Having Baby Without Family/Friend Help During or After (Crossposted in I'm Pregnant) - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 43 Old 05-07-2011, 11:01 AM
 
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I wouldn't have your mother around if she makes you feel miserable.. especially during the birth. Here is what i would do:

 

Hire a doula for the birth and post partum

Stock up on easy to eat meals and make freezer meals

Look in my local "Finding your tribe" area and try to make some friends

Go to local LLL meetings and try to make some friends

A PP mentioned finding a religious community.. I don't have a religion but I would consider the UU church.

 

Good Luck.. my DH is a marine. He's not deployed but is leaving for a month for annual training in one week :(


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#32 of 43 Old 05-07-2011, 11:52 AM
 
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could you send your older kiddos to your mothers? I would definitely look into having *someone* around. I've had two very different births-- one when I walked off the deliver table, and was capable of doing everything within days, and another that took me 4 months to go through a day without pain; you just don't know what you are going to get.


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#33 of 43 Old 05-07-2011, 05:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by averlee View Post

After my daughter was born, my mother-in-law came to "help".  Her help wasn't very helpful at all. She acted like it was awful that I'd had my baby in my bedroom with dirty dishes in the sink and that I had just left the iodine mess all over the bathroom- that she commented on that still hurts my feelings. Also she was rude/unfriendly to my midwife and my neighbors. And she made me so unhappy and uncomfortable that I thanked her for her "help" and sent her home 3 days early.

I would rather have lived with the dirty dishes and dirty bathroom than deal with her while my baby was newborn and I was still recovering.

 

If you don't have people in your life who will help you -lovingly- for free then you will have to pay someone. If you have a rough recovery- say, a 2nd degree tear, distended bladder, or hemorrhoids- you may not be able to do much at all. You can get by with paper plates, ignoring mess, letting laundry pile up, and microwave food to some extent.  A baby nurse or post-partum doula would be way outside my budget. But home health care workers only expect minimum wage. You could hire a housekeeper or "care giver" for $10 an hour, they could run errands as well as housework. 

 

My midwives had a policy, that you must have someone with you for the first 24 hours after the birth. If there was no-one who could stay with you, they would find some one.

 

I have to say, I do not understand what is going on with your 20 year old son. This is the adult in your life who is the only person you have that you can count on. Does he live with you? How is it that he does not know how to prepare meals? And why is there any doubt that he would support and help you, in whatever ways you need, just as you have nurtured and cared for him all his life? I think that a son, who is a man, is obligated to help his mother and should be expected to in your situation. I suggest you try talking to him and telling him that you are going to be depending on him.

 

I agree with this.  Your son is old enough to be a huge help.  You've got some time to "train" him.  He's going to have to learn to care for himself/a family at some point so why not now?

 

I didn't see anyone mention Operation Special Delivery.  They provide Doula services for women who's husbands will be deployed at the time of birth.  Definitely worth checking into.


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#34 of 43 Old 05-07-2011, 05:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by BubbleMa View Post


 

 

I agree with this.  Your son is old enough to be a huge help.  You've got some time to "train" him.  He's going to have to learn to care for himself/a family at some point so why not now?

 

I didn't see anyone mention Operation Special Delivery.  They provide Doula services for women who's husbands will be deployed at the time of birth.  Definitely worth checking into.


I really don't want to get into a big discussion about my oldest ds. He is the way he is right now. I did not have him so he could take care of me. I don't expect him to do that. If he helps, that's great but I'm not going to try to force that responsibility on him. And, I don't know why it's assumed that he will have to ever have a family to take care of. He may and, if he does, I'm sure he'll figure things out. That will be his choice. However, I don't believe there is any law that says he has to and, again, that does not mean that he is required to take care of me or his younger siblings. That's just not how I view my relationship with children.

I think I addressed the doula thing but maybe that wasn't in this thread. I don't need labor/birth support for me. What I would need is someone to care for my younger children while I'm in labor if they need it and to help care for them and my home afterward. Birth doulas don't do that. PP doulas do light housework and help with the new baby but there aren't any around here that I can afford and none that I know of through OSD.


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#35 of 43 Old 05-09-2011, 08:06 AM
 
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Honestly, it's absolutely your right to not give more info on what's up with your oldest ds, but I'm at a loss of what else to suggest to you since I agree with many of the PPs about what your limited options seem to be, and you don't seem interested/able/willing to check them out. 

 

You've already said that your son "is the way he is right now" so I assume that means he's just not in a position to help you at all, and obviously you're the only one here who knows his abilities, so that's that.  But I didn't hear anyone suggesting that your son's job is to take care of you forever or to permanently be a support in your family - the suggestions/questions about him were around why he's not able to help you through this specific, time-limited transition where you are at a loss for other help.  Again, I take your word for it that he's just not able to, end of story.  But your response makes it sound like people were suggesting a much bigger, indefinite role for him than I think they were suggesting.

 

And the last advice about Operation Special Delivery - seems like you dismissed them without even considering that given that they specialize in women who's partners will be deployed during the birth, maybe they also have post-partum doulas and not just birth doulas?  Or did you already check them out and they definitely don't do pp doulas and aren't willing to work with you on something to meet your needs?

 

I hope you find some support, somewhere, and you may have to soften/open your ideas about what's possible a little in order to see the support that may be around you.  Sometimes in times of stress, we're so wound up we miss some supports that are right there but not obvious at first. 

 

Whatever happens, I really hope for you a good rest of your pregnancy, safe and healthy delivery, and the help you need to support your family while you're adjusting to your new baby.

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#36 of 43 Old 05-09-2011, 08:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post

I really don't want to get into a big discussion about my oldest ds. He is the way he is right now. I did not have him so he could take care of me. I don't expect him to do that. If he helps, that's great but I'm not going to try to force that responsibility on him. And, I don't know why it's assumed that he will have to ever have a family to take care of. He may and, if he does, I'm sure he'll figure things out. That will be his choice. However, I don't believe there is any law that says he has to and, again, that does not mean that he is required to take care of me or his younger siblings. That's just not how I view my relationship with children.


There's a big difference, though, between expecting a child to take care of you and asking an adult family member to temporarily help out during difficult time. That's what families do! When I'm sick, I might ask my 6-year-old DS to get me a glass of water or something -- that doesn't mean that I had him so he could take care of me, it just means that we're a family and part of what we do is pitch in when someone else is unable to. You're clearly not going to ask your son for help, so I'm not trying to change your mind, I just thought it was odd to think of pitching in for a short period as having him "so he could take care of" you. 

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#37 of 43 Old 05-09-2011, 10:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Someone had previously suggested that I enlist my adult ds' help and I addressed that. Lecturing me about how his behavior is unacceptable and how he should be and that I should do something to make him do what I need after that isn't really helpful. I ignored the first post about that, which was quite judgmental and insulting, imo. I tried to ignore the 2nd post that quoted the first and used it to further lecture me about how things should be, but I just couldn't. I understand that you are trying to help but it's not helpful to rehash something that's already been addressed. If I could rely on my ds to help me, none of this would be an issue and I never would have felt the need to post my question. As the situation is right now, I can't rely on him for the type of help that I need. Regardless of what anyone else thinks things should be, they are the way they are. I cannot force him (or anyone else for that matter) to do something that he isn't capable of or willing to do.

Yes, there is a big difference between expecting someone to take care of you and asking for help. But asking for help is just that, a request. It does not require the other person to help, whether they are family or not. It's not the suggestion of asking my ds that bothers me. It's the lectures about how he should help me. Since no one knows his or my circumstances or situation or why he may or may not be able to provide the kind of help that I need, I don't see how anyone can think they have the right to pass judgment on either of us. There is also a difference between an adult family member and an adult child. I don't want to be condescending but if you don't have an adult child or at least an older teenager, you can't really know what that relationship is like from the parent perspective in the same way that someone without children cannot know what it's like to have children. It's kind of like my childless stepsister telling me how I should give birth and raise or discipline my children. She has no clue.

My question was, is it possible to do all of this on your own, without any help? It was not, where else can I find help? I do appreciate the suggestions of a PP doula and babysitter and such. I have been looking into that but haven't found anyone yet. At this point I feel like I don't have any other option other than having my mother here. I'll just have to suck it up and try to keep myself from being bothered by her.

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#38 of 43 Old 05-09-2011, 11:08 AM
 
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Would it be possible to have your mother there but put her up in a hotel?  That way she would be there during the day but you would have your own space at night.  Someone else suggested having your youngest two stay with her for a couple of days.  I'm assuming you wouldn't be comfortable with that but if she were at a nearby hotel she might be able to take them to the hotel to swim or watch a movie for a couple of hours.

 

In regard to the PP doula, since you can't seem to find one, could you temporarily hire someone to take some of the burden off?  I'm thinking a weekly housekeeper for the first month or so.  Grocery delivery, if it's available in your area.  A teenager who could watch the boys for a couple of hours.  In my area there are a couple of drop off daycares that charge by the hour.  They're great for SAHMs who have a Dr. appt or need to run a few errands without kids in tow.

 

And in regards to your oldest DS, whether he helps or not is between the two of you, not posters on a website.  Negative posts like that are in no way helpful in a situation like this.  *hugs*


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#39 of 43 Old 05-09-2011, 02:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Actually, I don't mind my younger boys staying with my mom but I really want them here. My 7yo is very into this pregnancy and baby and really wants to be here. I don't think it's financially feasible for her to stay in a hotel for 2 weeks. No grocery delivery available here, unfortunately. I've got hiring a cleaning service in the back of my mind. I'm definitely going to hire someone to do a really thorough spring cleaning before this baby comes. Then I'll look into having a service on a regular basis, although it won't be weekly because I know I can't afford that.

I have had the hardest time finding a reliable teenager to provide babysitting. I think part of the problem is being in a military town. First, families come and go a lot, so if I do find someone, they usually aren't here very long. Second, most military families are young and have young children. There aren't very many with older teens who can babysit. The last babysitter I thought I'd found ended up pregnant and just had her own baby a little over a month ago. Oh well. I'm always keeping my eyes and ears open, though.

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#40 of 43 Old 05-09-2011, 04:09 PM
 
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Have you tried www.doulamatch.net ?


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#41 of 43 Old 05-09-2011, 05:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Have you tried www.doulamatch.net ?


I had not. I just tried it and got 0. greensad.gif

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#42 of 43 Old 05-11-2011, 04:53 PM
 
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MarineWife, I apologize. I am sorry for judging or insulting you or your family. 

 

I feel bad for your situation and I hope something works out.

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#43 of 43 Old 05-11-2011, 05:06 PM
 
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I am in a somewhat similar situation.  Husband is not military but he is not at home (including nights) more than half the year.  He may well not be here when I go into labor.  I also have a mom who is, to put it gently, a less than positive presence when she is around.  However I am a strong believer in resting-- doing nothing but lying in bed-- for at least 3 days post partum, even if you feel great.  Your body really, really will need that rest even if you feel wonderful and want to jump back up and get on with mommy duties.  So I would just take your mom's negativity on the chin and see her as an extra pair of hands to get you through the first week PP, then perhaps try to do it, very gently and gradually, on your own.

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