How do I handle this? Help quick please!!! - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-28-2011, 03:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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There are other threads here about my ds and his various issues, but today is the third time I have caught him doing this and I am at a loss.

 

If you already read, please feel free to comment but now that I've gotten some feedback already I've edited to remove the details.

 

Update on page 3


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Old 03-28-2011, 07:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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anybody?

 

DP is coming home in a couple hrs and I texted him to tell him and I think he will hit the roof when he gets here. I haven't said anything to ds but he tried it AGAIN later and I said "no one touches your private parts" and he said "the dog can." and laughed. What if he does this somewhere else? yikes....

 

 


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Old 03-28-2011, 07:46 PM
 
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Why on earth wouldn't you want to over-react to something like that? I'd have been shocked and shown it, and let my shock and disgust speak for itself. I can appreciate not wanting to shame your kid, but some behaviors are so far over the line unacceptable that a strong reaction is exactly what's needed.
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Old 03-28-2011, 08:55 PM
 
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I don't think this is something anyone on the internet can "help quick" with and I don't think its something you should have online about your kid.

 

Talk to a pediatrician or a child therapist or something. Not the internet.

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Old 03-28-2011, 08:58 PM
 
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I don't think this is something anyone on the internet can "help quick" with and I don't think its something you should have online about your kid.

 

Talk to a pediatrician or a child therapist or something. Not the internet.


Agreed.


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Old 03-28-2011, 08:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Because he is only 3 years old. I told him before "animals do not come near our private parts" and it seemed to go in one ear and out the other. that's why I'm posting for help addressing this. what am I supposed to do? spank him? ground him? get rid of the dog?

 

I just don't know what to do about a behavior that is completely unacceptable, yet I'm trying to eliminate harsh punishments and spanking from my home especially in light of the fact that some of his other unacceptable behaviors are due to factors somewhat beyond his control (ADHD for example). 


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Old 03-28-2011, 09:00 PM
 
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What Shonahsmom said.

 

I can understand you wanting some guidance on this but there are a lot of red flags there. Please talk to a professional.

 

I would also advise you not to keep that post up for long. MDC is openly searchable by anyone and a post with those key words is not something I'd want floating around on the internet. In addition, your DS is very young now but he won't be forever and god forbid he find that some day.

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Old 03-28-2011, 09:00 PM
 
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Can you keep him and the dog away from each other when he is not under your direct supervision?

I'd start with that.

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Old 03-28-2011, 09:01 PM
 
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Call your pediatrician tomorrow morning. Get a referral for a child therapist. Stop talking about it on the internet. The end.

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Old 03-28-2011, 09:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Shonahsmom View Post

Call your pediatrician tomorrow morning. Get a referral for a child therapist. Stop talking about it on the internet. The end.



We already have a psychologist for him due to the other issues going on with him. In fact we are going there tomorrow and this is certainly spmething that will be brought up. But I was just looking for advice on what to say to him in the meantime. I didn't want to say nothing at all, as if this is perfectly fine, but I didn't want to say the wrong thing, either.


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Old 03-28-2011, 09:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post

 what am I supposed to do?


 

Take him to a pediatrician right now.  Get an emergency appointment.  Have him assessed for other signs of sexual abuse.  Get him to a safe place (ie a child therapist) and get this off the internet.  Do you realise how serious your post is?

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Old 03-28-2011, 09:09 PM
 
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Have you discussed this behavior with the ped or another professional? I ask b/c this sn't isolated, and combined with some other things you have shared, including that your DS spends time at neighbors homes w/o you, there is a chance he has been exposed to something inappropriate or possibly abused.

I know you want to stay on the DL b/c of CPS and the authorities, but don't you think your DS is worth getting some help?

I would be freaking out, but not in the punishing/spanking/mad at my child way. I would be overly concerned about what is going on with him.

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Old 03-28-2011, 09:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Have you discussed this behavior with the ped or another professional? I ask b/c thus isn't isolated, and combined with some other things you have shared, including that your DS spends time at neighbors homes w/o you, there is a chance he has been exposed to something inappropriate or possibly a used.

I know you want to stay on the DL b/c of CPS and the authorities, but don't you think your DS is worth getting some help?


maybe we cross posted, but my ds has been in therapy on and off since he was 2 and as mentioned above, we have a psych appt tomorrow. He has been evaluated multiple times for abuse including this past December when my mother called CPS on us, and each time nothing was found to be of concern. Of course something could have happened since then, but he has not been around anyone new (alone) since then. He just started a public preschool program last week but I seriously doubt this is related to that.


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Old 03-28-2011, 09:15 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife View Post

Have you discussed this behavior with the ped or another professional? I ask b/c this sn't isolated, and combined with some other things you have shared, including that your DS spends time at neighbors homes w/o you, there is a chance he has been exposed to something inappropriate or possibly abused.

I know you want to stay on the DL b/c of CPS and the authorities, but don't you think your DS is worth getting some help?

I would be freaking out, but not in the punishing/spanking/mad at my child way. I would be overly concerned about what is going on with him.


Absolutely. Combined with questionable behavior on the part of your DP that you've shared before, I would be running, not walking, to the psychologist and laying my heart bare. I would hold nothing back - nothing. Your boy deserves that.
 

 


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Old 03-28-2011, 09:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Absolutely. Combined with questionable behavior on the part of your DP that you've shared before, I would be running, not walking, to the psychologist and laying my heart bare. I would hold nothing back - nothing. Your boy deserves that.
 

 

Ah, just to make sure this is clear, I have NEVER thought that my DP was sexually abusing either of our children. We have certainly had our issues but sexual abuse has never been something I worried about. and as mentioned, a forensic interview in December cleared both of us of any accusations of inappropriate behavior.
 

 


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Old 03-28-2011, 09:26 PM
 
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Ah, just to make sure this is clear, I have NEVER thought that my DP was sexually abusing either of our children. We have certainly had our issues but sexual abuse has never been something I worried about. and as mentioned, a forensic interview in December cleared both of us of any accusations of inappropriate behavior.
 

 



There is a history of questionable behavior apart from sexual abuse allegations. A serious question: why do so many other women seem more concerned about your boy than you do? Maybe it's your writing style, maybe it's a lack of being f2f, but you seem defensive and minimize things when you receive responses. Would you consider thinking about that?

 


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Old 03-28-2011, 09:26 PM
 
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Keep the dog and your son separated unless you are in the room.  If you have a dog crate, keep the dog crated or use a baby gate to keep them separated.  Most three year old children shouldn't be around dogs unsupervised around dogs no matter how much you trust the dog or the child.  It's too easy for them to get knocked over, jumped on, or bitten.  It's not really developmentally appropriate.  Yes, keeping them separated is a pain and often inconvenient, but it's probably best under the circumstances.

 

What you tell your son is "That is private.  You don't let the dog touch your private parts (or whatever word you use)."  If he argues with and says it's okay.  You say, "No, it is private."  

Deal with it calmly and matter of fact.  Without knowing your history, it's a serious red flag to me.  While you may want to avoid CPS, I would take him in as soon as possible. 


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Old 03-28-2011, 09:33 PM
 
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This maybe naive, but is it possible that he discovered that dog licking him feels nice after getting licked accidentally and he's using the dog to masturbate so to speak? I understand that lots of kids experiment with their privates (we haven't reached that point yet, but I do remember playing doctor with friends when little). I actually remember something similar happening to a friend (there was no abuse happening in that situation).
If a child is naive about sexuality and private behavior, he/she may be doing it because they don't think it's wrong. In that case, I'd focus on explaining over and over how the private parts are for him only to touch, and keeping the dog away. I'd also act very sad/disappointed if I caught him doing this again.
I do understand that this could also be a red flag, but just want to offer another possibility if he doesn't show any other signs of abuse. innocent.gif

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Old 03-28-2011, 09:34 PM
 
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but you seem defensive and minimize things when you receive responses.

 



Above x a million.  I just cannot believe that the first two times you saw your son do this you thought it was "funny". greensad.gifirked.gif  It is very obvious that is not normal behavior for a child.

 

I find it really upsetting you are not taking this more seriously.  Your son is acting out because he is probably being abused.  Why are you not doing anything to help him besides posting online.


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Old 03-28-2011, 09:35 PM
 
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Have you asked him why he wants the dog to lick his private area? I agree with the other posters. Your DS needs help and he needs help ASAP.  I know you don't believe your partner could have done anything to hurt him and hopefully he hasn't but something is seriously wrong and your son needs help NOW. I am curious to know how your partner responded to your text. You say it's not your partner, you say it's not the new pre-school. It's SOMETHING! Something is wrong here and instead of making excuses you need to start finding some answers and sadly, as well meaning as the mom and dads are on here, I don't think anyone can help you unless you're willing to take a long, hard look at what's going on with your child and the people who are around him. The poor baby needs help.

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Old 03-28-2011, 09:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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There is a history of questionable behavior apart from sexual abuse allegations. A serious question: why do so many other women seem more concerned about your boy than you do? Maybe it's your writing style, maybe it's a lack of being f2f, but you seem defensive and minimize things when you receive responses. Would you consider thinking about that?

 


It's not that. I have posted threads about various issues before and each time people seem to jump straight to criminalizing my DP when they may or may not have the whole story. It's impossible I think to present a completely accurate picture, with ALL details, on a message board. Because of that I guess I'm trying to head it off this time. Each time that my DP has been accused of whatever, I have diligently followed through "just in case." Each time, it has been proven (by unbiased professionals) that while he might have had to grow into his role as father a bit, he is not abusive in any way. I mean, I want to protect my children, and of course there is no doubt that I would choose them over anyone else (hence why I cut my parents off). But how many times does he have to be raked over the coals *just* because he is the "boyfriend" and therefore he *must* be at fault for whatever is wrong with my ds. You have to excuse me if I'm not jumping up and down with excitement at the thought of blaming him once again.

 

Oddly enough, when I was on the phone with my friend (who has 3 kids) I told her what had happened (freaking out to her rather than ds), and she  thought I was overreacting and was actually laughing. So I thought it must be me. (She is a great mom who usually has excellent judgment regarding her kids)

 


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Old 03-28-2011, 09:43 PM
 
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You should take this post down and take your kid to the ER.

 

I was wondering why your DP would ''hit the roof''?

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Old 03-28-2011, 09:44 PM
 
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Two possible explanations (I'm sure there are more):

 

He's been sexually abused by someone other than you or your dp. Any possibility that another person did this? I know you've been cleared by CPS, but I'm wondering if something happened at your mom's? Your current living situation?

 

Another possibility is that he's doing it because it feels good. It happened by accident once, and he likes how it feels. That's not out of the realm of possibility.

 

I'm hoping that your therapist can get to the bottom of it. Until then, keep him and the dog separate. Buy him a belt  or suspenders (harder to get your pants down).


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Old 03-28-2011, 09:47 PM
 
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I don't know all of the OP's history, but I think most of the posters here are waaaaayyyyy overreacting. I'm guessing that the kid learned that it felt good for the dog to lick him when he got licked after the bath you mentioned. So as a PP postulated he is now seeking out that feeling good behavior. How is that not normal? Little kids masturbate all the time. Sheesh people.

What I would be worried about is the dog biting him there. You might want to talk to him about that possibility.
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Old 03-28-2011, 09:50 PM
 
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Doesn't it concern you in the least bit that your partner has been accused several times? Please use all of the energy you seem to have for defending your DP to finding out what is happening with your precious baby. Your DP is an adult but a three year old is helpless to what may be occurring here. It's not funny for a child to have an animal lick his private area and to continue to do it. Frankly, I'm shocked CPS in your state was so quick to close the case. They're normally very thorough and take allegations of abuse very seriously. It seems like your DS is falling through the cracks in someway and I pray an intervention on his behalf happens right away.
 

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It's not that. I have posted threads about various issues before and each time people seem to jump straight to criminalizing my DP when they may or may not have the whole story. It's impossible I think to present a completely accurate picture, with ALL details, on a message board. Because of that I guess I'm trying to head it off this time. Each time that my DP has been accused of whatever, I have diligently followed through "just in case." Each time, it has been proven (by unbiased professionals) that while he might have had to grow into his role as father a bit, he is not abusive in any way. I mean, I want to protect my children, and of course there is no doubt that I would choose them over anyone else (hence why I cut my parents off). But how many times does he have to be raked over the coals *just* because he is the "boyfriend" and therefore he *must* be at fault for whatever is wrong with my ds. You have to excuse me if I'm not jumping up and down with excitement at the thought of blaming him once again.

 

Oddly enough, when I was on the phone with my friend (who has 3 kids) I told her what had happened (freaking out to her rather than ds), and she  thought I was overreacting and was actually laughing. So I thought it must be me. (She is a great mom who usually has excellent judgment regarding her kids)

 



 

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Old 03-28-2011, 09:52 PM
 
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It's not that. I have posted threads about various issues before and each time people seem to jump straight to criminalizing my DP when they may or may not have the whole story. It's impossible I think to present a completely accurate picture, with ALL details, on a message board. Because of that I guess I'm trying to head it off this time. Each time that my DP has been accused of whatever, I have diligently followed through "just in case." Each time, it has been proven (by unbiased professionals) that while he might have had to grow into his role as father a bit, he is not abusive in any way. I mean, I want to protect my children, and of course there is no doubt that I would choose them over anyone else (hence why I cut my parents off). But how many times does he have to be raked over the coals *just* because he is the "boyfriend" and therefore he *must* be at fault for whatever is wrong with my ds. You have to excuse me if I'm not jumping up and down with excitement at the thought of blaming him once again.

 

Oddly enough, when I was on the phone with my friend (who has 3 kids) I told her what had happened (freaking out to her rather than ds), and she  thought I was overreacting and was actually laughing. So I thought it must be me. (She is a great mom who usually has excellent judgment regarding her kids)

 


Is this the same partner that tried to smother your son with a pillow?

 


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Old 03-28-2011, 09:55 PM
 
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OP, on a serious note, I do think you should ask for this thread to be removed. This is just the kind of stuff that feeds internet creeps' imagination. greensad.gif

Also, the OP mentioned that DS is going to the therapist tomorrow. And before everyone jumps on her DP, remember that she just cut off really toxic parents that may have done something to her son, (he coslept with them, he used to wet the bed, and stopped when the OP left and cut off her toxic mother). A lot of abuse allegations came from the OP's parents and were made in the spirit of revenge.

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Old 03-28-2011, 09:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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to answer some posters, by "hit the roof" I was worried that dp would take a punitive approach about it. fwiw, he was shocked but just said that we should talk to the psych before we talk to ds. he says that he was sexually aware at an early age but that he never did anything like that and it concerns him.

 

as far as it being funny, the other occasions we kind of shook our heads and chuckled over him in private. i didn't laugh in front of him so as t encourage it. it was more freak coincidence so it didnt strike me as worrisome, just another "ew, 3 yr old boys are gross" kind of thing.

 

as far as living situations go, we moved from where we were living (which was too communal for my liking, but ds was never alone there) to a new apartment. We don't know any of our neighbors well and ds doesn't go in any of their houses. We did have a sitter but that was just this past weekend and the first dog licking incident was before that.

 

He has not seen my parents since the CPS case was closed and that time they could not find any evidence that he had been molested by either of them.

 

He has been to preschool, to my one friend's house, and other than at with DP or I all the time. I honestly don't know where he could have been molested. I really, truly don't. and my gut does not tell me that this is abuse related. Ds has lots of weird behaviors that are socially unacceptable, but most of them are tolerable (or I just don't take him to those places where it will be an issue.) 

 

He was recently diagnosed with Asperger's, ADHD, sensory integration disorder, and unofficially with anxiety.


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Old 03-28-2011, 10:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

Doesn't it concern you in the least bit that your partner has been accused several times? . Frankly, I'm shocked CPS in your state was so quick to close the case. They're normally very thorough and take allegations of abuse very seriously.



 


Well sure it would concern me if it was someone other than my nut case mother who was accusing him.

 

What do you think CPS should have done that they didn't do? Invent something just to make my mother feel good?

 

If 2 psychologists, an in home counselor (for my PPD), an entire preschool staff (at his old montessori school), numerous friends and acquaintances, a pediatrician, a developmental pediatirician, a team of 4 specialists (including a social worker) doing an evaluation, 2 CPS case workers, and a play therapist couldn't find anything wrong, should I doggedly continue to put ds and DP through numerous assessments and interviews because he is "falling through the cracks"? I wholeheartedly agree that CPS fails sometimes (many times). But you simply cannot create something where there is nothing.


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Old 03-28-2011, 10:16 PM
 
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I pray your son is not being abused. I truly hope he's not but clearly there are problems. Whether it's sexual abuse hasn't been founded but something is occurring with your son that isn't okay. And no, CPS should not have invented something to make your mother feel good but they should have kept an open case until there is some consistency and/or resolution to your sons issues. 
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post




Well sure it would concern me if it was someone other than my nut case mother who was accusing him.

 

What do you think CPS should have done that they didn't do? Invent something just to make my mother feel good?

 

If 2 psychologists, an in home counselor (for my PPD), an entire preschool staff (at his old montessori school), numerous friends and acquaintances, a pediatrician, a developmental pediatirician, a team of 4 specialists (including a social worker) doing an evaluation, 2 CPS case workers, and a play therapist couldn't find anything wrong, should I doggedly continue to put ds and DP through numerous assessments and interviews because he is "falling through the cracks"? I wholeheartedly agree that CPS fails sometimes (many times). But you simply cannot create something where there is nothing.



 

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