"Don't have any more kids, please!" - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 07:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Moms of many - what do you say when someone says this to you?  I have 4 kids, and they are all wonderful and we enjoy them, and yes, life is busy, but not hard.  We love it!  Yet sometimes neighbors/acquaintances say this to me, and it shocks me every time.  I think sometimes they say it b/c my kids are young, and these people "know" it will be so much harder when they are older, but I don't know if that is for sure true (I suspect it depends on the family.)  If I have more kids is not their business, and it shocks me that they would beg me to not have more.  WTH?

 

I need a good comeback, and then maybe a non-provocative reply, too.


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#2 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 07:38 AM
 
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Wow. I've never had anyone say this to me. OMG. That is a horribly rude thing to say to someone.  If someone said this to me, whether neighbor/ aquant/relative or 'friend', I would reply

"That is a hurtful and mean thing to say, whether you meant it to be or not. My children are amazing and the world is blessed to have them, as am I. I am grateful for every moment I am given." I've used this reply in different forms for alot of comments... I have a little 'stash' of comebacks at the ready. Rarely am I at a loss, thanks to my mama-years and experiences LOL.

 

I've gotten to the point in my life where I really don't concern myself with how others 'take' the things I say~ especially if it is obvious they do not concern themselves with my feelings.

I'm sorry, Mama, that people have said this to you. ((( hugs))).

It never ceases to amaze me what people think is acceptable conversation...

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#3 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 07:40 AM
 
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I'm only a mom of 3, and that must be the acceptable limit because no one has ever said that to me!  But wow, I can't believe people say that at all!  What an insensitive, and frankly odd, thing to say! 

 

I obviously don't have a tried and true response, but I'd love to be a fly on the wall if you just looked genuinely concerned -- as if there might be some germane information they have to impart -- and asked them "Oh!  Why not?" mischievous.gif

 

I suppose that's kind of passive aggressive, but it might help people see how it's just a knee-jerk reaction on their part.  If they do give you a reason ("You'll wear yourself out!"), you could then address that specific issue.  ("Well, we're tired, but we're happy.  We've always wanted a large family.") 

 

Just some ideas from someone who would also be shocked to be confronted that way.  Can't wait to hear what some BTDT moms have to say...

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#4 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 07:48 AM
 
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I only have two kids but I love what Martha Sears would say when people would criticize her "The world needs my kids."

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#5 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 08:22 AM
 
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I only have 3 so far so I do not get these type of comments much, but I do have a friend who is pregnant with her 7th, and her oldest is 10.  So I asked her if she gets these comments, and she said she responds with something like "Do you think that I am such a bad mother that we should not welcome every child who is waiting to come to our family?" She says she has not had anyone willing to continue to insult her by saying that they do find her a bad parent, and that closes the conversation.

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#6 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 08:34 AM
 
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I would probably stare at them in shocked disbelief at their rudeness and hope they get the point. Or I might say something snarky like "Why? It's not like we're asking you to help care for them."

I recently had my first really negative experience. I went into heart failure after delivering the second baby, and spent the first two-and-a-half months of their lives up in bed. So picture this-- it's winter, we're stir crazy, and we need OUT. DH drops us all off in front of Borders so he can park the car. I'm holding a baby, my daughter is holding a baby, my oldest is holding the second youngest's hand, and my third is holding the diaper bag. No one is screaming or yelling; everyone is being cooperative. This woman I do not know starts interrogating me:

Are they all yours? All of them? Wait, you have a baby? Two? TWINS?!?!? Oh my God. Better you than me.

I was so tired and exhausted and angry, I didn't say anything. greensad.gif But when we got away, I did tell my children how wonderful they are.

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#7 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 08:47 AM
 
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I get this a lot along with such rich variations on it as"do your kids have the same father?" and "I bet you've learned your lesson now" and "are you sure you know what you're doing."

 

It is mainly because I look so young.

 

I'm pretty fed up with people and their nosiness so I usually say flat out, "that's not really your business, is it?" Once, to an older lady who kept going on and on about how I should have stopped at one and didn't I know about birth control blah blah blah I just blurted out, "which one of my kids is the one who shouldn't be alive then?"

 

And I only have two.

 

Oh and another one, the lady thought I was 16, and said some pretty rude, age-biased things to me, and I listened politely and then said, "Well, I don't believe that about teenage mothers. I try to support them. I'm 23 and I've been revolving my life around my children since the day I got pregnant, so I know it can be done, I just try to encourage teen moms to rearrange their priorities too" etc etc. When I was done she looked really shocked and said, "oh! I just assumed you were a teen mom." And then I smiled and said, "well, you know what they say about assuming...." LOL

 

 


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#8 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 09:09 AM
 
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I said it to a family once.

 

But, in all fairness, they were terrible parents.  It was as if they just got "knocked up" because they were too drunk to think ahead.  Their kids were destroying our property, and they were not delightful kids.  Sure, the parents "enjoyed" them.. but, nobody else did.    There are some people who should never become parents..much less over and over again.

 

I would never dream of saying it to the involved loving good parents though.  I have a girlfriend with eight kids.  She had six, and her husband was killed, then when she remarried, they had two more kids... I couldn't understand why she'd want to... (her first six kids were grown) but, she was a wonderful mother.. all of her kids were delightful, she parented eight kids better than I parented one... AND her body looked fantastic even after 8 kids.  I hate her a little.winky.gif

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#9 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 09:12 AM
 
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Quote:
Oh my God. Better you than me.

 

That's exactly right, lady.  Better Annette than you.

 

 


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#10 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 09:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post

 

 

That's exactly right, lady.  Better Annette than you.

 

 


lol.gif I have said that on occasion.

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#11 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 09:35 AM
 
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I have 3 and my MIL has told us more than once "No more!"  Makes me want to get pregnant again just to spite her.  She also reamed DH up one side and down the other when we told her about #3.  She thought it was an accident and berated him for not using protection.  Except it was planned, and protection kinda makes that difficult.

 

I just told her "Well, we're not planning anymore, but nothing permanent has been done yet."  That's actually my standard reply when people ask if we're having more.  And it's true.


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#12 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 09:59 AM
 
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I think people have a sort of unwitting "savior" complex when they say stuff like that.  Whether it's saving the enviroment, or "saving" you from yourself, assuming you're too dumb to realize that more than 2 or 3 is an impossible, ridiculous, insane number of children to raise.

 

I *cannot wait* to be pregnant again (making it our 4th) because I have now had years of preparation for the comments and I am *so* ready for some goober to say something to me.

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#13 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 10:31 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post

 

 

That's exactly right, lady.  Better Annette than you.

 

 




lol.gif I have said that on occasion.



My sister has twins~ now 22!!! And when people said that she'd always reply. "YES! Best ME, not you! I'm the lucky one!"

People can be so horrible.

It seemed my pregnancy with #4 was the golden ticket for the 'you're pregnant AGAIN? ' comments. Odd, because we went through IF with all 3 of our others and had losses as well... even people who knew our history said crap. This Babe was the most amazing surprise of my life and every moment I thank God for his arrival and still can't believe he's here.

I have found that lots of rude commennts come from people who do not genuinely enjoy their children *shrug*, or their lives for that matter.

I HATE the "Are you done NOW?" Question. WTF! 

 


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#14 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 10:42 AM
 
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I'm normally a very polite person, but if someone said that to me, I think I would tell them to watch their mouth. Seriously, it is unbelievably rude to comment on someone's fertility. I would have no problem offending someone who said that, because, frankly I wouldn't want them in my life anyway.

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#15 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 10:45 AM
 
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I can't believe people say such rude things!

 

In case this restores anyone's faith in humanity, I was out with my two one day and an older man said, "You have such beautiful kids. You should have lots more, don't quit!" Also a bit personal, but at least he was being positive.  orngtongue.gif


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#16 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 11:04 AM
 
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I don't know why perfect strangers feel the need to make these sorts of comments. If you only have 1 kid, people are always asking when you're going to have more (because one can't possibly be enough). But 4 is "too many"? What's the perfect number for drawing no comments...2?


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#17 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 11:08 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CI Mama View Post

I don't know why perfect strangers feel the need to make these sorts of comments. If you only have 1 kid, people are always asking when you're going to have more (because one can't possibly be enough). But 4 is "too many"? What's the perfect number for drawing no comments...2?


Yes, and they need to be a boy and a girl and exactly 2.5 years apart.
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#18 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 11:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by scottishmommy View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by CI Mama View Post

I don't know why perfect strangers feel the need to make these sorts of comments. If you only have 1 kid, people are always asking when you're going to have more (because one can't possibly be enough). But 4 is "too many"? What's the perfect number for drawing no comments...2?




Yes, and they need to be a boy and a girl and exactly 2.5 years apart.


That's exactly what I have! Lol. I guess if/when I have more, I'll be chided for ruining my perfect family. eyesroll.gif


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#19 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 11:40 AM
 
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i get this all of the time now too cus i have a three year old and my twins.... they love saying "you have your hands full" but in a way that sounds almost demeaning.    we do actually plan on having a 4th and i love telling people "yup and we're gonna have one more"  lol!!! that really gets a look.  

 

the twins have made me realize just how rude people are though. some people seem kind and genuine but alot of people ask really inappropriate questions like if we used fertility meds, etc.   i am always astounded that a stranger would think its okay to ask someone that... ive started to just answer whatever comes to my mind for my own humor... :)

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#20 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 11:41 AM
 
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When I was pregnant with my third, an old "friend" of mine from HS said to another friend (via FB no less),  "Can you believe Angie is having ANOTHER kid?" My REAL friend said "yes, and I think it's awesome!" my "friend" said "but this makes THREE!!" 

 

I can't wait to tell him when we're trying for #4!

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#21 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 12:06 PM
 
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I just say back "oh, I am planning 6 more" and they usually might say something, but I just nod that I do plan on it.

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#22 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 12:08 PM
 
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I'm sorry, because that is unbelievably rude.  I think I too would be in the "oh my, why ever not??" camp.  Ugh.

 

My parents had eight children (I am the oldest), and people would often come up to ME and ask "oooh, do you like having so many siblings? so is this the last one? are your parents going to have more kids???"  Um, I DON'T KNOW, probably because I don't have an intimate knowledge of my parents' love life....... eyesroll.gif


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#23 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 12:11 PM
 
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I hate that.  I also have four kids, and I really would like to have one or two more.  I have no idea why in the heck people think it's appropriate to comment or say it's plenty, etc., what is it to them?  I'm not asking anyone else to parent these kids.  I can't imagine saying anything negative at all about the number of kids someone has, whether it's one or eight.  So rude!  I sometimes wonder if people are jealous, in a weird way.  Even if they themselves could never imagine more than two kids, maybe somewhere inside they wish they had the patience, finances, desire to have a bigger family.  I dunno. 

 

I guess my comeback to strangers is saying we have 4 more at home; or for people who know us that we hope to have a dozen. 


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#24 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 01:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I told my dad, and he said it is likely because we do such a good job with the kids, and make it look easy, that it is actually an issue of the person making the comment feeling intimidated and less than subconsciously.  I think he may have a point, and it was cool to have him pay me such a nice compliment!  But I agree, I should have just said, "Well, we don't even have enough for a basketball team, so we'll have to keep going!"

 




 

 


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#25 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 03:55 PM
 
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I think I would be tempted to reply "did you really just say that?"

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by scottishmommy View Post


 
Yes, and they need to be a boy and a girl and exactly 2.5 years apart.


This explains why people are starting to bug me about having more!  DS just turned 3 and I'm not pregnant, nor do I have any intention of becoming pregnant any time soon.  My parents were bugging me about it a couple of weeks ago... they NEVER bugged us about getting pregnant even before I was preggers with DS... why do they have to start now?  Bleh!
 

 

 


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#26 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 04:08 PM
 
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Ok-- this may offend some people and I apologize if it does.  We are hispanic and when someone says this (or more often, implies it) I point out that the hispanic birthrate is the highest of any other group in the US and that eventually we will outnumber everyone else smile.gif.  This usually leaves them with their jaw hanging open and shuts them up.

 

Other times I just laugh and say that we love kids and that our kids are beautiful, which is the truth!!

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#27 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 04:17 PM
 
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I also find that people are ALWAYS asking me about having more/being done, etc. I thought it was just because I'm such an easy going and approachable-seeming person, but after reading this thread I guess not winky.gif.

 

So when I had 2 (boy and girl, 2.5 years apart) I guess everyone assumed I was done and nobody asked. But when I had my third it's like I'm building a baby army all of a sudden, lol. People I hardly know seem to think it's perfectly alright to ask "when is the fourth coming?", "are you done NOW?", "so how many more you gonna have" and my all-time favorite "when is your hubby going to get fixed?". Like, HELLO? My husband's fertility status should not be the topic of conversation, it weirds me out.

 

I think it's the human instinct of constantly comparing to others, maybe a bit of subversive competition... or people are just nosy and rude, i don't know.


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#28 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 04:23 PM
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 But I agree, I should have just said, "Well, we don't even have enough for a basketball team, so we'll have to keep going!"

 

 


 

Nah, tell them you're going for a full football team and then have fun watching their heads explode.

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#29 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 04:39 PM
 
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it amazes me the way people dont have a filter between their brains and their mouths. Its sad really. I have 6 kids and have lost count on all the comments we get. Mostly the "they are all yours? you have 6 kids? your dont right?"


Navy wife, mama of 3 girls, 3 boys, 2 kitties and wanting more. No vax, no circ, trying to live as natural as  we can. We are working on it
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#30 of 234 Old 03-15-2011, 04:48 PM
 
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is it bad... but I had the question asked of me after dd2 was born... my response was, "I'm trying to outbreed the idiots."  The questioner gaped and gasped.  I figure one rude question deserves an equally rude response.


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