that neither parent is to have overnight guests of the opposite sex while the child(ren) are in the house. This would include taking the kid to a girlfriend's house to spend the night as well as girlfriend coming to daddy's house to spend the night while the kid is there. However, if you dare go down this road and even ask for this clause be put in your court order, know that it goes both ways. Even if you've been seeing a guy for 5 years he cannot spend the night if your kid is there, unless/until you are married.

 

You need to talk to a lawyer and find out what the vibe is like in your area with Judges.


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Old 03-15-2011, 09:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beans4reezy View Post

Okay, breath....

So my ex- the father of my two sons and I broke up over a year ago. When I say broke up, I mean- he left me about six months pregnant and moved in with his sister and never came back home. Mind you, he left me with a rent of $1300 to pay by myself and until now...I never went through filing for child support...but still, that's neither here nor there.

He has visitations where he takes my son for the weekend or overnight on Fridays. When he started seeing this woman- on his first date, he was kissing this woman in front of my four year old and I found out, he took my four year old to her house. I, was pissed, but I tried to be mature and I said, if my son was going to spend time over there- then I needed to meet her...you know what he tells me-- she doesn't think it's necessary. This woman has a 10 yr. old and a 5 year old and she doesn't see the importance of of me meeting her if she has been/is going to be around my son.

Okay, let's fast forward to last weekend...aka the last effing straw. Not only does my ex move in with this woman - but come to find out he takes my four year old there, my son spends the night at this woman's house and that isn't even the worse part...do you know where my son spent the night????? ON THE FLOOR WITH HER FIVE YEAR OLD PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WHILE MY EX AND HIS GIRLFRIEND ARE SLEEPING IN BED. Everyone is in ONE ROOM!!!!!!

Okay, moms? Is my rage unjustified????? I called him demanding to know why the hell my son was on floor - number one? Why they hell was he sleeping over there without a conversation with me- number two? Number three- why weren't the boys, at the very least, in a separate room?????????? I pay $1300 a month and my son has his own room, his own bed, own tv, his OWN. Why the hell would you take him from his comfy environment and put him to sleep on a floor??????He tells me "It's a long story...." I called him a loser and hung up.

I am going to file for full physical custody of my boys asap. Do I have a case? I'm not saying he can't see my son- he can. But no over night stay's. My ex has flawed judgement and based on his girlfriend, who put her own son on the floor to lay up in bed with a man, her judgement as a mom is flawed as well and I don't want my son in that environment. I don't know what the woman looks like, where she lives, I don't even have a last name--what if there is a situation and I need to come get my son?????????Please help with any advice. I am also looking for any numbers where I can consult with an attorney for free.

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I think you are over reacting to a point.......if they spent one or two nights on the floor, IMO it is not a big deal.  If it was every week end I would feel different.  Did you think both kids might have been more comfortable this way?  Yes, kids can be perfectly content paying video games and sleeping together on the floor. Many fun sleep overs are done this way.  I have friends whose kids -- hers, his, and theirs do this on the living room floor on visitation weekend because it is fun.  Heck, I have had that in hotel rooms -- because it was a long story.  What if they had their own room and still slept on the floor or bed share because that is what kids their age do?  

 

I do think you need to lighten up on this "OWN" room stuff.  In reality requiring own room verses own bed could bite you in your arse.  What if you loose that apartment that gives him his "own" room and he has to share?  I do not feel having a "owness" equals happiness or better for kids. I also think this is a touch of classism.  You can afford this, maybe barely but it is your decision that does not make room sharing bad.  The worse thing that could happen to your child is to have a court order tell him were he can and cannot sleep if the environment is safe -- the floor is not inherently unsafe. Some people actually prefer the floor.  My niece and nephew have Japanese Futons on the floor.  This week end I will have 5, 12 to 14 year old girls sleeping on mine.   

 

You can establish rules about "living together" but beware you might be expected to live by the same rules.  Do you want to have to introduce every boyfriend to your ex?  Do you want him to control who YOU share your home with.  It is ok to control the "flow" of partners and setting some limits but one girl friend in a year isn't that bad (IMO). 

 

Your post sound like you are still very angry at your ex -- name calling is verbal abuse and only begets worse behavior.  Worse yet, it can come back to haunt you.  I completely understand that anger but you need to address it to yourself, and learn to suck up that your ex is with a new partner. You resent your ex is moving on, that is ok and completely understandable.  Also, try not to pump, even accidently information from your child about his visits with dad.  With your strong reaction -- even if you tried to hide it-- one of two things could occur.  Your child learns not to talk to you, and you are the party pooper, or he can learn to play you off his dad (vice versa).  

 

Also remember these are not just your kids but his also.  He is going to parent them in the fashion he wants.  You just have to learn to accept it.  Unless it is truly abusive and unsafe.  

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Old 03-15-2011, 10:55 PM
 
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Didn't read all the responses but... in my state the standard visitation schedule I believe is every other weekend, alternating holidays and 2 weeks in the summer (or maybe 4 - 2 at the beginning and 2 at the end I can't remember). So that would be more visitation but child support would be mandatory. In my state it's 22% of his income for 2 kids. Everything else depends on how the papers are written up. Some things to note: I've seen a lot of papers say the child support PLUS half of childcare costs. Also that he pays half of all medical and/or school expenses on top of the other stuff. Some moms have medicaid or state insurance for the kids but this clause is still in there so that dad is responsible for half of any additional costs if something came up. Good to have in there. As far as the other woman... My cousin (and I've seen others do it too) had a clause in her papers that said that no one of the opposite sex, other than family members, could co-habitat with the children around. Meaning he can't live with his 'girlfriend' and have the kids there. He'd have to get married before another woman could be around the kids. That may be something you can do if you are concerned. This also helps to keep either person from having people coming in and out of the kids lives while they're dating. Just a thought if you are concerned that may be something you can do.

 

 

Oh and in my state it's important to note in the papers that 'mother claims child on tax return'. Although the person the children live with is the one to file it having it in the divorce papers is additional support if something was an issue down the road. And if you are concerned about the children's safety in his care (it doesn't sound like you want to keep him from having visitation but...) here we can put in 'reasonable visitation' for the visitation schedule. The wording is very careful because 'reasonable visitation' means you can let dad get them any time you want but he has no real documented time with them so if something causes it to be unsafe for him to get them or there is a serious issue you don't have to allow the visitation and it's harder for them to fight. That is tough to get though unless you can prove that there may be an issue or they will willing sign the papers with it in there.


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Old 03-16-2011, 07:37 AM
 
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I think that you're overreacting to the floor issue, but the not-knowing-where-she-lives issue would freak me out pretty badly.  I would definitely want the house address and landline phone number (cell phone are nice - but they can run out of power, get left in a coat pocket while set to vibrate, etc.) before there were any more sleepovers.
 

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Originally Posted by Beans4reezy View Post

I don't know what the woman looks like, where she lives, I don't even have a last name--what if there is a situation and I need to come get my son?????????
 



 


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Old 03-16-2011, 09:14 AM
 
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Were you and Dad married? If not, the "no overnights" clause is unlikely to have feet. Nor is the lack of a bed for visitation. As angry as it might make you, those really are not going to cause Dad to lose overnights. Sorry.

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Old 03-16-2011, 09:59 AM
 
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do you know where my son spent the night????? ON THE FLOOR WITH HER FIVE YEAR OLD PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WHILE MY EX AND HIS GIRLFRIEND ARE SLEEPING IN BED. 

 

Do you mean that the children spent the night playing video games instead of sleeping, while the adults slept? Because that's a different problem.

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Old 03-18-2011, 01:09 AM
 
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I slept on the floor a lot at sleepovers... as he is not living with him, i think you are over reacting a bit. How does your son feel about all this? Doers he like his father's girlfriend? Does he mind sleeping n the floor? Is he uncomfortable there, or upset when he comes back? Personally I don't think not having his own bed is the end of the world for one night a week. Did he at least have a blanket and pillows, maybe sleeping on a palette?

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Old 03-18-2011, 08:08 AM
 
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 And if you went to the judge with "He slept over at HER house and my son slept on the floor"

 

HE might very well say "I became ill on a visit to my girlfriends home and I thought it was safer to stay then to put my kids in danger and drive home"

 

You can ask for a new clause about no overnight guests, but that means BOTH of you can not have overnight guests, not just him.

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Old 03-18-2011, 11:09 AM
 
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The problem is, anything you ask for will usually go both ways. So if you need landlines to every place he takes your children, he will have the right to the same thing from you. See what I am saying? Of course, it is different from state to state, but that is the usual. You will have to ask your lawyer.

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Old 03-18-2011, 03:23 PM
 
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I think I would hate, hate, hate that if I was still really po'd at the ex for leaving and whatever led to it.  But none of it sounds abusive or neglectful and it might be perfectly fine.  I guess my biggest concern would be about what sort of relationship he has with the girlfriend, ie, is it a committed likely to be long-term relationship or is there likely to be a new woman every couple of months.  But I'm not even sure if you have any say regarding who he has your child around as long as there's no safety concern.  I'm sorry you're going through this though.  I can imagine being in your shoes right now would be so frustrating.


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Old 03-20-2011, 09:25 AM
 
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OP, I can understand you being angry and resentful towards your ex. However, for the sake of the children you have to start learning to let that go. Anger can cloud your judgement and you may find yourself saying or doing things that will unintentionally be hurtful to the well being of your sons. The sleeping on the floor wouldn't bother me unless the child complained they were cold or something like that. When I was a kid I loved sleeping on the floor at a friends house because it wasn't something I regularly got to do at home.

 

I personally would want to meet the person where my child is spending time and the person my child is spending time with but as pp's said that has to work both ways. I'd also want to know where she lives and the phone number where our child is staying. That's something I'd bring up again. Since you called him a loser and hung up on him, I'm assuming the communication between you two hasn't been the best? If that's the case, he may feel like meeting the new girlfriend is going to be a recipe for disaster.

 

I'd also like to gently ask why you haven't gone through with the child support. On one hand you complained about the rent he left you paying with but on the other he's not offering support and you're not following through with him being financially responsible for the children. I  believe things like support and the agreed upon custodial agreement should be filed with the courts. Personally, I'd take care of this ASAP especially while you're in agreement with the current visitation schedule which should be fair to you both.

 

Please be careful OP. I know people who have let their anger against their ex fester so badly that they end up using the child to get back at the person who hurt them so badly. In those situations, the person who's hurt the most is the child. Your ex has moved on and while he may not do everything the way you do it, be careful to not nitpick about things that are not truly causing your child harm or endangering his welfare emotionally or physically.

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Old 03-20-2011, 12:30 PM
 
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It sounds like a sleepover. Many kids think it's fun to sleep on the floor and stay up playing video games with another child.

I think you and you ex ought to go court and nail some things down, and set some rules. I doubt that all of it will be how you want it to be, but I think clear rules will avoid fighting with your ex, and therefore make thing better for your child.

Over the long haul, i think that digging in you heels over the "no sleepover with your girlfriend" will end up unfair to you. You will meet some one special, and your child spends a lot more nights with you than with your ex.

But I do think it's reasonable for a child to have a bed of their own at their other parents' home if they are doing regular overnight visits.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 03-20-2011, 12:53 PM
 
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First, you're going to need to find out the address somehow so he can be summoned to court for child support (you really should have filed this long ago).

This is not a case where full custody will probably happen.  There are no red flags except the bed issue and that's really only a small blip.

The no sleepovers rule won't hold up since he is already living with this woman.  It's not a sleepover anymore.  It's every day life.  He will need to provide a bed though for these weekends or even a pull out couch will do.

Does he take the baby?  He will need to provide a crib or pack 'n play for the baby to sleep in as well.


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Old 03-20-2011, 03:17 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beans4reezy View Post

Okay, let's fast forward to last weekend...aka the last effing straw. Not only does my ex move in with this woman - but come to find out he takes my four year old there, my son spends the night at this woman's house and that isn't even the worse part...do you know where my son spent the night????? ON THE FLOOR WITH HER FIVE YEAR OLD PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WHILE MY EX AND HIS GIRLFRIEND ARE SLEEPING IN BED. Everyone is in ONE ROOM!!!!!!

Okay, moms? Is my rage unjustified????? I called him demanding to know why the hell my son was on floor - number one? Why they hell was he sleeping over there without a conversation with me- number two? Number three- why weren't the boys, at the very least, in a separate room?????????? I pay $1300 a month and my son has his own room, his own bed, own tv, his OWN. Why the hell would you take him from his comfy environment and put him to sleep on a floor??????He tells me "It's a long story...." I called him a loser and hung up.
 

scared.gif you didnt even give him a chance to explain anything?!!!! u shut him up and called him names. NO NO NO NO mama.

 

sorry mama. while i totally can understand your anger nope this was not a wise thing to do at all. a big NO NO in my book. 

 

you are making a huge issue out of something that is not big at all. 

 

its time you listened to everyone around you - including the mamas here and find a way to heal from the hurt. 

 

you are carrying too much anger and hurt and its affecting your children. 
 

if you went to a friends house for a sleepover would u call him up and tell him where his son is?

 

same room. not a big deal. sleep on teh floor. not a big deal. perhaps you can afford 1300 for a separate for your son. many cant. 

 

your emotions are affecting your logic. time to step back and do something about it. because ultimately it will affect your son. 


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Old 03-20-2011, 05:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beans4reezy View Post

My ex has flawed judgement and based on his girlfriend, who put her own son on the floor to lay up in bed with a man, her judgement as a mom is flawed as well and I don't want my son in that environment. I don't know what the woman looks like, where she lives, I don't even have a last name--what if there is a situation and I need to come get my son?????????Please help with any advice. I am also looking for any numbers where I can consult with an attorney for free.  


Back to your OP --

 

1. Legal Aid. Use your phone book and start making some class. Look under the "helpful numbers" section.

 

2. Unless your ex has abused you or your kids, his flawed judgment doesn't really matter. Pretty much every one thinks their ex has flawed judgment.

 

3. It doesn't matter at all what she looks like or what her name is or what you think of her parenting. Unless she abuses your kids, I mean the legal definition of abuse, it just doesn't matter what you think of her. She is nothing to you. You don't need to meet her, any more than you need to make sure that your ex gets to check out men you date. 

 

4. You do need basic contact information for your kids' father, including his current address and phone number.

 

5. I can't think of a situation where you would need to suddenly go get your child in the middle of a planned visit. Why would you need to do that?   If you did, a cell phone is a better bet, they might have gone out to eat or to a park or something.

 

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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